Bath

You went in for comfort. 

Refuge. 

You just needed a moment to clear your head, toss out the thoughts that kept pulling you under.

You got it for a moment as you tossed your clothes, locked the door and started the water. 

You wanted it hot, steaming, blistering, gives you third degree burns hot. 

You sunk in. Exhaling in pain, but you push through and focus on that pain as it wipes everything clean. 

For one moment everything is silent and your mind wanders, to lazy summer days spent by pools, lakes and rivers. 

You would swim down trying to touch the bottom before rushing to the surface for air. 

You even managed to touch the bottom of a lake that one time, although your parents yelled at you terrified that something happened. 

You had to stop playing that game after that. 

Slowly you sink deeper into the water until its up to your eyes, nose just poking out. 

                                                    A final breath 

                                                                            and your under.

Your kicking your feet as quickly as you can, arms at your side as you squint hoping to see the surface, but it's too murky. 

You do a few strokes with your arms hoping you reach, but nothing connects, so you turn rushing to the surface as you feel your lungs starting to burn. Air bubbles flow to the side as you realize your swimming in the wrong direction and quickly change course. You think nothing of it as you swim harder, faster, but it just gets darker and more difficult to breath. 

It starts to feel like your swimming in place, while you're trying to keep yourself from breathing in water. Where's the surface? It shouldn't be this far away? Why can't I see the sky?

When finally you get a glimpse of blue as you redouble your efforts, ignoring the screaming of your empty lungs, the blackening of your vision, you keep swimming.

Your hand breaches the surface and you greedily take in air too quickly, your body starving for it, coughing and laughing because it's okay.

Your okay.

 It's ok.

When you feel something wrap around your ankle and pull you back under, farther then you were before. Where you can no longer see the surface again. Unsure of whether you can swim to the top once more.

Twitch

Their fingers twitch, ache and stumble across the keyboard. Struggling to get out a word of what has to be done. This has to be done. They think, while waking with the early morning sun. As they stumble out of bed, only to sit in an old, covered in dog-hair office chair. Monitors come to life around them and they stumble into the work they have to do. This has to be done. They think as they wake each morning, exhaustion long since settled in their bones. They used to think they couldn't function off of little sleep, now they know all it takes is an extra cup of caffeine or two. 

They take a moment to breathe, rest their eyes from the monitor lights, even with everything as dark as it can possibly be, it's still too bright. So they close them, let their mind wander and their fingers start to itch. They crave for something they cannot yet have, they wish for something that's at the bottom of the to do list. Still they ache and the mind wanders and thinks about everything but the black hole of stress and anxiety at the center of their universe. The only thing keeping it afloat is the countdown. At the same time, each day the number goes down, well the anxiety goes up tenfold.

In moments of weakness, when they can't take it anymore, they delve into the past. A past that never happened, a past where as they are right now they went back and had all the time in the world once again. It's just another dream, a dream that usually causes more pain once faced with the reality at hand. One where they wished they learned to do differently to fix their mistakes, while at the same time running from the mistakes they're making now. 

Still their fingers convulse and grasp at something they could create, a fantasy, a dream that they could look in on. Even if it's only for a little while. A way to let out all the regrets of time not spent, of decisions made safely and logically, of times where the consequences were much smaller than you believed. A place where you can hide away the child in your soul, while the adult chaperones. Not to make it safe, but to make it fun. 

 

Sighing Student

"Out of all of my students, you sigh the most."

After saying this the man pauses, but brushes that thought aside. They're just a stressed college student, it's probably nothing serious. So, they continue with their online lesson, screen sharing and talking over skype. The atmosphere is light with jokes regularly spoken by the student. 'Everything's ok. They wouldn't joke around this much if something was wrong.' The tutor thinks, as they say they're goodbyes. 

"See you next week!" They say, quickly leaving the call before more homework can be assigned to them. The man laughs and not for the first time wonders how old their student really is. He knows they're in college, but they also failed a few times, so they're older than the average third year college student, but by how much? Because sometimes his student acted like a high school-er and other times surprised the tutor with their bouts of seriousness and knowledge. Its strange having only a name and a voice. They could pass each other on the streets and never know. 

'I've got 15 minutes before my next lesson,' he thinks deciding to go to the kitchen to grab a quick dinner before he needs to continue lessons. The tutors day continues and he doesn't wrap up till 8 p.m. By then the phrase has left his mind and another week passes. 

*

**

*

"Hey, hows it going?" he starts with his usual question.

They let out a long sigh in response, "I'm alive. How bout you?"

He chuckles, "Not doing to bad myself. You don't sound good. You okay?"

"I'm okay, just a lot of things on my plate." There's a pause and some shuffling from their end. The tutor waits knowing that their student has a question that they need to think over. "Can I have some advice? That might not have anything to do with our lesson."

"I'll do my best, what's up?" 

