Your ideal world?

    You're sitting alone on your laptop, working. Typing away inside your cozy apartment. You live alone, you work from home and you don't have much contact with the outside world.
    When you finished college and got your first real job, you moved out of your fathers house. You keep in touch, barely. He calls you ever week, but you only answer every other, because you hate the monotone conversation, the questions and heavan forbid he get your grandmother on the phone.
    Mother's easier to deal with. She lives across the ocean, is generally busy with work so really only calls once a month to check on you. Everytime she calls she asks if you're coming to visite for the summer or holidays. You always say you'll talk to your brother and figure something out together, the two of you never do.
    Brother is brother. You both call each other every two weeks and have hour long conversations, but you rarely see each other, both busy with your own lives. He's trying to finish school and is so in love with his partner that you don't want to take any of his time.
    So you sit in your living room typing away at your laptop. Focused on your work, you feel numb and empty, but that's all you've ever really felt since you moved away from your childhood home. That's just a distant memory now.
    Although you remember a girl, one so close to you before now a stranger, who tried to keep in touch. You tried writing and talking, but the time difference was too much for you and it just HURT so much, that you stopped responding until eventually she gave up. She's just a distant memory now, you can barely remember her, but she appears randomly in dreams. You always wake up crying then.
    When you finish working you update the repository and shut down your computer for the day. Heading towards your kitchen you make a cup of tea and sit by a window and observe the outside world. You really don't get out much. At one point you regulerly went to a martial arts gym, but after a few years of training you decided to train on your own at home and in the park.
    Someone from your old high school messaged you recently. Inviting you to a reunion, it's only been about 8 or so years, but you guess your home room teacher wants to get everyone back together? High school doesn't really bring back good memories. Knowing you, you probably won't go.
    There was one boy, the only thing you can recall is his long blond hair. At first so shy, but you came to think of him as a friend almost. One time you met up in a park and were hanging out on a bridge feeding ducks. He seemed nervous, like he wanted to ask you something, but you interrupted him and he never did end up asking. You never really talked to him again after that.
    You feel a bit like a rock sitting at the bottom of a rushing river, looking up at the world above while you yourself are stagnant. There are moments where you think, what would life be like if a few things went a little differently? Honestly, it could still end up being the same, but you don't think on it too much. Those thoughts always make you feel more hollow and empty then usual.
    You live on the 14th floor. Sometimes you wish the window could open all the way so you could lean right out. You find yourself doing that in your usual routine imagining the wind whiping around you and the world suddenly going black. This time though there is no glass to stop you and you fall. You panic, but only for a moment, because right before you hit concrete a voice shouts at you.

WAKE UP YOU MORON!

    This isn't you! This isn't who you are! This isn't what the world bestowed upon you! DON'T YOU DARE ERASE THEM! HOW COULD YOU?They're your precious people and you're just going to forget about them, because it will hurt less? You think that if you erase your memories of love towards him, towards your sister and your brother that, that will make your pain go away? Sure it stopped for a little while, but you became an empty shell of yourself. Nothing of the person you once were, you might as well have gone splat on the ground. Trust me the world would have been better off.
    And don't go giving me any crap that, that's fine and your okay with it cause we both know what you really feel like on the inside. Stop it. There's no point in being this bitter and empty over such silly things. Those asshats don't need you, you have three people that care about you right in front of you and you want to erase them to make it easier to bare rejection? That just pisses me off even more.
    How the fuck are we the same person? I refuse to associate myself with you if this is what you have decided is your solution. Nope, kiss my ass, you wuss. Here's some tough love for you; Do you know how many people have it so much worse than you? Are you aware that your state of numbness is a daily occurence to some, because they never got to experience the beauty of truely caring for another human being before?
    What you have experienced and gone through has left you plenty of scars and heart break, but look at what's surfaced from all that pain, suffereing and loneliness. You're such a wonderful person. I understand you're fighting the temptation of the knife and I'm so proud of you for that, but this solution isn't any better. Kid, cause no matter what age you are you will always be a child on the inside, don't give in after all these years. Keep fighing or else you'll never find your own path in life. You will never find that nook you seem to so desperatly search for, so continue forward, continue fighting. And if you ever need an extra push to get you back up again,  

I'll be there.

Cat's Tail

There's blood on my hands.

No one can see it. No one really knows it's there, except for me.

I wish I couldn't see it. I wish I could ignore the bright pink scars that are no longer there, but I CAN STILL SEE THEM. 

How far must someone fall in order to hurt themselves?

It's such a long drop. Truthfully, I'm still falling deeper and deeper. There are just moments where I forget that I'm falling. Moments where I can pretend I don't here the wind whizzing past my ears or feel my hair whiping in my face.

