Pointless

    I hate summer.
    Not only because the weather is constantly changing between rain or heat waves, but mostly because of the endless nothingness I feel during this time. For the past few years it's been like this, I look forward to getting a break from school, yet all too quickly I'm reminded of the emotional roller coaster that awaits me.
    If I'm flying to my brothers home I sort of cease to exist for a little while. Its all fake smiles, laughter, psychologist and good daughter acting. After all my mother only gets to see me so often, so shouldn't I be on my best behavior for her? Whenever I stay there around the end of my trip I can start to feel myself slipping and hating myself even more. Just be the daughter she thinks you are, there is no reason to cause any sort of confusion or stress for her.
    When my brother comes it's easier, but I constantly have to be on my toes. What do I have to do in order for my father to be satisfied? How do I respond to this situation so that everything doesn't go to shit? Usually it goes well, specially since I can escape to Aster's once a week, but this time, this time I fucked up.
    Worst part is, I can't really bring myself to care. I'm fine with my father thinking less of me and I think it'd be best if my brother grew more distant from me. Since during his stay here I learned one very vital thing from him, neither of us are able to understand one another anymore. He views me as a snobby spoiled rich kid, while I just think of him as the kid who picked the shorter straw. He's my kid brother and I care for him deeply, but it'd be best if we distanced ourselves.
    That sounds so stupid specially since we live on different continents, you really can't get more distanced than that. I know my father wants Azael to come for the winter holidays, maybe I can convince mother to let me fly over to her place. It'd be the first time the two of us would switch places like that and I would definitely piss off my old man, but I think it'd be a good idea. I'm probably just being selfish though and just wish to hide away from my father and brother when they're together.
    Still I'm getting a bit off track. To quickly sum up the above clusterfuck of information, a part of why I don't like summer is because I have to deal with the emotional roller coaster my family decides to put me on. The other reason is the long strings of absolute nothingness.
    I don't really have friends, so during the summer I need to find things to keep myself busy, such as learning a new skill, video games, exercising and so on. These things can only keep me busy for so long though, this year I decided to try to find a job, something that I could maybe do during the school year as well. So far I haven't gotten any calls or emails, but I've really only been searching for about two weeks. It would be my first official job, so I wasn't really expecting it to be easy to find one, but the fact that no one's called is disheartening to say the least.
    Coupled with the fact that evening always brings about a mental criss within me, doesn't really help matters. I'm going to be very honest and straightforwards for once in this entire goddamn blog, but this past month has been really hard on me emotionally and I have contemplated on more than one occasion about finding a nice tall building and just jumping off.
     I can't find a sense in my existence, no matter how hard I try. I keep trying to find something that will put meaning in my life, but everything always leads back to nothing! It's all just this empty goddamn tunnel with no fucking light anywhere in sight. I've pretty much just decided to curl up and hope something runs me over while I'm in there. The fact that I'm going through my room and getting rid of a lot of my old things probably isn't helping too much.
    I had a decent amount of old shounen jump manga about two an a half years worth (2008-2010), but I knew I couldn't keep them all. I ended up going through them and keeping about seven while putting the rest on a book crossing shelf in the library. A little bit of me died when I abandoned them on the self. I gave a lot of things away to the library this month. Tons of old books I knew I'd never read or had read many times before, gone.
    I got rid of a lot of things, clothes, jewelry, electronics, books, random shit, everything was looked through and purged. A lot was donated or given away, but in a way it still hurt. I got rid of a lot of things from before the move and seeing how empty my room has gotten just makes me feel like it'd be even easier to just say goodbye right now. A part of me is whispering to just grab a backpack and go while the other is saying to just jump.
    After all the numbness I so hated in high school keeps emerging after it's long hiatus, stronger than it ever was before. The thing is before I was drawn to my knife, now the only reason my knife interests me is to shove it straight through my veins.
    I wish I was strong enough to talk to someone about this, but I can't. I'm a goddamn bloody coward who dreams about getting hit by cars, forever falling asleep in a hole and just leaving behind this numb feeling thats sunken into my bones.