It's answered by another sigh and what sounds like finger taping, they eventually build up the courage to ask their question. The tutor smiles slightly to himself, not many of his students ask for his advice, usually it's just help with their homework, but this one does every once in a while. It always makes him wonder what's going on in their life, but he doesn't ask not wanting to take up precious lesson time. Time is something that this student of his doesn't have a lot of.

 

It's Raining Somewhere

I wonder if something in me is broken?

Well there are a lot of things that are broken.

I can't always understand my emotions.

I take part in activities that are self-destructive.

I'm never confident in my relationship.

It doesn't feel like my partner loves me, even though they say they do. 

Yet, I still feel like this is just a comfortable arrangement for them. Every time I bring it up they say its not like that and they'll try to do things differently so that I don't feel that way, but it feels like nothing ever happens.

That's another thing broken about me; I'm too needy.

I just... ugh. I don't even really know how to explain my frustrations. We went on a date yesterday. I planned everything they were just along for the ride. Good for them because they hate making decisions, but the entire time it just felt like they were humoring me. We dressed up nicely for this and I tried to make it romantic, just to bring some life back into our relationship, but sigh. I feel like I failed. 

I feel like I'm constantly failing in this relationship. It feels like they aren't attracted to me anymore. They only do it with me just to keep up pretenses. They find me boring and not very stimulating to talk to.

It feels like I was the prototype relationship and now they need to find someone similar to me, but just smarter and better looking. Cause I feel like I'm just constantly disappointing them. And I know I should talk with them about it, but I've brought up the whole 'It doesn't feel like you love me' a few times and promises are made but are never kept.

Which just cements the facts that this is just a comfy arrangement.

So I wonder every time they come home if today will be the day they tell me, 'I've found someone else who makes me feel more love than I ever did for you. I'm leaving you for them.'

I know I can't just let these thoughts sit and simmer. I know I have to bring it up with them again, but I'm just tired of the 'ok, things will change,' but then they never do.

I keep wondering if I keep doing things for them that could make them happy, will they start to reciprocate, but its been months and honestly I don't even think they've noticed.

It might just be easier to go through the stages of grief and end this relationship. 

Better sooner rather than later, eh? 

Even that joke makes me want to cry.

I just feel like crying, but tears won't fall.

Still, it's raining somewhere.

 

Pool Cue

You hold the cue with elegance and confidence as you walk up to the table.

Your eyes focused on the table before you, deciding. 

It only takes a second, but you aim your cue, carefully line up your shot and lightly hit the cue ball.

To some it would seem like its not strong enough of a shot, but you smirk and your eyes light up as the intended ball falls into the pocket without even touching the tables edge. A clean shot, one that sparks joy, but it only lasts a second as once more your mind races looking at the table.

You choose your next target. Its a bit of a trickier shot, but you focus and nimbly line up the shot, concentrated on getting just the right angle. Another light tap and the cue ball just grazes your target, but it's enough and it falls with a hard thunk into a pocket. 

There's only one ball left and you smile lightly to yourself enjoying the game before you, the challenge this has created and the satisfaction it brings you. 

Your eyes harden as you prepare to line up your shot. You think about it for a moment, which angle would bring you to success before you nod, your decision made. Cue straight and steady, fingers poised, you make the hit.

In the end, the win doesn't matter to you.

As the entire time you play your eyes show the calculations running through your head and you wear a satisfied smirk on your face as you watch your opponent play.

Dead Flowers

The spark is gone. 

It's still warm, comfortable and inviting, but the spark is gone.

There's no giddiness, no butterflies, honestly there's barely time.

The love is still there, but the passion and romance has long since faded away.

It's inevitable with relationships and at some point this is when some people step away. Searching for a new spark, but I'm sitting at a damp fire pit with my flit and rock trying to get anything going. Trying to get any kind of spark to appear again.

It's cold.

I try to surprise them with chocolates, little love notes, make their favorite dinner and doing all the chores, so that they can have a free evening. They never notice though. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm shouting into a void. 

At those times I start to draw back, stop putting in effort and that's when I hear something on the other side. It's quiet, barely a whisper, but I hear it and think 'They must have noticed!'

My efforts start up once again and the cycle continues. 

I'm getting tired of this cycle. 

It makes me wonder if I'm putting too much effort into this relationship. Or are my expectations too high? Would it kill them to have a date night even once a month? To hug me once a day and maybe even a peck on the cheek?

I'm tired of this cycle.

So instead, I slip back into a toxic habit.

Reading about relationships that have passion, love and comfort. Close my eyes and imagine for the night that I was in that world. It's a habit I'll have to break again.

But for just one night, I want to love and feel loved.

Late

Its Late.

The mantra rings through me as I go about my day, waiting. 

Waiting and waiting.

Body tense. 

 

All I can think is, its Late. 

 

I can't focus on the work in front of me. 

Eyes looking at nothing in the distance.

My body in flight or fight mode.

But there's nowhere to flee.  

 

The threat is inside me.

 

Distractions are all I have left.

And waiting. 

There's no hope. 

