I wish my thoughts would stop

    I wish my thoughts would stop, but they don't. Sometimes they take a small break, fall into the background for a little while, but they always come back, rearing their ugly head. I hate them. I wish they would go away, because they show off a terrible side of myself I wish wasn't there.
    I didn't have them until we started to live with each other, then a few months passed and now they pop up every time we go more than a week without having sex. Ya, warning for those not interested in a strangers sex life, go now or continue reading this, your choice.
    Since we both started school these thoughts pop up often, even though logically I know they aren't true and I shouldn't even think such things. They still appear, they fester in my brain until finally we do the deed and they disappear for a short time.
    I hate that this happens, it's making me sound like some kind of sex driven whore, but it's the truth and I can't just continue to ignore it. I enjoy sex with my partner, a lot. It makes me feel like we're one being for a short period of time, which sounds strange but that's just how it feels for me. Not to mention I'm a very touch driven person, something that I didn't really get after I moved. Hugs from family slowly became less frequent, eventually turning into occasional pats on the head or shoulder until finally touch became strange and foreign to me, something I no longer wanted from family, because it just reminded me of times long past.
    Then Aster came along and suddenly I was happy to get a hug again. When we leaned against each other or I put my arm around his waist it felt wonderful and I was reminded how much I missed platonic loving touches. Until finally I was introduced to more sexual touches which really blew my mind. Although my favorite thing is just hugging each other naked, it makes me feel like the most content being on the entire planet and for just one moment everything is OK.
    But we don't touch that much anymore, most of it has become something that only happens when we're having sex, which seems to happen less and less.
Which causes my dark spiraling thoughts of what if he's seeing someone else? Whether at work or maybe school, what if that's where he's getting his touches from now? Maybe he's no longer attracted to me? He's found some other cute boy or girl that he's spending his time with and just hasn't told me that he want's to break up.
    I HATE these thoughts. I KNOW Aster wouldn't do this. I trust that if he truly no longer felt anything towards me he would just break up with me instead of stringing me along like this. But my thoughts still go there, our lack of touch still causes this sadness to well up within me. It sounds so stupid, but I found out about the 5 languages of love; spending time together, gift giving, touch, doing things for each other and compliments/romantic gestures. And I took the quiz and had Aster take it too and surprise surprise Touch was practically equal with spending time together. I think Touch scored a 10 while spending time scored an 11. So they're practically interchangeable. While Aster scored an 11 on spending time, 9 on doing things for each other and then a 7 on touch. Some of the numbers may be off but the order is correct.
    It was good to find out that touch isn't at the very bottom for Aster otherwise I think we wouldn't work out, but he still complains or moves away when I try to touch him. I know most of the time it's a joke since he makes some kind of joking comment or has that 'I'm playing a trick on you' smile, but it hurts sometimes.
I just want to cuddle for a bit, but because I feel this way instead of just cuddling up to him in bed I stay I on my side, because I feel so cold that I don't want to be burnt.
    For the small percent wondering if I initiate sex. I try sometimes, but I'm so terrible at conveying that I want to do it through body language that I have to just outright ask for it sometimes. Another thing I don't enjoy doing because whenever I do ask I feel like a dog asking its master for a treat, who than sighs unzips his pants and goes okay, but only a quickie.
    I just wish I wasn't so touch driven. Then maybe I'd stop having these terrible thoughts and I'd just be happy with what I have. I'm just a whore, a stupid fucking whore.

I can't do it

I can't do it

I can't do it

 I can't do it 

I can't do it

I can't do it

I shouldn't be doing this

I shouldn't be doing this

This is not going to end well

What the fuck do I do with my life?

Do I have to start over again?

What if I don't want to? 

What if I can't?

I can't do this

I can't' do this

I can't' 'do this

I can't' 'd'o this

I can't' 'd'o' this

I can't' '  '  ' '

          ' '  '  '  ' '

Surprising Disappointment

    I'd never thought I'd be disappointed in a friend, especially not this friend. Sure I expected to occasionally be let down, but never disappointed. Our friend group has gotten into a bit of a fight, nothing so serious that no one is talking with each other, but more of a one person is angry with another and is willing to break off their friendship with them just like that.

    Maybe I'll try to be less vague. Friend B is angry with Aster because he's distanced himself a bit from our friend group. I was never super close with anyone, mostly just talked when we met up, but Aster would always hang out with them on discord and now he doesn't really do that. So a bit of a rift has opened up between him and the group, but it's not so large that it's impossible to jump.

