Don't belong

    Im back in this place, this building, this country, these streets this once was home away from home. Now though, everything feels so wrong. My spirite is screaming at me to pack my bags and leave. Leave this place and the people inside, because this is wrong I don't belong here anymore, this is the past and it should be kept that way. Yet, I'm here and from the first few hours it just felt wrong. My aunt seems to glare at me or give me the cold shoulder as if she were jealous or annoyed with me. What have I done? I haven't even been in your home for 24 hours and yet you seem to loath me? I'm sorry, if there was something I could do to make it better than I would, but you won't tell me and I can't read minds so we are at an impass. I guess I'll just have to stay out of your way till I leave. It's only a few days and the basement is large so I can hide down there. Doesn't keep me from wondering what I have done to earn such a look from you.
    Everyone here still views me as a child, which isn't surprising because family will always see you as such and my baby face probably doesn't help, but this is overwhelming. You don't have to keep asking me what I want to eat and if you should make something for me, if everything is okay, blah blah blah. I will eat when I'm hungry and will try to make something for myself. Don't mind me just let me do me please.
    It's difficult finding food to eat here because I'm so used to just eating rice with veggies, yet here all they have is a lone bell pepper and nothing more. Where's the zuccini? The red and white onions? Broccoli should always be present and there should never be a single bell pepper, don't you know they enjoy being in pairs of groups, all different colors of course. Radishes sometimes like to hang out, but only if there's cottage cheese as well as green onions. Leek's always there as well, even though I don't enjoy it's company too much and how could you forget garlic and ginger, those are staples to any meal. These basic of most basic things that I'm so used to seeing when I open the fridge are gone, nonexistent.
    It's confusing because the cool box is filled with things, different plastic boxes of shapes and sizes, drinks of the sort and meats, but nothing really calls out to me. It's barely been three days, but I already miss my empty frindge at home where it's only filled with what you need and nothing more. The pantry is where we keep things needed once in a while, canned goods, nuts, dried fruit and grains. Sure if you want something at our house you have to cook it to eat it, but that's just how it's been for us for the longest of times. Not to mention our own system.
    It's all so different and I can't seem to find myself here, especially with my aunts eyes burning a hole into my side. What have I done!? I'm sorry, I just wanted to try to reconnect with you all, because family and that bullshite. Specially since I probably won't see you all ever again. I try to crack jokes and get a few laughs, but nothing everyone's so serious here and I feel like I'm sufficating. Why are you so stern and set in your views don't you know that life is short and should be enjoyed to some extent or at least tried to, while at the same time scorned because life is an asshole.
    For fucks sake I can't crack a joke about dieing without people staring at me like I'm crazy. Oi, I'm allowed to do this shit, talk about waiting to die and leting my life blood flow from me, my soul slowly draining from my eyes. Here everyone seems to start when I say something similar. Are you unaware that you will eventually leave this plane of existence? Or do you try to ignore that as you go along with your pointless lives? Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to put them down or make fun of them, this is just fact. People passing on is sad, you're losing someone that meant something to you, filled your life with some meaning, gave it more color. They will be missed, but that doesn't mean you should avoid death like the plague. It's a fact of life that everyone will face in some shape or form.
    I'm not sure what I'm doing. Last time I was here I acted the way they wanted me too, but now I'm too comfortable with myself. I'm not afraid to show my personaltiy be who I am, but I can see it's not wanted or appreciated. I guess, I'll just be quite and stay here in the basement. I don't want to put on an act for you all just so you can remember someone I'm not. It's sad, because I wanted to get to know you all again, remember you in some way shape or form, because I really don't have too much family, but I guess I won't. It's too bad, I'm not perfect in any way nor am I an interesting person but I'd like to think I'm a good presence and conversationalist, after all I have a lot of friends that are a lot older than me and we all get along pretty well, so what's holding you back?

    Only time will tell I guess. 

An Old You

Do you ever wonder what happened to the younger you, the child you?

You know, the one that saw the world and wasn't afraid of it's vastness.

