Black Screen

I keep wanting to text him, but for some reason I don't.

I keep wanting to hear his voice, but I can't bring myself to make the call.

I keep imagining him in my mind, yet for some reason I don't seek him out. 

He's so close. Right there,yet

I don't call

I don't text

I don't go

My mind, body and soul crave for him, want him, need him.

But today's a day of sadness, a day of tears, numbness, nothingness

There's no reason to bring this upon him.

It's better to just be alone.

Still, I want to see him.

I want to embrace him.

I want to let go of this sadness inside me.

Yet all I do is gaze at my phone in longing, wishing, wanting, hoping.

I can't text with my mind though.

He can't read mine.

So my phone will continue to stay idle.

Limbo

    If you're of the christian faith you could also call it purgatory. Sometimes ghost are described like this. These stallmates where you're just stuck in one place and have little clue as to what you wish to do. What you think you should do. What you are expected to do. What is it that you're waiting for at this very moment? Truthfully I don't really know. I have no answer to that question at this point in time. I haven't had an answer to that question in quite some time.
    I dropped out of college at the beginning of January. The place I was accepted just wasn't for me. I couldn't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. So I told my father about it. He accepted my decision, although it was met with much disappointment at first. It took him awhile to register what I did, but it's not like I had no plan. That I just dropped out and did nothing. No I planned to retake my matura exams and get a higher score in mathematics. We developed a plan and put it into action.
    Thus from January to the end of April I studied my heart out in everything that involved mathematics. The beginning of May rolled around and I felt prepared. I felt ready for my exams. I studied, I knew the material, I felt ready to sit down and write these exams. After it was all over I felt alright about how it went. The only thing left to do was wait for the results, which wasn't till July 7.
    It's easy to not think about anything at first. Time passes by, I help out at the zoo, Azael arrives, we go to Greece and it isn't until we return that the nerves start to settle in, the doubt. It's easy to just pretend this isn't the end of the world, but I don't enjoy lying to myself and the sleepless nights arrive. Lying in bed and trying to ignore the churning in your stomach. Finally the day arrives and you get your results.
    They're better than last years, all of them have gone up, but it's really nothing amazing, nothing to write home about and you can't help but start to feel a bit of hopelessness. You don't give in though, you worked hard these past few months and it isn't over yet. You still have a chance. So you apply to all the colleges you want and now the waiting game begins again.
    You're not stupid, you tell yourself in the middle of the night. There's a chance, this isn't a fools dream, still inside you can't help but feel despair. What happens if I don't get in at all? Than what?
I'm tired of being stuck in this limbo of nothingness. I'm an adult, yet not really. I'm a child, but that's not true either. I feel as if I'm stuck in place and there's no point in screaming, because no one will hear me anyways. Even if they did, there's nothing they could do either way.
    I hate this waiting, I'm so tired of it. Waiting for my exams, waiting for the results, waiting for my death sentence. That's what it feels like to me. I'm no genius, I can't just choose whatever school I wish to go to and get accepted. Nope, I'm just your average run of the mill student. There is nothing special about me sorry. I'm going to school, because that is what is expected of me. That's what I need to do if I want to live a somewhat comfortable life as a middle class citizen. I'm no mathematical genius, honestly I'm more of a humanitarian, but I suck at polish and my english has hit a stalemate. So what am I to do if that day comes and only brings me red? Than what? I don't know anymore. I'm really not sure.
    No one ever prepares you for this, They always say follow your dreams and do what you want to do. Well I'm trying to do that, but no one's giving me a chance. I've been reduced to a pile of numbers and digits and that's all that matters to them. I hate this. After this the only thing left for me is getting a job and starting my mediocre adult life. Saving up as much cash as I can to start living on my own and just trying to barely scrape by. I wonder how many people live like this? How can they stand living like that?
     I just hate this standstill that I'm left in. I hate this limbo that I'm floating in. I don't want to be here anymore. I was once a resident of this places and that brings back so many dark memories, that I just can't stay here any longer or I know this will end in blood. It's been so long since I've done it though and my scars have healed as well. There's no worry about taking my glove off, but I'm trapped/ stuck in here again and I just want out.
     I refuse to just sit here and grovel and wait for my doom. I don't want to become that person that falls into a pointless routine that slowly sucks the life out of them. I only have so long to live, so how do I keep myself from wasting away? How do I keep myself from falling into the pit of darkness that I once knew so well? I don't have an answer to that, but is that really all that unusual? I loath myself for saying this, but I really can only sit here and wait for my doom. It's only five days. Ha ha ha, that's plenty of time for a shit ton of nervous break downs. If the inevitable does happen, I will come up with something. I have to. It's obviously going to be hard at first, but I refuse to just turn into a mindless minion.  

    So I will continue to wait till the 27, continue to hold on to that small thread of hope, continue to function. While at the same time ignoring all the voices in my head that say I'm going to fail.  

     

Thundering Storm

It’s raining, more like pouring. Each rain drop can be heard as it hits against the window. Bum, bum, BUM. There’s no wind, just pouring pelting rain. If you stuck your hand out you’d feel as if it was struck by lightning.

You’re stuck inside a small wooden cottage, it’s cozy and warm, yet you feel a deep dread inside you looking outside. You can’t tell if it’s night time or day for the whole world is just grey, everything’s grey. You want to stop looking outside, focus on the warmth in your small home, but you can’t. If you look away you might miss something, you don’t know what it is, but it keeps you from curling up on the couch.

Suddenly the world outside is lit up and for a moment the rain is silenced by the loudest thunderbolt you have ever heard. It almost seems as if it hit right outside your tiny cottage, but somehow everything’s still standing. You’re still safe, you’re still alive, but the fear is still there. The rain seems to start pouring even harder now and you can’t help but curl up in a blanket while watching the world outside.

You seem so detached, yet at the same time you feel as if you should be outside in the rain. Almost like it’s your fault that the world is crying. It’s your fault that the world is in pain. The tears aren’t from sorrow though, but from stress. So many emotions, so many feelings and thoughts and it all comes together in this one giant storm.

You can’t help, but want to apologize even though you know it won’t change a thing. The world around you is still crying, still under so much stress. The guilt will be there though for a certain time, even when the world calms and the emotions pass you’ll still feel guilty inside. It will feel like your fault, until one day you will realize that it had to happen. It would have happened in the end. Everything would have culminated and become what it is now, a pouring, thundering rain.

All you can do is watch and sit by their side as their tears fall. You don’t know what to say nor how to act all you can do is offer silent support. Because in the end you’ll always be there for them. In their darkest hour, in their biggest time of need, when they think their world made of fragile glass is falling apart around them. You will sit by them, arm around their shoulders and remind them that they exists in this world, this isn’t the end. They can still move forward and rebuild.

Finally when the emotions pass and they stand, you’ll help them up, give a smile and cheer them on. For you will always be there for them. Eventually your guilt will pass as well and the world outside of your window will calm. The sky will clear, the rain will stop and after every storm a rainbow will find its way on the sky once again.