Stressed more than I should

"I feel like your stressing about this more than you should."

It's a simple line, made in a serious type of conversation that could potentially change the dynamic of our relationship, while at the same time moving us forward for the first time in years. We've been in this rift for about two years now. Being together but not progressing forward, just sort of stuck in place. That was probably partially my fault, but also because we just weren't sure where we were going in life. Now there's suddenly a big step before us, something that could make or break 4 years of us.

And that, that absolutely terrifies me. It means we no longer have a safety cushion on. It will just be the two of us. Now I'm talking about this as if it's official, which it's not and if it does end up being true then it will be talked about, but just making the decision, taking the steps to get there. Well, they frighten and unnerve me. It's taking a literal leap into a pit of blackness and no one is going to open your parachute, except you. 

So to hear you say, 'Ya, no problem' in such a casual and laid back way, boggles my mind. Are you just that confident about this, about all of this? Or are you just willing to put in the work to make us work? It's something I'll probably never ask you about, just something to keep in the back of my mind. 

Still if this comes to anything, I know this. I will try my hardest to make this work, because I want it to work. I already confessed my undying love to you in the last post, admitted you changed my mind about principles that feel as if they were engraved into me, so I guess taking this leap of faith with you is something that scares the ever loving hell out of me, but also excites me.

That's why I'm stressing about it so much, but you won't get to know that.

I'm Afraid

    I've been putting off writing this since the beginning of the new year, letting everything build up inside me, just like I used to do. I'd like to think it's different this time, that I wasn't running away, that I was just focused on other things. But that's a lie.
    Each time I though 'I should write something' my brain always found something better to do. Any distraction is better than facing on this. I don't procrastinate, I escape. It's something I didn't realize until just recently which is silly of me, but I find it difficult to differentiate between the two words. Still I know now that I take part in the school of escapism, distracting myself with anything so that I don't have to think about my life. And for the past few months I've been doing a lot of that. So much so that I hid away from the world for a little while. Fucking even now I'm trying to go around the problem, stalling because really there is more than one problem.
    I'm afraid right now. Of school, of my future and of Aster. Schools a given, it terrifies me, knowing that I shouldn't be where I am but I've already gotten this far so I should try to finish than do something else. It makes logical sense, but my brain just says give up now and run away. What's even the point? There isn't much else to say, I'm just tired of school. I want to be done, even though I still have a ways to go.
    Now this is hard for me to write, let alone say out loud. It seems so stupid, but by this point I feel as if I've been conditioned by the adults around me to not think these thoughts. Yet here I am thinking these awful thoughts.

I want to marry Aster. 

    I want to be with him forever, I'll even give the fucker a baby girl since he wants it so bad. Go ahead laugh, this isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to sit in the corner with my head hung in shame. It's so stupid to think these thoughts and be embarrassed by them, they're perfectly normal thoughts! Yet here I am torn in two, one part saying fuck everything anyone ever told me and the other saying I should break it off now because this will end in disaster.
    I think the thing that I hate the most though, is that even if I was 100% on board with these thoughts I wouldn't be able to say them yet. We've been together for years sure, but we haven't had the chance to live together yet and we're both still building our 'careers.' They're words that I can't say anytime soon and thus the other side will always be whispering to stop daydreaming.
    It doesn't help that last weekend I realized my mental health is based of off my relationship with Aster. I was so stupid! How could I make Aster my antidepressant? It's not like I did it on purpose. My worst and first depressive funk was escaped due to Aster, he took an interest, we started dating and I started to smile more often. Didn't really think too much on it, but last weekend I realized I made a mistake and now I don't know how to fix it.
    I was depressed for a solid two weeks recently, just kinda fell into it. It's that time of year where it tends to happen more often so I didn't really think about it, it usually passed after a day or two. It only got worse though and I slowly started to hide from the world. I stopped texting people completely and I stayed in my room as much as possible.
    My thoughts are never good during that time they always lead to self harm, this time though they skipped over that entirely and went straight to a more permanent solution. It was hard, because alone at night or early in the morning it'd be so easy to just go to the forest with a knife in my pocket. I listened to a lot of loud music to try to block some of those thoughts.
    During that time I hadn't really spoken with Aster, he sent a few texts that I half-heartedly replied or completely ignored, until one day I offered to meet him and go for a small walk with Bax. Middle of the week, late in the evening, just a walk.
    In that one hour I had talked more than I had over a week and I smiled and laughed and I felt better, I felt alive, as if I was reminded what the fuck I was living for. And that honest to god scares me.
    How the fuck do I explain to the man I love that 'hey the only reason I'm living is because of you, when we don't talk regularly I get sad because my brain thinks you've finally gotten bored and a tiny part of me wants you to find someone better and move on so that I can leave, because I'm a fucking broken mess.' Yup, no clue how that'd go down in a conversation.
    I don't know how to fix this mess I've made, no way to talk about it, nothing I can do. I keep telling myself to just stop caring because then everything will be easier, but it's not always the case. Not with Aster, because I want to tell him but I'm afraid, so instead I think I'll just cry. That always helps ease the pain a bit. 