If it's taken from me, I don't know if I'd survive. 

So I wait, wishing I could speak with someone.

But it's too soon. It's not that late.

 

The mouth speaks and now two are waiting. 

 

Waiting and waiting and waiting. 

Until something can be done. 

Plans have been made, but it's too soon to act.

 

So we wait.

 

One gives in and checks.

It's too early, but maybe it will help. 

Only a little.

It's still too early. 

 

And we wait.

 

Finally, finally hope slithers into us.

We relax a little.

Breaths come out easier.

But we still wait.

 

It's too soon to know.

So we wait.

Goodbye Lovely Boy, Sweet Dreams

It's Friday evening, March 17. 

American St. Patrick's Day.

Inside of a 'Happiness is Pets' puppy store is a family of three playing with a small black and white puppy. The mother with bright red hair is on the phone speaking with her husband, having a conversation they've had multiple times. She sighs and hands the phone over to her daughter and son who plead with their father, begging and promising the world over just so they could take home this small black puppy.Multiple minutes of begging and promises pass, promises that the father knows will not be kept, but he relents and finally agrees.

And the small puppy is quickly brought back to his new home.

That puppies name is now:

Oreo.

He lives a happy life with this family of four. The kids always play with him, sneeze with him whenever he sneezes. So Oreo learns that when he's happy he should sneeze, because it brings a smile on the kids face as they also sneeze back. There's a big yard to play in and sometimes they take him for walks, but Oreo doesn't mind too much. He's a sitting dog, jumping up on the back if the couch and observing the living area as his family bustles about. He is content.

One day the dad leaves, he doesn't know why, but every once in a while he comes back. The family is filled with joy and he jumps and barks demanding treats and pets. He may not always get treats but he is never lacking in pets.

Then one day the kids are gone too and it's just him and mom. It's quiet and lonely in this giant house now. Oreo mostly sleeps, wondering where his family has gone. If they left him, but one day he's taken by mom. They both travel somewhere, he remembers sleeping for a really long time and waking up alone, but mom quickly finds him as he barks his heart out. 

Soon he's barking from joy though as he see's his entire family. They're in a new home, but that doesn't matter to him because everyone is here.

Oreo likes this new home. There is a sensible garden, cats to bark at, new dogs to meet and best of all he is never alone. Grandmother is always home with him, either watching tv or working in the garden. She's a little clumsy and sometimes doesn't notice Oreo, but she's kind, feeding him tasty scraps and letting him out whenever he wants.

Life is good for Oreo he's happy and taken care off. Maybe he doesn't have as much energy as he used to, he's an old boy with more gray hairs than black. His favorite things to do now are sleep, eat and beg for treats. He always appreciates scratches though, wagging his stubby tail in appreciation. 

He wakes up one morning, feeling hungry for the first time in a couple days. Oreo gets some cheese from the father, gets pets from his favorite human - the brother and sits by the garden window, observing the street. It's a nice day, clear sky, not much of a chill and the sun is shinning bright.

It's a good time for a nice long nap. 

Camping Chair

It's got four, flexible metal legs.
It's made from a sturdy plastic material.

It's a bright purple with grey accents.

It is a compact, camping chair.

And it's something that's helping our relationship.

 

Aster had a new game to play and he wanted me to watch, so I brought out one of our camping chairs. They're pretty comfortable and don't take up much room, so I didn't have to put it away every night. The game was watched, time was shared and enjoyed, eventually the game ended, but the chair stayed.

 

When we weren't living together Aster would come over and spend the weekend, we'd sit on the couch together and just do our own thing. It's something I greatly missed when we moved in together, always seated on the opposite sides of the room. 

 

Now the chair has found a place. I seat it next to Aster and either watch him play something or do my own thing. Or sometimes he brings the chair out. And it feels like we're back in my room, teenagers just enjoying each others company.

I feel like I need those small moments more and more in my life.

Self-Inflicted Drought

I want to hug you, but I also don't.

I want your hug, your touch, your comfort

but I can't.

 

I can't touch you because I'm afraid.

I fear your touch.

It brings joy, happiness, love and comfort,

but with it, it also takes.

 

 When the touch is gone, so is the comfort.

When days span to weeks, my weakness grows,

so I crave your touch,

but I'm also afraid.

 

I can't ask for a hug because I don't know when the next one will be.

I can't hope for a kiss, because now is not the time.

 

So instead I crave your touch, hoping and dreading when it will happen again,

because then for one blissful moment, as your arms wrap around me and you give a content sigh.

 

I'm reminded that this is what I love, 

miss and crave.

 

You and your touch.

 

So instead I wait for you, trying to withstand this drought,

trying to ignore my wants.

 

Now is not the time.

 

Leave him alone.

 

He has more important things on his mind,

so I wait.

 

Withstanding a drought I could easily end, 

but for some reason refuse.

Instead I take comfort in one constant.

 Your shirt, in our bed.

 

The only thing that helps me suffer through my self-inflicted drought. 