    Saturday friend B blew up at Aster and me, saying we've been aloof and passive aggressive and they're sick of our bullshit. The two of us were genuinely confused, because we never meant to come off as passive aggressive nor were we trying to be mean in any way. Still we were at a party and after friend B shouted at us we quickly left.

     The subject sort of dropped from there, with friend A trying to figure out what was going on since they were left out of the conversation at the time, but is one of the core members of our group. Me and friend A talk over the next couple days and they say friend B is willing to talk with me first before talking to Aster.
So I go for this meeting and they're both kind of shitting on Aster a bit, although it's mostly friend B, because friend A has noticed a change in Aster, but figured he was just going through some stuff and they valued their friendship more than these little misunderstandings that were popping up. I talked with the both of them, and explained a few instances that they interpreted incorrectly, but I realized there was no point in me just sitting there protecting and explaining Asters behavior to them. So I told them, friend B just has to go and talk with Aster on their own, since it doesn't make much sense for me to be here since it turns out friend B really didn't have any gripe against me.

     Still finding out that a long time friend of yours is perfectly fine with just dropping our friendship instead of working this out, well it's disheartening to say the least. Something I never thought they would do, because we've all acknowledged how had it is to make friends with people when you don't go out often.

     Tomorrow Aster and friend B are suppose to talk it out. I'm not sure which way I want it to go. On the one hand I want all of us to stay friends, but on the other after hearing that they don't really value our friendship, well is there a point in being friends? Even if we do stay friends, I'll probably end up distancing myself from the group, because that thought will always be in the back of my mind.

 They don't care about us.

Can't chase the sadness away

You know it's bad when your avoiding this place.

You know it's even worse when you can't sleep at night

    Or when you do get sleep you still feel exhausted the next day. Your eyes are all puffy like you opened them in a chlorine filled pool, while your head filled itself with water. All you feel is numbness, nothing seems to chase the sadness away even when you really try.
    Which just makes everything worse, just makes you feel worse. I didn't think it was this bad, but then things started pilling up and I kept pushing them to the back of my mind. A few days later one drunken comment from Aster causes me to spiral downward.
    It was a late Saturday evening, we were hanging out with friends. The boys were drinking while I was snacking on some cookies in order to stay awake. We were in the middle of some shitty conversation when Aster turns to me and says 'And your just shoving sugar down your throat.' It wasn't meant to be a harmful comment in any way, more poking fun since we were all doing that to each other, but with everything I had on my mind for the past week, well it hit me differently.
    Instead of a joke, I heard and you're just a fat ass eating sugar. Follow this with the fact we hadn't been intimate with each other for almost two weeks and it felt like a stab in the heart.
    I was pretty subdued after that, we went to bed immediately after we got home. The next day I didn't have much of an appetite and was generally pretty quiet. Aster asked if everything was okay and I lied, telling him I just didn't get enough sleep. So I tried to be a bit more lively, make more jokes and comments like I usually do, but they were all half-hearted.
    That night I lay awake, unable to sleep at all. I tried snuggling with Aster, it usually chases the sadness away for a little while, but for the first time ever it just made the sadness worse. So I shyed away, turned my back and tried to fall asleep. It was in vain so after a while I got up to write in my journal, Aster followed shortly after and we talked for a little bit. About some of the things bothering me and what I could do about them. It didn't really work. I still felt like I wanted to cry, still do.
    Next day is just as depressing, except it's getting easier to pretend although I think Aster still feels like somethings off. That night sleep is still a struggle, but I refrain from getting up and roaming like I wish. Instead I lay awake until sleep takes me fitfully. I awake earlier than I'd like, after having slept less than 5 hours the night before I was hoping to get a full 8 on this one. Seems it was all in vein.
    So I finally sat down to write, even though I'm still tip toeing around the topic. Maybe it's just my hormones, making this bigger than it really is. Maybe I need to have sex with Aster once a week or else I start doubting if he's attracted to me. Maybe it's my usual summer blues that show up every single fucking year.
     Who fucking knows, all I know is that I'm so used to being sad that after trying to cheer myself up with a multitude of things and none of them working, well I'm fine with just staying this way for now. Cause you know how my self destructive nature works, once I'm sad I want everything around me to crumble.

Let me be alone with my sadness. 

Let me be alone. 

Let me die alone. 

