'Pep talk'

    Well this is new. I think looking at the cliffs edge just a few meters away from my willow. There are so many new changes in my mind space recently, it's worrying but I guess it means I'm changing. Guess it's to be expected with were I am in life right now.
    I sigh and take a seat on the edge, allowing my feet to dangle off. It's exhilarating and the only reason I'm not afraid is because I know that the only way I'll fall into the abyss is if I jump myself. Knowing me if I ever jump that will be the death of this mind and most likely the death of my body as well. There's still time though, not a lot but plenty, this is mostly here as a reminder I guess, maybe temptation?
    You could serve many functions, just like the globe room that I've been avoiding, the willow tree that stores memories and the lake that stores loved ones. Everything serves a purpous here, now what's yours? I could stare at the light grey jutting rock for an endless amount of time, but it'd never outright tell me. That's just the way my mind works.
    Sighing I continue staring into the dark depths, wondering if I can convince some of the fireflies to fly farther from the tree so that there's some light over here. Then again there are fewer and fewer of them each time I come here, best to just let the little guys stay near the tree.
    It's easy to curl up and just space out here, so much easier to relax in here than out there. "It's because in here you block out everything." What? Who's that? I say aloud wondering how there could be anybody here.
    There's silence and I only see a dark green human like silhouette climb out from in front of me, scaring the ever living crap out of me. "Please, don't be such a wuss. It's not like you can come to harm here."
    You and I both know that's not true. I reply, glaring at the shadow.
    "So touchy," It seams to smile, "guess I'll push some more buttons."
    You're a fragment of me, aren't you I ask.
    "Pretty much, I'm that laid back persona you tend to put on whenever you're at Uni or with strangers." I nod in understanding, guess I used it so much it came to life here.
    So what brings you here? I ask casually trying to force myself to uncurl myself from around my knees, but unable to. This shadow made me uncomfortable even if I knew it was a part of me.
    "What brings me here?" It seems to perk up and smile evily, "Well this here is a kick your ass into gear talk!" It raises it's hands and does this happy dance.
What? The hell is this dude talking about?
    "First of all, thank you for calling me dude and not it, yes I can hear the things you keep to yourself, thirdly yes this is one of those stupid ass motivational speeches that so many fictional characters get when they're feeling down." They exclaim finishing by putting their hands on their hips. "Now get up and stop being a fucking whiny bitch. We are all sick of it, except for that one bro, but he thrives on your depressed stuck in place shit."
    I can only look on confused wondering what the fuck was going on.
    "Get up." I stand slowly still confused, but soon I'm falling flat on my ass with a stinging cheek. "There that ought to help a bit." They say looking down on me again.
     "Get your head out of that place. This isn't a fucking movie, book or tv show. No one is going to tell you to get your head out of your ass and press the play button. 
    You wanted to be there and by pure dumb luck you got in, now what are you going to just drop out, because you're unsure again, because it's tougher and you're tired. Well listen here asshat cause I don't want to fucking repeat myself. 
    That place, you should finish that. In orcer to do that you need to work hard and study and sometimes take the initiative. Ya, I know that all sounds scary, but you're already slowly starting to do so, this talk here, ya this is just a bit of a push.
    Alright maybe it's more of a shove and a good kick in the ass, but you get the point I hope." They look straight at me and I can feel myself burning, still unsure.
The green shadow sighs and kneels so we're at eye level.
   "Listen here kid, you can do this. You can finish that school, we all know you can, but it will take a bit of work and sweat. You'll be depressed, because you're not the fastest learner and you are a bit of an outcast, but hang in there. Cause all of us believe in you, even if no one else out there does."
    They  bonk me on the head before standing and heading towards the edge. "That will be the conclusion of this little talk. I hope you remember my words, cause I don't feel like coming back up here again. I better not have to." They finish and I could swear they glare at me before jumping down.
    That was so very strange. I slowly stand and make my way over the edge, looking down I still see darkness. Now though I know what's down there and it makes me want to avoid it all the more.
    I sigh, damn now I really have to try if even my own mind is saying I'm not worthless. And that was my laid back persona? I can't help but snort, before deciding to leave.

Said too much

What do you do when you've realized you've said too much?

When you've had a long week and are feeling stressed and exhausted and just need to talk. But instead of complaining about your week like a normal human being, instead you divulge in something that's been weighing on your mind.

 Something that should have stayed in your mind, but you told them.

They're the first person you've ever told this to. You were planing on keep silent till the end, never letting anyone find out and yet you told them.

