It's not our fault

I used to think it was impossible to understand such a person.

That their lives would be so difficult that they would resort to such measures.

It was such a strange thought for me, my younger self, for how could someone stoop so low as to think such thoughts, consider such actions.

It just goes to show you how much of a green horn I once was, still probably am.

I found it difficult to understand such things, thinking if they had the proper outlook and just kept a positive attitude they'd be able to overcome it. 

I think differently now.

These days I'm aware of why people fall into such habits, why they think that it's their only option, why it's the only way they could get better.

Honestly, most people can't understand such thoughts, unless they themselves have had them or have helped a family member/ close friend deal with them. 

I use the word habit, because that is what it can become, that is how you fall back into it. 

Not only is it a habit, it's a reliance, a lifeline, something that helps you stay in control, gives you control of at least one thing. 

You're not helpless, you aren't weak, because you have control over that one thing, you and only you are in charge of it. 

Those thoughts are what keep you going, what keep you coming back, keep you from moving forward. 

That's normal. 

It's understandable.

It's a circle that sometimes never ends. 

At first you do it once, mostly because you need to do something. These things inside you, your stomache, your gut, worse your head they tell you something has to be done. 

So you do it, telling yourself just this one time and then never again. Of course that a lie, although you aren't aware of it at the time. 

This repeats a couple more times, until you now know there is no point in lying to yourself, because you've become dependent on this action. 

You're almost at a point of no return, not that you notice this because you're too busy trying to keep your head above water. 

Soon this takes over your life, very subtly of course. 

It's often at the back of your mind, you think of ways to hide it, when your going to do it next, what kind of excuse you'll make up in case you ever get caught. How will you react when you get caught?

 Will you laugh it off? 

Maybe start to cry? 

Get angry and confrontational? 

There are so many ways to go about this, but really it's about who will catch you. These thoughts never last long, sometimes they are outright shoved out of your brain. 

After all no one cares enough to notice all the hints you let out, all the differences that they could easily see if they just looked, so there's no worry of ever being caught. 

No one cares enough.

There are moments, small tiny lucid moments when you want to ask for help, but you quickly dismiss such thoughts.

This is your problem, you deal with it. 

Here is where the path splits some will go one way, others another. 

Sometimes you find help or help comes to you, either by accident or on purpose. Still the help comes and you're angry at first, but also secretly greatful to this new light that seems to help, that soothes you over. 

Eventually you do get better, you stop with the habit you were once so dependent upon because your okay with not having control. 

You know that it's okay not to have control.

The other path continues to spiral downward, getting steeper and steeper until finally there really is nothing left for you. 

Your life revolves around your habit and your dependency on it. 

Eventually your light fades away from this world either by your own choice or the habit finally being too much. 

It's the ones that get out of the current that have the highest chance of falling back into it. They could go years without there once desired/ needed/ wanted action before falling back. 

It's not our fault, after all it always whispers such sweet nothings into our ears, it takes away the pain, it gives us back a bit of control, helps us steady ourselves. 

Is it really that strange that we would be tempted to fall back into such a coy habit after having known it's embrace before? 

After all, all we want is our own hope, our own life, our own purpose. 

What we're really after though is an escape.