Everything Would Disappear

If one day all of us just stopped talking to each other 

or

If one day all of us died

or 

if one day all of us mysteriously disappeared,

Well then there would be no physical evidence 

of us ever having been friends. 

Sure there are online chat groups, but those can easily be lost 

in the hundreds of millions of groups found online. 

Not to mention you'd have to go out of your way

 to find it. 

So if one day the worst came to pass 

and all of us just stopped, well who's to say we ever 

really were to begin with?

No photos to sadly look back on with a melancholic smile on our faces. 

No notes that brought back memories of simpler times. 

No silly group accessory that clearly stated this is us.  

It's not something the others care about, the thought

 of suddenly not being friends anymore, probably doesn't 

even cross their minds, but to someone like me 

it's a somewhat regular occurrence.

I don't have many pictures, always getting lost with the flow of life, 

always thinking there's still plenty of time.

What's the point in capturing such a mundane memory?

That's the thing though, once time has passed and slowed down, that's what we'll want to reach for; the mundane. What were we doing on those lazy Sunday afternoons? It was so long ago I can barely remember.

That's why after our groups third trip to the cabin at the lake I can't help but reminisce and be slightly saddened that once again I forgot to capture a moment. 

Whether it was when Aster and I held hands again for the first time since we started dating. Or Bax who fell off the pier and landed in the lake, soaked to the bone. The silly alcho-olyimpics we randomly thought up, but only ended up doing two out of the nine disciplines. 

Out of all the things we did that week, if I could only capture one moment, it'd be our bonfire on our final night. Where at one point everyone is droopy eyed and slowly falling asleep in the soft glow of the crackling flames, no one willing to call it a night, for that would officially mark the end. 

Maybe next time, although knowing me I'll get swept up all over again and will once again regret not freezing a single memory.

Harmony

    For a single moment it felt like I was in a different time. It only lasted for a second, flashed by so quickly that I almost didn't even catch it, but for that single moment I was not a she but a he and the beautiful soul before me, was a she not a he. Our moans connected as we were both dragged under, lost in a moment of time and space. Our bed-sheets were suddenly white not gray, the walls around us were just as dark if not darker and even though this was new, it felt as if we've done this hundreds of times before.
    For some reason I latched on to this feeling and memory. Maybe because it was foreign to me, maybe because it's something I've never experienced before, but despite the timing I remembered it and stored it away for a later time.
    That time ended up being the morning after. So thinking about this feeling, this strange almost nostalgic feeling. It brings thoughts to my mind that I feel embarrassed to write down, but I still will because that's what this place is.
    That split second of harmony between two worlds makes me wonder two things. Does reincarnation exist? And for that one moment did my soul remember a memory from another life? Or. Does the many world theory truly exist, and two of those worlds happened to sync up in that very moment, allowing for that exchange?
    Writing it down like this makes it seem so silly, but I still felt the need. It was so strange and so surreal that I just wanted to save it somewhere, that way if I forget it, maybe I'll remember it again.
    I find it funny that there's a chance me and Aster have been together before whether in another life, just gender swapped. That or there's another universe very similar to our own where we once again got together, but one of the differences is again gender.
    Just something silly I guess. Still it makes me feel warm inside for some reason. If we've gotten together before, maybe that means we make a beautiful disaster.

Only time will tell really.

Hello thrice

So you've finally decided to come back.
Ya, you're unfortunately back here again, sorry.
I'd shout at you and get angry, but your angry enough at yourself. So I feel my input would do little if I just yelled at you. Come sit.

They pat the monochromatic ground next to them, right on the edge of the cliff. I know what will happen when I go down there, but I guess it just shows how bad my state of my mind is when I sit down next to them without hesitation. 

That bad huh?
Probably, you know me better than I do at this point.
Well I have been up here a total of three times so far, always around the same time of year. Could you switch it up occasionally? I'd like to see how the tree looks in winter.

Shrugging my shoulders I look back at the giant willow behind us. It's silver-gray bark blending in with the gray mist surrounding it, the only thing keeping it from getting completely lost in the background are the colorful leaves. Not all of them, most are black, but there are plenty of blues and greens shining brightly among them. Are there more?

