I'm Afraid

    I've been putting off writing this since the beginning of the new year, letting everything build up inside me, just like I used to do. I'd like to think it's different this time, that I wasn't running away, that I was just focused on other things. But that's a lie.
    Each time I though 'I should write something' my brain always found something better to do. Any distraction is better than facing on this. I don't procrastinate, I escape. It's something I didn't realize until just recently which is silly of me, but I find it difficult to differentiate between the two words. Still I know now that I take part in the school of escapism, distracting myself with anything so that I don't have to think about my life. And for the past few months I've been doing a lot of that. So much so that I hid away from the world for a little while. Fucking even now I'm trying to go around the problem, stalling because really there is more than one problem.
    I'm afraid right now. Of school, of my future and of Aster. Schools a given, it terrifies me, knowing that I shouldn't be where I am but I've already gotten this far so I should try to finish than do something else. It makes logical sense, but my brain just says give up now and run away. What's even the point? There isn't much else to say, I'm just tired of school. I want to be done, even though I still have a ways to go.
    Now this is hard for me to write, let alone say out loud. It seems so stupid, but by this point I feel as if I've been conditioned by the adults around me to not think these thoughts. Yet here I am thinking these awful thoughts.

I want to marry Aster. 

    I want to be with him forever, I'll even give the fucker a baby girl since he wants it so bad. Go ahead laugh, this isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to sit in the corner with my head hung in shame. It's so stupid to think these thoughts and be embarrassed by them, they're perfectly normal thoughts! Yet here I am torn in two, one part saying fuck everything anyone ever told me and the other saying I should break it off now because this will end in disaster.
    I think the thing that I hate the most though, is that even if I was 100% on board with these thoughts I wouldn't be able to say them yet. We've been together for years sure, but we haven't had the chance to live together yet and we're both still building our 'careers.' They're words that I can't say anytime soon and thus the other side will always be whispering to stop daydreaming.
    It doesn't help that last weekend I realized my mental health is based of off my relationship with Aster. I was so stupid! How could I make Aster my antidepressant? It's not like I did it on purpose. My worst and first depressive funk was escaped due to Aster, he took an interest, we started dating and I started to smile more often. Didn't really think too much on it, but last weekend I realized I made a mistake and now I don't know how to fix it.
    I was depressed for a solid two weeks recently, just kinda fell into it. It's that time of year where it tends to happen more often so I didn't really think about it, it usually passed after a day or two. It only got worse though and I slowly started to hide from the world. I stopped texting people completely and I stayed in my room as much as possible.
    My thoughts are never good during that time they always lead to self harm, this time though they skipped over that entirely and went straight to a more permanent solution. It was hard, because alone at night or early in the morning it'd be so easy to just go to the forest with a knife in my pocket. I listened to a lot of loud music to try to block some of those thoughts.
    During that time I hadn't really spoken with Aster, he sent a few texts that I half-heartedly replied or completely ignored, until one day I offered to meet him and go for a small walk with Bax. Middle of the week, late in the evening, just a walk.
    In that one hour I had talked more than I had over a week and I smiled and laughed and I felt better, I felt alive, as if I was reminded what the fuck I was living for. And that honest to god scares me.
    How the fuck do I explain to the man I love that 'hey the only reason I'm living is because of you, when we don't talk regularly I get sad because my brain thinks you've finally gotten bored and a tiny part of me wants you to find someone better and move on so that I can leave, because I'm a fucking broken mess.' Yup, no clue how that'd go down in a conversation.
    I don't know how to fix this mess I've made, no way to talk about it, nothing I can do. I keep telling myself to just stop caring because then everything will be easier, but it's not always the case. Not with Aster, because I want to tell him but I'm afraid, so instead I think I'll just cry. That always helps ease the pain a bit.