A Letter Never to be Sent

Dear Father,
    I'm writing this letter, because you've done something that has upset me today. Usually I don't mind, after all I'm just your useless drop out of a daughter, but still it hurts just a little bit. When you think I don't care about you anymore. When you think you can't count on me, because I will be there for you in your greatest time of need.
     I was there for you. I accepted you and said it was okay, that it's fine. That you don't have to feel guilty about it. That there is no reason to feel such emotions. It didn't work out between you and my mother. That's understandable. It doesn't work out for everyone.
    So that night when you came to me and asked for my permission to see other woman I felt touched, yet found it silly that you felt the need to ask me. You explained and we talked for over an hour, but really there was no reason for all the talking and the explaining or the guilt. You hadn't been with my mother for over two years. She lives on a completely different continent, you honestly can't get any closer to divorce than besides an actual divorce.
    You started going on dates. I never meet any of them, but you talked about the ones you liked until after a while you only had one that you kept talking about. Her name was Ania and she seemed like a really nice lady. After two months of dating I finally meet her and she left a really positive impression on me. She still does to this day.
    Honestly, I was so glad you were getting out of the house more. You seemed happier and it made me smile. Seeing the obvious joy and delight when you were going to meet up with Ania. Or that one time she surprised you by randomly coming over, because she had nothing to do at home and honestly neither did you. Watching reruns of old movies doesn't count. Especially if you've seen it more than five times.
    The two of you have been going out for almost a year now, I think. It has been great for you. You've been leaving the house more and you've been a bit more energetic. I don't see you in front of the television as much as I used to and that really makes me happy. That my father has gotten out of his stump. That he no longer feels guilty for living.
    Recently though I've noticed a few things that sort of sadden me. I guess it's because you've moved on while I'm sort of drifting out in the ocean alone. I have a few lifelines that keep me from sinking, but don't worry you're not one of them, because I have long since learned my lesson. I can't really count on you for everything anymore. I'm an adult now, but at the same time I'm still a child. Living by your rules, under your roof and in general under your command.
    I just recently started to notice these small changes. The biggest clue in was when Ania and I came to pick you up at the airport. You had the biggest smile on your face when you saw her. The both of you pretty much ran into each others arms. You almost immediately started talking to her and it took you a second to realize that I was there too and you promptly gave me a hug. Still you focused on Ania and constantly chatted with her while we were driving back.
    A similar situation happened when I came to pick you up from the train station. As soon as you left the train you called up Ania and even after you saw me you continued talking with her. It wasn't until after you hung up that you really saw me and said hello. I asked you about your trip, but you gave sparse details. Your mind was already focused on someone else.
    I didn't really mind these situations. In fact I was amused. Really, I am so happy for you and the fact that you're living again. But I guess I was also a bit sad, that I wasn't part of the center of your universe anymore. Ania is your world and I'm just a comet that you notice every once in a while. Sad to say, but I have gotten used to living on the side line, in the shadows and all that.
    Today though you said something that really hurt me. You asked me to drive you and Ania next friday to the docks. I apologized and said I couldn't because I was taking part in a charity event and there was no way I could drive you. I apologized to you whole heartedly, because I felt bed that I couldn't help you out, but I told you about this event over a month ago and there's nothing I could do. You knew in advanced, but like usual you forgot. If I was meeting up with friends that day I would cancel or reschedule with them, but there is honestly nothing I can do to help you. I'm sorry you'll have to ask someone else to drive you. Worse case scenario you'll have to get a taxi.
    You didn't accept my apology, just sort of dropped the subject and then went on trying to guilt trip me into driving you. I than have to explain again with more detail that there was nothing I could do and that I really was sorry. Again reminding you that I told you about this weeks ago. Finally you give up, but before completely dropping the subject you say one line that both saddens me and pisses me off.
    "I guess I just can't count on you anymore." You fucking asshole. Really? I can't do this one thing for you and you make it seem like the biggest thing in the world? Even after I already explained it to you twice that I couldn't go. That I was sorry. Really? The fact that you can't see your own actions saddens me dear father. The fact that my mother was right about something and I finally see it as well makes me want to cry.
    Did you know that we've drifted in this past year? Have you noticed that you've stopped talking to me about work or in general about your day. Sure, you'll give me a vague answer, but now you keep all the interesting things for Ania. You seem surprised when I don't know something, seeming to think you've already informed me that the guests that were suppose to come this weekend aren't coming. You told Ania, so you've told everyone important.
    I know I probably sound bitter, probably because I am, but honestly I don't quite know what to do. You expect things from me, but you seemed to have stopped caring about me. When was the last time we went out and spent time together? You used to pester me about that every weekend, but you haven't done it in months. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing in particular, but now I find it difficult to keep a conversation with you that lasts longer than twenty minutes.
    We've drifted I guess. I've let you down. I'm not following the path you created for me. I'm not a genius. I'm not as smart as my cousins. There really is very little reason to be proud of a daughter like me. Still did you have to stop caring? I really only had you left, now though I'm left to my own devices. If it wasn't for Aster I probably would have done something stupid a long time ago.
    You were never a perfect father, but you tried and you always cared. Now though it seems you're done playing that role. You've gotten bored of the part and decided to take on something else. Until Eryk arrives, then we shall see what you decide to do.
    So I guess this is my goodbye letter to you. I have to admit that you fell out of the center of my world a while ago, but you were still nearby and I still cared for you deeply. Now though I guess you're just going to be there, because I still see you on a daily basis.
    Know that you are still my father and I will help you when you need it, because I help people when I can. It's just what I do. I will remember the time we spent together. Those two years we had licking each others wounds and just trying to get by, trying to recover from the red shit storm that happened. I will remember them, just like I will remember you as the wonderful and kind hearted father that you were. I guess love really does change a person.