Yes, actually there are. Why do you look so surprised? Despite the shitty year you've made quite a few good memories.
I guess you're right about that. Despite the shit school life I've been having, my private life has been blooming.
You focused too much on that. Not that I can really blame you. We're a lazy creature.
That is unfortunately very true.
Why does that always bother you so much, even though you're able to easily admit it. 
Probably because I hope that the more I admit it aloud the easier it will become to accept. It hasn't helped though.
You keep comparing yourself to others. Worrying about what your dad expects of you and just little things that you really shouldn't worry about.
I know, it's frustrating because I'm aware of these things, but I keep doing them anyway.
Maybe that's something I can beat out of you?
Ha, funny.
I try.

We fall into a silence as I watch my feet dangling from the edge. It'd be so easy to just push myself off. Just go deeper, but despite the stress there is little want just a need for release. It's strange.

Isn't it. For the first time in a long while you feel no pull whatsoever. 
But surely earlier?
Nope, you were very accepting, but you still felt the pull. Now though, it's gone. You may fall back on to old habits to relieve stress, but the need to just fall, well lucky you, that's gone.
For good?
I only receive a smile in return, because we both know the answer to that.
So this means I can't just give up.
You said it.
Even though I hate it.
You still know you have to finish it.
Fuck, I hate this.
I know. I also know you'll pull through. You're a stubborn one, that's one thing you never say aloud but are proud of.
Get out of here, shoo, before you give me a big head.
Oy, I should be the one shooing you. You brought me up here again!
Well ya, you should just expect to randomly show up here once a year, get used to it.

They smack me on the back of the head, before jumping into the dark pit. Where for the first time in a while I really don't feel the need to jump in after. Instead I turn back to my beautiful willow, there really are more colorful leaves now.

Are we in our HoneyMoon Phase?

    It's a hard question to answer when asked, "Are you in your honeymoon phase?" Why is it hard, because I'm not really sure if we ever really were in a honeymoon phase.
    That's not to say we weren't in it at all, but when I compare the beginning of my relationship with Aster and Larkspur's with her hubby then it's almost as if we never went through that lovey dovey phase. We didn't call each other on the phone often, nor did we give each other nick names or call the other sweetie. There were plenty of smiles and light touches, sure but that's about it.
    Thinking back on it, we might not have had a honeymoon phase because right after we became 'official' I left for America for two months. Still it feels like every time we reached a milestone there was a small phase of joy. The first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we slept together and that might actually be the two biggest mile stones. Unless there was one after we officially started kissing, but it's hard to say cause that was also our first New Year's.
     Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that comparing our relationship with Larkspurs makes it seem like we never had that hormonal filled phase. It practically feels like we just started to mold together, slowly and carefully at first. Feeling each other out, checking if each piece fits where it's suppose to and whenever it did we'd share a moment of joy. It sound's boring, but I find it difficult to compare it to anything else, because the media isn't a good place for that and well Spur's was very hot and heavy. Not sure how Zin's was in the beginning, I know they spent a lot of time together and they moved in fairly quickly, got engaged after two years and are now going steady with the occasional bumps on the way.
    Aster and I well, we've been dating for, ugh fuck, four years. We've just moved in together, living on our own with Aster's lovely doggo. Our relationship went really slowly cause my patient human let me control the pace, resulting in a very slow start.
    I'm bringing this up cause Zin asked after Aster had moved in, if we've settled or if we were going through another mini honeymoon phase. This was suppose to answer that question, but honestly I think it answered absolutely nothing. Make's me question if we have a boring relationship.
    It doesn't feel like it. Comfortable? Yes. It took us less then two weeks to start farting in front of each other, we've broken the tradition of one of us taking a dump on the toilet while the other showers. Aster asked then if it's normal for a couple to transition so quickly like that. Which I replied with a 'no clue.'
    Maybe it's because we've been together for so long, maybe it's because we're technically used to living together even if it was just for the weekends. It's hard to say.
    Does it really matter though? No. I'm more curious about what our first arguments are going to be about. What one of us will do that will annoy the other to death. What little things that will cause friction but eventually, hopefully, bring us closer together.

That's what I want to find out. 

Nast Dies

    I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me as the four of us face off against the lone Cerberus agent. His partner having been killed just moments before by Bell and Aster. All of us are on guard, waiting for his next move. Will he run? Come back with reinforcements? Maybe he'll fall into a rage and we'll finally finish him off. 

    I can't take my eye's off of him, even though I want to look back. Want to see if Aster's okay. See if Glad is protecting Spur. See if Bell is under control. But I can't. I have to look forward, because I'm the tankiest. I'm the guard, the shield, the one that takes all the blows so that no one else has to get seriously hurt. After all I'm the zombie of the group. The one that started this whole mess with Cerberus and I will do everything to protect my friends. 

