I'll start from the beginning. The day before I was lazing about at home. It was a Saturday evening and I had the house to myself. I was watching some youtube videos when I got a text from Aster asking me if I wanted to go drinking with him and the guys. At first I ignored the text, cause I was feeling lazy and wasn't that interested in going with them. After a moment though I though, hell it's Saturday evening, I haven't gone drinking with them in a while, so you know what I'll go. It was a random stir of the moment decision that I didn't regret in the slightest. I bought some beer, successfully navigated my way to Bell's house and met up with the guys.
I can easily admit I had lots of fun. There was a lot of laughter and we teased Bell a ton which made the outing worth it. That and getting to see Aster more is always an added plus. Around one we split and Aster walked me home, since he missed his bus and the next one wasn't for another hour. Once we were at my house I asked him what he was doing. He thought about just walking home, since he didn't feel like waiting for the bus, but I also offered him a place to sleep at my house. Now he's slept over plenty of times already, so this didn't lead to any awkwardness or whatever. He took me up on my offer, cause he's lazy and honestly I'm not surprised he didn't feel like walking home.
We've been sleeping together for a few weeks now, no not that sleeping together, I'm talking about two people sleeping in the same bed and that's it. So it's gotten to be a bit of a routine in a way, almost at least. We both still had a bit of alcohol in our systems, so despite being tired we talked a bit, while at the same time cuddling. I'm not sure if it can be called cuddling. Aster somehow tangles his legs in mine and then puts an arm around me, while I kinda curl into him a bit. Is that cuddling? I don't know, but it's nice, even if it's not the most comfortable position in the world. We talked for a bit just sorta wrapped around each other, giggling and talking casually. We were more at ease because of the alcohol in our systems, more relaxed and I guess a tad more brave. Aster's always a lot more affectionate when he drinks a bit, while I speak more openly.
Our conversation didn't last very long maybe five or ten minutes, but it started with Aster admitting he likes the feel of my legs, which I giggled at for quite a bit. He seemed a bit embarrassed so I told him I really like his smell and that's why I often ask him what shampoo or body wash he uses. It's almost always different though, so I've come to realize it's his natural smell. This got a chuckle out of him and he seemed to relax more. I don't remember what we talked about after that, but I think we sorta fell into a comfortable silence and then Aster spoke up again "Kocham cię" (transl: I love you). I froze and tensed when he said this and I felt like the most horrible person in the world, because I couldn't say it back yet. I just wasn't ready, I wasn't sure, I still don't know. I told him as such, apologized and only replied "I'm falling for you, but I'm sorry I'm not sure if it's love yet." He understood and said it was ok, that he didn't mind. I swear this human is an angel from heaven or something. I don't think many people would be satisfied by my answer, some would probably be upset. So when Aster went on to tell me that he felt something for me since our first year of high school, but wasn't sure about it till later I almost broke.
During my first year of school I thought of Aster as the shy kid that sat in front of and across from me. I acknowledged his existence, but that was it. We didn't talk and after I switched seats, we didn't interact at all. It wasn't until the end of second year that we actually started having regular conversations with each other. It wasn't until the middle of third year I realized I had feeling for him. I feel like a terrible person not realizing my own feeling sooner. I know this is a pointless accusation and a waste of energy, because like it or not I'm terrible with emotions and there is nothing I can do about that. I'm broken and that's that. It doesn't mean that it somehow dulls the aching I feel in my heart or the anger at myself when I thought 'run away.'
I don't know what love to a partner is. It doesn't matter how much I read about it or however many movies I watch with some kind of romantic plot in it. Love feels different for everyone and I don't know what mine feels like. I enjoy spending time with Aster. Even if it's just the two of us doing nothing, whether we are playing video games side by side, taking a walk or being bored together. I enjoy it nonetheless. Sometimes when I miss him, my brain will randomly conjure up his sent and for a moment I'll think he's standing right behind me and a soft smile will come on my face even though I know he isn't really there. Does this make it love? Or is it just fondness and attachment?
My father knew he was in love with my mother, because he knew that if there was a bullet or car heading straight for her then he would jump in front of her without a second though. He also constantly thought about her and had a picture of her that he would often look at. From the stories he told me of their younger days it's easy to see he was in love with her. This doesn't really help me though, because like I said earlier everybody shows there love in different ways. As for the taking a bullet for him, well if Aster was in trouble I'd probably do it. If a car was heading towards him I'd push him out of the way, even if that meant my death. If a group of thugs surrounded us I'd pummel them all to death if I had to. Here's the catch though I would do this for all of my precious people. I have few of them and God dammit I'm gonna protect them with my life.
I feel terrible for not being able to sort out my feelings. I'm confused and angry, sad, terrified and just a mess of everything on the inside, because I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I do not know. I'm not cut out for relationships. I'm broken and scared and jaded. Aster's been so patient with me and still is and I wonder how long he will continue to be. He'll get tired of me eventually. He'll leave. Then what would I do. Probably cry, most people would. Although I'd most likely try to put on a brave front at first and then later when I'm all alone I'd curl up in a ball and let my tears silently roll down my face. I'd be sad and quiet for a few days, but eventually I'd get over it. Everyone does and I'd be no different. I'd probably feel empty on the inside since one of my precious people would be gone forever. Larkspur would no longer be able to joke about turning us into vampires or threatening to bring me back from the dead if I died to early. Where Aster and her would then torture me for the rest of my after life. My life would change, yet it would not. I'm used to people leaving, but I digress I'm certain I've written about that before.
In the end I'm no closer to understanding anything. I'm still confused and angry and scared. Why can't this be easier. Because then life would be boring. Sometimes I think about changing my life motto, but it's so fitting that I can't. 'If life was easy then it would be boring.'
Sorry for wasting your time.
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