I can't do it

I can't do it

I can't do it

 I can't do it 

I can't do it

I can't do it

I shouldn't be doing this

I shouldn't be doing this

This is not going to end well

What the fuck do I do with my life?

Do I have to start over again?

What if I don't want to? 

What if I can't?

I can't do this

I can't' do this

I can't' 'do this

I can't' 'd'o this

I can't' 'd'o' this

I can't' '  '  ' '

          ' '  '  '  ' '

Surprising Disappointment

    I'd never thought I'd be disappointed in a friend, especially not this friend. Sure I expected to occasionally be let down, but never disappointed. Our friend group has gotten into a bit of a fight, nothing so serious that no one is talking with each other, but more of a one person is angry with another and is willing to break off their friendship with them just like that.

    Maybe I'll try to be less vague. Friend B is angry with Aster because he's distanced himself a bit from our friend group. I was never super close with anyone, mostly just talked when we met up, but Aster would always hang out with them on discord and now he doesn't really do that. So a bit of a rift has opened up between him and the group, but it's not so large that it's impossible to jump.

    Saturday friend B blew up at Aster and me, saying we've been aloof and passive aggressive and they're sick of our bullshit. The two of us were genuinely confused, because we never meant to come off as passive aggressive nor were we trying to be mean in any way. Still we were at a party and after friend B shouted at us we quickly left.

     The subject sort of dropped from there, with friend A trying to figure out what was going on since they were left out of the conversation at the time, but is one of the core members of our group. Me and friend A talk over the next couple days and they say friend B is willing to talk with me first before talking to Aster.
So I go for this meeting and they're both kind of shitting on Aster a bit, although it's mostly friend B, because friend A has noticed a change in Aster, but figured he was just going through some stuff and they valued their friendship more than these little misunderstandings that were popping up. I talked with the both of them, and explained a few instances that they interpreted incorrectly, but I realized there was no point in me just sitting there protecting and explaining Asters behavior to them. So I told them, friend B just has to go and talk with Aster on their own, since it doesn't make much sense for me to be here since it turns out friend B really didn't have any gripe against me.

     Still finding out that a long time friend of yours is perfectly fine with just dropping our friendship instead of working this out, well it's disheartening to say the least. Something I never thought they would do, because we've all acknowledged how had it is to make friends with people when you don't go out often.

     Tomorrow Aster and friend B are suppose to talk it out. I'm not sure which way I want it to go. On the one hand I want all of us to stay friends, but on the other after hearing that they don't really value our friendship, well is there a point in being friends? Even if we do stay friends, I'll probably end up distancing myself from the group, because that thought will always be in the back of my mind.

 They don't care about us.

Can't chase the sadness away

You know it's bad when your avoiding this place.

You know it's even worse when you can't sleep at night

    Or when you do get sleep you still feel exhausted the next day. Your eyes are all puffy like you opened them in a chlorine filled pool, while your head filled itself with water. All you feel is numbness, nothing seems to chase the sadness away even when you really try.
    Which just makes everything worse, just makes you feel worse. I didn't think it was this bad, but then things started pilling up and I kept pushing them to the back of my mind. A few days later one drunken comment from Aster causes me to spiral downward.
    It was a late Saturday evening, we were hanging out with friends. The boys were drinking while I was snacking on some cookies in order to stay awake. We were in the middle of some shitty conversation when Aster turns to me and says 'And your just shoving sugar down your throat.' It wasn't meant to be a harmful comment in any way, more poking fun since we were all doing that to each other, but with everything I had on my mind for the past week, well it hit me differently.
    Instead of a joke, I heard and you're just a fat ass eating sugar. Follow this with the fact we hadn't been intimate with each other for almost two weeks and it felt like a stab in the heart.
    I was pretty subdued after that, we went to bed immediately after we got home. The next day I didn't have much of an appetite and was generally pretty quiet. Aster asked if everything was okay and I lied, telling him I just didn't get enough sleep. So I tried to be a bit more lively, make more jokes and comments like I usually do, but they were all half-hearted.
    That night I lay awake, unable to sleep at all. I tried snuggling with Aster, it usually chases the sadness away for a little while, but for the first time ever it just made the sadness worse. So I shyed away, turned my back and tried to fall asleep. It was in vain so after a while I got up to write in my journal, Aster followed shortly after and we talked for a little bit. About some of the things bothering me and what I could do about them. It didn't really work. I still felt like I wanted to cry, still do.
    Next day is just as depressing, except it's getting easier to pretend although I think Aster still feels like somethings off. That night sleep is still a struggle, but I refrain from getting up and roaming like I wish. Instead I lay awake until sleep takes me fitfully. I awake earlier than I'd like, after having slept less than 5 hours the night before I was hoping to get a full 8 on this one. Seems it was all in vein.
    So I finally sat down to write, even though I'm still tip toeing around the topic. Maybe it's just my hormones, making this bigger than it really is. Maybe I need to have sex with Aster once a week or else I start doubting if he's attracted to me. Maybe it's my usual summer blues that show up every single fucking year.
     Who fucking knows, all I know is that I'm so used to being sad that after trying to cheer myself up with a multitude of things and none of them working, well I'm fine with just staying this way for now. Cause you know how my self destructive nature works, once I'm sad I want everything around me to crumble.

