Sleepless

I can't sleep.

    It's been a while since I've laid in bed unable to fall asleep. Maybe it's because I've been staying up late with Aster, going out or just training. Going out for a drink means I'll be back around two and even then Aster usually stays over and keeps me up for at least another half hour. Training physically exhaust my body, so I just end up shutting down fairly quickly.
    Now though my body is neither tired from training nor am I with Aster, so for the first time in a long while I'm having difficulty falling asleep. My brain seems to have decided to go on a field day. So many things are going through my mind at the moment and I just can't decipher it all. The few things that come to the surface are met with annoyance, because I really just want to lose consciousness at the moment.
    My brother arrived literally two days ago. His flight was delayed and my dad had a mini freak out, which was ammusing for all of thirty seconds, before I told him to sit down and stop it. He wanted to rush to the airport, because he read my brothers arrival time which would have been very funny if I hadn't been in the middle of eating dinner at the time. We picked him up without any trouble though and since than the two of us have been by each other almost nonstop. I guess we're making up for all the lost time or just proving to ourselves that yes we are here together physically. This is not a dream. It's usually like that though we spend a crap ton of time together whenever we visit each other. There are breaking points where we need a couple of hours to ourselves but there are few of those.
    What else is on my mind at the moment? Hmm, might as well got the heavier thing off my chest. My matura exam results are going to be out in ten days. I was joyfully reminded of that today. At the time I played it off smoothly, but now when I'm alone and in the dark, well it's obvious that I'm worried. I feel that I wrote them well and a whole lot better than I did last year, but what if I didn't? What the hell do I do then? I don't know honestly. My 'father' will be disappointed in me, but really when is he not? There will be that awkward conversation with my mother and grandmother. God, I don't even know. In a perfect world Aster, Bell and I would all get accepted into that same damn college, we'd all some how miraculously finish computer programing and get a decent job after. This isn't a perfect world though, but it's fun to dream isn't it?
    I used to make up random little daydreams when I was bored or couldn't sleep. They started out with a made up character going on some adventure or making friends and just living a really fulfilling life in general. I eventually stopped thinking up these wonderful daydreams, because after a while they brought me more sadness than joy.
    Recently I've been thinking about Aster way too much. It's strange. We've been going out for almost a year now and yet these past few days I feel strange. I don't even know how to describe it, but when I think of him my heart feels a bit lighter and a small smile comes to my face. Earlier when I was laying in bed whenever I opened my eyes I felt disappointment when I didn't seem him within arms reach. I feel like a silly love sick teenager. Which is terrible, because I really don't want to become too clingy. That's the last thing I would want. Still that doesn't mean I don't feel like calling him and asking him how his day went just so I can hear his voice. It's just bizarre. These emotions are so foreign and strange and I really don't know what to do. Sigh, either way I'm going to Greece on monday and I won't be back for nine days. Not much, but still I'm already thinking of him and slightly missing him. Which really I have no right to. Larspur has been in a long distance relationship for over four years I think and she has it way worse. I will never be able to complain to her about such a silly little thing, guess that's another thing to add to the list. Guess I'll just have to settle for closing my eyes and picturing him next to me, hearing his voice, seeing his chameleon eyes. It's not like this is the end.
    Even though the sad part is I'm never able to picture this being my first and last relationship. As much as I would love it to be. I'm a child of divorced parents. There is literally an ocean between them. They couldn't be further apart unless one of them decided to go into outer space. This means I've come to the sad conclusion that relationships don't last forever no matter how much I whish they would. Happily ever after doesn't exist. And marriage is bullshite. It's just a piece of paper that makes your life more difficult when one or both of the parties get bored of each other.
    That doesn't mean I can't picture the two of us being together for a long time. Getting through college together, moving in with each other, getting our first major jobs, learning to love each other both completely and whole. What other people would view as imperfection and scars we would see as just another mark that created who we are.
    God this has me turning into such a romantic. I guess since I'm alone and unable to sleep I'll allow it, just this once. The rest will be reserved for those fucked up stories I write every once in a while. I'm still not sleepy though and as much as I love writing I really would like to go to sleep. Still I'm in that state where I say/ write the first thing that pops into my head. Usually my brain filter has holes, but when I'm sleepy then it disappears completely. I swear Aster enjoys keeping me up just so he can hear me speak random nonsene when he asks me questions. That or it's because he can get my honest opinion about something, because I'm completely open when I'm really sleepy. Usually I'm worried about what I say, sometimes at least, but that worry goes away when I'm tired and it's just a free for all then. Funny part is I never seem to remember much in those sleep deprived states in the morning. Like I will remember that we talked and I will be aware that I said some very strange things, but I won't really remember what those things were. It's interesting to say the least.
    Anyway I think I've rambled on enough about random crap for now. I think I'll give it another go and see if I can fall asleep. Really hope so man, I enjoy sleep way too much. Kudos to anyone who got through all this bul crap. Honestly you deserve a cookie.

