Asters texted words hit me hard. He got a job. A temporary one. It's only for two weeks, but hey he's doing something aside from studying math and siting at home. I've become a bit of a hermit. I don't go out unless I have to buy some groceries or I go for training. I don't really hang out with friends, cause I have few and they are more like acquaintances. I just feel like I'm sitting in this black hole of nothingness at the moment that I can't seem to get out of.
Life has no point. I've known this for a while and it's something Aster and I joke about fairly often. I wondered how other people could continue there lives without thinking about this. It's cause they have some kind of distraction.
First you're a kid. You're learning to interact with the world, discover it, enjoy it, learn about it. It seems like the world is your oyster during that time. Then you become a teen. It's hard because you have to deal with these weird changes in your body. You start to notice the others in a romantic way. Your world consists of your friends, school and family.
By this time some people start to question the world and the way it works. Others ignore it, why bother yourself with something so trivial? Why ponder over something that really doesn't have an answer? You could come up with a thousand reasons to the meaning of life and yet none of them would satisfy you. So why bother? People distract themselves from the bombardment of questions and thoughts by diving headfirst into life. Sinking to the bottom and not daring to come back up again. What would be the point anyway? Sleepless night? Those can be earned through other ways. People distract themselves with there live, giving themselves meaning. Whether it's school, a job, a relationship, starting a family. These things create meaning in peoples lives.
I can't seem to create my own meaning. I can't help but drift near the surface, sticking my head out occasionally and wondering what could possibly be the point in all of this? A biologist would say to continue the human race. A scientist would probably say something about discovering the world and what it has to offer. Everybody has a different answer to this unanswerable question. Whenever I come up with one I never seem to settle on it. I wish I could just say I want to fully live my life and that's that, but it's easy to say and hard to do. Aside from that it doesn't satisfy me. I guess I'm a bit of a philosopher at heart, although sometimes I wish I wasn't. Because then I wouldn't have these moments where I'm doubting myself and questioning my point of existence that I have so much trouble diving back into the water called life. But I also love those moments, you know those small ones, that remind you it's a beautiful thing to think and be aware. To allow yourself to grow just from thinking about something different from anyone else.
I guess when it all comes down to it I'm just a tad bit jealous of Aster. We're in the same boat at the moment and yet he has something more now. I'm a terrible person aren't I? This just means I should do something with my life, so that I don't feel as if I'm wasting it. My golden year is approaching and there are a few things I still want to do, but at the same time I still wish to turn back time and be a child once more. No matter how much time travel fanfiction I read though, that doesn't mean it will happen to me.
Maybe I'll see you around?
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