Blurred Stone

    Recently, I've been finding it hard to do much of anything. I don't really know why either. Maybe it's because the last month of school has been really tough, could just be random seasonal depression or something. Honestly I don't know, it's slightly worrying.
    Not knowing why you find it so difficult to function, to move forward, to do anything really. It seems like it's harder and harder to wake up everyday. I always set an alarm so I don't sleep till noon, forcing myself to go to bed before 2. All to make it easier to get up the next day, to function well on the eight hours of sleep I have in me. It doesn't work though, I wake up and force myself to get out of bed, get dressed, in the mean time debating if I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday or change them.
    Breakfast used to be one of my favorite meals, now I make coffee and find that I have to force myself to eat some toast at least, because I can't function on an empty stomach. I don't have much of an appetite in general anymore. I blamed it on stress earlier, but it's been over two weeks maybe longer and my drive to eat is still at an all time low. I drink plenty of tea and water, force at least one fruit in me and than a sandwich or some kind of grains, but thats usually it.
    Large meals have lost their appeal to me. I've been surviving off of small snacks, an apple, a cup of oatmeal with a banana, some trail mix, wafers with cream cheese and some kind of vegetable. I don't eat much meat anymore, yesterday I had a small chicken sandwich, but before than I haven't really touched the stuff much. I haven't really eaten chocolate either. I bought a huge chocolate bar, about two weeks ago, that I usually eat within three days, I threw a third of it out yesterday because I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Luckily I still crave sweets, but it's usually cookies that aren't very intense.
    When you don't eat you're sort of lethargic, so I have less of a drive to do much of anything. There is little reason to leave the house, I tend to stay in my room. I've been finding it so hard to write this past month. I've tried at least once a week and all of that has resulted in are three or four half started drafts that are never going to be finished. I'm not even sure if I'll finish this, or if I'll post it just to show that I'm still alive.
    It's exam season, the time I should be studying my ass off, but my brain is just on power saving mode. It's so hard to force myself to sit down and study. I don't understand why this is happening, whats going on. I started exercising again, I was writing more, I was talking with people outside of school more, hadn't done anything too stupid with Aster. Now it feels like I've taken five steps back and the me that did all those things is just a clone who only took my good habits. I have two exams tomorrow that I should be studying my ass off for, yet my brain just says why bother. I should care about this, this decides my future, but all I think is whats the point?
    Life is after all just one big distraction, but all of my distractions seem to have stopped working on me. It feels like I'm just an empty shell, that's waiting to be cracked open. Not so I can grow into something better, but to just be able to crumble into dust and be done with whatever this is.

It's so quiet.

Everything around me is still.

The willow's branches have stopped rustling.

The fireflies no longer glow.

The pond has dried up.

The flowers have wilted.

Everything in my mind is dead.

The only light leads to the empty gravestone at the cliffs edge.

Wait, it's not empty anymore.

Gibberish

    I'm warning anyone that reads this right now. Everything that you're about to read is love sick bullshit from an emotionally stunted human, so you will most likely be super fucking bored. With that said if you don't want to read this shit, than don't, something more interesting will probably pop up in a weeks time.