New Year's Eve

There's no snow.

There's no massive party.

The whole family hasn't come together.

It hasn't been like that in a long time.

But this isn't a complaint.

It's not a tragic story of how a family no longer comes together.

Now it's about a different family.

One where everyone is close to the same age, 

the only elders are called old jokingly. 

While the young one's are really just above 18.

It's non-conventional, but it's new years eve. 

With how old everyone is, it's not surprising everyone is finding time with people that aren't family. Even those that still have family together.

Still I use to not care about new years eve.

I never really had friends here to spend that evening with.

Now though, as much as I pretend to not care, spending new year's eve with a group of friends that I can think of as a second family.

Well that just makes all the chaos and the noise

 worth the laughs.

SIckly Tired

    I don't sleep well on my own. My body always seems to have trouble falling asleep while my mind races. At night time I seem to think the most. All the thoughts I push to the side during the day seem to come alive right when I'm trying to fall asleep. So instead of sleeping I lay in my bed, trying to calm my thoughts and hoping I fall asleep within the hour. Sometimes it happens other times I fall into a light snooze, until I eventually fall into a deeper sleep.
    Usually if I have trouble sleeping I'll make up a story in my head, give my brain something to focus on until my body finally passes out. They tend to be fantasy stories or remakes of novels or shows I've watched, but occasionally when I don't have the strength to fight with myself, they're stories of my life.
    I try to stay away from these types of stories. I've learned the hard way that they can ruin me mentally, but every once in a  while when my brain just isn't thinking straight I fall into them. Last night was one of those nights. I was sick, still sort of am, with clogged sinuses and a constant headache. I went to sleep early last night, as I could no longer keep my eyes open while reading my book, and fell into a dreamless sleep.
    Although because I went to sleep so early I ended up waking up around three in the morning, but I was desperate to get more sleep, since I'd only slept about 7 hours and wanted to get at least 9, so I laid in bed trying to relax and let my brain fall into story land. Now that I'm writing this down they seem so stupid and silly, yet they helped me fall asleep and brought me some amount of comfort.
    Last night trying to fall asleep I think I dreamt up at least 4 different scenarios of Aster just coming into my room and sleeping in our bed. They were all innocent and pg stories too. Once I woke up to someone opening the door and I started freaking out cause I thought there was a burglar only for his head to pop through the crack, scaring the shit out of me. Another time I was stretching out my hand in bed and got confused as to why I hit something and he was there sleeping next to me. And on they go, silly stupid things like that.
    My brain and I both know that for some reason I sleep best when Asters sleeping next to me. I tend to fall asleep faster when he's over, I rarely wake up in the middle of the night when he's here and I don't think I've ever had a nightmare with him here either.
    Even though I'm sick, it makes me want him here all the more. It's a selfish thought. That's why this weekend I'm alone. No need for the both of us to get sick.

I tried to be the sun

I tried to be the sun once, a long time ago. 

    It was easier back then, even if I couldn't achieve the full effect with everyone I still did my best. Trying to bring everyone around me into a light that would bring smiles and cheer. It made me self centered, wanting the people around me to be happy and to get along. It took me a while to realize that, but I still choose to act like a sun, getting all my friends to orbit around me and themselves. I still do this with certain people, try to get everyone I care about included. Get them to smile, feel happy even when I want to jump into a pit.
    I don't do this anymore. Not to the degree I did when I was younger. Now I choose to single out individuals that are outcasts or merge with a group that has a dynamic and role I can easily fit into. For my drinking friends I'm 'the girlfriend' and 'the moron,' two roles that don't need me to be anything but myself.
    So it was surprising when I found myself falling into a habit that I thought I had dropped years ago. Yet here I am once again trying to be a sun. Visiting my mom always makes me feel like I've fallen back into a different time. I revert a little to that naive girl, for just a moment my brain thinks 'I'm with mama. Everything is OK.' That feeling lasts for days at best. Still it easily brings forth my terrible habit. Usually I notice it after a few days, but this time I'm here without my brother and because I have time in the middle of the day where I'm alone I never noticed that when I'm with my mother and Larkspur I put on that mask once again.
    I suddenly spent four days in a row with the both of them, Spur during the day and Ma' during the evening or both. At one point I felt exhausted even though I'd just been chilling all day with the two of them. The back of my brain though was hard at work, thinking about how to split my time between the two of them and what we can do together and hoping neither of them feel ignored. It got to the point where I just wanted to lock myself in a room all by myself so my brain would just stop racing.
    I should have seen the obvious clues, cracking jokes whenever, smiling often and constantly checking on my mom. My Gram' even commented that every time she see's me I'm such a 'happy child' and she's so glad.
    I want to laugh, because I am not a happy child. I have good days, of course, but more often than not I feel neutral. When I'm here in a place that has long since stopped being my home I feel empty, sort of dead. I try to find the good in my surroundings, but I hate being here. Now more than ever.
    I don't really care what we do. Sure let's go to the gym. Let's go for a walk. I'm up for watching a movie. Honestly I don't fucking care. Anything to make the time pass by faster. I will do anything to feel less like me. That's probably why it's so easy for me to dress up here.

