An Honest Talk

    My father and I rarely have a 100% honest conversation. Why is that? Well it stems from the fact that there is always this invisible barrier that keeps us from being totally and completely honest with ourselves. It tends to mostly happen with just family for some reason. It's like everyone has that one Aunt that always says whats on her mind, she asks the most uncomfortable questions and no one likes her because of this, but they also won't admit that they themselves are curious as to the answer of these questions. Well I have an Aunt like that but my father and I avoid her like the plague, been a long while since I've seen her actually.
    The point of this post, get to the point human! This christmas eve the two of us went to my dads close friends house where we both drank plenty of alcohol. At one point the friends family goes into the living room to exchange some presents so we stay in a different room where my dad asks a question that he admits has been on his mind for a while.

Why am I with Aster? 

    For him it's a complete mystery especially when he compares him to Zin who he has gotten to somewhat know over the past few months. Saying that when Zin comes over he brings food sometimes, he gave me a christmas present even though he really didn't have to and in general seems to care more.
    That is how my father described it, he feels that Aster doesn't look like he cares enough about me and even asked if I'm sure that he really does have feelings for me. It's sort of understandable that my father is asking this, because when he fell in love with my mother he fell, hard.
    He told me how he slept with a picture of her that he looked at every night. How he would drive an hour long drive everyday just to eat lunch with her. The way he described their relationship in the beginning well, it was very intense. They were obviously both fueled by their emotions which is understandable, but it's also the complete opposite of Aster's and my relationship.
    We were really slow, mostly because of me being scared, but still there was distance and we took our time. There wasn't a need to rush and just looking back over how we've grown together it's obvious, in my opinion at least, that we both care for each other.

Whenever we don't see each other for longer than a week our hugs last just a second longer and are just a tad tighter.

 If we're meeting with friends for drinks and we're not meeting up earlier than them, than we take a minute to hang back from the group to have a few moments to ourselves. 

We consult on which days we should take off from work that way we can meet up at least once a week. 

Once a year I give Aster a hand written story that usually stars him and he never once has complained about getting such a gift. The genuine smile he tends to have when I insert inside jokes or routines can't be faked. 

    I've gotten comments that say we have habits that usually don't form until after more than a few years of dating, but somehow we've been doing them since year one. My mother, despite never having met Aster, claims we act like an old married couple. 
    I don't really know how to respond to such comments. We just do as we do, we enjoy being with each other but that doesn't mean we always have to be doing something together. So sometimes he'll play with his friends online and I'll be sitting next to him reading, drawing, watching and well thats enough. We've been hanging out and I've gotten calls from my mother and he's just hung out in the room either trying to listen or just spacing out while looking at stuff online.
     There are so many things that we do, but the one thing that we haven't done that seems to be the deciding factor for many is the honeymoon phase. I've only seen it once with Larkspur and her hubby, but it's not something that Aster and I have ever done. We never texted every single day, or hung out all the time 24/7. There has never been a time where we just couldn't keep our lips from touching or keep from talking about the other. Neither of us have shouted to the world that we have a better half, at least I know I haven't and I don't think Aster has. If I recall correctly a part of his family didn't believe that I existed because I was mentioned a few times in passing by Asters mother and not him himself.
    I feel as if I'm walking in circles trying to explain something that's unexplainable. There's a side of Aster only I get to see and there is a side of me that only Aster gets to see. It's something I think we both treasure because it only belongs to the other. How else are you suppose to notice the softening of the other persons eyes, the way the other leans in to your body heat, that goodbye hugs last longer than hello hugs? There are so many tiny, little things that give everything away, you'll always find the other if they are in the nearest vicinity, your eyes just tend to naturally gravitate towards them, when you're in an uncomfortable situation but they're in the room with you, you feel just a bit better, it's just enough to get you through.
    At this point I'm just running in circles, trying to explain the unexplainable. I keep mentioning these tiny random details, that I'm not sure if anyone even understands. I know if my father read this than he would be just as confused if not more so than in the beginning. Because honestly how the fuck am I suppose to explain my relationship with Aster?

Oh wait here's the beauty of it, I don't. 

    This thing that Aster and I have between us that has been growing and ever so slowly blooming, well this, it's ours and ours alone. It helps that our families accept it, but it's annoying when they ask why. After all I've been writing for over and hour and still feel like I could write and write.
    You haven't been what we've been through. Super cliché and all that bullshit, but really how else am I suppose to summon it up? There's no way I'll summarize the few arguments we've had, nope way too fucking personal. Nor shall I go in depth on the few times we've been completely vulnerable to the other. It's something I wish to keep to myself, plus I think Aster might just get pissed.
    All I know is that despite the fact that I was super scared and emotionally broken, Aster stayed. While he seems to look like a very composed, logical and sometimes cold, I found that he emits a warmth that cocoons me and makes me feel safe. We both care for each other, that much I know.
    How much we care for one another, well only the other can answer that and why bother bringing such a thing into words when really everything is said through the tiniest of gestures that only the other can see.