    The silent standoff is finally broken by the agent as he lets out an angry shout, "You guys have really pissed me off now!" He stomps forward while reaching for something in a leather pouch tied to his hip. "Guns may do little to hinder you, but this will surely stone you into place." 

    The words are too specific to be an accident, so as I hear Glad shout for all of us to get away I realize what exactly the agent is about to pull out of his bag. The training from my Sensei kicks in as I head to protect the one I know needs most protecting, the one I want to protect the most and I slam right into them shouting "Close your eyes!" They do, as I stare down at their blood red skin and white hair for a final time. 

~NNN~

    One second we're all facing off against the agent, the next all hell breaks loose as I open my eye's and find Nast above me, completely made of stone. "What the.." I say touching Nast's face and feeling the cool hard stone underneath. The other's have noticed my predicament and I hear Larspur let out a blood curdling scream as she realizes what exactly has happened. She starts to chant, summoning something from her book, but I pay little attention to that as I'm trying to find a way to undo whatever happened to Nast. 

    

    She can't be dead. She can't be dead! As I search, her now stone body, looking for some kind of pressure point, anything to undo this magic. I find nothing. I'd probably have laid under her for hours looking for anything, but Bell dragged me out from under her, pulling me away as I screamed at him to let me keep looking, that she can't be like that. 

    Instead he pulls me away from the scene and I see how Larspur is burning the agents body tears streaming down her face, while Glad carefully picks up Nast. Heading back to our hideout. Once we get back, Nast is carefully secured in the basement, Larkspur angrily screams about how she'll find a cure and heads to her library. Glad follows after her, patting me one the back. He said something, but my ears feel like they're filled with water, so I couldn't make out what was said. 

    What the fuck do I do now? Is there even a point right now? My feet take me to the basement where Nast is secured. My feet give out from under me and I fall to the floor crying. At one point I change back to my human form as I feel my long blond hair against my back. If I close my eyes I can almost pretend it's a surprise hug from Nast. Almost, the only thing that's missing is her laughter. I'm unsure for how long I sat there and cried, but after a while the tears stopped and I was left feeling numb. 

    "Hey, how are you holding up?" Bell asks walking in, and sitting next to me with a box of tissues and two giant cups of hot chocolate. 

    "Like shit," I reply. Grabbing the hot drink and trying to enjoy the heat it gives off. "How are you?"

    "Not great either, but it's nothing compared to you and Spur." He replies, sighing and dragging a hand through his hair, "She's locked herself in her room. Convinced she can find a cure, even though Glad knows there isn't one and has tried to explain it to her. She refuses to give up though."

    "I'm not surprised." I sigh out, "Spur would never let go of Nast that easily, not without a fight." We fall into a sad, yet comfortable silence. The two of us sipping on our drinks and trying to get through our sadness. "How did you guys finish off the bastard?" I ask realizing I had completely missed the end of the fight.

    Bell seems to wince here as he speaks, "As soon as Spur realized what happened to Nast she summoned her strongest zombie fighters and they beat him into a bloody pulp. She then got glad to summon his eternal fire which burned his unrecognizable body to a crisp." 

    Knowing the guy who killed Nast is gone for good and can never come back is a bit lightening, so I can't help but say "Good riddance," once Bell finishes talking. Probably would have thrown in my own fire powers if I hadn't blacked out the way I did. A question pops into my head and I know I shouldn't ask it, but in my grieve filled mind I can't put it away. "Will you miss her?"

    I stare at Bell's face when I ask this, noting the puffy eye's and dried tear tracks, he's been grieving too. "I may have only known her for a few months, but ya I'm going to miss her." It's quiet between us again and I feel a tad lighter now for some reason.

    Bell stands after a while, grabbing our now empty cups. "Don't let the demons take over." He whispers for some reason also patting my head, I give him a funny look, wondering what this is about. It's completely out of character for the vamp. "Sorry, but I felt it necessary to tell you what Nast always told me. Every once in a while I'd just have a really bad day, when that happened I'd find a place to just sit and let my thoughts out. Somehow Nast always found me and she'd sit with me for a while. We'd never talk, but she'd bring me tea and just keep me company. She'd always part with those words though, giving me a little strength when the bad days hit." He seems embarrassed for telling me this, which isn't surprising, because it's very personal.

