Hypocrite

For once I'm not lying in a pool of my own blood. Instead, this time, well it's... it's HIS. 

    My arms are trembling as they struggle to hold his body, while my mind is trying to comprehend what lies before it's eyes.

This...it can't be!

Still there he lies still warm, eyes half shut, glossy and fogged over. I hold back a sob while I push back his long blond hair, the parts that aren't drenched in blood are soft, recently washed. If it weren't for all the red he'd look like an angel with his hair fallen around him, almost like a halo.
    I can't bring myself to look at his eyes, but I bring my hand over his eyelids in order to close them. The world will never know if he died with blue or green eyes. It's hard to hold back the tears at this point and I allow myself to finally cry.
    It's morbid, but I hold his slowly cooling body close and silently let tears fall from my eyes. This, this isn't fair. I was suppose to win this bet, not him. I was suppose to be the one to go first! He's...he..how....
    My mind shuts down and at one point I feel like someone's trying to grab him from my arms, but that's the one thing I can't allow, so I struggle to keep one of my final lifelines near me.

He was all I had! You can't..Please.

    I shut my eyes and all I feel is cold. I'm shivering and I find myself curling in on myself. So... this is what it feels like? I stare at the blank grave knowing full well there's no one bellow. I stare at my hands and there's no blood on them. No empty shell that once housed an amazing human soul.
    The relief that fills me is over whelming and I find myself once again bawling my eyes out. What a cruel joke, of all the people you choose, you choose the one that I'm most familiar with physically. You didn't even have to imagine anything, because I filled in all the details.

I hate myself. 

    Looking down at my hands once more I see the usual blood stream, my reminder. The grave is surprisingly still there, right on the edge of no return. Turning around I see my tree, and for once I'm not glad to see it, because I know it did this
    I want to scream and shout at it, but I know it's pointless, because what I just went through, however short lived it was, that is what he would go through. For a moment my eyes play that scene again and I can feel my heart jerk in pain. No. I finally say, swiping that scene to the side. I refuse to see that again. I never want to see that. He's only allowed to go when he's all gray and old, preferably in his sleep.

I'm such a hypocrite. 

    When I close my eyes and open them once again I find myself in bed with only half the covers on me. Looking over I can see he's taken them all and I smile taking note that both my hands and feet are frozen solid. Without a moments hesitation I wrap myself around him, making sure as much of my cold limbs touch him as possible. I hear a yelp from him and can't help but giggle slightly. That's much better.

Przepraszam, ale i też dziękuje.