While today I was looking forward to seeing my old polish tutor, but she got sick, so we couldn't see each other. Wonder when I'll get to see her next? To top it all off I was an asshole to probably my only close friend in Poland and he was just trying to help. I'm sorry Zin. I just, uh I don't know how to explain, how do I explain anything.
Maybe, because recently there's this little voice in my head saying I don't belong here. I shouldn't be here. GET OUT! Whenever I enter the uni building this little voice keeps popping into my head. Reminding me and torturing me. I almost prefer the one telling me that this is all pointless and I should just finish it. Although after what I went through today that's probably a bad idea, cause I just might go through with it.
It hurts starting school, being annoyed that you have to go, but sort of excited cause you're advancing forward. You've made friends and acquaintances, you feel just a bit more confident, you almost start to think you can do this, but than you're slapped in the face. It starts to get harder and you start to struggle, you're juggling school, work and your mental health. It's all one big bundle of chaos, but you manage for a month, a month and a half, then you start to feel the weight.
The voice slowly crops up. 'You aren't suited for this.' It says as you struggle to grasp a simple concept that everyone else seems to understand immediately. 'You're too stupid for this.' It shouts at you while you struggle forward trying to ignore it. Ignore the laughing, this isn't high school, this isn't my first year. I've gotten better, I'm not stupid, you don't need to kick me out, please.
I'm trying.
Everyones moving so quickly I just can't keep up. It feels like my first two years of high school here all over again. It's a feeling I hate, because it's where my depression originated from. You could call it the soil to my sadness plant.Today I even got the urge, which is something that I havn't experienced in a long time. I almost picked up a knife, my brain went so far as to think about making tiny cuts all around my fingers so that it looked like I got hurt at work from glass. I didn't do it, but that fact that I felt the need to just proves today is a really fucking shitty day.
It probably doesn't help that I haven't really written anything concrete on here for a long while, just mostly metaphorical stuff. Cause why talk about my emotions when I can just elude to them? Maybe one day I'll learn, but knowing me that won't happen for a long time, heck I might die before than.
Still I cried today, it was comforting, but I still feel like I could cry more, like there are still tears hidden behind my eyes just waiting to explode. Its not easy to cry sometimes, even though I know I feel better after doing so.
Maybe I'm still under stress from everything around me. And my happy go lucky mask has been cracking under the pressure over the past few days. Today it finally shattered, not at the right time though. I apologize once again Zin.
I just didn't know how to respond to 'Are you okay? Because I've never seen such a sad and devastated look like that before.' It's weird how much someone else noticing and acknowledging, hurts and terrifies me. Which is laughable, because it's something I always wanted, but when it did happen I pushed them away and ran.
Aster's moving in soon, less than a month in fact. I'm so excited and happy and just over joyed. The feels man, the god damn mother fucking feels. Too many emotions for me to describe honestly, but it's days like these where I wonder how he would act.
What he would think of me when I'm like this, will he think less of me? Would he throw me away, realizing I'm just a shell of a human thats been carelessly glued back together? I rather not think such things, but than I also wonder if he has similar sad days? Or maybe he just has angry ones? Does he ever go through any unexplainable emotional days? They are questions that I'll never ask, but maybe answers will still be gained.
Him moving in is one of the only things I'm looking forward to, because honestly next month is going to be a shitty month. Exams are right around the corner, shit is going to hit the fan and who knows if I'm going to be prepared. I'm planning to study a good chunk of holiday break, polish up my java skills, gotta work on math and maybe toss in a little C to balance everything out.
It's all a plan, but I really do need to do it or else January is going to be an even bigger stress bomb. Is it wrong that I'm feeling done with everything and i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep till my body gives out? I'm thinking about so many things recently and it's just making my brain hurt.
I keep thinking about exams at the end of this semester, the fricking classes that will happen if I pass this semester, I don't even want to know what will happen if I fail this semester, nope nuh ugh. I keep wanting to move out and live with Aster and Bax in our own home, I want to stop thinking about the amount of money on my bank account and how I need to save as much as possible for when Larkspur visits or how I know my workplace will fire me if they aren't making enough money.
I'm also fighting the urge to buy a nintendo switch and getting the breath of the wild game as well, because I know I will immediately get sucked into playing it. An open world rpg, the best kind of escapism.
So many worries and thoughts, that are completely knew and I just don't know how to process them all. I just want to curl up into Asters side, because that's the only time the voices shut up. I'm so tired, but it doesn't matter if I go to sleep, because I will still end up lying awake.
Adulting is hard. Life is god damn bloody difficult. I want to be done with so many fucking things, but I can't. I have to finish them. I have to go through with them. This is just the beginning, gotta put up with all the crap. In the mean time I gotta find a new stress reliever or something or else I'm going to explode.
Shoot me, please for all that is holy, Jashin fucking damn it, shoot me.
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