    So I reciprocate with my own story, "Sometimes my demon overpowers my human side. It happens gradually so a lot of the times I don't notice I'm in my red skin more than my pale one, but Nast always did. Whenever she did she would drag me out for a full out spar somewhere hidden away. We'd fight for hours until we were both exhausted and I'd finally turn back human. I didn't realize what she was doing until the third time and by then I had stoped putting up so much of a fight whenever she dragged me out." 

    Bell let's out a small chuckle at my story, "How is it, that she was the most air-headed out of us all, but the most observant?" I shake my head, unaware myself but a small smile graces my lips as the vampire leaves. Alone once again. 

    It's like that for a while again, before I hear someone stumbling down the stairs. It's probably Larkspur, she's the only one of us capable of making that much noise just by walking. Sure enough a few seconds later the petite girl plops down right next to me. She's in worse shape than I am. Eyes blood shot, puffy, thick tear tracks go all the way down her neck. Her nose is stuffy too, so I offer her a tissue from the box that Bell brought earlier. 

    "Thanks," she says voice a bit hoarse, "here." She hands me a bottle of vodka after taking a swig herself. We're encompassed by a stifling silence as we pass the bottle back and forth drinking while staring at our stone statue friend. After half the bottles been downed Spur drawls out, "Can someone fucking explain to me how the bitch with the smallest likely-hood to die is the one that died first?" She turns to me, "You can see the irony in this fucked up situation right?" 

    I think about it for a moment before letting out a snort, "Ya, I can. But honestly are you really surprised?" I ask getting a sip of liquid courage and letting the alcohol take over. "Out of all of us she was probably the most reckless."

    "Please the bitch was more suicidal than fucking reckless. Wanting to find out what could kill her in this life. The only good thing about this situation is that I'll never have to deal with a Nast induced headache ever again."

"Nast induced headache?" I ask, curious as to how she caused them.

     I receive this look from Spur something along the lines of 'get ready for this shit.' "At first they were called brain cringes, that's what I had dubbed them in jr high. Don't ask me how or why, but whenever we would hang out I'd get like three because she would just say the stupidest shit without even thinking about it. 'What do you mean you should use conditioner with long hair?' How the fuck else are you suppose to get out those knots in your fucking hair! My god, it'd be every day with this woman and really I feel like it only got worse once we became adults, cause then the cringes just turned into headaches and every time that happened I wanted to slap the bitch with a rolling pin. I swear to all that is holy Nast, if you don't follow the recipe to a T, then it's not going to come out right! There were so many arguments about how to cook in the kitchen, that I can't even."

    "Holy shit, we had those to!" I shout as I fall into my own spiel of our kitchen arguments. We passed the time like that for hours, passing stories about Nast while sipping on vodka. At one point Spur even got more just so we could keep the party going. It was cathartic, what we were doing. Morning a friend that we both knew and got to love, someone that we'll never get to see again.

~AAA~

Feel like Crap

I feel like utter crap. 

On the inside and the outside. 

    I've been on and off sick for the past two weeks. I started running about a week and a half ago, causing my mental health to go up a bit, but over the past few days even though I'm still running I feel like my minds just fallen into a gutter.
    I've done none of my school work so far, which isn't new, but if I don't pass I get kicked out. Meaning I should be doing my school work, but every time I sit down and try to do it I feel like stabbing myself.
    I've come to the realization that my father and brother really don't care about me or need me. Which hurts on a whole other level and makes me want to just crawl into a hole and never see them again.
    I've started avoiding people again, although it's hard because I now work as a tutor so I still have human contact, but I pull on my best mask and just get through it.
    There are so many things I'm emotional about right now, so many thoughts going on in my brain. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm lonely and even though I know I should just reach out to someone, I don't. Right now I just want to hide away in my room while I still can. I haven't reverted back to 17 year old me, it's not that bad, but it's been a while since I've had this type of onslaught of stress and feelings mixed into one.
    My relationship with Aster isn't helping one bit at the moment. For the past two weeks we've only seen each other for a few hours on Saturday and we aren't alone but drinking with friends. Each of those meeting have ended in me doing/ saying something that cause us to part on neutral or bad terms even though during the week Aster writes to me just like he always does. Meaning nothing was taken to heart, but I'm still left feeling like shit.
    So I'm hiding from him, because if luck will have it we won't meet up this weekend since he's got a work thing Friday evening and I can always lie that I'm busy on Saturday. I'm doing that stupid thing where I'm lonely but I still want to be alone.
    I haven't written much of Monster in the past two weeks either, maybe a thousand words max. Which is stupid of me because I'm so close to a 100 pages and this is my baby and I want to finish it, maybe one day even get it published. Once I fix all the stupid mistakes I've made in it.
    This is literally just me venting/ ranting/ getting things off my chest. Sorry about the stupidity. Here to make it up to you listen to the song Someone to You by The Banners. Sort of sums up how I'm feeling right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeLaiL9tk68

Time to say Goodbye

It's been a part of me for so long, that I find it hard 

to look back on times when I didn't have it. 