Word Dump, Emotion Dump, Tear Dump

This week was probably one of the fucking hardest for me for the first time in a long while. I was stressed from Sunday to Sunday, my body was physically exhausted, I developed a fever during a pandemic which made my stress levels go even higher and my brother thought I forgot his birthday and there is nothing I can say to make him think otherwise. 

To sum up this week has been absolute shit. 

I was so excited for Friday evening, I'd finally get a break, relax with Aster, maybe drink a bit cause after all the shit I went through I just wanted to relax. Nope. The world went fuck you your shitty week is continuing. I hate this. Right now I almost hate you.

I come home, excited to see you and want to talk with you and hang out with you. What do I get? The fucking cold shoulder, because your angry at yourself that you messed up the rice. Thanks that made my mood instantly drop. Instead of slight joy all I felt was anger, sure you told me later why you did what you did but the damage was already done.

Now, well now I don't even want to tell you about my day. You didn't even ask so what would be the point in saying anything. We live together and this entire week I think you're completely unaware of what I went through. I really just wanted some support from you. You didn't care at all when I was sick, didn't even offer to take the dogs out for a long walk that day. You don't know about the fucking panic attack I had because another dog got loose and attacked Daisy and Bax. And all of Daisy's progress, all the work socializing her, went down the fucking drain. You don't know how my Boss made a complete and utter fool of himself in front of an important company, potentially losing us these clients; a group of people that I really enjoy teaching. You don't know about my nerves to present our idea for my final paper to pass college. You don't fucking know. 

Because I haven't told you a damn thing.

I never feel like I can talk to you about mundane things. I've been taught to not speak about my troubles because my families only reply is 'Too bad. Suck it up. You have to finish school.' I know I have to finish school. All I ask for is some support. I'm not asking you to do my assignments or a go to lectures for me. All I ask is that you give me a tight hug and whisper 'Do your best. Keep trying. I know you can do it.' 

It's not much is it?

Is it too much to ask? 

Then again I can't even accept hugs anymore. I've just gotten used to not getting them. I don't ask for them. I don't want to ask for a fucking hug. Oh hey partner dear, could you move your ass and give me a hug cause I'm in physical and emotional pain here? No, ya that's fine I'll just throw myself in front of this truck. That will make the pain go away.

I've had those thoughts recently. 

So I've been trying to stay away from busy streets. 

It'd be so easy to just trip, wouldn't it? 

Reading has been helping me a lot. When I read my mind is solely focused on the story in front of me. Everything else I'm thinking about just fades away. I wish I could write a story like that one day. I don't know if I'll ever write again. 

This was written to just get stuff off my chest. I'm so stressed right now balancing work and school. I know I'm not the first or last person to do this. I know of plenty of students who are in the same boat as me. My respect goes out to them, because I'm only one month in and I already want it all to be over. 

I can't think about Aster and my one sided relationship problems. Right now, unfortunately, that is not as important as finally finishing school. I need to be done with it. I'm tired of having the same conversation with him over and over. I begged him for more physical affection because I NEEDED it, it decreased so much that I feel like I'm forcing myself to have sex with him sometimes. FUCK, don't even get me started on the pregnancy scare I had recently. That was absolute shit. I wonder if maybe we're not cut out to be a pair. I still care for him and love him, but I feel like I'm doing so much work in this partnership, that it doesn't even feel like a partnership. 

I want to sleep but I know when I wake up more work waits for me. More things need to be done. I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm such a weak willed person.

Impulsive Decision

    Its a stupid and impulsive decisions and for a split second as I hurl myself into a deep ravine, I try to grab a branch to stop myself from falling. It slips through my fingers though and I'm left tumbling downwards for who knows how long. At one point I pass out as my head smacks into something rough while continuing my fall.

I'm such a fool.

    I think as I'm starring up at the darkening sky. Can't even choose a proper hole to kill myself in. Still I can't move and all I can do is think, the one thing I don't want to do right now. Trying to stand is futile, one of my legs is definitely broken and I can't move my left arm.

    The tears that roll down my eyes aren't from pain, instead they mock me and my stupidity. I just wanted my thoughts to stop, for everything to stop. Instead of going to someone, talking with them I unsuccessfully throw myself off a fucking cliff. Too hurt to get up and too lost to call for help. Fuck, Zin and Larkspur are going to kill me if I don't die from exposure first. And what about Az? Fuck, I'm leaving behind people that actually care for me, because the one I cared about most doesn't give a shit about me.

    The wail I let out when this thought surfaces is heartbreaking. Fuck, I'm a terrible human being. I'm going to die here for them?

No.

    I'm dying here because I thought I wouldn't be able to continue living without them. Now, now when it's too late I realize I lived without them before and I can live without them again. I have precious people that I care about, even if I am shit at showing it.

    My laughter bubbles up and I choke on tears, or no that's blood. Fuck can I bleed out faster? Am I even bleeding? Hopefully internally. I'm a stupid human being.