Had dreams for the future that never seemed too big or small.

Wanted to grow up and see the world without anything holding them back.

That innocent you, unaware of so many things, yet still so happy with everything around them.

So naive and childish, but that is exactly what you were for the longest time.

One day though you grew up.

It didn't happen over night, nor were you aware of it, but it happened. You probably didn't realize it until you looked back and really thought about it.

Still it's not something you want to think about, because honestly you don't know what happened to the younger you. The one filled with dreams and hope, innocents that is no longer within you, a purer you, you could almost say.

What happened to them?

Were they snuffed out by those around them?

Stomped into the ground by self preservation in the hope to better blend in with their surroundings?

Did they adapt in order to live more comfortably, safer?

Could you yourself have killed them off? Like an old childhood friend that you no longer had anything in common with?

Because in order to get to know the world you had to grow up, so you had to leave your childish self behind. 

For their naivety was something that you no longer could hold on to. Their hopes and dreams that they had scarred and overwhelmed you.  Their innocence and pureness felt so foreign to you, that you stepped away, because you didn't want to taint them. 

Your past self. Something that was your beginning, but now is just a stranger that you can't understand. 

Sometimes you look back and wonder, was that really what I did, how I acted. Sometimes you can't even remember them. All you have to go on are glimpses that remind you of what you were.

That doesn't keep you from thinking- what if?

Doesn't keep you from wondering, if the small bit of white innocents filled with the hopes and dreams that only a child can have, is still in you somewhere.

You try not to think about it anyway, wondering where they went, if they are still maybe here, somewhere, hidden. If all that's left are traces of something you once were or have they been snuffed out.

Still when you do look back you smile while thinking of a fond memory, because a long time ago, before the world changed you, you were that innocent ball of light that so many others once were.

Rambaling about sleep

    For the first time in my life I'm wondering what insomnia is like.
    I've always had trouble sleeping, ever since I could remember, as a primary school kid, a jr high brat and a high school lazy ass. It was normal for me to lay awake for at least an hour before finally succumbing to sleep. I never really talked about it, so I though it was normal for the longest time. Until I found out Larkspur's dad is able to magically fall asleep in three seconds flat. I thought he was different from the norm, that is until Larkspur said everyone in her family is like that. Maybe it's a family thing?
    Curious I went to my own family, questioning how long it takes them to fall asleep. Ignoring their strange stares, they replied it took them between five to ten minutes, not the lighting speed of Spurs family, but still much faster then me. It made me wonder why I didn't have this amazing ability to fall asleep within minutes, yet instead I had to lay around in bed for an hour and hope I fall asleep quickly.
    I kept my sleeping problem to myself for the longest time. I don't think my parents found out till I was halfway through high school. Still my methods of getting to sleep weren't always the best. When I was little I would read until I was so tired that my eyes couldn't stay open, literally making myself exhausted.
    After that I tried going to sleep around 10pm every night, because by my calculations that meant I'd fall asleep sometime past 11. During that hour of staring at the ceiling I devised stories in my heads, some continued for months and they helped me get excited for bed, sometimes even helping me get to sleep faster than the usual time. This method worked for the longest time, but after I moved I stopped these nightly bed time stories, because I kept wishing I was living in them than in the real world. A dangerous thought process for anyone, so I tossed that aside and went back to staring at the ceiling.
    After I started Kung Fu I noticed that the nights I had training I fell asleep much faster than usual, so I took to doing light exercises before bed most nights. This allowed my body to feel physically tired and thus shut itself off faster. After more than a year of training I found this method eventually stopped working. Really, now it only works during the summer when I barely train at all. So again my sleep dilemma begins.
    This time I turn to meditation. Surprisingly it helps a lot, laying in bed and focusing on my breathing for a few minutes. This seems to help ease my mind into a going to sleep now state and keeping my body as still as possible means eventually I will get some rest. It's a bit of a process that's literally taken years to figure out and polish, scratch that it's still not 100% perfect yet, because I still take at least an hour to get to sleep, but because I can enter this strange meditative half sleep it means I'm getting some rest.
    Despite all of this I never thought I could have insomnia. I've heard about it and read and watched a couple of videos on the topic, but what I've gone through, go through, never seems to be exactly what insomniacs go through. It's something that I think about sometimes when I lay awake on those nights where nothing will help me fall asleep, I just have to wait till my body decides to shut itself off.
    These past two weeks that thought has been going through my head even more. Although, honestly the reason I'm having even more trouble sleeping now is because it's just that oh so wonderful time of the year again. The one that so many people love and that small fraction hate. Guess, which one I'm a part of. Doesn't help that I'm going to have to actually celebrate it this year. So many things are on my mind and I can't even cuddle with Aster, because he's even busier with school than I am. So many little things that my mind decides to stress about when it could just turn itself off and go to sleep.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Don't Remember My Name