    It usually happens when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'll be trying to focus on my breathing so I'm not laying in bed for over an hour failing to lose consciousness and he pops into my head. It's not even subtle because for the past few months my brain will go straight to him. It's like I'm just laying there failing at sleeping and my brain goes 'I wonder how his day went? Wonder if he's sleeping yet? I should text him tomorrow. I want to see him.'
    That is usually where the thought process ends because I tend to cut myself off. If I dwell on it too long I start to feel empty and sad, just not things I want to feel right before bed. Still it's been happening so much to me recently that I'm not even surprised by it anymore nor annoyed.
    At first I felt sort of like a stalker, it just seemed weird to go to bed thinking of him and feeling sad that he wasn't laying in the empty spot next to me. It's like seriously human, you sound like some widowed old lady or creepy, obsessive stalker. Doesn't help that I always write down the days and hours he works. Its so I don't accidentally text him when he has a 6 o'clock shift! Ya, is it really just that though?
    It's not just at night, during the day I'll be spacing out and my brain will just drift to him, replaying some kind of recent fun memory with him or thinking of texting him. Just sitting in the lecture hall pretending to listen and my brain will conjure his smile or chameleon eyes.
    Ugh, it's even worse when I see a blond ponytail. I know it's not him, that's not the right shade, length, he wouldn't be here blah, blah, blah. What do I do? Look after the human anyways because what if it is him? My heart always quickens just a tiny bit, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe it is him. It never is though.
     What is this behavior? What are these emotions? I don't completely understand and that which comes to mind is so scary. I want to run away, but my heart breaks at just the thought of doing such a horrible thing. Not to mention what he would feel.
    We were suppose to meet up saturday and go to a party with the drinking gang, but I felt like shit so I just curled up on the couch in the living room, next to the fire for warmth and snoozed while watching a movie for an hour. I left my phone upstairs and when I went to get my laptop from my room, where my phone was I found three text messages and two missed calls all from him. When I was about to text back he ends up calling again, so i finally answer not that I ignored all the other calls, I just hadn't heard them. My phone is perpetually on vibrate.
    I'm surprised to find him asking if I'm alright and if everything is ok, because it's unusual for me not to respond quickly to a text when we had plans. Am I a shitty person for being surprised that he was so worried? We've been together for 2,5 years now, so it's not strange that we care for each other, but I'm always surprised when I hear panic in his voice or anger concerning me, because as usual I do something stupid. Now I'm wondering if he ever thinks about me and that's a bad path to go down.
    We were suppose to live together starting at the beginning of the month and I was sure he'd move in last week, but he never did, even after I told him that the room was all set up so he could bring his stuff over whenever. He has a key, so he literally can bring his things at any time. Now I'm thinking if he's changed his mind and he no longer wants to live together. It's understandable because he'd be living with my father and grandmother as well which could take some getting used to, but if that's the case than I.
    I was looking forward to it so much and I keep thinking about it and him and I was so excited and now if it not going to happen than. Sigh, I'm acting like a spoiled child again. It's just I've been looking forward to it for so long. Ever since I got a taste for it in july my mind has constantly been drifting towards that idea and a life with Aster (and Bax of course), just seems so appealing.

    I don't know what I want from life. 

    When they asked me what I wanted after high school my reply was something like this 'A decent job that pays the bills and a place for myself.' It was so vague and still is. There is little that I know that I want and suddenly my brain has decided that I want Aster to be a part of my life and I want to be a part of his.
    I don't want to only see him once a week, because we only have time for that. I want to wake up next to him, be annoyed at him for sleeping so long, bother him when he's being grumpy, avoid him when he tries to get me to play games with him and his friends. I want to see all of his sides, the good, the bad, the grumpy, the sleepy, the sick, the annoyed, the caring, the angry, the loving one that only I see.
    I want to just call him and try to subtly ask if he still wants to move in or if he's changed his mind. If it's the first one than I'd offer to help and propose to do it the next day if he can and if it's the latter than pretend to be perfectly okay and understanding while my heart cries on the inside.
    There's a part of me that's screaming to shut up, to just bottle all of this inside, because these feeling will just rip me apart at a moments notice and I'll go right back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm so impatient, but I've been waiting for so long and I just want it to happen now.
    I know it won't be glamorous, far from it, as Larkspur has happily showed me with her hubby, but I want to experience it with Aster. I want to see if we like living with each other and that our relationship can continue moving forward. Because there's this awful thought inside me that keeps trying to surface, but I always ignore it.

Do you know what promise rings are?

    You know how when a partner proposes to the other and when they get married they tend to both wear gold bands for the rest of their lives? It's like that except instead of getting married, each partner gets a ring for the other and they promise themselves to each other. There's no marriage ceremony or shit, just a promise between two people to always stay with the other.

I'm starting to think I want that with Aster.....

