Harmony

    For a single moment it felt like I was in a different time. It only lasted for a second, flashed by so quickly that I almost didn't even catch it, but for that single moment I was not a she but a he and the beautiful soul before me, was a she not a he. Our moans connected as we were both dragged under, lost in a moment of time and space. Our bed-sheets were suddenly white not gray, the walls around us were just as dark if not darker and even though this was new, it felt as if we've done this hundreds of times before.
    For some reason I latched on to this feeling and memory. Maybe because it was foreign to me, maybe because it's something I've never experienced before, but despite the timing I remembered it and stored it away for a later time.
    That time ended up being the morning after. So thinking about this feeling, this strange almost nostalgic feeling. It brings thoughts to my mind that I feel embarrassed to write down, but I still will because that's what this place is.
    That split second of harmony between two worlds makes me wonder two things. Does reincarnation exist? And for that one moment did my soul remember a memory from another life? Or. Does the many world theory truly exist, and two of those worlds happened to sync up in that very moment, allowing for that exchange?
    Writing it down like this makes it seem so silly, but I still felt the need. It was so strange and so surreal that I just wanted to save it somewhere, that way if I forget it, maybe I'll remember it again.
    I find it funny that there's a chance me and Aster have been together before whether in another life, just gender swapped. That or there's another universe very similar to our own where we once again got together, but one of the differences is again gender.
    Just something silly I guess. Still it makes me feel warm inside for some reason. If we've gotten together before, maybe that means we make a beautiful disaster.

Only time will tell really.

Hello thrice

So you've finally decided to come back.
Ya, you're unfortunately back here again, sorry.
I'd shout at you and get angry, but your angry enough at yourself. So I feel my input would do little if I just yelled at you. Come sit.

They pat the monochromatic ground next to them, right on the edge of the cliff. I know what will happen when I go down there, but I guess it just shows how bad my state of my mind is when I sit down next to them without hesitation. 

That bad huh?
Probably, you know me better than I do at this point.
Well I have been up here a total of three times so far, always around the same time of year. Could you switch it up occasionally? I'd like to see how the tree looks in winter.

Shrugging my shoulders I look back at the giant willow behind us. It's silver-gray bark blending in with the gray mist surrounding it, the only thing keeping it from getting completely lost in the background are the colorful leaves. Not all of them, most are black, but there are plenty of blues and greens shining brightly among them. Are there more?

Yes, actually there are. Why do you look so surprised? Despite the shitty year you've made quite a few good memories.
I guess you're right about that. Despite the shit school life I've been having, my private life has been blooming.
You focused too much on that. Not that I can really blame you. We're a lazy creature.
That is unfortunately very true.
Why does that always bother you so much, even though you're able to easily admit it. 
Probably because I hope that the more I admit it aloud the easier it will become to accept. It hasn't helped though.
You keep comparing yourself to others. Worrying about what your dad expects of you and just little things that you really shouldn't worry about.
I know, it's frustrating because I'm aware of these things, but I keep doing them anyway.
Maybe that's something I can beat out of you?
Ha, funny.
I try.

We fall into a silence as I watch my feet dangling from the edge. It'd be so easy to just push myself off. Just go deeper, but despite the stress there is little want just a need for release. It's strange.

Isn't it. For the first time in a long while you feel no pull whatsoever. 
But surely earlier?
Nope, you were very accepting, but you still felt the pull. Now though, it's gone. You may fall back on to old habits to relieve stress, but the need to just fall, well lucky you, that's gone.
For good?
I only receive a smile in return, because we both know the answer to that.
So this means I can't just give up.
You said it.
Even though I hate it.
You still know you have to finish it.
Fuck, I hate this.
I know. I also know you'll pull through. You're a stubborn one, that's one thing you never say aloud but are proud of.
Get out of here, shoo, before you give me a big head.
Oy, I should be the one shooing you. You brought me up here again!
Well ya, you should just expect to randomly show up here once a year, get used to it.

They smack me on the back of the head, before jumping into the dark pit. Where for the first time in a while I really don't feel the need to jump in after. Instead I turn back to my beautiful willow, there really are more colorful leaves now.

Are we in our HoneyMoon Phase?

