How far can I go?

    Whenever I wake up it's usually to blackness. My eyes need to adjust in order to get my barrings, so I can see the silouhettes of the surrounding sewers. Today though I open my eyes and am bombarded with brightness. It's nauseous and I almost end up throwing up. I shut my eyes while simultaniously dropping to the floor and I just want it to stop. Stop with the brightness, the colors give me back my soothing grey, because I no longer deserve to be in the light, neither do I want to be in it.
    Amazingly, something seems to hear my inner thoughts, because the brightness get turned down a bit, but it's still light. I hate it. Whenever I get brought here it's dark and cool, sure it's also scary and life threatening, but in some fucked up way it's also calming. This though, isn't. I'm not in the sewers instead I seem to be inside of a bright, white space- a void.
    The white is making me physically ill. It's worse than being inside a hospital, there I could at least focus on the sharp tang of disinfectant. The only thing here though is space and light. I contrast with the room seeing as I'm completely grey, even my skin is a grey-ish hue. It's almost like I'm dead and this is my own personal hell. Am I dead? Really I expected to be dropped into some sort of hell or whatever, but I guess everyone gets their own torture room?

    I'm not sure how I should feel about being dead. It should sadden me, but really the only thing going through my mind is relief and longing. Relief, because I'm done with that fucking chore called living. 

Done with school, done with putting up with my fathers bullshite, my mothers clinginess, all the masks, the people, trying to fit in and getting pushed away. Done with getting crushed, because I tried so hard and even though I gave it my all I still wasn't good enough. Done with all of the bullshite that life decides to throw at me. 

    It's definetly not a normal reaction. Normal, non-suicidal humans would probably cry or get angry at the world, but I can't help but feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

 I'm a selfish person.

 How many nights have I struggled with sleep, because my brain just wouldn't shut up? 

How many times have I swallowed down my aggression towards my father, held back the words that I wanted to sear into his flesh? 

How many times have I lied to my family, promising them things I would never do? 

The constant self-loathing towards myself, for being weak, for always having an excuse to do something or not do something. 

Questiong myself and wondering if I really should still be in school if I shouldn't just run away and be done with all of the things that made me hate myself.

 I'm a terrible human being. 

Because all I can feel is relief. 

    I don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm dead. I finally got what I wanted. I fell asleep and never woke up again. Funny thing, I always joke about death, suicide and dark thoughts. It's a fucked up type of dark humor that I enjoy. I wonder if anyone ever noticed that I was asking for such things? Or maybe I thought if I joked about it more people would suspect me of being incapable of doing such a thing. I wonder if Aster ever figured out why I wear a black glove?
    Only two people know why. One understood after I told her I was cutting. Another I told years after the scars healed and wanted to keep him from doing the same.
    My life wasn't difficult or hard, it was just emotional. So very emotional. That thing that I barely understand and struggle to use aside from the basic's. I wonder if I'd ever get to a point where I understood them, at least a little. I'll never know. Just like I'll never know what Larkspurs life is going to look like.
How Azael is going to move forward. How Aster is going to find himself. I won't get to see so many things.

    That explains the longing.

    Somehow in the white expanse I see a fox, but to be more exact, an arctic fox. Which is amazing, because those fuzzballs are white and that's all there is in this room. It stares at me though, with it's piercing black eyes, beckoning. 'Follow me' they seem to say 'come lets find the weasle.' Then it's off and for some reason I start running after it, because I'm curious and there is little else to do here, but contemplate about my life's choices.
    Sometimes I feel like I lose sight of the fox, but then I spot it again running, until finally it stops and stares straight into my soul. 'Come, let's find the weasle.' It seems to say again, before jumping into the ground. This baffles me and I run up to the spot where it disappeared only to find a hole in the ground.
    It seems to lead into a black abyss and for some reason I hesitate, because as much as the color soothes me it's also a great unknown. Here I'm dead, gone, done with the world and all its bullshite. If I go down there though, I get the feeling that I'll be thrown right back into that shitstorm.
   I sigh sitting near the edge. I finally have what I've been wanting for a while now, but here I have this opportunity to continue. To see other 'interesting' things, see how my precious people make their place in that fucked up world.

Fuck my curiosity, still I want to see how far I can go.