An Honest Talk

    My father and I rarely have a 100% honest conversation. Why is that? Well it stems from the fact that there is always this invisible barrier that keeps us from being totally and completely honest with ourselves. It tends to mostly happen with just family for some reason. It's like everyone has that one Aunt that always says whats on her mind, she asks the most uncomfortable questions and no one likes her because of this, but they also won't admit that they themselves are curious as to the answer of these questions. Well I have an Aunt like that but my father and I avoid her like the plague, been a long while since I've seen her actually.
    The point of this post, get to the point human! This christmas eve the two of us went to my dads close friends house where we both drank plenty of alcohol. At one point the friends family goes into the living room to exchange some presents so we stay in a different room where my dad asks a question that he admits has been on his mind for a while.

Why am I with Aster? 

    For him it's a complete mystery especially when he compares him to Zin who he has gotten to somewhat know over the past few months. Saying that when Zin comes over he brings food sometimes, he gave me a christmas present even though he really didn't have to and in general seems to care more.
    That is how my father described it, he feels that Aster doesn't look like he cares enough about me and even asked if I'm sure that he really does have feelings for me. It's sort of understandable that my father is asking this, because when he fell in love with my mother he fell, hard.
    He told me how he slept with a picture of her that he looked at every night. How he would drive an hour long drive everyday just to eat lunch with her. The way he described their relationship in the beginning well, it was very intense. They were obviously both fueled by their emotions which is understandable, but it's also the complete opposite of Aster's and my relationship.
    We were really slow, mostly because of me being scared, but still there was distance and we took our time. There wasn't a need to rush and just looking back over how we've grown together it's obvious, in my opinion at least, that we both care for each other.

Whenever we don't see each other for longer than a week our hugs last just a second longer and are just a tad tighter.

 If we're meeting with friends for drinks and we're not meeting up earlier than them, than we take a minute to hang back from the group to have a few moments to ourselves. 

We consult on which days we should take off from work that way we can meet up at least once a week. 

Once a year I give Aster a hand written story that usually stars him and he never once has complained about getting such a gift. The genuine smile he tends to have when I insert inside jokes or routines can't be faked. 

    I've gotten comments that say we have habits that usually don't form until after more than a few years of dating, but somehow we've been doing them since year one. My mother, despite never having met Aster, claims we act like an old married couple. 
    I don't really know how to respond to such comments. We just do as we do, we enjoy being with each other but that doesn't mean we always have to be doing something together. So sometimes he'll play with his friends online and I'll be sitting next to him reading, drawing, watching and well thats enough. We've been hanging out and I've gotten calls from my mother and he's just hung out in the room either trying to listen or just spacing out while looking at stuff online.
     There are so many things that we do, but the one thing that we haven't done that seems to be the deciding factor for many is the honeymoon phase. I've only seen it once with Larkspur and her hubby, but it's not something that Aster and I have ever done. We never texted every single day, or hung out all the time 24/7. There has never been a time where we just couldn't keep our lips from touching or keep from talking about the other. Neither of us have shouted to the world that we have a better half, at least I know I haven't and I don't think Aster has. If I recall correctly a part of his family didn't believe that I existed because I was mentioned a few times in passing by Asters mother and not him himself.
    I feel as if I'm walking in circles trying to explain something that's unexplainable. There's a side of Aster only I get to see and there is a side of me that only Aster gets to see. It's something I think we both treasure because it only belongs to the other. How else are you suppose to notice the softening of the other persons eyes, the way the other leans in to your body heat, that goodbye hugs last longer than hello hugs? There are so many tiny, little things that give everything away, you'll always find the other if they are in the nearest vicinity, your eyes just tend to naturally gravitate towards them, when you're in an uncomfortable situation but they're in the room with you, you feel just a bit better, it's just enough to get you through.
    At this point I'm just running in circles, trying to explain the unexplainable. I keep mentioning these tiny random details, that I'm not sure if anyone even understands. I know if my father read this than he would be just as confused if not more so than in the beginning. Because honestly how the fuck am I suppose to explain my relationship with Aster?