    It's a hard question to answer when asked, "Are you in your honeymoon phase?" Why is it hard, because I'm not really sure if we ever really were in a honeymoon phase.
    That's not to say we weren't in it at all, but when I compare the beginning of my relationship with Aster and Larkspur's with her hubby then it's almost as if we never went through that lovey dovey phase. We didn't call each other on the phone often, nor did we give each other nick names or call the other sweetie. There were plenty of smiles and light touches, sure but that's about it.
    Thinking back on it, we might not have had a honeymoon phase because right after we became 'official' I left for America for two months. Still it feels like every time we reached a milestone there was a small phase of joy. The first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we slept together and that might actually be the two biggest mile stones. Unless there was one after we officially started kissing, but it's hard to say cause that was also our first New Year's.
     Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that comparing our relationship with Larkspurs makes it seem like we never had that hormonal filled phase. It practically feels like we just started to mold together, slowly and carefully at first. Feeling each other out, checking if each piece fits where it's suppose to and whenever it did we'd share a moment of joy. It sound's boring, but I find it difficult to compare it to anything else, because the media isn't a good place for that and well Spur's was very hot and heavy. Not sure how Zin's was in the beginning, I know they spent a lot of time together and they moved in fairly quickly, got engaged after two years and are now going steady with the occasional bumps on the way.
    Aster and I well, we've been dating for, ugh fuck, four years. We've just moved in together, living on our own with Aster's lovely doggo. Our relationship went really slowly cause my patient human let me control the pace, resulting in a very slow start.
    I'm bringing this up cause Zin asked after Aster had moved in, if we've settled or if we were going through another mini honeymoon phase. This was suppose to answer that question, but honestly I think it answered absolutely nothing. Make's me question if we have a boring relationship.
    It doesn't feel like it. Comfortable? Yes. It took us less then two weeks to start farting in front of each other, we've broken the tradition of one of us taking a dump on the toilet while the other showers. Aster asked then if it's normal for a couple to transition so quickly like that. Which I replied with a 'no clue.'
    Maybe it's because we've been together for so long, maybe it's because we're technically used to living together even if it was just for the weekends. It's hard to say.
    Does it really matter though? No. I'm more curious about what our first arguments are going to be about. What one of us will do that will annoy the other to death. What little things that will cause friction but eventually, hopefully, bring us closer together.

That's what I want to find out. 

Nast Dies

    I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me as the four of us face off against the lone Cerberus agent. His partner having been killed just moments before by Bell and Aster. All of us are on guard, waiting for his next move. Will he run? Come back with reinforcements? Maybe he'll fall into a rage and we'll finally finish him off. 

    I can't take my eye's off of him, even though I want to look back. Want to see if Aster's okay. See if Glad is protecting Spur. See if Bell is under control. But I can't. I have to look forward, because I'm the tankiest. I'm the guard, the shield, the one that takes all the blows so that no one else has to get seriously hurt. After all I'm the zombie of the group. The one that started this whole mess with Cerberus and I will do everything to protect my friends. 

    The silent standoff is finally broken by the agent as he lets out an angry shout, "You guys have really pissed me off now!" He stomps forward while reaching for something in a leather pouch tied to his hip. "Guns may do little to hinder you, but this will surely stone you into place." 

    The words are too specific to be an accident, so as I hear Glad shout for all of us to get away I realize what exactly the agent is about to pull out of his bag. The training from my Sensei kicks in as I head to protect the one I know needs most protecting, the one I want to protect the most and I slam right into them shouting "Close your eyes!" They do, as I stare down at their blood red skin and white hair for a final time. 

~NNN~

    One second we're all facing off against the agent, the next all hell breaks loose as I open my eye's and find Nast above me, completely made of stone. "What the.." I say touching Nast's face and feeling the cool hard stone underneath. The other's have noticed my predicament and I hear Larspur let out a blood curdling scream as she realizes what exactly has happened. She starts to chant, summoning something from her book, but I pay little attention to that as I'm trying to find a way to undo whatever happened to Nast. 

    

    She can't be dead. She can't be dead! As I search, her now stone body, looking for some kind of pressure point, anything to undo this magic. I find nothing. I'd probably have laid under her for hours looking for anything, but Bell dragged me out from under her, pulling me away as I screamed at him to let me keep looking, that she can't be like that. 