          My arms burn, but that means little to me as their aching only means I have to keep them up. The opponent isn't easy. They're bigger than me, which isn't unusual since I am short, but they have a long reach which is always my worst nightmare. Still I keep my guard high, to try to block some hits from going in on my head. 

My shoulders burn, but it's just egging me on to get closer to get that shot in. Fuck it, I'll get hit, but that matters little when I can give back as good as I get. A suicidal strategy when one thinks about it. Get hit to leave the opponent open for a second just so you can return the favor. 

I care little about that though, because when I'm facing someone, anyone, the only thing that matters is the fight. The then, there and now. 

The world outside of this match is nothing it doesn't exist, only the pain, the heat, the sweaty brows and the aching lungs. 

Focus on not getting hurt. Focus on returning the favor. Focus on the fight. Forget about the monsters. Forget about your fears. Forget about the nighttime terrors. At this very moment none of that matters. It's just you and them, everything else is gone at this moment. 

My arms burn, my ribs ache, I feel a bit dizzy, but for once my resolve is steel. I crack a smile enjoying the adrenaline pumping through my veins, because this is one of the few moments when I feel alive. When I forget about the emptiness. When I ignore the fact that I feel like a stranger in my families home's. When I let everything go for that one moment to just focus on coming out of the fight. 

Focus on the pain. Focus on your strength. Focus on your breath. 

Focus, for nothing else matters right now.  

Fake smile?

    I'm so tired. My nights are always restless these days, well they have been for the past two months, but these last two weeks have been terrible. My work load isn't that bad. I'm managing everything, but I haven't really gotten to see Aster much recently. Those days where we spent Friday till Sunday together are gone. He has to many things to do just like me. Still those nights where we slept in the same bed, even though it was from three to ten, they were my saviors.
     Those were the only nights I could sleep peacefully and without worry. There was somebody there to remind me that reality is real and the darkness hasn't taken over. Now I can't even peer into the darkness in fear that I will see something, anything that my mind will decide to conjure. They never calm me. My sleep's so lackluster that it's starting to affect the way I think and act. Or maybe I'm just fucking tired of everything.
    Tired, sick of feeling this loneliness at night, jealous of my father cause he gets to see his girlfriend three times a week, tired of just going to school and being open yet no one wants to be friends. That last one is probably the worst.
    I've been going to school for a month and a half now. I'm over the moon that I'm studying something I'm actually interested in, really helps motivate me to work hard. I can't complain about my schedule, the professors are friendly and helpful, it's just I can't seem to find even ground with my 'year mates.' I will admit I wasn't particularly trying to get to know my assigned group mates at the beginning of the year, but I was really more interested in studying the material given to us so that I would have it a bit easier now.
    It probably doesn't help that the one guy who seems to be as big of an outsider as I am is perfectly fine with being alone. I'm slowly chipping into his hard shell, he seems more tolerant of me though than anything else. This all just frustrates me. I'm so tired of all the small talk, the fucking fake(?) smiles, the niceties and bull crap. I'm sick of all of this polite shit, so that maybe someone will like me as more than an acquaintance, someone will think hey this chick is weird, but I'm okay with that. Cause I'm not hiding myself, no fucking way. This is who I am, see something you don't like than FUCK OFF.
    Shit, seems this bothers me a lot more than I realized. Guess I just thought that after living here for six plus years and going through three different classes and two schools I would have something more than just acquaintances here. My dad always told me that the friends you make in college are the friends that carry you for the rest of your life.

