Drifting

I'm going to be 22 in less than 24 hours.
I'm not really sure what to think about that honestly. Although I'm strange in the way that I already start thinking I'm older than I am by the middle of January. Not really sure why, but by than when people ask me my age I round up, because I'm closer to that age anyway. Some people call me weird for doing this, I guess I've just stopped viewing my birthday as something big that needs to be celebrated. That's something I've already talked about before, so I'm going to just skip over it.
It's weird I feel 22, when people ask me my age I tell them 22, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see a 22 year old looking back at me. I'd probably shave off at least 2 years, the only thing that gives me away is my random wisps of white hair. Annoying, but something I'll probably be glad about later in life. Although I'm at the half-way point and that's a comforting, yet also slightly sad thought.
Comforting because I'm that much closer to being done with all the bullshit, but it's sad because interesting things are happening/ going to happen. I've met a couple of good friends through school, even made a friendship that bloomed so quickly that it surprised me. Aster and I are on the verge of living together, Larkspurs got her own business. She's almost done with school and I wouldn't be surprised if she got married within the next three years. My brother finishes school this year as well and will be moving on to college, maybe even moving out of home. Things upon things are slowly happening.
I sort of feel like I'm sitting in place.
I watch way too much youtube. It's my tv instead of actual tv. Recently I've learned a lot of youtubers that I watch are around my age or started their youtube careers at the age I am now. It's amazing to me. Although I try not to compare myself to other, thinking of what they are doing now and what I am doing.
Because truth be told; I don't know what to do. I sort of feel as if I was floating in a lake while everybody passes me by on boats. Some I only catch a glimpse of while other hang out for a little while. I'm mostly on my own though, just slowly floating with the current, letting it take me wherever, cause I don't even know where to go.
I'm sort of okay, just drifting like this, while so many others speed on by. I know I'm not the only one just floating in the water, letting the current take them wherever. I know a few people similar to me in that they just kinda deal with life as it throws shit at them. I also know a few humans that use their time to there best abilities and are constantly on the move. To them I tip my hat and as much as I feel like you'll die with less regrets. I'm okay with just drifting along at a lazy pace. It probably helps that I know I'm not alone. Still I'm half way through, I wonder if my thinking will change when only a year will be left.

Where's your Confidence?

It's always so easy to imagine, it's when you actually have to do it that you falter.

You're mind conjures up images, scenes before you and you can't help but want. 

They're easy to do. 

Simple in nature and take only an ounce of courage. 

Not even that, all they take is just a little confidence in yourself. 

After all why can't you greet them with a fierce kiss? 

Is it really so difficult to be a little dominate and force their back to the wall?

You never start it after all, so why wouldn't they enjoy the change of pace?

You never do these things though, too afraid for some reason. 

It's a ludicrous thought really, they've been with you for so long.

They aren't going to leave just because you surprise them with
something new, something different, something potentially game changing. 

After all how many times have you wanted to share a soft kiss of affection?

Or maybe make a hug last just a few seconds longer,
even though you know you should let go?

How come you're never able to say THAT to them? 

Only able to reciprocate as if it were taboo for you to utter it first.

And these are just some of the beautiful innocence that you keep
locked away for your daydreaming mind.

What about the other thoughts?

The more lustful, passionate, bold ones?

They're there, you can't deny them, after they come to the surface
so easily on a lonely night. 

Distracting them by sitting in their lap while nibbling on their collarbone, before slowly kissing up their neck, kissing them passionately before slowly getting up and leaving the room. Hoping they take the bait you've dangled before them.

Waking them up, but for once not by tickling their sides,
but tickling something else with your tongue. 

The biggest one for you is starting it on your own. They always initiate it, it must be simple since they can do it so easily. 

Than why don't you?

What's holding you back?

 When the picture is crystal clear for you.

The both of you are talking, teasing each other or just cuddling. With ease you prop yourself up on your elbow and slowly start to kiss them,
before it gets more heated. 

You care for them, you long for them, they make you feel whole when you're together. So why is it so difficult to take that next step? You've been here before this isn't foreign territory for you, after all you had to decide
when you'd become intimate. 

They gave you that choice, you don't have to stop there. 

Show them that you want them, that this isn't something you give in to. 

This isn't done in reluctance or in the moment, because that isn't you.

You care.

For them.

For what's between the two of you.

For what you could become.

So don't hold yourself back.

It's not wrong, your thoughts are normal, maybe occasionally
controlled by hormones, but that's okay.

Take another step up.

You've already taken a couple, just look behind you if you can't remember. 