    Instead he pulls me away from the scene and I see how Larspur is burning the agents body tears streaming down her face, while Glad carefully picks up Nast. Heading back to our hideout. Once we get back, Nast is carefully secured in the basement, Larkspur angrily screams about how she'll find a cure and heads to her library. Glad follows after her, patting me one the back. He said something, but my ears feel like they're filled with water, so I couldn't make out what was said. 

    What the fuck do I do now? Is there even a point right now? My feet take me to the basement where Nast is secured. My feet give out from under me and I fall to the floor crying. At one point I change back to my human form as I feel my long blond hair against my back. If I close my eyes I can almost pretend it's a surprise hug from Nast. Almost, the only thing that's missing is her laughter. I'm unsure for how long I sat there and cried, but after a while the tears stopped and I was left feeling numb. 

    "Hey, how are you holding up?" Bell asks walking in, and sitting next to me with a box of tissues and two giant cups of hot chocolate. 

    "Like shit," I reply. Grabbing the hot drink and trying to enjoy the heat it gives off. "How are you?"

    "Not great either, but it's nothing compared to you and Spur." He replies, sighing and dragging a hand through his hair, "She's locked herself in her room. Convinced she can find a cure, even though Glad knows there isn't one and has tried to explain it to her. She refuses to give up though."

    "I'm not surprised." I sigh out, "Spur would never let go of Nast that easily, not without a fight." We fall into a sad, yet comfortable silence. The two of us sipping on our drinks and trying to get through our sadness. "How did you guys finish off the bastard?" I ask realizing I had completely missed the end of the fight.

    Bell seems to wince here as he speaks, "As soon as Spur realized what happened to Nast she summoned her strongest zombie fighters and they beat him into a bloody pulp. She then got glad to summon his eternal fire which burned his unrecognizable body to a crisp." 

    Knowing the guy who killed Nast is gone for good and can never come back is a bit lightening, so I can't help but say "Good riddance," once Bell finishes talking. Probably would have thrown in my own fire powers if I hadn't blacked out the way I did. A question pops into my head and I know I shouldn't ask it, but in my grieve filled mind I can't put it away. "Will you miss her?"

    I stare at Bell's face when I ask this, noting the puffy eye's and dried tear tracks, he's been grieving too. "I may have only known her for a few months, but ya I'm going to miss her." It's quiet between us again and I feel a tad lighter now for some reason.

    Bell stands after a while, grabbing our now empty cups. "Don't let the demons take over." He whispers for some reason also patting my head, I give him a funny look, wondering what this is about. It's completely out of character for the vamp. "Sorry, but I felt it necessary to tell you what Nast always told me. Every once in a while I'd just have a really bad day, when that happened I'd find a place to just sit and let my thoughts out. Somehow Nast always found me and she'd sit with me for a while. We'd never talk, but she'd bring me tea and just keep me company. She'd always part with those words though, giving me a little strength when the bad days hit." He seems embarrassed for telling me this, which isn't surprising, because it's very personal.

    So I reciprocate with my own story, "Sometimes my demon overpowers my human side. It happens gradually so a lot of the times I don't notice I'm in my red skin more than my pale one, but Nast always did. Whenever she did she would drag me out for a full out spar somewhere hidden away. We'd fight for hours until we were both exhausted and I'd finally turn back human. I didn't realize what she was doing until the third time and by then I had stoped putting up so much of a fight whenever she dragged me out." 

    Bell let's out a small chuckle at my story, "How is it, that she was the most air-headed out of us all, but the most observant?" I shake my head, unaware myself but a small smile graces my lips as the vampire leaves. Alone once again. 

    It's like that for a while again, before I hear someone stumbling down the stairs. It's probably Larkspur, she's the only one of us capable of making that much noise just by walking. Sure enough a few seconds later the petite girl plops down right next to me. She's in worse shape than I am. Eyes blood shot, puffy, thick tear tracks go all the way down her neck. Her nose is stuffy too, so I offer her a tissue from the box that Bell brought earlier. 