What if I don't make any friends? 

What if I'm alone till the end?

Do I want that?

It'd be easier, but so empty.

I hate feeling empty.

 

Shimmer

    I'm here, again. The gray concrete walls and dampness are a dead give away as to where I am. It's been so long since I've been brought here, but for once I'm not going to run from this place. Why, because I no longer care. This time I slowly make my way forward ignoring the side doors and ladders, knowing they all lead to random places my mind has created. I just feel so lethargic, so many thoughts and fears have appeared from one event, one stupid mistake. Fool, come and get me snake, because I no longer care what happens to me.
    I don't know how long I've been walking for, but it seems like an eternity, you'd think that the monster would get me faster since I'm not running. Maybe it's decided to trap me here instead of killing me. Trapping me in my mind causing me to go insane on the outside. That could be interesting. Still why won't it come? Walking more I feel like I'm starting to leave, because I can see a light near the end of the tunnel and isn't that a surprise. My soul still has hope, there is little reason for it. It will only make everything hurt more once it's confirmed. I believe this yet I still continue towards the light, like the hypocrite I am.
    I don't get very far though, for something wraps around my wrist and pulls me into the sewer water. It's cold and freezes me to my bones almost instantly, this makes me take a breath, but all I get is water. Above me a spot the visage of a white snake starring above me, but I just can't tell what kind of stare it is. I don't care for I finally feel numb.

So this is what numbness feels like.

    It's cold all around me as I sink farther and farther into the sewers water. The icy depths seem to be pulling me along and I allow it, uncaring of what happens to me anymore. Goodbye, I think as I close my eyes and my consciousness slips away.
    'No!' Someone seems to shout and suddenly I'm pulled from the cool, icy embrace. I feel stinging all over my body when I leave the water and all I can think is did the snake save me? These thoughts are changed when I feel lips on mine and a fist pounding on my chest. What? I quickly sit up and cough out the water that  entered my lungs while contemplating who the hell is keeping me from the numbness.
    When I look, I end up staring in disbelief, it's him? What, but how? I don't understand. This seems to convey on my face for he answers my question with a single statement. 'Wake up, I want to see you.' With that he vanishes before my very eyes and I can feel the relief inside me, so that means?! Could it be?
    For the first time in a while I stand with a purpose and although it's tempting to jump back into the water I want to see him more. I've missed him so much. With these thoughts in mind I turn to see the creature that dragged me into the water. We lock eyes and I feel myself leaving this place.