Honestly, If my fall wasn't metophorical than it'd be so much easier to notice the giant hole that trying to swallow me whole. 

Funny thing, I feel as if it's starting from the inside. Stealing everything away, slowly, one by one. It happens to subtly to, so you don't even notice, until most of your mind has been wiped clean and your heart has been broken into tiny pieces. 

Glue and tape can only do so much, and the staples you put in so long ago are now gone. Something pried them away, slowly and carefully so you wouldn't notice. 

It let you have a pleasent run. It let you forget about the falling sensation, but now it's returned ten fold and it's swallowing you whole and you're powerless to stop it.

You can't think about the people you care about, because that only causes you more pain. You can't think about friends, because really you don't have any, and you can only distract yourself for so long.

How many more times can you look in the mirror and try to make yourself laugh? How much longer are you going to keep arguing with yourself pretending theres someone else in the room? How much longer are you going to keep up this farce? 

What's the point in trying to make yourself feel better when there's no one to really care? What's the use in having a voice if there's no one to hear it?What use are you? WHEN THERE'S NO ONE THAT NEEDS YOU?

I keep looking at my glove thinking about what was once under it and for some reason long for it to be there once again. Even though I hated those times and what I had succomed to. Here I am yet again at the edge of this pit, wondering if I'm going to let myself fall even further or try to hold on to any ledges I can grasp. 

I only have so many years left.

The only thing keeping me is curiousity.

It's like the saying with the cat, just opposite: 

Curiousity is what's keeping the cat at bay, but once it's gone then the cat goes away. 

Airport Goodbye

    I've been putting off writing for a while now. Even now I feel like I'm forcing myself to write, because I have to write. There are so many things going on in my mind, so many thoughts and tangents. I wish I didn't have them. Just like I wish so many other things that could never happen. Maybe someday this blog will turn into what I've wanted it to be for sometime now; a random place for my stories. Someplace where I can write my fucked up little shorts and maybe amuse a couple of random strangers as well. I wonder if it will ever get to that point?
    About two weeks ago I came back from america, having just spent two weeks holiday there. Whenever I come back from america I feel strange things, different things, confusing things. Usually I visit in the summer so I have time before school to sort them out, but I didn't get that this time. I had the weekend to get used to the time change, before jumping right back into school.
    That first week I was an emotional wreck on the inside. My body was having trouble adjusting to the time difference, I was stressed out cause I ended up missing two days of school and had to ask someone for notes. There were also two surprise projects that I discovered just a couple of days before their due dates. Exams are coming up and I'm super nervous and that hollow feeling in my chest was very prominent.
    Back to america, for some reason saying goodbye to my mother was a lot harder this time, then before. Maybe cause my brother wasn't at the airport to see me off, because he's coming to visit in June, so our goodbye was more of a see you later. Maybe the goodbye was so intense because at one moment I envisioned Larkspur in my mothers place and the dam just broke. Whenever I'm at the airport I don't let myself cry. Whether it's seeing someone off or setting off myself I try to keep my cool, bottle it up and focus on the day. Let the tears fall when I'm alone, at night. This time though the tears fell and I didn't care that people were staring at us two cry babies, because really they could go fuck themselves.
    This goodbye felt so weird and different than the usual goodbyes. My squirt was always there with a see you in less than a year while I'd add an extra year for my mom, this time he was gone and it was just the two of us. I don't know how to explain this. I feel like I'm running in circles. Maybe I'm angry because even though I was in the states and I spent time with my shitty family for the holidays and goofed off a ton with Squirt I never really got that much time for Larkspur. I guess I'm a spoiled brat to want to have my best friend for myself for a bit. There were days where I wanted to say see ya Ma, I'm taking the car be back tomorrow maybe and grab her from her home and return her whenever she pleases. I guess I just wanted a taste of what we had when she came to visit. Something impossible when I go their.
    Who know's when we'll get that again? If we'll ever get that again? we've reached a point in our lives where things are slowly starting. We're slowly moving forward, although she's farther than me, but I'll catch up eventually. Those days where I could randomly pop over to her house are so long gone, but I guess there was a small part of me still holding on somewhere and now it's burning me inside out. I feel like the child in me is slowly dyeing. My life is slowly being sucked out.
    Most days I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Whenever Aster stays the night all I want to do is curl into him and for a few hours pretend like the world doesn't exist. That life I'm trying to live out there isn't real. It's so stressful and painful. Everything hurts, but it's nothing physical. You feel so alone. I used to love going to school just to see my friends, like any other snot nosed kid. Now, I'm studying something I love, but I'm so alone that I hate it. All these fucking acquaintances and polite smiles and shit. Fucking can we stop?

    Maybe that's one of the things I was saying goodbye to.