    "Thanks," she says voice a bit hoarse, "here." She hands me a bottle of vodka after taking a swig herself. We're encompassed by a stifling silence as we pass the bottle back and forth drinking while staring at our stone statue friend. After half the bottles been downed Spur drawls out, "Can someone fucking explain to me how the bitch with the smallest likely-hood to die is the one that died first?" She turns to me, "You can see the irony in this fucked up situation right?" 

    I think about it for a moment before letting out a snort, "Ya, I can. But honestly are you really surprised?" I ask getting a sip of liquid courage and letting the alcohol take over. "Out of all of us she was probably the most reckless."

    "Please the bitch was more suicidal than fucking reckless. Wanting to find out what could kill her in this life. The only good thing about this situation is that I'll never have to deal with a Nast induced headache ever again."

"Nast induced headache?" I ask, curious as to how she caused them.

     I receive this look from Spur something along the lines of 'get ready for this shit.' "At first they were called brain cringes, that's what I had dubbed them in jr high. Don't ask me how or why, but whenever we would hang out I'd get like three because she would just say the stupidest shit without even thinking about it. 'What do you mean you should use conditioner with long hair?' How the fuck else are you suppose to get out those knots in your fucking hair! My god, it'd be every day with this woman and really I feel like it only got worse once we became adults, cause then the cringes just turned into headaches and every time that happened I wanted to slap the bitch with a rolling pin. I swear to all that is holy Nast, if you don't follow the recipe to a T, then it's not going to come out right! There were so many arguments about how to cook in the kitchen, that I can't even."

    "Holy shit, we had those to!" I shout as I fall into my own spiel of our kitchen arguments. We passed the time like that for hours, passing stories about Nast while sipping on vodka. At one point Spur even got more just so we could keep the party going. It was cathartic, what we were doing. Morning a friend that we both knew and got to love, someone that we'll never get to see again.

~AAA~

Feel like Crap

I feel like utter crap. 

On the inside and the outside. 

    I've been on and off sick for the past two weeks. I started running about a week and a half ago, causing my mental health to go up a bit, but over the past few days even though I'm still running I feel like my minds just fallen into a gutter.
    I've done none of my school work so far, which isn't new, but if I don't pass I get kicked out. Meaning I should be doing my school work, but every time I sit down and try to do it I feel like stabbing myself.
    I've come to the realization that my father and brother really don't care about me or need me. Which hurts on a whole other level and makes me want to just crawl into a hole and never see them again.
    I've started avoiding people again, although it's hard because I now work as a tutor so I still have human contact, but I pull on my best mask and just get through it.
    There are so many things I'm emotional about right now, so many thoughts going on in my brain. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm lonely and even though I know I should just reach out to someone, I don't. Right now I just want to hide away in my room while I still can. I haven't reverted back to 17 year old me, it's not that bad, but it's been a while since I've had this type of onslaught of stress and feelings mixed into one.
    My relationship with Aster isn't helping one bit at the moment. For the past two weeks we've only seen each other for a few hours on Saturday and we aren't alone but drinking with friends. Each of those meeting have ended in me doing/ saying something that cause us to part on neutral or bad terms even though during the week Aster writes to me just like he always does. Meaning nothing was taken to heart, but I'm still left feeling like shit.
    So I'm hiding from him, because if luck will have it we won't meet up this weekend since he's got a work thing Friday evening and I can always lie that I'm busy on Saturday. I'm doing that stupid thing where I'm lonely but I still want to be alone.
    I haven't written much of Monster in the past two weeks either, maybe a thousand words max. Which is stupid of me because I'm so close to a 100 pages and this is my baby and I want to finish it, maybe one day even get it published. Once I fix all the stupid mistakes I've made in it.
    This is literally just me venting/ ranting/ getting things off my chest. Sorry about the stupidity. Here to make it up to you listen to the song Someone to You by The Banners. Sort of sums up how I'm feeling right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeLaiL9tk68

Time to say Goodbye

It's been a part of me for so long, that I find it hard 

to look back on times when I didn't have it. 

It's a simple little thing, made from plain black cloth,

 but it represents so much, stands for so much, 

hides so much.

There are so many things it does for me and I've had it for so long.

 That I find it difficult to part with it. After all, it's a glaring reminder

 of what was once there, what I can still see,

 what only I can see. 