Something lighter

    Can't sleep again. Woo hoo! Least it's Friday means I can sleep in tomorrow, too bad my body will wake up around eight or nine out of pure habit. 'Oh, I haven't been sleeping too well recently I should sleep a bit longer to charge up my battery more. Nahh.' Thanks natural rhythm or whatever the fuck that's called. Ugh, my english is getting terrible. Soon my little bro will be speaking better than me, makes me want to cry just a bit. Meh, at least I can always beat him up if he bugs me too much. Fear is still on my side.
    I swear one time my brother was taunting me, sizing me up, trying to get me irritated, it was super funny. Instead of rising to the bait though I just gave him a toothy grin and took a step forward. The kid screamed like a little girl and ran out of the room. I swear it was the funniest shit. My mom was in the room too and we laughed our asses off.
    I'll explain why this is so funny, see my brother was about 16 at the time. He'd hit his growth spurt early that year and was a good foot or two taller than me and weighed probably 50 pounds more than me as well. So seeing a huge ass kid running from his tiny older sister is fucking great. I swear I'm never going to let him live that one down. Black mail gold!
    On more recent terms I've mentioned that I've gotten accepted into uni and well so far it's awesome. My classes are interesting, my schedule allows me to wake up at eight everyday and still get to school on time, which really that was my biggest concern. All in all I don't mind going to school as much as I thought I did. The only reason I hated going to school was the early waking hours and coming home with a migraine, but one has been taken care of and the other one doesn't happen as often as it used to which is nice.
    Still I'm having trouble getting to know the people that I'm studying with. I will admit that I'm really not trying too hard on that front, but being able to have a casual conversation with them would be nice. Doesn't really happen though, honestly there are days where I speak more to my teachers than to the students around me. Today for example we had math exercises, which aren't bad really aside from the stress of having to go up to the blackboard, but other than that, no biggie. They teach us more than their lecture equivalent that's for sure. I'd probably fail the class without the exercises.
    Anyway our exercise group teacher happens to be the director of our building, not the whole campus just the sole math building on it. Still I was unaware of this for a while, because when he introduced himself he used a word that made no sense to me. It wasn't until I got home that my father explained to me what that word meant. When I understood it's significance well I got a bit nervous. When I went up to the blackboard that lesson I told the guy I had absolutely no idea what he wanted me to do. All I saw were symbols and letters and none of them made sense to me. Sigh, how I miss the days where math was just numbers.
    Still I sort of talked backed to him a bit and I might have not spoken to him using formal verbs and tenses and crap so I freaked out a tiny bit. But when the next lesson rolled around the teacher/director was his usual self and seemed to not hold any ill will towards me. The guy in general is really nice and friendly, willing to show my group everything and explain it correctly even though he knows none of us regularly attend the lectures for the subject. It's because of this I feel fairly relaxed around him and end up doing silly things.
    Today for example he told us our first test was coming up in about two weeks time and joked about how he couldn't wait to see our eyes bulge when we saw the test he was going to prepare. The room was silent as it usually is. I swear my group is afraid the teachers will bite them if they speak out of turn. Still in the silence I reply 'Well it's only fair you get a few minutes of entertainment since you're going to be sitting there and doing nothing for two hours.' My year-mates are silent, as usual, while my brain is screaming at me 'what did you just say!?' Luckily though, surprisingly too, my teacher laughs and continues joking by saying 'Darn, you figured me out. Ruining my fun. I was waiting to surprise you all.' Lessons than continued as normal, but still my behavior towards my teachers/professors surprises me.
    In school I was always the quiet one, sitting somewhere near the front and taking notes and being that good student. Now though, well I'm still that, but instead of staying constantly silent I speak out. Talk with my professors, answer questions when I can, interact with them like what normal people do or well used to do at least. I'm comparing myself to my year mates at the moment, more precisely the group I have all my exercises classes with. There are thirteen of us and well in general it's really quiet during lessons. They never talk with each other much, just the occasional whisper and when the teacher asks questions, answers from them are rare.
    It's something I'm not used to. My high school class was the trouble making one, always loud and obnoxious. While the few months I went to a different uni were similar. I ended up in a group with plenty of jokers so exercise lesson were lively. Here, suddenly everyones constantly quiet and it's just so new for me that it tilts me a bit off balance. It's probably why I banter and joke with the professors now, because there is no one else doing so, no one else cracking jokes or making class a tad more amusing.
    I should clarify now that I'm not some class clown that cracks a joke every chance they get, nor have I suddenly had a personality change. I guess I've just gotten to this point in my life where I don't care how others see me anymore. I'm comfortable in my own skin, this is me. It also helps that 90% of our prof's are between the age of 30 and 40 which is the age of most of my friends from Kung Fu. It's just a tad bit weird for me, though I'm mostly worried I'll accidentally forget myself one time and use the improper you thus maybe getting in trouble.
    For now though I guess I'll just be that strange enigma in class that jokes and banters with the professors, is in general friendly with everyone, but comes off as a bit too weird for my age group. Meh, a bit confusing but whatever~

Maybe Ill see you around.