Not ready yet

I'm not ready yet.

    For what you ask, well that has a lot of answers. I keep expecting something, from life from people from myself, but there's never anything to anticipate.
    Everything just continues to move forward while my mind keeps me from flowing with everything else. It's why I like watching birds, even though sometimes you can't stare straight at them because they'll get spooked.
    There's a lot in my neighborhood and thanks to a friend I've come to know a few of the species. There are wróbelki which are heard birds. So tiny, and where you'll see one, two more will be near by. They love to play in dirt and hid in bushes. They also don't migrate so you tend to see them all year.
    You also have kafki which are crow like birds that are very clever. They have this look in their eyes as if they were constantly thinking. They tend to get along (sometimes) with wrony which are pretty much crows with sleek black feathers and long dark beaks. The two species are both very cleaver and aren't as afraid of humans as wroble. I also love wrony because they're grey and black counterparts look like they're wearing a suite. The way they walk also makes it seem like they're constantly contemplating over something.
    So why do I enjoy watching birds? Because they always seem to know what they're doing. You've got the pigeons and they have two priorities food and fucking. It's the most obvious thing in the world for them, so sometimes I look towards birds to forget about all of my tiny world problems. I find it so easy to space out when I'm on a walk or observing things. Whether it's people or animals, maybe even just the city scape, my brain easily turns off. Sometimes I want to ask others if they can do this, because it seems like a weird thing to be able to do, but maybe it's not.
    Anyway I'm stalling. There's this thought on mind, maybe I'm being too open? Before I kept everything to myself, staying quiet and leaving things be as they are, but now I tend to speak up or say what's on my mind. I'm wondering if I should stop doing it as much as I do it. Saying things that are on my mind, telling people when I'm stressed or bothered. Because every time I do tell someone I feel like I'm expecting something from them. There's always this tiny feeling of dissatisfaction after, whether it's with myself or with the person is sometimes hard to say. At the same time I want to be close with people, but maybe by doing this I just push them away because I'm too open. It's something I don't really know how to deal with just yet.
    There's also all these thoughts that have piled up in my brain. Stupid silly things, but I always push them aside or tend to not acknowledge them, because it's easier that way. The most stupid one. Around either August or September I wrote a sort of heavy post. Talking about what life is for me. It was a bit of a depressing thing, but it's something that struck me really hard. I wanted to talk to Larkspur about it, but her only comment was 'You must have been really depressed that day.' I sort of deflated a little on the inside, because yes I hadn't been having a good day than, but in reality I still believe what i wrote.
    I don't think I'm ready to live with Aster yet. I never seem to know what to do with myself when he's here. Sure I tend to do stuff on my laptop, but I never just watch a shit ton of youtube videos, like I usually do, when he's here, doing his own thing. I'm unable to put on headphones and just listen to music while spacing out, like I sometimes enjoy doing. I don't watch the same Shane Dawson video for the fifth time, because I know it will cheer me up, nor do I do silly unnecessary sounds or movements that perk me up. I explain these away as having lazy days or taking in his aura since I only get to see him for a day, before it's a week without. So many silly excuses and I think it's gotten to the point where I'm not 100% myself anymore around him. Just a teeny part of myself, but it makes me wonder if I'm a liar. So maybe it's best that we don't live together yet. Not to mention my biggest fault.
    I'm selfish. I live in my own little world, so I tend to think about myself and my problems. You could blame it on partial isolation or my own depressive thoughts, but sometimes I just don't take others feelings into account. Whether it's my own thoughtlessness or a terrible understanding of the situation. I always somehow mess up. It's why I always say I'm a terrible person. And mean it.
    All of this is coming down to one thing. How do I be a good, balanced human being? One that's open with others, without over sharing. Someone that can talk about their difficulties, but makes sure not to overshadow others troubles. How do you show that you care about everyone close to you, but also remember to care about yourself?
    Maybe that's why I enjoy observing local birds. They know who they are, why they're here. They don't need to find that perfect balance that will make themselves happy with who they are while also making those close to them happy.
    If someone asked me if I was happy. I'd probably answer; can't complain.
Here though I'd probably say it depends on the weather, season and time of fucking day.  One thing is constant though, when evening rolls around I'm contemplative, occasionally perky, but when night falls. I just can't seem to force a muscle to move on my face.

I'm probably over thinking everything.

Just ignore all this bullshit please.