It's a simple little thing, made from plain black cloth,

 but it represents so much, stands for so much, 

hides so much.

There are so many things it does for me and I've had it for so long.

 That I find it difficult to part with it. After all, it's a glaring reminder

 of what was once there, what I can still see,

 what only I can see. 

It's a black piece of cloth wrapped around my left hand,

 hand made, version 1.2. The originals long since worn to death.

 I've had it with me since high school, started wearing it for the most obvious reason. At first it was a cry for help, over time it just became my little secret. My comfort, then gradually that changed as well. 

It became a reminder. A reminder of what I had gone through,

 what I had done to myself and what I overcame. 

And it's stayed that way for the longest time. 

How many years have I worn a glove on a daily basis? 

It's probably been about seven. 

That's a long time to wear a glove over your left hand. 

Sometimes it's a wonder why no one ever really asked questions,

 but I guess people wear shoes for years on end, so why not a glove?

 

Still versions 1.2 are slowly wearing away,

 just like the originals and instead of making new ones once more,

 I continue to wear them. 

Why?

 Because in my heart I know it's time to move on.

 I've had them for seven years, 

used them as a shield as comfort as protection, 

but I know it's finally time to let go and move on.

It's silly, tearing up over a glove, 

feeling uncomfortable taking it off 

and just sad to let it go, 

but it was so much. 

It means so much. 

As much as it saddens me, it's time to enter a new chapter in my life, 

whatever it may be. This needs to be without the constant reminder of my weakness, without the gaping wounds I put into myself, without the sadness and insecurity it brought forth. 

Seven years ago I first started my fight with depression, 

seven years ago I found an unhealthy alternative to combat that depression, seven years ago I gave in to my weakness. 

I'm stronger for that now. 

As much as I hate myself for what I once was, 

I can't move forward with my safety blanket 

still wrapped around my wrist. 

So it's time to let go. 

Hang up the old gals, thank them for their time and support, 

because they helped me combat my bad habits, 

let me overcome them. 

I'm dragging this on, 

pulling on as many words from my feeble little brain as possible,

 because I'm scared to let them go, even though I know it's time. 

I've known for a while now. 

So just before my anniversary of birth I want to say

 thank you and goodbye.

x

o

 x 

My Dear Black Glove,

Thank you for hiding my mistakes from the world.
Thank you for protecting me from my weakness and insecurities.
Thank you for reminding me of my sadness and giving me strength.
Thank you for helping me move forward in life.

I won't let you be my crutch anymore.
I won't have you suffer through my sad days anymore, as they have become far and in-between.
I won't blame you anymore.

I have to move forward now, 

without you on my hand, 

but it's going to be okay. 

Over time I'll stop seeing the faded scars.
Over time I'll get used to my bare left hand.
Over time I will learn to stop thinking of my past mistakes.

I'm different now. 

I've learned to find happiness in the smallest of things.
Learned that silence and loneliness is not bad.
I've learned that I love to write and evoke emotions in others.

So thank you once again for seven years. 

I will miss you terribly, but I hope we never 

have to meet again in the same circumstances.

Goodbye
Thank you once again

from the once lost and lonely soul,

that's still lost, 

but no longer lonely  

Stressed more than I should

"I feel like your stressing about this more than you should."

It's a simple line, made in a serious type of conversation that could potentially change the dynamic of our relationship, while at the same time moving us forward for the first time in years. We've been in this rift for about two years now. Being together but not progressing forward, just sort of stuck in place. That was probably partially my fault, but also because we just weren't sure where we were going in life. Now there's suddenly a big step before us, something that could make or break 4 years of us.

And that, that absolutely terrifies me. It means we no longer have a safety cushion on. It will just be the two of us. Now I'm talking about this as if it's official, which it's not and if it does end up being true then it will be talked about, but just making the decision, taking the steps to get there. Well, they frighten and unnerve me. It's taking a literal leap into a pit of blackness and no one is going to open your parachute, except you. 