Goodbye Tata. I will miss you.

Z.M.K   

 

Voicing things

There are so many things that I want to tell you. 

Yet I'm never able to voice them aloud.

There are so many things I want to ask you.

Yet I'm afraid of your answer.

So here I'll try to voice them,

but only because here you'll never read them.

Did you know I find you breath taking, especially in the spring sun. 

Why is it that you keep coming back?

I love your chameleon eyes.

What do you see that I can not?

Your loyalty to your friends is inspiring.

I don't understand, how are you still here?

I know that you have just as many questions as I.

Yet you aren't afraid to voice yours.

I tend to avoid them, for there are some things I'm not yet ready to say.

You accept my silence, you never push.

I will forever be grateful for that, 

but know some of your questions will eventually be answered.

Why do I wear a black glove?

I'm afraid that reply will be cryptic.

What keeps me awake at night?

So many thoughts

Why Aster and what does it mean?

Well I've been ready to tell you that for a while, 

but I can't help but keep it cryptic longer.

One day you will know.

That I've been saying it to you out loud for a while now,

Yet you never noticed.

That Aster means...

Well I'm afraid I don't want to tell you just yet. 

Sitting

    Are you ever afraid of certain time of day? Or maybe you just have one of those random days where you can't help, but feel detached from everything? You know those day's where you can just sit down and stare into space for hours on end? I have those sometimes. It can happen twice a week or once a month depending on my emotional stability. It is fairly random, but whenever it does happen I'm perfectly fine with just laying/ sitting and staring off into space. When it happens on a weekend then I just play a youtube playlist and sit at my window with a cuppa in my hand and just watch. At first I'm taking sips from my cup of tea and observing the world outside my window. 

    The neighbors new young cat is trying and failing miserably at hunting. The tiny brown birds are just too quick for him. After a while he gives up and just seems to stare at them in longing. The birds are fun to watch, but they never seem to be able to relax when your observing them. At least the older ones can't. I guess they just know when they are being observed, it's a safety mechanism inside them that helps them survive. Only birds of prey seem to be indifferent to your gaze. 

    Eventually my eyes stop seeing the world around me and I get lost inside my mind. Since it's daytime it's easier to stay out of the darker parts of my thoughts. The monsters that keep me up at night, but that isn't always the case. Today though I just lose myself to my random little made up stories. I allow myself to fully emerge into them, forgetting for a while that that is not my life. Usually I keep myself from doing this, it's hard to leave a created world like that, but when I'm in this type of state of mind it's a lot easier to just not care. 

    So I enter. 

    I'm walking in my neighborhoods small square, right next to the children's park. With a small bag of groceries in one hand, humming a small tune. The weather is very calm and it's quite warm, so I'm only wearing jeans and a t-shirt with sneakers. I stop though when I hear my name being yelled, well it's actually my nickname- "Zoey!" I turn to the noise curiosity peaked, because there is a very few number of people that call me that and none of them live in the area. Turning I see my parkour trainer Czapla running after his son in the kiddy park. Perplexed I walk up to the fence that surrounds the play place and give a wave. The young father catches his son and walk up to me with a smile. 

    "Hey Zoey, what are you doing here?"

    I only raise my eyebrow in question, "I should be the one asking you that since I live in the area and last I checked you lived farther west." 

    He only rolls his eyes, used to my blunt like way of speaking and sass/ sarcasm all rolled into one. We rarely ever spoke one and one and when we did I wasn't exactly the nicest person on the planet. "Well, I just recently bought an apartment in the area. It was starting to become annoying getting to and fro from the arena."

    "You still lasted pretty long," I replied with that I gave a small smile, "anyway welcome to the neighborhood." And made my way back home. 

    That situation was the beginning of a strange friendship, because a few days later I get a call from a frustrated Czapla. "Hello?" I answer my phone highly confused as to why my trainer is calling me on a thursday.

    "Hey Zoey, you wouldn't happen to be home at the moment would you?" 

    "I am," I reply still confused and wondering what exactly Czapla wants from me. The only time he ever used my number was when he was looking for someone to hand out leaflets for the club, but he sounded a bit to frustrated for it to be about flyers. 

    He seemed to let out a giant sigh when I replied, "Could you do me a huge favor?" 

    "Depends," I answer still wondering what is going on.

    "I have to go to the arena to teach and I have Damian with me, but I can't bring him to the arena as well, because there is a birthday party going on there today. So there isn't anyone that can watch him and I can't call and ask Annie to get him, cause she's out of town and..." 

