Something to say

     I look upon the building that will be my home away from home for the next five years. It's an old red bricked building, but it looks some what cosy from the outside at least. Away from major streets with very little noise pollution and what seems to be a garden in the back.
     'Enough stalling,' I think making my way inside only to be greeted by an abundance of noise. 'These walls must be really thick if I was unable to hear any of this from the outside.' I shake my head making my way towards the stairs, 'It also explains why this is in such a remote location.'
    While on the staircase I do my best to avoid the rowdy college kids making there way through the building. Everyone seemed to be either exploring or meeting up with friends. 'I just want to get to my room,' I sigh again finally arriving on the third floor, somewhat amazed I hadn't managed to trip myself or someone else.
    'Now where is number 37?' I make an immediate left once I get off the stairs and end up making an almost full circle before finding my room. 'Should have made a right, well at least it's a corner room. Giving the illusion of more privacy.' I put in my keys and unlock the door and as a precaution knock before opening them. Since no one said anything I walk right in, only to stop dead in my tracks.
    There was a girl or more like a women standing near the only window in the tiny room. What surprised me though was my resemblance to her. She was obviously older, maybe in her final year, with scruffy short brown hair with blue tips. Her outfit consisted of dark grey pants, a black t-shirt with some silly drawing on it and a deep green bandanna around her neck. I unabashedly stared at her, until finally she broke the silence. "Hello, it's nice to meet you." She gave a small smile, but didn't extend her hand or give her name, so I just nodded my head and gave a small wave. 'Well this is going to be extremely weird.'
     "So, we are roommates for the year?" I ask as I set my stuff on the unclaimed bed.
     "Oh, no we aren't," the girl smiled sadly, "I'm just here to give you some advice to help you get through these next few years."
"Ugh, thanks I guess." Slightly irritated, 'I'm getting sick of people offering me friendly advice.'
    The women seems to sense my irritation as she gives me another smile, "Don't worry this won't take up any of your time and I won't be giving you some long winded speech about how great this school is. Besides your roommate can barge in at any moment and I'd hate to be interrupted." With this she gave a small wink and I just rolled my eyes, this only made the girl giggle as if my reaction was intended.
    Suddenly, the atmosphere turned serious and the girl looked straight into my eyes as she spoke. "These next few years are going to be tough. There will be moments where you want to give up and just go home. I understand that. You'll have days where you'll break down and do things that will make you hate yourself in the morning. I understand that too, I've gone through it all. Just remember to forgive yourself. Don't stay angry, sad or quiet the whole time. It will be ok. After these five years you will have just a few more amazing ones. The most important thing to remember is to explore, try new things and don't stay cooped up in here all the time. These next five years will be the most freedom filled, even if it won't feel like that sometimes, trust me they are. So use the freedom you have. Or else when the time comes you will regret it sorely."
     With that she gave a bitter smile and seemed to want to say something else, but was interrupted when another female barged into the room. I looked at the new girl and looked back to where the women was standing, only to find her gone. This puzzled me, but I didn't have a moment to linger on it for too long since my roommate immediately started talking to me.
    "Oh, hey! You must be my roommate! I'm Alex a second year. I hope we get along well." We shook hands after I introduced myself and then I started to unpack my things. Alex just ran back out into the hallway. 'Well she's full of energy, at least it won't be boring around here.'
    Literally a minute had passed before Alex barged in again grabbed my hand and started pulling me out of the room, "Come on we are going to get a beer with some of my friends." I shrug my shoulders and follow along, 'why not, it's not like we have classes tomorrow.' Unconsciously taking the strange woman's advice.

Miss the most

    Do you know what I miss the most? 

