I long for a freedom that I'll never achieve

    I got a job recently. It was my first real job. When I say real I mean people don't come asking for you to help and than they pay you. I mean I had to send an email with my CV and than hope they'd call. All of august I sent out tons of CV's, mostly to clothing stores, there was one pet store and I even tried the library, but they weren't hiring.
    When I wasn't job searching I was clearing my room of unnecessary things. Throwing things away, clearing out my closet of clothes I hadn't warn in years, giving away jewelry that I'd somehow acquired over the years but never worn. It was difficult at some points, because it sort of felt like I was losing pieces of myself slowly but surely.
    The worst part was when I was going through my books. That probably killed me the most. Which books am I sure I'm never going to touch again? The ones that I knew I'd never read were donated to the library. At least they aren't lost forever and will be put to good use. The only thing I didn't touch was my manga collection, I don't think I'd ever really be able to part with that.
    The whole time I was doing this I made sure my father was completely unaware. Cleaning, organizing and throwing things out/ donating them were done during his work hours, so he'd never notice. I'm pretty sure he never realized my room looked more spars, by now it's turned into the norm. Still all of august I searched for work, anything really because not only did I need something to pass the time, but I want to move out.
    It's slowly getting harder and harder for me to live with this man that pays all the bills and gives me free money. At first glance I pretty much live the spoiled 'rich' kid life or whatever the fuck you want to call it, but when you look deeper it's not like that.
    Warning this is just my complaining about the father skip ahead if you don't want to read this shit. First he almost never cleans up after himself. He will always leave the kitchen a mess after he's done using it, he won't put dirty plates into the dish washer, he rarely cleans pots and pans after using them for dinner, he leaves bread crumbs and sticky spots all over the counter top. When he makes breakfast for himself and his girlfriend sometimes he just leaves the mess, because the magical fairy will come and clean it up.
    Honestly the only times he cleans up after cooking in the kitchen is when I tell him I'm not cleaning this up. That's probably my biggest pet peeve; having a clean kitchen. I couldn't give a bigger shit if my rooms messy or if the bathroom hasn't been properly cleaned in a month, nope don't give a single shit, but the kitchen well that drives me insane.
    It's not like it's an unreasonable thing, the kitchen is where you cook food and where you eat and store it too, so it should be kept clean. That way your food doesn't have random dirty debris in it. Other little things include never emptying the dish washer when it's clean nor turning it on when it's full. Listening to the television obnoxiously loud. And getting upset over silly little things. There's probably more, but nothings coming to mind, so I'm gonna move on.

Rant over.

    Those are just some of the reason as to why I want to move out, even though I know I'd lose so many things from leaving, but I crave the faux freedom more than this dead environment. I want to live with Aster and Bax, even if that meant I'd have to take allergy pills every day, even if I'd have to magically balance work and uni just to pay the bills and get that stupid degree this world requires of me.
    I'd be okay with that, because I would no longer be stuck in this empty shell of a house. The only place I feel comfortable is my room, because it's one of the newer parts of the house and the only memories in there are of my brother and I, but mostly me. Maybe I wouldn't feel this inner storm if I could live with Aster, my room is big enough that it could fit the both of us easily along with Bax, but my father would never fucking agree to such a thing. We had a conversation about a year back where he told me that he would never allow Aster to live with me, because he wouldn't feel comfortable about it. At the time I understood and saw no problem with it, now though?
    Now I feel such a strong pull towards Aster that it kills me sometimes. That small trip where I got to wake up next to him every single day, was the most wonderful thing on the planet. So when I had to go home after that and sleep alone, it just about killed me. One night I actually cried, because the feeling of cold emptiness inside me physically hurt.
    I just hated it and as stupid as this sounds ever since than I've been longing for that once again. That time where I was only really responsible for myself, Aster and Bax. I didn't have to think about my behavior and what I needed to do in order for my father to leave me alone or what I shouldn't do. I got a taste of such a beautiful thing, a what if scenario and now I long for it.
    Thus I searched for and managed to somehow acquire a job that I even enjoy to a certain degree, while also trying to rid my room of unnecessary things. At the moment though it really is just a silly dream. For I haven't really spoken to it about Aster and I know I wouldn't be able to just move out without my father noticing.
    Both are difficult conversations for me, that I can't seem to bring up. How do I just randomly ask Aster if he would seriously consider moving in with me sometime before the end of the year or the beginning of the next?

 Easy you just say it. 

    I wish I could just out right say that, but as I very well know I'm a fucking coward. I almost wish I could just send him this post, because it'd be a million times easier, but that'd be cheating wouldn't it? As for my father, if I ever get past the convo with Aster and am seriously unable to move out without him noticing, well than I guess I'll just have to sit him down and tell him I'm blowing this joint.

Life is just...

Life is just a bunch of distractions.

They're all rolled into one steady path that keeps you from ever realizing such a silly thing.

First it's school.

You've got at least 12 years of distractions from that, not even including all the things that could come from the environment school supplies for you. Friends, enemies, crushes, hormones, homework, hobbies, so many things can just POP up and distract you from one major detail. 

After school it's either college or a job, some half-assed goal that will keep you moving forward, either one provides enough of a distraction that you don't think about much of anything else. Instead you're focusing on your future, maybe looking for that other half or enjoying the single life. 

Either way it's enough and you keep moving forward looking towards having a family, living the life of luxury, adventure, passionate love whatever you want to do.

All the while you're unaware that everything you're doing is just another task to keep you going. Another tiny goal that will keep you from thinking too much, because why would you want to think about that. 

It's such a trivial thing, but at the same time once you realize it, well it shakes you to your core. 

You live to continue doing your self assigned tasks, whether that's provide for someone, continue to have the funds to do what you love or maybe you're just going along with social norms, it doesn't really matter. 

For it all comes to an end eventually. 

This list of things you want to do or 'have' to do all come to a stop when your light flickers out. Whether it's with grace or not eventually everyone ends up in that situation. Some really never realize what they did was just a bunch of self-appointed tasks meant to give them more meaning in their lives, they're lucky bastards.

Some come to that conclusion way to early in their lives and when they do, they can't help but look at everything around them and think- pointless.

 Why should I find myself something to do? 

What's the point in doing this? 

How come it's so difficult to ignore this?

It's so difficult to reach out when the only thing ringing in your ears is;

'Life, well life is just a bunch of distractions and then,

well then you die.'