    He seemed to be on a tirade and I cut him off, before the young adult got even more unnecessarily stressed. "You need me to babysit him for a couple of hours?" 

    "Yes, could you please?" his voice is filled with hope and as much as small kids sort of scare me, Damian was a toddler, so he wasn't as scary. Besides Czapla sounded like he really needed the help. I sighed answered positively and Czapla seemed over joyed. "I'll send you my address. How fast can you get here?"

    "I'll be there in ten minutes. Write out a list of things that I need to know about caring for Damian while you wait." With that I hung up and let out a resigned sigh, why did I agree? Oh ya, that's right it's cause I like to help people. So I packed a small bag of things and made my way to my trainers house. He lived on a side street not too far from my family home and it only took about three minutes to get there. I typed in the number to his place -12- and he immediately buzzed me up. Swiftly making my way to the third floor I found the door to apartment 12 wide open so decided to just walk in. 

    There I was greeted with Czapla trying to calm his son. The kid wasn't crying, but he seemed to be fussing over something. I coughed lightly unsure of what to do, but as soon as Czapla saw me he brighten, "Oh thank god you're here. I walked over to me and handed me a list of things. Everything you need to know is written down there." He gave me a quick tour of his place, pointing out the bathroom, kitchen and his bedroom. Finally he handed me Damian, who looked up at me in confusion. "Damian this is Zoey," He patted my head to emphasize his point, "She's going to be watching you while I go to work. I will be back around 22:30, so be good till then ok." The kid seemed to nod as if in understanding and started to grab at my hair. 

    "Great," Czapla seemed to smile at his gesture, "that mean's he's comfortable with you." He pat both of our heads again, making sure to make my hair extra messy, before saying goodbye and rushing out the door. 

    The both of us just stared at the now locked door then looked at the other, "So now what do we do?" I ask, of course the tyke doesn't answer, but he giggles, which is a good sign in my book. I put him down and he wobbles his way to the main room where his toys are. He seems to get comfortable on his blanket and starts playing with a dinosaur and car. Seeing that he's occupied I take a look at the list Czapla wrote. It just had a few major pointers, what time he eats, what he eats, when he should go to bed. That he wasn't allowed to use the computer for more then two hours and never alone. Well, it's already 19, so he's been feed and I just need to watch him and get him to sleep around 21. 

    Seeing that Damian was still occupied I pulled out a few math books and started studying. Ugh, so much math. Why did I go to college again, oh ya cause I want a job that doesn't involve me standing behind a counter. I admit I got sort of lost myself in my homework and never noticed Damian getting bored and leaving the room. I didn't notice until I heard a crash, which caused me to jump and run towards the noise as soon as I realized the toddler was gone. 

    I ran into the kitchen, only to find Damian inside the fridge. The door was leaning open against the cupboards and there were food products on the floor. Damian was nestled inside the fridge laying on the bottom self. I couldn't help it I laughed at the little tyke. "What are you doing kid?" I asked him giggling and kneeling down in front of the fridge. The toddler just looked at me and gurgled, laughing with me. "Well why don't you get out of there and we'll change you into pj's, maybe do something before bed?" 

    Amazingly he seemed to understand me, because he scooted towards me and I grabbed for him. Picking him up and starting to swing him around, he let out a laugh, before I put him down and started hiding away all the food that was on the floor. Luckily he hadn't made that much of a mess, but I was surprised that he stayed and tried to help me. 

    "Alright, the mess has been cleaned, so your daddy won't get mad. Let's get you into some sleepwear," with that we went to Czapla's room where Damian had his bag of things. It was a bit of a struggle to get the little guy into clothes, since he seemed to find great amusement in making me struggle. I of course got back at him, by tickling his stomach. 

    Time passed quickly after that with me trying and failing to get Damian into bed, eventually I gave in and let him color next to me while i did more homework. He fell asleep in that time, so i brought him to his cot and laid him to bed. He slept soundly and before I knew it I heard Czapla making his way inside. I packed me stuff, before meeting him in the hall. As soon as he came in he went to check on Damian, so I had time to put on my shoes and light coat. 

    "Hey," he finally spoke, "he wasn't any trouble was he?" 

    "Nope, he was really well behaved for a toddler. The only time he made a fuss was when I tried to get him to bed." 

    "Nothing unusual then," he smiled and I started to make my way out the door. "Thanks again for this."

    "No problem," I reply "If you ever need a sitter again I'll be glad to help, Damian's a pretty fun kid. Night." With that I left the apartment and headed back home ready to hit the sack. This would not be the last time I would babysit Damian.

    I blink a few times, before I start to take in the world around me, the real world. The cup in my hands helps center and ground me. I take a sip of the now cold tea and finally get off my window sill. My body is a bit stiff from sitting in a single position for so long, so I crack my back with a sigh and enjoy hearing all the pops. I look at the time and see that only half an hour has passed. It's still bright out and warm outside. Maybe I'll go for a bike ride. With my mind made up I leave the house and let that small random dream/story world slip through the cracks. 

Maybe I'll see you around?