    This one thought is causing me to cry and curl in on myself, because it's so very terrifying to me. How could I possibly have fallen so god damn fucking hard that my brain is coming up with this bullshit. Yet, here I am laughing and crying at the same time because I'm a stupid fucking moron.
    I'll never have the courage to say this to Aster, I'm barely able to tell him I love him because I'm a broken mess. So scared of saying such things, because everyone around me who's ever fallen in love has come out of it broken and bitter. I'm already broken, but I don't want to be bitter about something so warm, heartfelt.
    I don't have the strength to talk to Aster about this, afraid of stupid what ifs, that my brain easily comes up with. Still I always say that the next time I see him I will tell him I love him, so I feel less guilty, but I never do. It always dies on my lips, my tongue loses it's strength, it's the same with complements. Why is it so hard to just randomly tell someone they're beautiful? I thought I built up my confidence again, but I question it sometimes, because during key moments I always seem to fail.

FUCK.

    This was suppose to be short, cause I'm suppose to be thinking about school and crap, yet this thing is super long and it's just me babbling about something stupid. I started writing so I wouldn't feel so sad because I probably won't see Aster for at least another week, making it two, but I feel even more shitty.

Sorry for wasting anyones time. I'm just gonna go back to pretending I know what I'm doing.

Ballad of a Shinigami- Tribute

    "This is the third time this week," says a young, pale, completely white girl while she casually floats in the air. Her most distinguishable features are her bright red shoes and a large scythe that she tends to sit on. She claims to be a shinigami by the name of Momo and there is usually a cat with her but he seems to be absent today. "Well," she asks floating closer, "are you or are you not going to jump?"

    "Why can't you just take my life?"

    Here she sighs as if we've been over this a million times, we practically have since I've been able to see her for over a month now. "I can't, as you well know it. I'm suppose to guide your dead soul not take it from you." 

    She seems to be slightly put out, but I just give her a tiny smile as I sit at the edge of the old, abandoned building. "Sorry."

    I only hear a sigh as she decides to sit next to me, "It's so rare for a soul to have a constantly changing death date. Honestly, it's a bit irksome." I try apologizing again, but she beats me to the punch, "Don't go saying stuff that's not your fault."

    "In this case, isn't me killing myself my fault?"

    "Well yes, but generally everyone has a natural death date. That changes once someone is fairly decided on finishing themselves." I nod as she explains this, probably not something she should be telling me, but for all I know I actually will kill myself today so she won't get in trouble. "What's keeping you?" She asks while looking out into the distance.

    "Not much," I say wanting to be vague but she gives me a glare, making me continue, "I'm finding it hard to make my place here." Here I make a hand gesture encompassing the town before us. "Its just I'm on this path and I'm not sure if I should even be here. At first it was okay and I kept at it so I passed one year, but than it got harder and harder and now I feel like Sisyphus, everything I do is pointless and I shouldn't be here. I'm not good enough or smart enough, but this is whats supposed to determine my future. Yet her I am struggling at every lesson and feeling worse and worse. It's easy to smile and joke so that others don't feel stress, but inside I feel like I'm about to burst." I can't help but tear up as I curl in on myself. "I just keep wondering if I should go down this path, but honestly its too late to change it."

    There's silence for a while between us as I continue wallowing and she seems to think. "That does sound rough, so what's keeping you from jumping?" Here she stares deep into my eyes, seems even the ageless shinigami is curious as to why I'm still here. 

    "It's not my time yet, the deadline hasn't arrived yet."

    "Deadline," she asks curious. "You have a chosen date?" 

    "Well it's not a date but a year, I promised myself to live until than at least. See what life throws at me and at least try to do something. It seems morbid, but it kept me from killing myself at 17. It's been almost five years since than."

    "So what is your death date then?" She asks seeming interested, "Or the general year?"

    I only smile at her though, "Your magic notebook doesn't say when it is?" 

    "Please if it had the year, you wouldn't be seeing me as much as you do now." Still she pulls out the little book and starts flipping through the pages, after a moment she makes a surprised sound. "This wasn't there before but there's a year next to your name now. So that's the year you chose. Huh, still got some time, means I won't have to keep finding you." She stands and floats in front of me, "But I'll drop by every once in a while until you stop seeing me." 

"What happens when I stop seeing you?"

"It means you decided to live."