Rambaling about sleep

    For the first time in my life I'm wondering what insomnia is like.
    I've always had trouble sleeping, ever since I could remember, as a primary school kid, a jr high brat and a high school lazy ass. It was normal for me to lay awake for at least an hour before finally succumbing to sleep. I never really talked about it, so I though it was normal for the longest time. Until I found out Larkspur's dad is able to magically fall asleep in three seconds flat. I thought he was different from the norm, that is until Larkspur said everyone in her family is like that. Maybe it's a family thing?
    Curious I went to my own family, questioning how long it takes them to fall asleep. Ignoring their strange stares, they replied it took them between five to ten minutes, not the lighting speed of Spurs family, but still much faster then me. It made me wonder why I didn't have this amazing ability to fall asleep within minutes, yet instead I had to lay around in bed for an hour and hope I fall asleep quickly.
    I kept my sleeping problem to myself for the longest time. I don't think my parents found out till I was halfway through high school. Still my methods of getting to sleep weren't always the best. When I was little I would read until I was so tired that my eyes couldn't stay open, literally making myself exhausted.
    After that I tried going to sleep around 10pm every night, because by my calculations that meant I'd fall asleep sometime past 11. During that hour of staring at the ceiling I devised stories in my heads, some continued for months and they helped me get excited for bed, sometimes even helping me get to sleep faster than the usual time. This method worked for the longest time, but after I moved I stopped these nightly bed time stories, because I kept wishing I was living in them than in the real world. A dangerous thought process for anyone, so I tossed that aside and went back to staring at the ceiling.
    After I started Kung Fu I noticed that the nights I had training I fell asleep much faster than usual, so I took to doing light exercises before bed most nights. This allowed my body to feel physically tired and thus shut itself off faster. After more than a year of training I found this method eventually stopped working. Really, now it only works during the summer when I barely train at all. So again my sleep dilemma begins.
    This time I turn to meditation. Surprisingly it helps a lot, laying in bed and focusing on my breathing for a few minutes. This seems to help ease my mind into a going to sleep now state and keeping my body as still as possible means eventually I will get some rest. It's a bit of a process that's literally taken years to figure out and polish, scratch that it's still not 100% perfect yet, because I still take at least an hour to get to sleep, but because I can enter this strange meditative half sleep it means I'm getting some rest.
    Despite all of this I never thought I could have insomnia. I've heard about it and read and watched a couple of videos on the topic, but what I've gone through, go through, never seems to be exactly what insomniacs go through. It's something that I think about sometimes when I lay awake on those nights where nothing will help me fall asleep, I just have to wait till my body decides to shut itself off.
    These past two weeks that thought has been going through my head even more. Although, honestly the reason I'm having even more trouble sleeping now is because it's just that oh so wonderful time of the year again. The one that so many people love and that small fraction hate. Guess, which one I'm a part of. Doesn't help that I'm going to have to actually celebrate it this year. So many things are on my mind and I can't even cuddle with Aster, because he's even busier with school than I am. So many little things that my mind decides to stress about when it could just turn itself off and go to sleep.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Don't Remember My Name

          My arms burn, but that means little to me as their aching only means I have to keep them up. The opponent isn't easy. They're bigger than me, which isn't unusual since I am short, but they have a long reach which is always my worst nightmare. Still I keep my guard high, to try to block some hits from going in on my head. 

My shoulders burn, but it's just egging me on to get closer to get that shot in. Fuck it, I'll get hit, but that matters little when I can give back as good as I get. A suicidal strategy when one thinks about it. Get hit to leave the opponent open for a second just so you can return the favor. 

I care little about that though, because when I'm facing someone, anyone, the only thing that matters is the fight. The then, there and now. 

The world outside of this match is nothing it doesn't exist, only the pain, the heat, the sweaty brows and the aching lungs. 

Focus on not getting hurt. Focus on returning the favor. Focus on the fight. Forget about the monsters. Forget about your fears. Forget about the nighttime terrors. At this very moment none of that matters. It's just you and them, everything else is gone at this moment. 

My arms burn, my ribs ache, I feel a bit dizzy, but for once my resolve is steel. I crack a smile enjoying the adrenaline pumping through my veins, because this is one of the few moments when I feel alive. When I forget about the emptiness. When I ignore the fact that I feel like a stranger in my families home's. When I let everything go for that one moment to just focus on coming out of the fight. 

Focus on the pain. Focus on your strength. Focus on your breath. 

Focus, for nothing else matters right now.  

Fake smile?