I don't deserve to live.

    Maybe I can reach my phone? I wiggle my one working arm and clench my teeth as pain shutters through my body barely pulling my phone out of my inner sweatshirt pocket. How it survived the fall I have no clue, but I can see five missed calls, three from Aster, fuck them right now, and two from my dad.

    Shit, how long have I been down here? Who should I call? What do I say? Do I just call an ambulance? But I don't even fucking know where I am! Maybe I'll just not call anyone. Let myself lie here as I try to convince myself that my attempted suicide wasn't a spur of the moment thing.

    My thoughts are broken up by the ringing of my phone. Without looking I shakily swipe my phone, please just don't let it be my boss. I'm not in a good head space to deal with him right now.

"Nast?"

    I hear the one voice I can't deal with right now and I close my eyes in rage as tears start to spill.

    "Ya," I choke out suddenly noticing how difficult it is to breathe.

    "Where are you?" They ask frustrated and worried, psh ya right they're worried.

    "No clue." I cough out, "Why need your maid to clean something for you?" I ask with venom in my voice. I'm still pissed at them.

    "What?! No, stop. I told you I care about you! Stop thinking that you're just my maid!"

    At these words my simmering rage bubbles to the surface and I'm unable to hold my tongue as it lashes out. "Oh really? You care about? That's really fucking hard to believe considering you're actions say something completely different."

    "What do you mean? Stop this, just come home and lets talk about this." At this I laugh and tears gather in the corner of my eyes, my laughter doesn't last for long though as I fall into a coughing fit which turns into groans of pain and sharp breaths.

    "Wait, Nast whats wrong?" The voice on the other side of the line panics and I can here them shuffling about.

    "Just a bit more broken than usual," I answer once I get my breath back, the pain is worse than it was before though.

    "Nast, please come home. Talk to me, tell me whats wrong."

    "Oh, are you actually going to listen to me? It's too fucking late Aster. I can't come home."

    "What do you mean you can't come home? Then I'll come get you. Where are you?" I hear them grabbing their car keys and I start to cry in earnest.

    "Even if you wanted to come get me you couldn't, because I have no clue where I am and I can't move. Just leave me alone Aster. We're over. You never cared about me to begin with."

    "Don't hang up. First of all I DO care about you and second what..." I cut him off before he finishes, unable to hold back the rant that's been brewing inside me.

    "Oh, you care about me do you? You keep saying you do, but your actions say otherwise. I was sick yesterday. Had a fever, was sweating, weak and everything. If you cared about me you would have offered to take the dogs for a long walk, not let me do it. You would have told me to get some rest before work and that you could handle everything because your job isn't as demanding as mine. No instead you let a sick person you 'care' about go and exhaust themselves even more. Not even trying to help lighten their load a little. And then when we were finally going to sit down and talk about vacation, something I've been super excited about for over a month you kept cracking jokes and making me feel like you're humoring a child. Then you ask me for details, details I have been telling you about since the beginning of the month all we really needed was a date. That was it and you claimed that I had nothing planned. And to top it all off. You promised we'd watch Fantastic Beasts together and I see you watching it the next day on the computer by yourself. So fuck you. You don't give a flying shit about me." I finish my rant, unsure of when black dots appeared in my vision. It's getting harder and harder to talk.

    The voice on the other end is quiet, so I continue ready to finish this call. I don't want to die with regrets. Even if I do regret dying this young. "As for whats wrong, right now I'm lying in a ditch, after a failed suicide attempt in the forest behind our home. No clue where I am though and I'm about to lose consciousness. Hey, think on the bright side at least you no longer have to deal with me and my bullshit. Find yourself someone who you actually care about Aster. Tell Zin he's amazing. Apologize to Larkspur for me and take care of Az, I don't want him to end up like me." I finally stop talking, feeling lighter and a bit better.

Now I can die.

    "Nasturtium! Don't you dare lose consciousness on me! Keep yelling at me!" I hear their voice breaking up on the other side.

    "Don't blame yourself," I lie as it becomes harder and harder to think. "This was my own fault."

    "No, stay awake! Nast!"

    I continue to hear them shout my name over the phone, but it starts to feel farther and farther away. When did the pain disappear? After all that shouting I think it's time to go to sleep.

Goodbye.

Talk and Change

I don't really write here anymore. Not because I don't need to, but because I don't want to. Things still plague my mind, never as bad as it once was, but they are still there. Instead of writing here though I let it build up until I end up writing a letter inside of an old notebook. I've written three of them in the past 6 months, only one was shared to the addresse the other two still gather dust in that innocent blue notebook lost among school notes and math calculations.

The main reason I don't write here is because I don't want to talk about relationship problems between Aster and I. I want to preserve the beauty of me falling in love with them on here and not the slow downfall of our relationship. When I read old blog posts I want to cry tears of joy, not bitter regret.