Let me be alone with my sadness. 

Let me be alone. 

Let me die alone. 

Everything Would Disappear

If one day all of us just stopped talking to each other 

or

If one day all of us died

or 

if one day all of us mysteriously disappeared,

Well then there would be no physical evidence 

of us ever having been friends. 

Sure there are online chat groups, but those can easily be lost 

in the hundreds of millions of groups found online. 

Not to mention you'd have to go out of your way

 to find it. 

So if one day the worst came to pass 

and all of us just stopped, well who's to say we ever 

really were to begin with?

No photos to sadly look back on with a melancholic smile on our faces. 

No notes that brought back memories of simpler times. 

No silly group accessory that clearly stated this is us.  

It's not something the others care about, the thought

 of suddenly not being friends anymore, probably doesn't 

even cross their minds, but to someone like me 

it's a somewhat regular occurrence.

I don't have many pictures, always getting lost with the flow of life, 

always thinking there's still plenty of time.

What's the point in capturing such a mundane memory?

That's the thing though, once time has passed and slowed down, that's what we'll want to reach for; the mundane. What were we doing on those lazy Sunday afternoons? It was so long ago I can barely remember.

That's why after our groups third trip to the cabin at the lake I can't help but reminisce and be slightly saddened that once again I forgot to capture a moment. 

Whether it was when Aster and I held hands again for the first time since we started dating. Or Bax who fell off the pier and landed in the lake, soaked to the bone. The silly alcho-olyimpics we randomly thought up, but only ended up doing two out of the nine disciplines. 

Out of all the things we did that week, if I could only capture one moment, it'd be our bonfire on our final night. Where at one point everyone is droopy eyed and slowly falling asleep in the soft glow of the crackling flames, no one willing to call it a night, for that would officially mark the end. 

Maybe next time, although knowing me I'll get swept up all over again and will once again regret not freezing a single memory.

Harmony

    For a single moment it felt like I was in a different time. It only lasted for a second, flashed by so quickly that I almost didn't even catch it, but for that single moment I was not a she but a he and the beautiful soul before me, was a she not a he. Our moans connected as we were both dragged under, lost in a moment of time and space. Our bed-sheets were suddenly white not gray, the walls around us were just as dark if not darker and even though this was new, it felt as if we've done this hundreds of times before.
    For some reason I latched on to this feeling and memory. Maybe because it was foreign to me, maybe because it's something I've never experienced before, but despite the timing I remembered it and stored it away for a later time.
    That time ended up being the morning after. So thinking about this feeling, this strange almost nostalgic feeling. It brings thoughts to my mind that I feel embarrassed to write down, but I still will because that's what this place is.
    That split second of harmony between two worlds makes me wonder two things. Does reincarnation exist? And for that one moment did my soul remember a memory from another life? Or. Does the many world theory truly exist, and two of those worlds happened to sync up in that very moment, allowing for that exchange?
    Writing it down like this makes it seem so silly, but I still felt the need. It was so strange and so surreal that I just wanted to save it somewhere, that way if I forget it, maybe I'll remember it again.
    I find it funny that there's a chance me and Aster have been together before whether in another life, just gender swapped. That or there's another universe very similar to our own where we once again got together, but one of the differences is again gender.
    Just something silly I guess. Still it makes me feel warm inside for some reason. If we've gotten together before, maybe that means we make a beautiful disaster.

Only time will tell really.

Hello thrice

So you've finally decided to come back.
Ya, you're unfortunately back here again, sorry.
I'd shout at you and get angry, but your angry enough at yourself. So I feel my input would do little if I just yelled at you. Come sit.

They pat the monochromatic ground next to them, right on the edge of the cliff. I know what will happen when I go down there, but I guess it just shows how bad my state of my mind is when I sit down next to them without hesitation. 

