Onslaught

    I've been putting off this post for a while now. So much so that the emotions inside of me have built up and are now forming into the darkest of things. I couldn't sleep last night because I watched too many creepy videos. I'm a scardy cat, but during the day I find that usually I can watch that kind of stuff, not this time though. My brain seemed to latch onto all of those ideas from the videos and created this monster in my head. So I laid in bed all night watching gtlive streams trying to ignore the fear in my head, trying not to look at the shadows around my room and picturing things that want to eat me. I didn't get to sleep till 6:30 when I heard my father leaving for work and could hear the life of the outside world from my cracked window. I didn't sleep for long, only until about 10 and I felt shitty for the whole day, questioning myself and if I was going insane.When my father got home he realized I had a fever and told me to stay in bed. I never even noticed my raised temperature. The whole day I was questioning my sanity and my life in general.
    My bottled up emotions seemed to have manifested themselves in this way and after drinking plenty of tea and soup I feel a bit better, but my mind still feel exhausted. The stress, sadness and emptiness are getting to me a lot worse than before. All the stress has been accumulating since may, that's about four months. Never in my life have I been so snappy and quick to temper. Yet I'm finding it harder and harder to center myself. School and just my results are killing me right now, my future is so uncertain at this moment. Everything hangs in the balance, on Wednesday I will find out if I got into uni. I'm so tired of this subject and everything it pertains. I hate it, at this point I'm so sick and tired of people asking me about college and what I'm going to study or how I am doing. Why the fuck do I have to go to college? I'm so sick and tired of hearing about it. Why can't I just get a job where they teach me how to do it and I can get straight to work after a month or so? That's how it is after college anyway. Sure you have a degree, but 90% of the time it's just a piece of paper and you have to learn everything all over again in the office. I wish I could just skip the whole school thing. I wish I could just fast forward a few years in the future to see what I'm doing then, to know if all these stupid things will help me out in life or will they just become more scars?
    The sadness and empty feeling aren't helping me much either. I sort of feel like how I did during my high school years when I left my brother. My two most important people were on the other side of the world. I did that to myself, I could have stayed, but it felt wrong to. I couldn't bring myself to stay there. I just couldn't. That didn't stop the feeling of emptiness when I got back. Sucking at my soul everyday, slowly withering me away. Eventually, after months of this dull, cold feeling I started to live again. The emptiness slowly faded and it usually only ever came back every once in a while, which was fine cause it never felt as bad as it did then.
    I got to spend a month and a half with my brother this summer and right after he left, a month with my sister. It left me with no room to mourn his leaving for I focused on her arrival. When she left it wasn't that bad the first day and on the second Aster came and was by my side for a solid five days. Giving me no chance to mourn both of them leaving. Sometimes when we would both be doing our thing I would space out a bit and the sadness would creep in on me, but it wasn't that bad cause he was right there seemingly beating it away.
    It was when I finally got to be alone for a couple of days that I allowed the sadness to take me. Instead of holding the tears back like I used to I let them flow freely for a short time allowing myself to give in to my weakness. In some way I feel like I'm still mourning. Even now tears are falling and it sort of makes me wonder why, but then I can hear my brothers voice on the other side of the phone and I can actually hear his excitement. He's happy that I called him, since we hadn't spoken in over a month because I was busy with Larkspur. We ended up talking for over an hour and probably would have talked more if he hadn't had homework to do. Then I picture me saying goodbye with Larkspur at the airport terminal and trying to hold back the tears in the car. Pretending not to see them slowly leaking from my eyes, ignoring the fact that I'm driving over the speed limit and not caring if I crash.
    This summer was amazingly wonderful and something I will probably never experience in the same form of ever again. I feel like I connected with my brother and sister all over again in a deeper and more meaningful way. Teaching Azeal how to drive a stick shift, showing Larkspur the beauty of Europe. These are just a few memories that I want to cherish for as long as possible. In the end it all comes down to me missing them painstakingly more than usual. It almost feels like I'm broken into pieces and I don't feel whole unless I'm with my special people.
    The only one that can really numb the pain is Aster, but he can't always be here. I can't rely on him so heavily. It doesn't really help that after next week I won't get to see him as much cause he'll be starting school. It will be difficult for him too and very demanding, so it makes me wonder how often we will get to see each other.
    This vulnerability is killing me and I absolutely hate it. I'm floating in the middle of a black void, screaming and shouting my heart out, but it doesn't mater because I am the only one that can get me out.
    Recently I read a fanfiction and there was a line in there that seemed to burn me when I read it. "Love is giving someone a gift, through faith, hope, trust or experience. It is praying that they won't use it against you." I immediately looked to Aster when I read this, because I felt this described the way I felt about him perfectly. I have fallen for this boy, so hard that I would do almost anything for him. He has taken a place in my heart right along side my brother and sister. This scares me though, because he has the most potential in him, with just a single sentence he can tear into my heart and destroy my fragmented mind. When I realized this my first thought was to strike at him, rip away before he can hurt me, that way it will burn less, but I can't do that. As I have said jokingly out loud to him and he to me 'I'm in too deep.'
    In this day and age relationships don't always work out in the long term for different reasons and I believe in that, but there is a small part of me that hopes this relationship will last. A small part of me that thinks 'I wouldn't mind being with this man for the rest of my life.' Still I keep myself back for I don't want to come off as too clingy or needy and despite the fact that we have been together for over a year I feel there are still sides I haven't seen of him yet. Than again there are sides he has yet to see from me, so I sit back and enjoy the ride, trying to ignore the new emotions blooming inside of me, in the fear that he does not feel such things, trying to protect my already fragile state of mind.
    Sometimes though I wish I told him that I loved him more. Just to let him know that despite my sometimes cold and elusive demeanor he has a firm hold in my heart. I always end up holding my tongue and let it just ring in my head, wondering how long this will last, how far this will go. Letting the small amount of hope to settle in the pit of my stomach and hoping it doesn't grow any larger.