Although that isn't the main excuse. Why don't I write on here any more? Because I'm afraid that people will read these posts and think I'm in a toxic relationship and urge me to break up with Aster. Which isn't the case. Our relationship isn't toxic, but filled with miscommunications and misunderstandings. Some of them are the result of a culture and language barrier, others stem from neither of us being able to express ourselves or our emotions. And when I do get the courage to talk or say whats wrong things change for a day and then go back to normal.

Sometimes I feel like when I do talk it's not heard or understood.

While I feel like you don't talk enough.

I wish we could both just talk and listen and change together.

One Of My Favorite Weekends

Aster and I have been living together for almost a year now. We've had our ups and downs, and we're still figuring things out, but for the most part it's good. But this post is dedicated to a single weekend that happened a few months back.
So Aster has weekend school that happens ever other weekend. One weekend though he overslept a bit, decided to skip the first lecture since it wasn't that important and then show up for the rest of the classes. I was like that's okay to do every once in a while, so I decided to make breakfast a bit early so that he could eat something concrete before the rest of his lessons.
He hangs out with me in the kitchen, Bax of course is there as well wondering if we'll put anything in his bowl. We chat casually about everything and nothing until eventually Aster admits he doesn't really feel up to going to school at all today.
I look him over and can tell he's feeling drained. He's trying his best, but work and school seem to be tiring him out. With my mind made up I give him the push he needs to make his decision. "Well as long as you don't make this a habit and you have someone you can get notes from, then it should be ok."
He looks at me, a bit relieved but also feeling guilty, knowing his parents would be worried that he's going to drop out again if they find out he's skipping. But he'd been going dutifully to all of his classes so far and I found little reason to force him to go if he felt he needed a break.
So we eat breakfast together and Aster asks me what my plans were for the day. I told him I was going over to my dad's house with Bax to hang out with everyone since I hadn't been able to go during the week. I ask if he wants to tag along, expecting him to say 'no,' but surprisingly he agrees. So we head out around 10:30 to my dad's place.
That whole weekend ends up being we do everything I want to do. It was fun for me. Saturday we spent some time with my family than went for a long walk with Bax before I cooked up some dinner and had a chill evening. While Sunday Aster, my brother, Bax and I drove to a beach a bit farther out where Bax got to run free and really get rid of his energy.
That weekend felt very domestic and we still have those moments, but that's what they are moments. I wonder if I can get away with that kind of day on my birthday. Instead of a present you have to hang out with me all day! That'd be fun, for me at least. I don't think Aster would mind too much, but I also know he can be a lazy bum when it comes to certain things.
I know I've been quiet for a while. A lot of things have happened that I'll talk about in another post or two, but for now I wanted to start of with something light. Just to help me get back into the swing of writing, since it has been a solid two/three months since I've written anything at all. I know here it's been like four, but I write stuff that doesn't show up here! More positive stuff thank you very much.

I wish my thoughts would stop

    I wish my thoughts would stop, but they don't. Sometimes they take a small break, fall into the background for a little while, but they always come back, rearing their ugly head. I hate them. I wish they would go away, because they show off a terrible side of myself I wish wasn't there.
    I didn't have them until we started to live with each other, then a few months passed and now they pop up every time we go more than a week without having sex. Ya, warning for those not interested in a strangers sex life, go now or continue reading this, your choice.
    Since we both started school these thoughts pop up often, even though logically I know they aren't true and I shouldn't even think such things. They still appear, they fester in my brain until finally we do the deed and they disappear for a short time.
    I hate that this happens, it's making me sound like some kind of sex driven whore, but it's the truth and I can't just continue to ignore it. I enjoy sex with my partner, a lot. It makes me feel like we're one being for a short period of time, which sounds strange but that's just how it feels for me. Not to mention I'm a very touch driven person, something that I didn't really get after I moved. Hugs from family slowly became less frequent, eventually turning into occasional pats on the head or shoulder until finally touch became strange and foreign to me, something I no longer wanted from family, because it just reminded me of times long past.
    Then Aster came along and suddenly I was happy to get a hug again. When we leaned against each other or I put my arm around his waist it felt wonderful and I was reminded how much I missed platonic loving touches. Until finally I was introduced to more sexual touches which really blew my mind. Although my favorite thing is just hugging each other naked, it makes me feel like the most content being on the entire planet and for just one moment everything is OK.
    But we don't touch that much anymore, most of it has become something that only happens when we're having sex, which seems to happen less and less.
Which causes my dark spiraling thoughts of what if he's seeing someone else? Whether at work or maybe school, what if that's where he's getting his touches from now? Maybe he's no longer attracted to me? He's found some other cute boy or girl that he's spending his time with and just hasn't told me that he want's to break up.
    I HATE these thoughts. I KNOW Aster wouldn't do this. I trust that if he truly no longer felt anything towards me he would just break up with me instead of stringing me along like this. But my thoughts still go there, our lack of touch still causes this sadness to well up within me. It sounds so stupid, but I found out about the 5 languages of love; spending time together, gift giving, touch, doing things for each other and compliments/romantic gestures. And I took the quiz and had Aster take it too and surprise surprise Touch was practically equal with spending time together. I think Touch scored a 10 while spending time scored an 11. So they're practically interchangeable. While Aster scored an 11 on spending time, 9 on doing things for each other and then a 7 on touch. Some of the numbers may be off but the order is correct.
    It was good to find out that touch isn't at the very bottom for Aster otherwise I think we wouldn't work out, but he still complains or moves away when I try to touch him. I know most of the time it's a joke since he makes some kind of joking comment or has that 'I'm playing a trick on you' smile, but it hurts sometimes.
I just want to cuddle for a bit, but because I feel this way instead of just cuddling up to him in bed I stay I on my side, because I feel so cold that I don't want to be burnt.
    For the small percent wondering if I initiate sex. I try sometimes, but I'm so terrible at conveying that I want to do it through body language that I have to just outright ask for it sometimes. Another thing I don't enjoy doing because whenever I do ask I feel like a dog asking its master for a treat, who than sighs unzips his pants and goes okay, but only a quickie.
    I just wish I wasn't so touch driven. Then maybe I'd stop having these terrible thoughts and I'd just be happy with what I have. I'm just a whore, a stupid fucking whore.