    You know when adults tell there kids to enjoy themselves, because these years are going to be the best and after that it's all downhill from there? Well, I've gotten to that downhill mark and I finally see what they mean. Let me explain myself better, because I always sort of understood what they meant I just didn't get it completely. It's like this, I understood that I should enjoy my childhood. Being carefree, no responsibilities, no worries if I ran in to the law or caused a bit of trouble, because most of the time I'd just get a slap on the wrist and my life would continue. I understood that. I also know that I can be a carefree and happy adult, I just need to see the responsibilities. I have to know what to spend my money on, how much to spend, make sure to buy food and somehow get by without loosing more marbles then I already have. This is something I'm slowly getting the hang of and making it work. Sometimes it works, other times I'm questioning if I have lost all my marbles.
    This though isn't the reason for my blog post. Even though 90% of them make no sense or are just rambles this well, this one is just more rambles. It's something that I thought about last night while trying and failing to go to sleep. I was having a small bout of sadness/ depression whatever you want to call it and I felt lonely. This isn't anything new for me. I live away from two of my dearest people and my father isn't the most affectionate man, even though I know he loves me. But anyway, I came back from visiting my dearest people not too long ago and now the void that was filled for six weeks has become empty again. You don't notice it at first, because you're just glade to be back in a familiar setting. You're back home inside you room, your safe heaven. Even if that cave is a little dusty. So the first week your back, you're busy meeting up with friends again, cleaning that dusty cave of yours and just relaxing. Taking in the fact that you're back. It's such a nice feeling.
    It's when this feeling finally lifts that you start to notice that the temporarily filled void is once again empty. It'll come at a random moment, for me it's in the late evening when I'm trying and failing to fall asleep. The time my subconscious remembers when I was a child and my parents would always come and give me a goodnight kiss or hug. You feel cold all over and nothing will warm you up. And the only thing you think of is a hug, because that's what will take the cold away, even for a little bit. A hug from someone you care about, maybe a bit longer than a normal hug, but all that matters is you get a few seconds of feeling warm. Your heart becomes a tiny bit lighter and the void becomes just a bit easier to ignore. Trust me you can cuddle your favorite teddy bear for as long as you want, but nothing will change, it needs to be a human that cares about you at least a bit. Why not hug my father you ask? Well he's not here, he won't be for a bit longer, but when he does come I will hug him for so long, that I might as well break a world record. I haven't seen my dad in over two months, so it should be a nice reunion.
    It will be nice for a week, because the void will be filled just a bit and I can function on just a bit. The hard part comes once he leaves again, because he will, for work and I'll be alone again for six weeks. I do live with my grandmother as well, but the house is so big we can go without seeing each other for a week. My grams even less affectionate than my father though, so no hugs from here unless it's a holiday or something.
    Again the loneliness will come, no matter how hard I try to ignore that gut wrenching void, no matter how much I try to pretend it never existed to begin with. It's all fruitless labor, because the feeling will come again one late evening and I will have a terrible night. Did you know that I'm a coward? I know this sounds random, but trust me it's not. I have been having trouble with this void for a while, it's nothing new, but it still hurts. How does this make me a coward? I've only ever had the guts to tell one person about this emptiness and even though she's tried to get me to get professional help, I can't. I don't trust psychologists. Before this I meet with them a few time for school reasons and I didn't have a good experience with them. I can't bring myself to trust them, so instead of talking about these feelings, I write about them. Only once the lid starts to leak though. I can't talk to my friend about them, because she has her own things to deal with and a boyfriend who's so insecure I just want to smack the bastard. My friend is more brave though, because she got help, she talks to someone and is getting by. I can't help but think she's so brave and I'm so glad she didn't go down the same path I did. My path was of pain that will leave a lasting impression forever deep in my mind. I'm already forever stuck with a glove on my left hand that when people ask me about I say it's a fashion statement. If they're a really close person to me, sometimes I say something different. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've said this phrase, "It's a reminder from when I did something stupid." Never have I ever said it to my parents though and the people that have heard it never asked me to explain myself. I wonder if it was the dead look in my eyes that gave it away? Or maybe they really didn't want to hear it. The worst part is it's not just a reminder...
    It happens when I feel the void the strongest. It will cross my mind and most of the time I will ignore the feeling, distract myself with something, but sometimes I go through with it. I feel better for a moment, but most of the time a few minutes later I hate myself more. It's just a terrible spiral that will one day end in something terrible. For now I'm somehow still holding on.
    This brings me to what I miss the most from my childhood. Back then my family was still whole, we lived so close to one of my favorite people and my other favorite person was a total pain in the ass. Whenever I was bored I could just hop the fence, walk through a parking lot and field, and just knock on my friends door. Then the best thing would happen, we'd just hang out. I know it sounds so simple and silly, but that's the beauty of it! I didn't need to call her in advance set a date and then try to make up what we would do, so that we wouldn't be bored. Nope, I'd just randomly come over and she'd either let me in or say not today. That was it and I miss this so much. I can't do that now. Now the few friends that I  have, have jobs or other friends that they prefer and it'd be weird if I just randomly came over to their house for no reason other then to combat the loneliness. Because deep down that's what it was combating boredom and loneliness.
    Once school starts, I'll probably get sucked in with homework and humans and extra activities. The void will be easier to ignore once I'm distracted. Hopefully I'll get used to the hole once again. I'll adapt to being an only sibling, with half my family on the other side of the ocean. My voice will get back to a state of practically no usage and human contact will become a strange thing for me once again. I will get used to this lonely existence, even though deep down I hate it and would like nothing more than to fill this fucking void.

Maybe I'll see you around,

but probably not.