    Hopefully with the onslaught of words my brain and heart of emptied enough that I can go to sleep somewhat soundly. If not I can always watch some pokemon xyz episodes on youtube.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Final Time

    It's hard to continue like this. The waiting, this emptiness just sitting inside me. I'm tired of it, so very tired. I wish I could say that I hated it. That way I would still have the energy to fight it, but I've gotten past that. I've given in. I'm such a coward. A failure, waste of space. If some asked what I could do that would benefit the earth. Well my answer would probably be kill myself. Im really just a parasite at this point in time. I'm not bringing anything to this world, not helping anyone out or making there lives better. I'm just here and that is something that I'm sick and tired of. Being here.
    Despite my thoughts I find it so hard to leave, to just jump, to just cut a bit deeper. There's always something holding me back, something trivial or stupid. Today though, today will be the day. There's one final thing I want to do before that though.
    I ring her doorbell and she quickly opens the door with a smile. She knows it's me and isn't surprised by my presence. We do have a date tonight. I greet her and we head out to the movies to see some comedy action flick that I can't remember the title of. It's a good time we're both amused by the end and decide to get some ice cream and walk back to her place. She chats about her week and I listen intently adding in feedback. All the while I'm memorizing her facial features, her beautiful eyes, her laugh. I try to take in every detail and sear it into my brain. This will be the final time.
   We get back to her place and fall into our routine of joking with each other till we get tired and go to bed. It's going to be the last time. For once I'm a bit more brave and confident when we do it. I try to get as much noise out of her as I can. Make sure she absolutely loves it. All the while I feel like I'm trying to eat her whole and swallow her soul. I don't want to forget this, any of this. Of all the things in my life she is the most important one and I would do anything for her.
    I wonder what she would do if I told her this would be the last time. This is the end, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much I wish it wasn't. When we kiss goodnight, it's long and soulful. I feel as if we shared a part of ourselves in that kiss. Eventually she falls asleep and I watch her for a bit. That peaceful expression on her face is the final piece and I almost break looking at her, but I don't. Standing I quietly dress myself and kiss her on the forehead. Softly, she doesn't even twitch in her sleep. I leave the only place that ever really felt like home to me and don't look back.
    That was the only thing keeping me here and now it's time to say goodbye. I stare down at the world bellow me. I don't even know how far up I am. Just saw a tall building I could go inside and made my way to the top. So here I am looking down at the world bellow and all I feel is peace and sadness. Without thinking I lean forward and stare at the ground rushing towards me. Strangely enough I don't feel fear or regret. It's better this way, for everyone.