I just want to go back to my home. 

    I want to enter the room and be greeted by an over excited basset hound breed. I want to pet him and say silly things to him that he doesn't understand while being watched by an amused long haired blond, who greets me after I finish adoring the lovable pupper. Then walk up to him and say a casual 'hey' before sitting down on the couch next to him with the doggo quickly jumping up to join us.

I want to go back to my home, not be stuck in an 

empty shell that has no life in it's walls. 

Just a few more weeks

    You lay down for the night. Bringing you're soft covers up to your neck and tucking it in around your body, warming yourself up in the chilly bed. You cuddle your dragon plush. It brings you comfort despite it not being your usual companion. The purple bear you tend to sleep with is back home, across the sea. Left home in fear of losing him on the plane.
    A mimikyu plush joins the two of you, watching over from the top of the pillows. All that's left before you try to sleep is the sweatshirt. It's not yours. Lent to you, by request. It's not something you wear, more of a sleeping companion then anything else.
    The first few nights you would smell their smell on it, but over time it faded. Now it's just another reminder of what's waiting back home. Still you tuck the sweatshirt between your pillows, pulling out one of it's arms. You wrap around it as if you were holding someones hand. Sometimes when you're on the verge of falling asleep you can almost feel their hand holding yours.
    After tucking yourself in and settling for a comfortable position you close your eyes, hoping for a quick dreamless sleep. You don't fall asleep immediately though, that's never the case. Now even more so. Instead your tired brain wonders.
    What are they up to? How is everything at home? How's the dog doing? When will I get to see them? Some nights are bad though, your brain descends into the darker parts that you try to ignore during the day. What if they found someone who makes them happier? What if they realize they don't love me anymore?

What if I come back only to discover my world is now gone? 

I try to forget about those night. 

    Still you sleep restless, light and on the verge of waking. It's like this most nights for reason unexplained. After a while your body finally gives out and you sleep normally, but once you're well rested it's back to the usual.
    It's only a few more weeks. You think to yourself, cuddling closer to the sweatshirt trying in vain to smell the familiar scent that has long since disappeared.

Just a few more weeks.

HomeSick

    I feel as if I've entered into another dimension. One where my family never moved to Poland, but my parents still got divorced. Where my brother went to college overseas just to get away from them both and I stayed behind, to keep my mothers abandonment issues from growing.
    I'm in a world where I live to work, because there's nothing else that helps distract me from the void I feel slowly consuming me. Everything is just like I remember it, but a fraction off, keeping me from seeing it until it smacks me right in the face.
    Illinois is a drastically different place compared to the polish coast. Everything is flat here, extremely so. You can drive in a straight line for hours without having to make a turn and you'll still get somewhere. The stores are all lined up in an orderly fashion. All of them have the same style store front, beige concrete with occasional green/brown accents. The only way you differentiate between them all is their signs. In order to get anywhere you need a car, unless you want to walk endlessly for hours in a straight line.
    I just look and I can't help but compare it to my home. Where's the forest that can be reached in less than three minutes walking? Where are all the tree's growing out of side walks or in yards, that make building occasionally difficult but people still keep them? Where are the hillsides that make you hate walking somewhere far? The buses and trams that save you from those walks? The friendly bike lines that allow bikers to share the road with cars? Nonexistent. All of it is nonexistent.

    Everything here is contained and orderly. 

Everything there is organized chaos. 

    The two towns that I know so well are separate worlds. No matter how many times I come here I can't seem to find a nook for myself. I can't help but feel displaced and lost. Counting down the days until I get back. Sure I distract myself with food, but everything is so much sweeter here. It makes me sick to my stomach. Family is always trying to get you to stay, even if it's just a little bit longer. Thus I've learned to tip toe around the subject like a mouse hiding from a cat.
    My mother told me I should try to date while I'm here. 'It'll get you out of the house' she said, despite knowing I've been in a relationship for as long as I have. I declined, explaining I would feel uncomfortable doing that, while trying to keep myself from being sick. Just thinking about doing such a thing makes me feel awful. Dating while dating someone else that you love is cheating, no matter how my mother tries to phrase it.
    I got hired by a coffee company. I guess that's a silver lining, although I have to wait for them to do a background check on me before I can be officially hired. Which can take anywhere from three days to three weeks. I just need a distraction other than reading, watching or family. Anything to keep me from thinking of home.
    It's been a week since I left, each day I only miss him more. His smell from his sweatshirt has almost faded, making it just a piece of clothing that reminds me every night of what I miss most. My brain keeps thinking about 'when I get back.' Dreaming up scenarios where he's at the airport with my family waiting to pick me up and as soon as I spot him I can't take my eye's off of him. Or where I get home on my own and find him in my room, waiting.
    I miss him, I miss Bax. They fill a void in my heart, because they are my home. If it weren't for them Poland would be just another more comfortable place for me to live.