Holding hands, hugs, kisses, coitus. All of those steps are
behind you, even the big three words. 

So whats a couple more steps?

A Beautiful, Silly Dream

    'Holy shit, I can't believe this is happening.'
    'Pshee, you can't believe this is happening? What about me? I keep half expecting to be woken by my screaming mother.'
    'This is nice and all, but Bax is getting impatient, so would one of you open the damn door?'
    Bell looks toward me and I just shrug, might as well start this next great adventure. I pull the keys from my pockets and proceed to open the door to our new home. We don't even get a moment to appreciate the feeling filling all of us before Bax, the energetic doggo that he is, rushes into the new place.
    Aster just drops the leash and allows the dog to run around and smell the place, while the rest of us carry in the boxes and bags littered out in the hallway. This takes longer than necessary since Bax tries to help by walking in front of us while we carry our things into the small apartment.
    'Welcome to our new hell!' I say dropping one of the boxes near a bedroom door. 'Who do you think will be the first one to die?' I ask jokingly.
    'Bell of course,' Aster replies smoothly while keeping an eye on Bax.
    'Oy, this alfa male is not going to be murdered anytime soon. It will obviously be Nast, since she's the female of the group.'
    I can't help but snort at that statement, ya group. Our strange trio of four. Consisting of a pyromaniac, an energetic dog, a hermit and a masochist. This is just unbelievable.
    'So I call the left bedroom!' Bell says a second later, grabbing a box and rushing towards it. I look to Aster and he just shrugs, both of the bedrooms are pretty much exactly the same, so it makes little difference as to who gets what.
    I grab another box and head to the other room, most of our furniture was brought her the day before by a moving crew, which was sponsored by my father, surprisingly. Still the place is fairly bare, but that will probably change over the course of a few hours.
    We all set out to unpack our things, Aster plays some music from his laptop and it's strangely calm. Normal, almost. It takes most of the day, but soon we're unpacked, mostly anyways and trying to figure out what to eat.
    'Can we just order a pizza for today and go shopping for food tomorrow?' Bell suggests.
    'That sounds like a good idea,' replies Aster. I nod in agreement and we order a pizza for dinner. The evening passes and seemingly in the blink of an eye weeks pass by.
    It's weird living without your parents, even stranger living with friends, that seem to easily become your new family. We've know each other since high school, but you don't really get close until you're in close quarters with each other for extended periods of time.
    It hasn't been easy, silly arguments pop up on the daily, fighting with each others laziness, bitching about stupid things, but there has been a surprising amount of growth. Taking on each others responsibilities, being the bigger person, helping each other without getting asked. Despite all of the hitches there are also many enjoyable memories.

It's a strange thing, to wake up with a smile on my face.

Maybe even a new dream as well, even if it's a silly little thing. 

One of my lowest low's

    It was August.
    I had been job searching for over a month by then with no responses. I'd gone to so many different places, handed in my CV, made some small talk, just tried to make a good first impression. They never got back to me. I don't remember how many times I heard, we'll contact you in about a week. Ya, you never did, not a single one.
    After a month of job searching I sort of gave up. I stopped going in person and would occasionally send in my CV to places, but I never really expected them to respond. It's an awefull feeling putting yourself out there, trying to show the world that you can somehow contribute to society only for everyone to knock you down, by completely ignoring your existence.
    During this time I had some really negative tension with my dad right after my brother left. Which is another post entirely that probably already exists, but to sum up my emotional state at this time was pretty shitty. I just felt so worthless. Just a waste of space, someone more deserving should be here and not me. Still I kept going forward, just another month and a half and school would start up again.
Something, anything to keep me occupied.
    It was a suppose to be a simple day, hang out with friends by going to a trampoline park before going for a couple of beers. Easy, a perfect distraction from all of the chaos going on inside my head. If only that were the case. We all arive at  the place, prepped and ready to go. I'm actually excited, because I really like trampolines. So we get inside and I split from the group. I need to just relax and enjoy the bouncy goodness before me on my own for a little while.

    My joy lasted for a total of ten whole minute, before twisting my ankle.