So to hear you say, 'Ya, no problem' in such a casual and laid back way, boggles my mind. Are you just that confident about this, about all of this? Or are you just willing to put in the work to make us work? It's something I'll probably never ask you about, just something to keep in the back of my mind. 

Still if this comes to anything, I know this. I will try my hardest to make this work, because I want it to work. I already confessed my undying love to you in the last post, admitted you changed my mind about principles that feel as if they were engraved into me, so I guess taking this leap of faith with you is something that scares the ever loving hell out of me, but also excites me.

That's why I'm stressing about it so much, but you won't get to know that.

I'm Afraid

    I've been putting off writing this since the beginning of the new year, letting everything build up inside me, just like I used to do. I'd like to think it's different this time, that I wasn't running away, that I was just focused on other things. But that's a lie.
    Each time I though 'I should write something' my brain always found something better to do. Any distraction is better than facing on this. I don't procrastinate, I escape. It's something I didn't realize until just recently which is silly of me, but I find it difficult to differentiate between the two words. Still I know now that I take part in the school of escapism, distracting myself with anything so that I don't have to think about my life. And for the past few months I've been doing a lot of that. So much so that I hid away from the world for a little while. Fucking even now I'm trying to go around the problem, stalling because really there is more than one problem.
    I'm afraid right now. Of school, of my future and of Aster. Schools a given, it terrifies me, knowing that I shouldn't be where I am but I've already gotten this far so I should try to finish than do something else. It makes logical sense, but my brain just says give up now and run away. What's even the point? There isn't much else to say, I'm just tired of school. I want to be done, even though I still have a ways to go.
    Now this is hard for me to write, let alone say out loud. It seems so stupid, but by this point I feel as if I've been conditioned by the adults around me to not think these thoughts. Yet here I am thinking these awful thoughts.

I want to marry Aster. 

    I want to be with him forever, I'll even give the fucker a baby girl since he wants it so bad. Go ahead laugh, this isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to sit in the corner with my head hung in shame. It's so stupid to think these thoughts and be embarrassed by them, they're perfectly normal thoughts! Yet here I am torn in two, one part saying fuck everything anyone ever told me and the other saying I should break it off now because this will end in disaster.
    I think the thing that I hate the most though, is that even if I was 100% on board with these thoughts I wouldn't be able to say them yet. We've been together for years sure, but we haven't had the chance to live together yet and we're both still building our 'careers.' They're words that I can't say anytime soon and thus the other side will always be whispering to stop daydreaming.
    It doesn't help that last weekend I realized my mental health is based of off my relationship with Aster. I was so stupid! How could I make Aster my antidepressant? It's not like I did it on purpose. My worst and first depressive funk was escaped due to Aster, he took an interest, we started dating and I started to smile more often. Didn't really think too much on it, but last weekend I realized I made a mistake and now I don't know how to fix it.
    I was depressed for a solid two weeks recently, just kinda fell into it. It's that time of year where it tends to happen more often so I didn't really think about it, it usually passed after a day or two. It only got worse though and I slowly started to hide from the world. I stopped texting people completely and I stayed in my room as much as possible.
    My thoughts are never good during that time they always lead to self harm, this time though they skipped over that entirely and went straight to a more permanent solution. It was hard, because alone at night or early in the morning it'd be so easy to just go to the forest with a knife in my pocket. I listened to a lot of loud music to try to block some of those thoughts.
    During that time I hadn't really spoken with Aster, he sent a few texts that I half-heartedly replied or completely ignored, until one day I offered to meet him and go for a small walk with Bax. Middle of the week, late in the evening, just a walk.
    In that one hour I had talked more than I had over a week and I smiled and laughed and I felt better, I felt alive, as if I was reminded what the fuck I was living for. And that honest to god scares me.
    How the fuck do I explain to the man I love that 'hey the only reason I'm living is because of you, when we don't talk regularly I get sad because my brain thinks you've finally gotten bored and a tiny part of me wants you to find someone better and move on so that I can leave, because I'm a fucking broken mess.' Yup, no clue how that'd go down in a conversation.
    I don't know how to fix this mess I've made, no way to talk about it, nothing I can do. I keep telling myself to just stop caring because then everything will be easier, but it's not always the case. Not with Aster, because I want to tell him but I'm afraid, so instead I think I'll just cry. That always helps ease the pain a bit.