It's a black piece of cloth wrapped around my left hand,

 hand made, version 1.2. The originals long since worn to death.

 I've had it with me since high school, started wearing it for the most obvious reason. At first it was a cry for help, over time it just became my little secret. My comfort, then gradually that changed as well. 

It became a reminder. A reminder of what I had gone through,

 what I had done to myself and what I overcame. 

And it's stayed that way for the longest time. 

How many years have I worn a glove on a daily basis? 

It's probably been about seven. 

That's a long time to wear a glove over your left hand. 

Sometimes it's a wonder why no one ever really asked questions,

 but I guess people wear shoes for years on end, so why not a glove?

 

Still versions 1.2 are slowly wearing away,

 just like the originals and instead of making new ones once more,

 I continue to wear them. 

Why?

 Because in my heart I know it's time to move on.

 I've had them for seven years, 

used them as a shield as comfort as protection, 

but I know it's finally time to let go and move on.

It's silly, tearing up over a glove, 

feeling uncomfortable taking it off 

and just sad to let it go, 

but it was so much. 

It means so much. 

As much as it saddens me, it's time to enter a new chapter in my life, 

whatever it may be. This needs to be without the constant reminder of my weakness, without the gaping wounds I put into myself, without the sadness and insecurity it brought forth. 

Seven years ago I first started my fight with depression, 

seven years ago I found an unhealthy alternative to combat that depression, seven years ago I gave in to my weakness. 

I'm stronger for that now. 

As much as I hate myself for what I once was, 

I can't move forward with my safety blanket 

still wrapped around my wrist. 

So it's time to let go. 

Hang up the old gals, thank them for their time and support, 

because they helped me combat my bad habits, 

let me overcome them. 

I'm dragging this on, 

pulling on as many words from my feeble little brain as possible,

 because I'm scared to let them go, even though I know it's time. 

I've known for a while now. 

So just before my anniversary of birth I want to say

 thank you and goodbye.

x

o

 x 

My Dear Black Glove,

Thank you for hiding my mistakes from the world.
Thank you for protecting me from my weakness and insecurities.
Thank you for reminding me of my sadness and giving me strength.
Thank you for helping me move forward in life.

I won't let you be my crutch anymore.
I won't have you suffer through my sad days anymore, as they have become far and in-between.
I won't blame you anymore.

I have to move forward now, 

without you on my hand, 

but it's going to be okay. 

Over time I'll stop seeing the faded scars.
Over time I'll get used to my bare left hand.
Over time I will learn to stop thinking of my past mistakes.

I'm different now. 

I've learned to find happiness in the smallest of things.
Learned that silence and loneliness is not bad.
I've learned that I love to write and evoke emotions in others.

So thank you once again for seven years. 

I will miss you terribly, but I hope we never 

have to meet again in the same circumstances.

Goodbye
Thank you once again

from the once lost and lonely soul,

that's still lost, 

but no longer lonely  

Stressed more than I should

"I feel like your stressing about this more than you should."

It's a simple line, made in a serious type of conversation that could potentially change the dynamic of our relationship, while at the same time moving us forward for the first time in years. We've been in this rift for about two years now. Being together but not progressing forward, just sort of stuck in place. That was probably partially my fault, but also because we just weren't sure where we were going in life. Now there's suddenly a big step before us, something that could make or break 4 years of us.

And that, that absolutely terrifies me. It means we no longer have a safety cushion on. It will just be the two of us. Now I'm talking about this as if it's official, which it's not and if it does end up being true then it will be talked about, but just making the decision, taking the steps to get there. Well, they frighten and unnerve me. It's taking a literal leap into a pit of blackness and no one is going to open your parachute, except you. 

So to hear you say, 'Ya, no problem' in such a casual and laid back way, boggles my mind. Are you just that confident about this, about all of this? Or are you just willing to put in the work to make us work? It's something I'll probably never ask you about, just something to keep in the back of my mind. 

Still if this comes to anything, I know this. I will try my hardest to make this work, because I want it to work. I already confessed my undying love to you in the last post, admitted you changed my mind about principles that feel as if they were engraved into me, so I guess taking this leap of faith with you is something that scares the ever loving hell out of me, but also excites me.

That's why I'm stressing about it so much, but you won't get to know that.