Oh wait here's the beauty of it, I don't. 

    This thing that Aster and I have between us that has been growing and ever so slowly blooming, well this, it's ours and ours alone. It helps that our families accept it, but it's annoying when they ask why. After all I've been writing for over and hour and still feel like I could write and write.
    You haven't been what we've been through. Super cliché and all that bullshit, but really how else am I suppose to summon it up? There's no way I'll summarize the few arguments we've had, nope way too fucking personal. Nor shall I go in depth on the few times we've been completely vulnerable to the other. It's something I wish to keep to myself, plus I think Aster might just get pissed.
    All I know is that despite the fact that I was super scared and emotionally broken, Aster stayed. While he seems to look like a very composed, logical and sometimes cold, I found that he emits a warmth that cocoons me and makes me feel safe. We both care for each other, that much I know.
    How much we care for one another, well only the other can answer that and why bother bringing such a thing into words when really everything is said through the tiniest of gestures that only the other can see.

Sometimes you just have to cry

    This is week has been, emotional. Well I say week, but it's like from sunday to wednesday, so these past four days. It's a week before the holidays, which just makes me sad on the inside, monday I had a huge test from java which was super stressful, tuesday I had a work 'holiday party' that I was sort of looking forward to then evacuated it within an hour.
    While today I was looking forward to seeing my old polish tutor, but she got sick, so we couldn't see each other. Wonder when I'll get to see her next? To top it all off I was an asshole to probably my only close friend in Poland and he was just trying to help. I'm sorry Zin. I just, uh I don't know how to explain, how do I explain anything.
    Maybe, because recently there's this little voice in my head saying I don't belong here. I shouldn't be here. GET OUT! Whenever I enter the uni building this little voice keeps popping into my head. Reminding me and torturing me. I almost prefer the one telling me that this is all pointless and I should just finish it. Although after what I went through today that's probably a bad idea, cause I just might go through with it.
    It hurts starting school, being annoyed that you have to go, but sort of excited cause you're advancing forward. You've made friends and acquaintances, you feel just a bit more confident, you almost start to think you can do this, but than you're slapped in the face. It starts to get harder and you start to struggle, you're juggling school, work and your mental health. It's all one big bundle of chaos, but you manage for a month, a month and a half, then you start to feel the weight.
    The voice slowly crops up. 'You aren't suited for this.' It says as you struggle to grasp a simple concept that everyone else seems to understand immediately. 'You're too stupid for this.' It shouts at you while you struggle forward trying to ignore it. Ignore the laughing, this isn't high school, this isn't my first year. I've gotten better, I'm not stupid, you don't need to kick me out, please.

I'm trying.