That bad huh?
Probably, you know me better than I do at this point.
Well I have been up here a total of three times so far, always around the same time of year. Could you switch it up occasionally? I'd like to see how the tree looks in winter.

Shrugging my shoulders I look back at the giant willow behind us. It's silver-gray bark blending in with the gray mist surrounding it, the only thing keeping it from getting completely lost in the background are the colorful leaves. Not all of them, most are black, but there are plenty of blues and greens shining brightly among them. Are there more?

Yes, actually there are. Why do you look so surprised? Despite the shitty year you've made quite a few good memories.
I guess you're right about that. Despite the shit school life I've been having, my private life has been blooming.
You focused too much on that. Not that I can really blame you. We're a lazy creature.
That is unfortunately very true.
Why does that always bother you so much, even though you're able to easily admit it. 
Probably because I hope that the more I admit it aloud the easier it will become to accept. It hasn't helped though.
You keep comparing yourself to others. Worrying about what your dad expects of you and just little things that you really shouldn't worry about.
I know, it's frustrating because I'm aware of these things, but I keep doing them anyway.
Maybe that's something I can beat out of you?
Ha, funny.
I try.

We fall into a silence as I watch my feet dangling from the edge. It'd be so easy to just push myself off. Just go deeper, but despite the stress there is little want just a need for release. It's strange.

Isn't it. For the first time in a long while you feel no pull whatsoever. 
But surely earlier?
Nope, you were very accepting, but you still felt the pull. Now though, it's gone. You may fall back on to old habits to relieve stress, but the need to just fall, well lucky you, that's gone.
For good?
I only receive a smile in return, because we both know the answer to that.
So this means I can't just give up.
You said it.
Even though I hate it.
You still know you have to finish it.
Fuck, I hate this.
I know. I also know you'll pull through. You're a stubborn one, that's one thing you never say aloud but are proud of.
Get out of here, shoo, before you give me a big head.
Oy, I should be the one shooing you. You brought me up here again!
Well ya, you should just expect to randomly show up here once a year, get used to it.

They smack me on the back of the head, before jumping into the dark pit. Where for the first time in a while I really don't feel the need to jump in after. Instead I turn back to my beautiful willow, there really are more colorful leaves now.

Are we in our HoneyMoon Phase?

    It's a hard question to answer when asked, "Are you in your honeymoon phase?" Why is it hard, because I'm not really sure if we ever really were in a honeymoon phase.
    That's not to say we weren't in it at all, but when I compare the beginning of my relationship with Aster and Larkspur's with her hubby then it's almost as if we never went through that lovey dovey phase. We didn't call each other on the phone often, nor did we give each other nick names or call the other sweetie. There were plenty of smiles and light touches, sure but that's about it.
    Thinking back on it, we might not have had a honeymoon phase because right after we became 'official' I left for America for two months. Still it feels like every time we reached a milestone there was a small phase of joy. The first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we slept together and that might actually be the two biggest mile stones. Unless there was one after we officially started kissing, but it's hard to say cause that was also our first New Year's.
     Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that comparing our relationship with Larkspurs makes it seem like we never had that hormonal filled phase. It practically feels like we just started to mold together, slowly and carefully at first. Feeling each other out, checking if each piece fits where it's suppose to and whenever it did we'd share a moment of joy. It sound's boring, but I find it difficult to compare it to anything else, because the media isn't a good place for that and well Spur's was very hot and heavy. Not sure how Zin's was in the beginning, I know they spent a lot of time together and they moved in fairly quickly, got engaged after two years and are now going steady with the occasional bumps on the way.
    Aster and I well, we've been dating for, ugh fuck, four years. We've just moved in together, living on our own with Aster's lovely doggo. Our relationship went really slowly cause my patient human let me control the pace, resulting in a very slow start.
    I'm bringing this up cause Zin asked after Aster had moved in, if we've settled or if we were going through another mini honeymoon phase. This was suppose to answer that question, but honestly I think it answered absolutely nothing. Make's me question if we have a boring relationship.
    It doesn't feel like it. Comfortable? Yes. It took us less then two weeks to start farting in front of each other, we've broken the tradition of one of us taking a dump on the toilet while the other showers. Aster asked then if it's normal for a couple to transition so quickly like that. Which I replied with a 'no clue.'
    Maybe it's because we've been together for so long, maybe it's because we're technically used to living together even if it was just for the weekends. It's hard to say.
    Does it really matter though? No. I'm more curious about what our first arguments are going to be about. What one of us will do that will annoy the other to death. What little things that will cause friction but eventually, hopefully, bring us closer together.

That's what I want to find out.