 Why?

 Now you're unsure because their reaction was weird. There was anger and saddness, maybe betrayal, but in the end they acted normal around you. Nothing seemed to change, nothing was different, but now after a few days have passed you can't help, but wonder. 

Have I now lost them, because I said too much?

How far can I go?

    Whenever I wake up it's usually to blackness. My eyes need to adjust in order to get my barrings, so I can see the silouhettes of the surrounding sewers. Today though I open my eyes and am bombarded with brightness. It's nauseous and I almost end up throwing up. I shut my eyes while simultaniously dropping to the floor and I just want it to stop. Stop with the brightness, the colors give me back my soothing grey, because I no longer deserve to be in the light, neither do I want to be in it.
    Amazingly, something seems to hear my inner thoughts, because the brightness get turned down a bit, but it's still light. I hate it. Whenever I get brought here it's dark and cool, sure it's also scary and life threatening, but in some fucked up way it's also calming. This though, isn't. I'm not in the sewers instead I seem to be inside of a bright, white space- a void.
    The white is making me physically ill. It's worse than being inside a hospital, there I could at least focus on the sharp tang of disinfectant. The only thing here though is space and light. I contrast with the room seeing as I'm completely grey, even my skin is a grey-ish hue. It's almost like I'm dead and this is my own personal hell. Am I dead? Really I expected to be dropped into some sort of hell or whatever, but I guess everyone gets their own torture room?

    I'm not sure how I should feel about being dead. It should sadden me, but really the only thing going through my mind is relief and longing. Relief, because I'm done with that fucking chore called living. 

Done with school, done with putting up with my fathers bullshite, my mothers clinginess, all the masks, the people, trying to fit in and getting pushed away. Done with getting crushed, because I tried so hard and even though I gave it my all I still wasn't good enough. Done with all of the bullshite that life decides to throw at me. 

    It's definetly not a normal reaction. Normal, non-suicidal humans would probably cry or get angry at the world, but I can't help but feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

 I'm a selfish person.

 How many nights have I struggled with sleep, because my brain just wouldn't shut up? 

How many times have I swallowed down my aggression towards my father, held back the words that I wanted to sear into his flesh? 

How many times have I lied to my family, promising them things I would never do? 

The constant self-loathing towards myself, for being weak, for always having an excuse to do something or not do something. 

Questiong myself and wondering if I really should still be in school if I shouldn't just run away and be done with all of the things that made me hate myself.

 I'm a terrible human being. 

Because all I can feel is relief. 

    I don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm dead. I finally got what I wanted. I fell asleep and never woke up again. Funny thing, I always joke about death, suicide and dark thoughts. It's a fucked up type of dark humor that I enjoy. I wonder if anyone ever noticed that I was asking for such things? Or maybe I thought if I joked about it more people would suspect me of being incapable of doing such a thing. I wonder if Aster ever figured out why I wear a black glove?
    Only two people know why. One understood after I told her I was cutting. Another I told years after the scars healed and wanted to keep him from doing the same.
    My life wasn't difficult or hard, it was just emotional. So very emotional. That thing that I barely understand and struggle to use aside from the basic's. I wonder if I'd ever get to a point where I understood them, at least a little. I'll never know. Just like I'll never know what Larkspurs life is going to look like.
How Azael is going to move forward. How Aster is going to find himself. I won't get to see so many things.

    That explains the longing.

    Somehow in the white expanse I see a fox, but to be more exact, an arctic fox. Which is amazing, because those fuzzballs are white and that's all there is in this room. It stares at me though, with it's piercing black eyes, beckoning. 'Follow me' they seem to say 'come lets find the weasle.' Then it's off and for some reason I start running after it, because I'm curious and there is little else to do here, but contemplate about my life's choices.
    Sometimes I feel like I lose sight of the fox, but then I spot it again running, until finally it stops and stares straight into my soul. 'Come, let's find the weasle.' It seems to say again, before jumping into the ground. This baffles me and I run up to the spot where it disappeared only to find a hole in the ground.
    It seems to lead into a black abyss and for some reason I hesitate, because as much as the color soothes me it's also a great unknown. Here I'm dead, gone, done with the world and all its bullshite. If I go down there though, I get the feeling that I'll be thrown right back into that shitstorm.
   I sigh sitting near the edge. I finally have what I've been wanting for a while now, but here I have this opportunity to continue. To see other 'interesting' things, see how my precious people make their place in that fucked up world.

Fuck my curiosity, still I want to see how far I can go.