    I'm so tired. My nights are always restless these days, well they have been for the past two months, but these last two weeks have been terrible. My work load isn't that bad. I'm managing everything, but I haven't really gotten to see Aster much recently. Those days where we spent Friday till Sunday together are gone. He has to many things to do just like me. Still those nights where we slept in the same bed, even though it was from three to ten, they were my saviors.
     Those were the only nights I could sleep peacefully and without worry. There was somebody there to remind me that reality is real and the darkness hasn't taken over. Now I can't even peer into the darkness in fear that I will see something, anything that my mind will decide to conjure. They never calm me. My sleep's so lackluster that it's starting to affect the way I think and act. Or maybe I'm just fucking tired of everything.
    Tired, sick of feeling this loneliness at night, jealous of my father cause he gets to see his girlfriend three times a week, tired of just going to school and being open yet no one wants to be friends. That last one is probably the worst.
    I've been going to school for a month and a half now. I'm over the moon that I'm studying something I'm actually interested in, really helps motivate me to work hard. I can't complain about my schedule, the professors are friendly and helpful, it's just I can't seem to find even ground with my 'year mates.' I will admit I wasn't particularly trying to get to know my assigned group mates at the beginning of the year, but I was really more interested in studying the material given to us so that I would have it a bit easier now.
    It probably doesn't help that the one guy who seems to be as big of an outsider as I am is perfectly fine with being alone. I'm slowly chipping into his hard shell, he seems more tolerant of me though than anything else. This all just frustrates me. I'm so tired of all the small talk, the fucking fake(?) smiles, the niceties and bull crap. I'm sick of all of this polite shit, so that maybe someone will like me as more than an acquaintance, someone will think hey this chick is weird, but I'm okay with that. Cause I'm not hiding myself, no fucking way. This is who I am, see something you don't like than FUCK OFF.
    Shit, seems this bothers me a lot more than I realized. Guess I just thought that after living here for six plus years and going through three different classes and two schools I would have something more than just acquaintances here. My dad always told me that the friends you make in college are the friends that carry you for the rest of your life.

What if I don't make any friends? 

What if I'm alone till the end?

Do I want that?

It'd be easier, but so empty.

I hate feeling empty.

 

Shimmer

    I'm here, again. The gray concrete walls and dampness are a dead give away as to where I am. It's been so long since I've been brought here, but for once I'm not going to run from this place. Why, because I no longer care. This time I slowly make my way forward ignoring the side doors and ladders, knowing they all lead to random places my mind has created. I just feel so lethargic, so many thoughts and fears have appeared from one event, one stupid mistake. Fool, come and get me snake, because I no longer care what happens to me.
    I don't know how long I've been walking for, but it seems like an eternity, you'd think that the monster would get me faster since I'm not running. Maybe it's decided to trap me here instead of killing me. Trapping me in my mind causing me to go insane on the outside. That could be interesting. Still why won't it come? Walking more I feel like I'm starting to leave, because I can see a light near the end of the tunnel and isn't that a surprise. My soul still has hope, there is little reason for it. It will only make everything hurt more once it's confirmed. I believe this yet I still continue towards the light, like the hypocrite I am.
    I don't get very far though, for something wraps around my wrist and pulls me into the sewer water. It's cold and freezes me to my bones almost instantly, this makes me take a breath, but all I get is water. Above me a spot the visage of a white snake starring above me, but I just can't tell what kind of stare it is. I don't care for I finally feel numb.

So this is what numbness feels like.

    It's cold all around me as I sink farther and farther into the sewers water. The icy depths seem to be pulling me along and I allow it, uncaring of what happens to me anymore. Goodbye, I think as I close my eyes and my consciousness slips away.
    'No!' Someone seems to shout and suddenly I'm pulled from the cool, icy embrace. I feel stinging all over my body when I leave the water and all I can think is did the snake save me? These thoughts are changed when I feel lips on mine and a fist pounding on my chest. What? I quickly sit up and cough out the water that  entered my lungs while contemplating who the hell is keeping me from the numbness.
    When I look, I end up staring in disbelief, it's him? What, but how? I don't understand. This seems to convey on my face for he answers my question with a single statement. 'Wake up, I want to see you.' With that he vanishes before my very eyes and I can feel the relief inside me, so that means?! Could it be?
    For the first time in a while I stand with a purpose and although it's tempting to jump back into the water I want to see him more. I've missed him so much. With these thoughts in mind I turn to see the creature that dragged me into the water. We lock eyes and I feel myself leaving this place.