    Everyones moving so quickly I just can't keep up. It feels like my first two years of high school here all over again. It's a feeling I hate, because it's where my depression originated from. You could call it the soil to my sadness plant.
    Today I even got the urge, which is something that I havn't experienced in a long time. I almost picked up a knife, my brain went so far as to think about making tiny cuts all around my fingers so that it looked like I got hurt at work from glass. I didn't do it, but that fact that I felt the need to just proves today is a really fucking shitty day.
    It probably doesn't help that I haven't really written anything concrete on here for a long while, just mostly metaphorical stuff. Cause why talk about my emotions when I can just elude to them? Maybe one day I'll learn, but knowing me that won't happen for a long time, heck I might die before than.
    Still I cried today, it was comforting, but I still feel like I could cry more, like there are still tears hidden behind my eyes just waiting to explode. Its not easy to cry sometimes, even though I know I feel better after doing so.
    Maybe I'm still under stress from everything around me. And my happy go lucky mask has been cracking under the pressure over the past few days. Today it finally shattered, not at the right time though. I apologize once again Zin.
    I just didn't know how to respond to 'Are you okay? Because I've never seen such a sad and devastated look like that before.' It's weird how much someone else noticing and acknowledging, hurts and terrifies me. Which is laughable, because it's something I always wanted, but when it did happen I pushed them away and ran.
    Aster's moving in soon, less than a month in fact. I'm so excited and happy and just over joyed. The feels man, the god damn mother fucking feels. Too many emotions for me to describe honestly, but it's days like these where I wonder how he would act.
    What he would think of me when I'm like this, will he think less of me? Would he throw me away, realizing I'm just a shell of a human thats been carelessly glued back together? I rather not think such things, but than I also wonder if he has similar sad days? Or maybe he just has angry ones? Does he ever go through any unexplainable emotional days? They are questions that I'll never ask, but maybe answers will still be gained.
    Him moving in is one of the only things I'm looking forward to, because honestly next month is going to be a shitty month. Exams are right around the corner, shit is going to hit the fan and who knows if I'm going to be prepared. I'm planning to study a good chunk of holiday break, polish up my java skills, gotta work on math and maybe toss in a little C to balance everything out.
    It's all a plan, but I really do need to do it or else January is going to be an even bigger stress bomb. Is it wrong that I'm feeling done with everything and i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep till my body gives out? I'm thinking about so many things recently and it's just making my brain hurt.
    I keep thinking about exams at the end of this semester, the fricking classes that will happen if I pass this semester, I don't even want to know what will happen if I fail this semester, nope nuh ugh. I keep wanting to move out and live with Aster and Bax in our own home, I want to stop thinking about the amount of money on my bank account and how I need to save as much as possible for when Larkspur visits or how I know my workplace will fire me if they aren't making enough money.
    I'm also fighting the urge to buy a nintendo switch and getting the breath of the wild game as well, because I know I will immediately get sucked into playing it. An open world rpg, the best kind of escapism.
    So many worries and thoughts, that are completely knew and I just don't know how to process them all. I just want to curl up into Asters side, because that's the only time the voices shut up. I'm so tired, but it doesn't matter if I go to sleep, because I will still end up lying awake.
    Adulting is hard. Life is god damn bloody difficult. I want to be done with so many fucking things, but I can't. I have to finish them. I have to go through with them. This is just the beginning, gotta put up with all the crap. In the mean time I gotta find a new stress reliever or something or else I'm going to explode.

Shoot me, please for all that is holy, Jashin fucking damn it, shoot me.

I tried to move on

You're at the edge, finally. After taking so many flights of stairs, you're finally at the top. There was a working elevator, but this is the last time you'll get to use your legs, so you might as well put them to work. You sit at the edge or the building, calm and collected for once not worried about life, the inner turmoil felt on a daily basis is silent.

 It's a pleasant feeling one that you relish in for a moment. There's a fence blocking anyone from jumping from the building with little spikes at the top to keep idiots from doing anything stupid. You couldn't care less about the spikes though and hop onto the fence, ignoring the pain in your hands from touching a few of the spikes at the top. 

Still you manage to pass the fence and situate yourself just on the other side, feet neatly dangling off the side of the building. You can feel the adrenaline rushing through you, and the fear that's screaming to go back, but you refuse, because what awaits is so much more. You want this, so badly that you feel your soul sing. 

When was the last time you felt this way, since... 

You stop thinking immediately, those are bad thoughts, thoughts that will only ruin this moment. Instead you bring your attention to the sky and sigh in peace, can't see a single star cause of all the city lights, it's just smog on gray. 

So instead you close your eyes and picture the sky as it used to be when you were just a child. The milky way springs fourth, followed by the big dipper, your nose starts to pick up the scent of burning wood and a crackling of a fire. 

There's laughter and talk, the smell of cheap beer is in the air along with juicy sausages. You can feel a heat around you, but the source mostly comes from you're right. It's comforting and its making your stomach do strange things, you're tired and want to sleep, but right now you don't want to move from this very spot because that was the beginning of.... 

Tears spring fourth, because it's been so long since... 

How many years has it been? 

