Don't belong

    Im back in this place, this building, this country, these streets this once was home away from home. Now though, everything feels so wrong. My spirite is screaming at me to pack my bags and leave. Leave this place and the people inside, because this is wrong I don't belong here anymore, this is the past and it should be kept that way. Yet, I'm here and from the first few hours it just felt wrong. My aunt seems to glare at me or give me the cold shoulder as if she were jealous or annoyed with me. What have I done? I haven't even been in your home for 24 hours and yet you seem to loath me? I'm sorry, if there was something I could do to make it better than I would, but you won't tell me and I can't read minds so we are at an impass. I guess I'll just have to stay out of your way till I leave. It's only a few days and the basement is large so I can hide down there. Doesn't keep me from wondering what I have done to earn such a look from you.
    Everyone here still views me as a child, which isn't surprising because family will always see you as such and my baby face probably doesn't help, but this is overwhelming. You don't have to keep asking me what I want to eat and if you should make something for me, if everything is okay, blah blah blah. I will eat when I'm hungry and will try to make something for myself. Don't mind me just let me do me please.
    It's difficult finding food to eat here because I'm so used to just eating rice with veggies, yet here all they have is a lone bell pepper and nothing more. Where's the zuccini? The red and white onions? Broccoli should always be present and there should never be a single bell pepper, don't you know they enjoy being in pairs of groups, all different colors of course. Radishes sometimes like to hang out, but only if there's cottage cheese as well as green onions. Leek's always there as well, even though I don't enjoy it's company too much and how could you forget garlic and ginger, those are staples to any meal. These basic of most basic things that I'm so used to seeing when I open the fridge are gone, nonexistent.
    It's confusing because the cool box is filled with things, different plastic boxes of shapes and sizes, drinks of the sort and meats, but nothing really calls out to me. It's barely been three days, but I already miss my empty frindge at home where it's only filled with what you need and nothing more. The pantry is where we keep things needed once in a while, canned goods, nuts, dried fruit and grains. Sure if you want something at our house you have to cook it to eat it, but that's just how it's been for us for the longest of times. Not to mention our own system.
    It's all so different and I can't seem to find myself here, especially with my aunts eyes burning a hole into my side. What have I done!? I'm sorry, I just wanted to try to reconnect with you all, because family and that bullshite. Specially since I probably won't see you all ever again. I try to crack jokes and get a few laughs, but nothing everyone's so serious here and I feel like I'm sufficating. Why are you so stern and set in your views don't you know that life is short and should be enjoyed to some extent or at least tried to, while at the same time scorned because life is an asshole.
    For fucks sake I can't crack a joke about dieing without people staring at me like I'm crazy. Oi, I'm allowed to do this shit, talk about waiting to die and leting my life blood flow from me, my soul slowly draining from my eyes. Here everyone seems to start when I say something similar. Are you unaware that you will eventually leave this plane of existence? Or do you try to ignore that as you go along with your pointless lives? Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to put them down or make fun of them, this is just fact. People passing on is sad, you're losing someone that meant something to you, filled your life with some meaning, gave it more color. They will be missed, but that doesn't mean you should avoid death like the plague. It's a fact of life that everyone will face in some shape or form.
    I'm not sure what I'm doing. Last time I was here I acted the way they wanted me too, but now I'm too comfortable with myself. I'm not afraid to show my personaltiy be who I am, but I can see it's not wanted or appreciated. I guess, I'll just be quite and stay here in the basement. I don't want to put on an act for you all just so you can remember someone I'm not. It's sad, because I wanted to get to know you all again, remember you in some way shape or form, because I really don't have too much family, but I guess I won't. It's too bad, I'm not perfect in any way nor am I an interesting person but I'd like to think I'm a good presence and conversationalist, after all I have a lot of friends that are a lot older than me and we all get along pretty well, so what's holding you back?

    Only time will tell I guess. 

An Old You

Do you ever wonder what happened to the younger you, the child you?

You know, the one that saw the world and wasn't afraid of it's vastness.

Had dreams for the future that never seemed too big or small.

Wanted to grow up and see the world without anything holding them back.

That innocent you, unaware of so many things, yet still so happy with everything around them.

So naive and childish, but that is exactly what you were for the longest time.

One day though you grew up.

It didn't happen over night, nor were you aware of it, but it happened. You probably didn't realize it until you looked back and really thought about it.

Still it's not something you want to think about, because honestly you don't know what happened to the younger you. The one filled with dreams and hope, innocents that is no longer within you, a purer you, you could almost say.

What happened to them?

Were they snuffed out by those around them?

Stomped into the ground by self preservation in the hope to better blend in with their surroundings?

Did they adapt in order to live more comfortably, safer?

Could you yourself have killed them off? Like an old childhood friend that you no longer had anything in common with?

Because in order to get to know the world you had to grow up, so you had to leave your childish self behind. 

For their naivety was something that you no longer could hold on to. Their hopes and dreams that they had scarred and overwhelmed you.  Their innocence and pureness felt so foreign to you, that you stepped away, because you didn't want to taint them. 

Your past self. Something that was your beginning, but now is just a stranger that you can't understand. 

Sometimes you look back and wonder, was that really what I did, how I acted. Sometimes you can't even remember them. All you have to go on are glimpses that remind you of what you were.

That doesn't keep you from thinking- what if?

Doesn't keep you from wondering, if the small bit of white innocents filled with the hopes and dreams that only a child can have, is still in you somewhere.

You try not to think about it anyway, wondering where they went, if they are still maybe here, somewhere, hidden. If all that's left are traces of something you once were or have they been snuffed out.

Still when you do look back you smile while thinking of a fond memory, because a long time ago, before the world changed you, you were that innocent ball of light that so many others once were.