I can't do it

I can't do it

I can't do it

 I can't do it 

I can't do it

I can't do it

I shouldn't be doing this

I shouldn't be doing this

This is not going to end well

What the fuck do I do with my life?

Do I have to start over again?

What if I don't want to? 

What if I can't?

I can't do this

I can't' do this

I can't' 'do this

I can't' 'd'o this

I can't' 'd'o' this

I can't' '  '  ' '

          ' '  '  '  ' '

Surprising Disappointment

    I'd never thought I'd be disappointed in a friend, especially not this friend. Sure I expected to occasionally be let down, but never disappointed. Our friend group has gotten into a bit of a fight, nothing so serious that no one is talking with each other, but more of a one person is angry with another and is willing to break off their friendship with them just like that.

    Maybe I'll try to be less vague. Friend B is angry with Aster because he's distanced himself a bit from our friend group. I was never super close with anyone, mostly just talked when we met up, but Aster would always hang out with them on discord and now he doesn't really do that. So a bit of a rift has opened up between him and the group, but it's not so large that it's impossible to jump.

    Saturday friend B blew up at Aster and me, saying we've been aloof and passive aggressive and they're sick of our bullshit. The two of us were genuinely confused, because we never meant to come off as passive aggressive nor were we trying to be mean in any way. Still we were at a party and after friend B shouted at us we quickly left.

     The subject sort of dropped from there, with friend A trying to figure out what was going on since they were left out of the conversation at the time, but is one of the core members of our group. Me and friend A talk over the next couple days and they say friend B is willing to talk with me first before talking to Aster.
So I go for this meeting and they're both kind of shitting on Aster a bit, although it's mostly friend B, because friend A has noticed a change in Aster, but figured he was just going through some stuff and they valued their friendship more than these little misunderstandings that were popping up. I talked with the both of them, and explained a few instances that they interpreted incorrectly, but I realized there was no point in me just sitting there protecting and explaining Asters behavior to them. So I told them, friend B just has to go and talk with Aster on their own, since it doesn't make much sense for me to be here since it turns out friend B really didn't have any gripe against me.

     Still finding out that a long time friend of yours is perfectly fine with just dropping our friendship instead of working this out, well it's disheartening to say the least. Something I never thought they would do, because we've all acknowledged how had it is to make friends with people when you don't go out often.

     Tomorrow Aster and friend B are suppose to talk it out. I'm not sure which way I want it to go. On the one hand I want all of us to stay friends, but on the other after hearing that they don't really value our friendship, well is there a point in being friends? Even if we do stay friends, I'll probably end up distancing myself from the group, because that thought will always be in the back of my mind.

 They don't care about us.

Can't chase the sadness away

You know it's bad when your avoiding this place.