Maybe I'll see you around       

- - -

It's dark when I open my eyes. I'm not really surprised at this point. I've had this dream so many times, that it no longer summons the deep fear within me that it once did. Today though, all I feel is resignation. Nothings going to happen if I just stand in place though. I did that one time and I didn't leave until He woke me.
    So I start walking, there's no reason to run anymore, because it will always find me no matter how hard I try to escape. I rub at my chest as I feel a small painful jab near my heart, but it does little to soothe the pain. The sewers are such a strange place to be in. My left hand traces the smooth wall as I walk along the cold stone path. A stream flows on my other side, but it's calm and somewhat soothing in this strange darkened place.
    Eventually I seem to reach a dead end and I'm about to turn around and start making my way back when a door seems to materialize out of thin air. Why not? I grab the handle and seem to slip right through the pale wooden door.
    I always end up in the most random of places when I enter through these doors, but this time I enter a very familiar light green room. To my left is a similar door to the one I just entered, but I know this one leads to nowhere, so I take a few more steps forward, before my old room comes completely into my vision.
    This is so strange. A door has never led me to a familiar place before, yet granted before me is my childhood room. There are pin marks on the walls from where I hung posters and post cards, a small nook in the right hand corner and scratches on the floor from my bed posts. It's completely empty, void of everything that was mine. It's nostalgic standing here. I never thought I'd get to see it again, yet here I am.
    Still I was brought here for a reason wasn't I? Subconsciously my brain must be trying to tell me something? What could you possibly want to tell me though? I've accepted that my childhood is over. My regrets from when we moved have been erased, mostly. What am I missing?
    The creature is heard before it's seen, which isn't strange, but it sounds so much calmer and less rushed than usual. Even though I know it's in the room I can't help but jump out of my skin when I turn around and find it barely a foot away from me. The snake doesn't react to my fright at all and instead starts to wrap around my body. It seems to shrink in size as it does so, until it's only on my shoulders, staring me straight in the face.
    It bumps its face into my nose and seems to glare at me with it's bright eyes. What are you trying to tell me? Don't you know I'm stupid and clueless? It flicks it's tongue out at me, thoroughly annoyed. You can be annoyed, but I still don't know why I'm here. What do my troubles from my childhood have to do with what I'm going through now? The snake seems to sigh and just wrap itself tighter around my neck. It could be trying to comfort me, that or it's making fun of my clueless-ness. I doubt it's the latter though, because my problem is it's problem.
    I feel terrible right now. I say aloud speaking to it, speaking to another part of myself. I feel like such a terrible person, because it hurts whenever we try to do it. And I feel like the most biggest terrible, shitiest person in the world. He's been trying so hard. We've gotten better at it. It's not as frantic or needy. I don't feel scared when we go into that territory anymore, but then we try and it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and I fucking hate it. I hate it so fucking much, but you know what's worse? I hate myself even more, cause at that moment I feel like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. You know I'm such a terrible piece of shit I'm not even good enough for fertilizer. That type of shit.
    To top it off, he's understanding about it. He's okay with it. Tries to come up with different solutions so that it won't hurt. I know I should be grateful that he's understanding, but it just makes me feel worse, because I'm letting him down in the most basic of way and I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix it or how to make it stop. I just want to make love with him. The kind where we both finish and are both high off dopamine and the good stuff. Where we just need to lay there for a second to ground ourselves.  
    The snake grows in size and starts to curl around me again, as if it was trying to protect me from everything, but it can't, because eventually I'll wake up. I'll wake up to his bare back and all these emotions, all these thoughts will hit me a hundred times harder. I curl in on myself and close my eyes, trying to calm myself from the hurricane of emotions, but it's difficult and I can still feel it banging on the door outside. Trying to get in.

    Still I close my eyes and try to sleep, because I know I won't be getting any shut eye for the next week.