You tried so hard to continue moving forward, but no matter how much help you got, no matter how hard you tried everything just felt empty. Your chest once filled in a single moment became empty all over again and no matter how much medication you took, no matter how many times you cut, no matter how many time you ate only to bring it all back up, you still felt so very empty. 

You couldn't keep moving forward after that... after... 

I'm sorry, so very sorry. 

I just couldn't do it. 

No matter what I did this empty feeling inside just wouldn't go away. Tears spring fourth and you let them roll down you're face. Slowly you stand, you remove your jacket and hang it on the fence to make it easier for the police, then you remove your wallet and from a pocket you extract a tiny letter that you stick inside. The wallet is layed right behind you and you hope it's not lost, because that note should be read.

 An apology to those you're leaving behind.

 Finally you turn and stand at the edge, you don't look down, instead you close your eyes, your final thoughts go through your mind, a few last images of the happier times when you didn't feel so hollow inside, before finally all you feel is the wind in your hair and darkness consuming you. 

Coping Method

    December has always been a bad month for me. Well always is an overstatement, since december was fine up until a few years ago, four or five if you want to get specific. That was the first christmas where it was just my father and I. The rest of the family was leagues away, split.
    That very first christmas, we didn't really celebrate, instead we went on a small vacation. First marakesh, then paris and finally stopped in brussels where my dads friend invited us for a misfit christmas dinner. No one there was blood related, it was just a bunch of people who didn't have any family to spend the holidays with so they made one big dinner party. That didn't feel like christmas, instead I took it as a party where I got to meet quite a few interesting people.
    The following year was more christmas like, my grandmother, father and I went over to our first cousins house. This was new and something that we'd never done before, but it also just felt like a formal dinner occasion. Where everyone ignored my snobby aunt and enjoyed the delicious food. This felt more like thanksgiving for me, so that's how I treated it.
    The next year my brother came for the holidays so we took another trip, this time with my dads friend and his son. We went to the mountains, visited the local area and passed the time by enjoying ourselves. That year christmas passed without much notice.
    It was after this year that I started to forget the date of christmas eve and start to loath christmas songs more than I did before. Now last year was where my emotions for this holiday seemed to have cemented. I went back to the states. It was only two weeks, but it was an emotional roller coaster. Everyone tried to act like we used to, 7 or 8 years ago, before the move. Let us all be merry and pretend everything is right with the world, but hidden underneath were just bottled up negative emotions that seemed to burst every evening.
    This was the only time I eagerly took up alcohol. It was christmas day and I spent most of it with a small buzz, not enough to make me feel it the next day or lose any control of myself, but enough to give me some 'liquid support.' I was relieved when I didn't have to spend new years with my relatives and even more so when I left not three days later. It's an experience I never really want to  repeat.
    Now it's December again, the time everyone seems to be fucking merry and I just want to curl into a ball and hide away till the new year. I hate when my brain brings up old memories of 'happier' days or when a christmas carol gets stuck in my head. I want to bash my brain against the wall till it stops, the song or my heart. Despite all of this I still have to function, still have to move forward and just try not to focus on anything from the past.
    It helps that my father has pretty much completely dropped any christmas 'traditions' that we once did and doesn't force me into anything. The only thing my father knows is that I don't like the holidays anymore, so he doesn't expect me to take part in them. The only thing I'm obligated to do is eat dinner with my grandmother and her family, our family. The rest of the time I just focus on trying to get through the month and instead of resorting to past measure I have discover a different method that is less ugh, scaring.
    I have a binder that almost completely flattens me, with the correct shirt it's hard to tell if I have anything there at all. This is key to my method, because this is what helps me become Mati. Who's Matis? Well they are a genderless individual, who doesn't mind if you refer to them as a male or female. They have no family and are just an average human being. Mati doesn't have problems with their emotions, doesn't have a dark history, doesn't really talk much, doesn't have anyone in their live.
    Mati is Mati and they just exist. It seems very silly, but this helps me out on tough days. If Nast can't get out of bed, than let Mati face the world instead. It's easier that way, better than letting the darkness creep back in.