It's not our fault

I used to think it was impossible to understand such a person.

That their lives would be so difficult that they would resort to such measures.

It was such a strange thought for me, my younger self, for how could someone stoop so low as to think such thoughts, consider such actions.

It just goes to show you how much of a green horn I once was, still probably am.

I found it difficult to understand such things, thinking if they had the proper outlook and just kept a positive attitude they'd be able to overcome it. 

I think differently now.

These days I'm aware of why people fall into such habits, why they think that it's their only option, why it's the only way they could get better.

Honestly, most people can't understand such thoughts, unless they themselves have had them or have helped a family member/ close friend deal with them. 

I use the word habit, because that is what it can become, that is how you fall back into it. 

Not only is it a habit, it's a reliance, a lifeline, something that helps you stay in control, gives you control of at least one thing. 

You're not helpless, you aren't weak, because you have control over that one thing, you and only you are in charge of it. 

Those thoughts are what keep you going, what keep you coming back, keep you from moving forward. 

That's normal. 

It's understandable.

It's a circle that sometimes never ends. 

At first you do it once, mostly because you need to do something. These things inside you, your stomache, your gut, worse your head they tell you something has to be done. 

So you do it, telling yourself just this one time and then never again. Of course that a lie, although you aren't aware of it at the time. 

This repeats a couple more times, until you now know there is no point in lying to yourself, because you've become dependent on this action. 

You're almost at a point of no return, not that you notice this because you're too busy trying to keep your head above water. 

Soon this takes over your life, very subtly of course. 

It's often at the back of your mind, you think of ways to hide it, when your going to do it next, what kind of excuse you'll make up in case you ever get caught. How will you react when you get caught?

 Will you laugh it off? 

Maybe start to cry? 

Get angry and confrontational? 

There are so many ways to go about this, but really it's about who will catch you. These thoughts never last long, sometimes they are outright shoved out of your brain. 

After all no one cares enough to notice all the hints you let out, all the differences that they could easily see if they just looked, so there's no worry of ever being caught. 

No one cares enough.

There are moments, small tiny lucid moments when you want to ask for help, but you quickly dismiss such thoughts.

This is your problem, you deal with it. 

Here is where the path splits some will go one way, others another. 

Sometimes you find help or help comes to you, either by accident or on purpose. Still the help comes and you're angry at first, but also secretly greatful to this new light that seems to help, that soothes you over. 

Eventually you do get better, you stop with the habit you were once so dependent upon because your okay with not having control. 

You know that it's okay not to have control.

The other path continues to spiral downward, getting steeper and steeper until finally there really is nothing left for you. 

Your life revolves around your habit and your dependency on it. 

Eventually your light fades away from this world either by your own choice or the habit finally being too much. 

It's the ones that get out of the current that have the highest chance of falling back into it. They could go years without there once desired/ needed/ wanted action before falling back. 

It's not our fault, after all it always whispers such sweet nothings into our ears, it takes away the pain, it gives us back a bit of control, helps us steady ourselves. 

Is it really that strange that we would be tempted to fall back into such a coy habit after having known it's embrace before? 

After all, all we want is our own hope, our own life, our own purpose. 

What we're really after though is an escape.

Just Another DayDream

    It's quiet in the small lived in apartment. All the lights are out and it's late in the evening, so you can barely make out what it looks like. What you can see though is fairly average. There's a plain deep blue, three seater couch in front of a small coffee table and a television set with two bookshelves, filled with literature, on either sides.
    Behind the couch is a bit of free area, before you meet countertop and bar stools lined up on one side. The other side is an open kitchen area, that looks fairly neat in the darkness. It seems to be the whole room, although there is a dog crate in one corner and a box filled with toys, most likely for the canine. If there's a dog bed then where's the dogo?
    You notice an open door off the right of the living area and head towards it. Inside you find a large queen sized bed with dark grey sheets and colorful pillows. It's a very lived in room and there are things all over the walls and floors, but you pay them no mind for you know this is where you will find the dog.
    He's easy to spot, laying right in the middle of the bed, curled out on his side breathing deeply. He seems to be asleep and you take your time looking him over. He's scruffy, with white fur and random splotches of black and brown and a tail that seems a tad crooked. You don't recognize the breed, but he sort of looks like a mix between a basset hound and a daschund. Slowly you start to reach out, curious as to what the dog feels like, but before you get the chances the dog jumps up and runs right through you.
    You jump, suddenly broken from your trance and follow after the creature curious as to what he's doing. It isn't until you hear a key unlocking the door that you realize the humans of the house have arrived. The dog went through you so, there is little reason to worry about anyone seeing you, instead you lean against the couch wondering who's about to enter.
    A male walks in and the dog immediately pounces on him. He shouts "Bax!" In exasperation, but you know he's happy as he walks in and pets the excited dog- Bax. It takes you a moment, but you feel like the man who just walked in is very familiar to you. He has long blonde hair, that's tied back in a pony tail, pale white skin and eyes that look blue, but also sort of green. He's wearing dark jeans and a green button down shirt.
    The male doesn't stay for long, because after he greets Bax he puts on the dogs collar and takes him out. You're once again left alone in the apartment. You take the time to continue exploaring, the man will probably be back with Bax soon, so you should snoop while you still can. Returning to the bedroom you can tell the man doesn't live here alone, he has a companion, but it's hard to tell if it's a male or female for most of the items laying around are things that could belong to both sex's.
    You discover another a bathroom, that you avoid not wanting to know what's inside and a find a storage closet and a spare bedroom. Although the bedroom is empty, so you collapse on the couch bored. The place is small and very much lived in, and even though it's foreign to you somehow you find this place calms and relaxs you. The front door opens and you find the familiar male walking back in with Bax, he wrestles with the dogs paws trying to clean them, before giving in and letting the dog run rampant in their home. He just sighs and smiles fondly before looking towards the clock hanging on the wall. Seems he's expecting someone, maybe his fellow flatemate?
    The lights are finally turned on while the male goes to the bedroom and closes the door. The dog immediately runs to the door and seems to wait for the male, you smile at the attachment the dog has towards him. A moment later the man walks in wearing a t-shirt, and the dog jumps on him once again before runing to his toy box. The male plays with him for a couple of minutes and you observe wondering why he seems so familiar, why the situation itself seems to scream at you, but you just don't know.
    After awhile the blonde stands and goes to the kitchen pulling something out of the fridge, before setting the stove. It's then that you notice a single picture frame on the windowsill near the kitchen. You seem to jump towards it with a surprising amount of energy. It seems like a family portrait with Bax in the middle and two humans holding him. You can tell that one is the blonde, but for some reason you can't see the other in detail. They're smaller than the blonde man and have short hair, both of them are smiling laughing even, but who is this other person! Most importantly why do you care so much?
    You sigh in frustration wanting to know, but it's not like you can ask. Then Bax catches your attention when he scrambles to the door jumping on whoever is entering. The blonde says something from the kitchen, but you can't hear anything for some reason. You turn curious as to who the other occupant of the home is, but find that instead of turning you end up opening your eyes and are greeted with sunlight. You're struck with confusion, before you realize you must have fallen into another daydream.