    I was trying to avoid a little kid, because I didn't want to run into her. Well I avoided her then landed right on my ankle. It swelled up a bit, a guy came over and helped me out. I'm not sure if it was dumb luck or fate, but somehow my friends were on the other side of the room and didn't notice my accident. So I did what any normal person did when they got hurt.
    Quietly leave the scene of the crime without telling anyone. Well after I got changed and left the building I texted Aster that something came up and I had to go. Which counts. I called my dad after trying to hobble my way to the main street and realizing that I couldn't get home on my own without feeling immense pain in every step I took. He didn't answer, which caused me to tear up but for some reason I decided to hold back the tears and try to get home. He called back a few minutes later saying he couldn't talk cause he was at the movies and that the movie would be over in an hour. For some reason I just said ok than hung up.
    The flood gates opened by this point. I was walking through a main street trying to get home, ignoring the throbbing pain in my foot while crying my eyes out. The tears were free flowing and at one point I stopped in a parking lot and sat down to rest my leg for a minute and just cried my eyes out for a good while. All the while putting myself down even more.
    "See look at how worthless you are. Can't find a job, can't jump on a fucking trampoline right. Now your even more useless than before. Just fucking kill yourself. Go find a nice building that someone can push you off of. Oh, wait that's right you can't walk you worthless piece of shit. Just slit your wrists with some broken glass."
    I'm going to be honest. If I had the capacity to walk that day, without feeling as much pain as I was, than I would have jumped off a building. Fuck the end date to force me to live, fuck school, my loved ones. In that very moment if someone came up to me and pointed a gun at my head I would have been happy.
    I eventually got up though, mostly because it was getting dark, I was getting cold and I knew no one would help me. All of this was my fault. I could have gotten help from Aster, from my dad, but I didn't. For some reason I just wanted to suffer in silence. No one knows that I broke down in that parking lot, everyone who saw me at home just thinks I sluggishly made my way back. Aster immediately came over as soon as he found out what happened, than berated me for my stupidity, along with my father. A month later I found a job, but it really didn't help give my life purpose. It seemed to just remind me even more that my life has no fucking purpose and I can't seem to make one for myself.

Blood, Sweat and Tears

I don't know how I got here.

 Nor do I know why, but it's eerie.

As if I was dropped down into the middle of nowhere.

 Looking around I see fresh snow everywhere, with even more slowly falling from the overcast sky. There are large bare bone tree growing in even rows on both of my sides, covered in snow. They look other worldly, 

unable to see the gray bark underneath.

I stand, because for some reason I awake sitting in the snow, with no footprints leading to my spot. Makes me wonder how I got here.

What brought me here? 

Still I stand, slowly as it seems my feet have fallen asleep, as they suddenly prickle like light bee stings. I'm not cold though, which is strange, because it seems all I'm wearing is a long gray tunic, black leggings and a sea blue scarf. 

I wrap the scarf around me a bit more tightly, 

before slowly taking my first step forward. 

Is it forward? 

Or am I going backwards?

 It's impossible to tell which way is which here. Both my front and back look the same, snow here and there with trees on either side. Looking at it for too long makes me feel uneasy, so I continue moving forward in what I think is forward. 

After having walked for what could easily have been ten minutes or even an hour I find myself coming across some crumpled snow. It looks like someone was huddled here, before seemingly standing and going there marry way, but there are no footprints leading to here, except

 my own, nor are there any leaving. 

What?

I look around me trying to see if there's anything in the vicinity,

 but there's only snow, pure white untouched snow.

Wait, where did my footprints go?

Gone, they couldn't have been covered by the snow, it's not falling fast enough. 

Wait, did I come from here? 

Could I have just gone in a circle?

I turn around and start walking in the opposite direction and after an even shorter amount of time I find myself coming across the same crumpled snow. 

How could I possibly be going in circles when this is a flat plane? 

Panic bubbles within me and I run past the spot, 

but that makes little difference as I come across it again, 

and again and again. I finally stop running,

 out of breath and starting to panic. 

How do I get out of this winter maze when there only seems

 to be one path and it leads to nowhere?

Suddenly there's pain in my lower left side and I look down to see what seems like a chunk of clear ice piercing through my side. Its gone in from the back and slide right out the front and it falls to the ground almost in slow motion.

A river of red rushes after it.

My knees buckle under me and I feel myself falling face first

 into the pure white snow. I breath shallowly on the ground. 

Who did this? 

Why did they do this?

 I look towards my wound, but all I see is a gushing sea of red and it hurts. The blood slowly soaks into the snow diluting and changing the scenery. Instead of everything dying off like me, it seems to give it's surroundings life.

The snow slowly ceases, seemingly starting to melt on the ground and off the trees. Bulbs seem to sprout from the ground and I can just barely see leaves starting to grow off the trees. Patches of grass

 seem to appear from under the snow, but before

 I see the whole picture my eyes fall 

back to my bleeding wound. 

The blood is being sucked into the dirt. 

So that's where that saying comes from.