Thank you.

 Did I ever tell you that I loved you? 

I did?

I'm glad. 

Inspired by: Jaymes Young - One LastTime

Awakening

    I quietly walk into the small guest bedroom of the house and take a moment to observe the room. It's filled with many different things. There are clothing articles thrown about in piles, a growing group of what seems to be knick knacks of sorts and two material suitcases in one corner with a bright red bean bag in the middle of the tiny room. It's the complete opposite of what this room usually looks like, bare. Spiders and dust were once the occupants of this room, now though it's a female with long strawberry colored hair.
    Said female is currently sleeping, curled up in the middle of the bed which is found to the left of the door. Most of her body is covered by a soft yellow, orange and brown blanket, but there are a few places where her skin is showing. Let the fun begin. I sit down on the bed and stare, contemplating whether to tickle her feet, neck or hand. She's very ticklish. All I have to do is lightly swipe across her skin and she feels discomfort and tries to hid. I start from the arm and lightly swipe across the small bit of exposed skin and than wait. The body moves a bit, but only barely so I repeat my action a few more times. After a few more minutes of this the girl finally moves and tucks her hand under the blanket so it is out of my reach. This doesn't deter me at all though as I just move on to her neck and repeat the process. This time I get a light groan and I immediately stop. As much as I enjoy teasing her and watching her squirm, I know if I ever actually woke her up this way I would be in a world of pain.
    So I stop and instead watch her for a few moments, wondering if she will wake up on her own or will I have to help her. It seems though that she feels little want to be conscious and instead ends up cocooning herself in the blanket. I really can't help but be amused by this. Eventually though I start to nudge her shoulder, not roughly just light little shakes, two or three at a  time before stopping and waiting. If she starts to move I know she's slowly waking up, but if she curls in on herself more I have to keep nudging. I shake her shoulder a couple more times, before she lets out a groan. Her hand snakes out from under the warmth of the blanket and picks up a device near her head. She pears at it, squinting her eyes before sighing and putting it back down.
    She rolls over on her back with her eyes just barely open. Open, close, open, close. Slowly they start to open completely, but than she blinks quickly in multiple succession as if fighting the urge to just roll over and fall back asleep. It's probably exactly what she's doing at the moment. This goes on for a few more moments before she finally starts blinking at a normal pace. It seems she has won the battle against the Sandman.
     Now she's rolling onto her side and grabbing a small black case from which she pulls out a pair of glasses. Putting them on she notices me and sighs, grateful that I'm waking her, but at the same time annoyed, because she would really prefer to be unconscious at the moment. After a few more minutes of gathering herself and just waking up she finally sits upright.
    This is the moment I have been waiting for. I calmly walk over to her and sit in her lap. It doesn't take long for her to start petting me and I let out a light purr. 'Thanks for waking me kitty cat,' she says it in a slightly sleepy voice, but in that annoying tone of hers. She knows I don't like to be called kitty cat, but I guess it's revenge for me tickling her every morning. Sighing, I stand and jump from her lap, she looks at me in disdain before standing as well. 'Guess it's time to start the day, fuckin fantastic.'