Just another daydream. 

The begining of my masks and other crap

    I find it hard to express my feelings towards others, now at least. It's hard to remember, but I think it was easier for me when I was younger. It was easier to be bold and loud when you were unaware of the consequences of such actions. Even then when I tried to hide my feelings I was easy to read, like a book you could say.
    I couldn't lie with a striaght face, without my voice hitching or my eyes looking away. Now it's almost second nature in a strange fucked up way. It's something my father encouraged once I got older, the ability to lie being a highly useful thing in life.
    At first I was agaisnt such a thing, finding it distasteful and just wrong, but after a while I found it easier to lie in certain situations than it was to tell the truth. It became a slow downfall that I easily embraced and twisted into my own being. A beautiful mask handcrafted by myself and worn only when it was necessary.
    It was towards teachers at first and only half lies, after all the best lie is hidden in a truth. It was easy having already gained their trust earlier by being the calm student in class. Eventually it morphed and I started lying to my family. Such an easy thing to do, specially since it was over the phone and I just had to use the right tone of voice. I was really tested when I saw them all in person, another mask was born then- the good daughter. She said all the right things to make that part of the family happy and easily kept in their good graces.
    That mask has been lost overtime, for I have long since stopped caring what they think of me. It means little to me whether they care for me or not. It's easy to guess that as I grew older more masks were crafted and it became easier and easier for me to switch between them. Sometimes it's difficult to tell whether I'm acting a part or being myself.
    This probably explains my inability to express my emotions and be unable to understand them. Which is a curious thing for I still experience them, but just have difficulty grasping them. It took me the longest time to know what Aster truely meant to me and even then my subconscious had to help me by sending me a strange dream. Although me knowing what he means to me doesn't help if I'm unable to express that feeling towards him.
    One of my guilty pleasures is fanfiction, more speciffically slash/yaoi/boyxboy hint hint nudge nudge. If you don't understand than you're either really innocent or too young to be reading this. Either way you shouldn't be here. Please press Alt+F4. Gone? Good.
    Anyway, I enjoy reading about the steady building of a romantic male relationship, because more often than not both of the protagonists have difficulty discussing their feelings or expressing them in certain ways. That or they go about showing their feelings in the most ludicrous of ways that it's baffling to me that they ever manage to get together in the first place. Alas those boys have the power of an author on their side, which unfortunelty for them means they will somehow end up together.
    Back to my point, because surprisingly there is a point, I find it easy to empathize with these types of characters, the ones that are shy, embarrassed, or emotionally stunted because I'm so much like them in some ways. Finding it difficult to express my love to the one I care for, showing it in such small ways that they will likely never notice such things.
    Holding myself back from taking the lead or just letting myself go. Hesitating, because I'm a coward. That's the main difference between those characters and me they stand up and take charge when they must, me? Well I end up freezing, unable to react unsure of what to say, angry at myself for being so unaware of the needs of my partner and unable to do anything to help them. In those moments I'm worse than scum.
    I'm trying to change though, specially after I royally fucked up not too long ago with Aster and Larkspur ended up breathing down my neck trying to keep herself from strangling me. Since then I've been trying to show more, but it's hard sometimes, because there is still a tiny piece inside of me telling me to hold back because Aster will leave one day, they all do and it will only hurt more.
    It's hard not listening to that voice, but I've found it to be easier after I outright told Aster my fear. 'I'm used to people eventually leaving,' I told him. 'It's just a part of life and something that's a normal occurence in my own.' The obvious that means I'm waiting for you to leave as well went unsaid, still I wonder if he understood it completely. I won't lie to him, not anymore, but I still won't tell him everything. 
    I feel like I'm rambaling about nothing. Still I feel as if I'm in a stump. It's difficult to write recently, but I enjoy writing so this is me forceing something, even though it's just awful. I apologize for this horrendous piece of writing, I'll work on it. Maybe write out my daydream.

Till next time