You know it's even worse when you can't sleep at night

    Or when you do get sleep you still feel exhausted the next day. Your eyes are all puffy like you opened them in a chlorine filled pool, while your head filled itself with water. All you feel is numbness, nothing seems to chase the sadness away even when you really try.
    Which just makes everything worse, just makes you feel worse. I didn't think it was this bad, but then things started pilling up and I kept pushing them to the back of my mind. A few days later one drunken comment from Aster causes me to spiral downward.
    It was a late Saturday evening, we were hanging out with friends. The boys were drinking while I was snacking on some cookies in order to stay awake. We were in the middle of some shitty conversation when Aster turns to me and says 'And your just shoving sugar down your throat.' It wasn't meant to be a harmful comment in any way, more poking fun since we were all doing that to each other, but with everything I had on my mind for the past week, well it hit me differently.
    Instead of a joke, I heard and you're just a fat ass eating sugar. Follow this with the fact we hadn't been intimate with each other for almost two weeks and it felt like a stab in the heart.
    I was pretty subdued after that, we went to bed immediately after we got home. The next day I didn't have much of an appetite and was generally pretty quiet. Aster asked if everything was okay and I lied, telling him I just didn't get enough sleep. So I tried to be a bit more lively, make more jokes and comments like I usually do, but they were all half-hearted.
    That night I lay awake, unable to sleep at all. I tried snuggling with Aster, it usually chases the sadness away for a little while, but for the first time ever it just made the sadness worse. So I shyed away, turned my back and tried to fall asleep. It was in vain so after a while I got up to write in my journal, Aster followed shortly after and we talked for a little bit. About some of the things bothering me and what I could do about them. It didn't really work. I still felt like I wanted to cry, still do.
    Next day is just as depressing, except it's getting easier to pretend although I think Aster still feels like somethings off. That night sleep is still a struggle, but I refrain from getting up and roaming like I wish. Instead I lay awake until sleep takes me fitfully. I awake earlier than I'd like, after having slept less than 5 hours the night before I was hoping to get a full 8 on this one. Seems it was all in vein.
    So I finally sat down to write, even though I'm still tip toeing around the topic. Maybe it's just my hormones, making this bigger than it really is. Maybe I need to have sex with Aster once a week or else I start doubting if he's attracted to me. Maybe it's my usual summer blues that show up every single fucking year.
     Who fucking knows, all I know is that I'm so used to being sad that after trying to cheer myself up with a multitude of things and none of them working, well I'm fine with just staying this way for now. Cause you know how my self destructive nature works, once I'm sad I want everything around me to crumble.

Let me be alone with my sadness. 

Let me be alone. 

Let me die alone. 

Everything Would Disappear

If one day all of us just stopped talking to each other 

or

If one day all of us died

or 

if one day all of us mysteriously disappeared,

Well then there would be no physical evidence 

of us ever having been friends. 

Sure there are online chat groups, but those can easily be lost 

in the hundreds of millions of groups found online. 

Not to mention you'd have to go out of your way

 to find it. 

So if one day the worst came to pass 

and all of us just stopped, well who's to say we ever 

really were to begin with?

No photos to sadly look back on with a melancholic smile on our faces. 

No notes that brought back memories of simpler times. 

No silly group accessory that clearly stated this is us.  

It's not something the others care about, the thought

 of suddenly not being friends anymore, probably doesn't 

even cross their minds, but to someone like me 

it's a somewhat regular occurrence.

I don't have many pictures, always getting lost with the flow of life, 

always thinking there's still plenty of time.

What's the point in capturing such a mundane memory?

That's the thing though, once time has passed and slowed down, that's what we'll want to reach for; the mundane. What were we doing on those lazy Sunday afternoons? It was so long ago I can barely remember.

That's why after our groups third trip to the cabin at the lake I can't help but reminisce and be slightly saddened that once again I forgot to capture a moment. 

Whether it was when Aster and I held hands again for the first time since we started dating. Or Bax who fell off the pier and landed in the lake, soaked to the bone. The silly alcho-olyimpics we randomly thought up, but only ended up doing two out of the nine disciplines. 

Out of all the things we did that week, if I could only capture one moment, it'd be our bonfire on our final night. Where at one point everyone is droopy eyed and slowly falling asleep in the soft glow of the crackling flames, no one willing to call it a night, for that would officially mark the end. 

Maybe next time, although knowing me I'll get swept up all over again and will once again regret not freezing a single memory.

Harmony

    For a single moment it felt like I was in a different time. It only lasted for a second, flashed by so quickly that I almost didn't even catch it, but for that single moment I was not a she but a he and the beautiful soul before me, was a she not a he. Our moans connected as we were both dragged under, lost in a moment of time and space. Our bed-sheets were suddenly white not gray, the walls around us were just as dark if not darker and even though this was new, it felt as if we've done this hundreds of times before.
    For some reason I latched on to this feeling and memory. Maybe because it was foreign to me, maybe because it's something I've never experienced before, but despite the timing I remembered it and stored it away for a later time.
    That time ended up being the morning after. So thinking about this feeling, this strange almost nostalgic feeling. It brings thoughts to my mind that I feel embarrassed to write down, but I still will because that's what this place is.
    That split second of harmony between two worlds makes me wonder two things. Does reincarnation exist? And for that one moment did my soul remember a memory from another life? Or. Does the many world theory truly exist, and two of those worlds happened to sync up in that very moment, allowing for that exchange?
    Writing it down like this makes it seem so silly, but I still felt the need. It was so strange and so surreal that I just wanted to save it somewhere, that way if I forget it, maybe I'll remember it again.
    I find it funny that there's a chance me and Aster have been together before whether in another life, just gender swapped. That or there's another universe very similar to our own where we once again got together, but one of the differences is again gender.
    Just something silly I guess. Still it makes me feel warm inside for some reason. If we've gotten together before, maybe that means we make a beautiful disaster.

Only time will tell really.