One step

One step is all it takes to end it all.

One step is needed to finally fall.

One step is sometimes wanted to be done with it all.

At times that final step may seem like the scariest of things where everything is going to end, but

But sometimes that final step is not your last but your first.

One step can be the start of something new.

One step can be the reawakening that is needed.

One step can be your wake up call that there is something worth living for.

   Recently I had a (typed) conversation with my closest friend. It started with simple teen things and I'm still not sure how, but I must have written something about my mother, because she was asking me about why I don't like talking to her. Which made me think of this place, because just the other day I had written a post kind of explaining that answer. I debated with myself for a few minutes should I share this with her. After all I've literally dumped all of my past thoughts on to here and most of them aren't very pretty, but this is the person who I would call if I was dieing! I would leave my final words to her, so why not allow her a look into my head? So I gathered the small bit of courage I had and wrote. I wrote a small explanation telling her what it was that I was giving her and as soon as I hit the send button I logged off and tried to keep my thoughts away from what I'd just done. I debated going back on and deleting the post why should I put this on my friends shoulders? She has enough baggage, she doesn't need anymore. I kept it though and throughout the next day her reply was constantly on my mind. What would she say? How will she think of me now? Will this be the end of our friendship? I kept think 'God, I'm so stupid I ruined it. This is over.' Finally in the evening I checked for her reply and a weight lifted off of me. My shoulders literally sagged with relief when I found out that she was thanking me. It wasn't till a few days later after conversing with each other everyday, about ourselves, my posts, and her just recently started blog. That I noticed we were closer then before. I'd just realized we had a lot more in common emotionally then I had previously thought. It was a big eye opener for me, because it made me realize a few things. One my friend was hurting just as much as me, I'm not alone in my feelings of despair and sadness. Two I wasn't as alone as I'd originally thought.

   Opening myself up like that was the scariest thing in the world and something I don't want to repeat anytime soon or ever really, but because of it my day has become just a bit more bearable. After reading her replies it made me see a bit differently. I know I'm a pawn. That's what I've been thinking for over a year. It makes sense to me, because not everyone can be kings, queens or knights in shining armor. I was fine with this and still am, but Morgan put a little bit of color in my black pawn theory. Her exact words were "Also: you may just be a pawn, or you could be a queen. Whatever piece you play, no matter how many pieces you have on your side, you can always turn the game around. You will always have me." These words made me remember that if a pawn is taken across the board they do indeed become a queen. This also had me running downstairs to get my fall jacket and going through it's pockets. Where I extracted an old wooden chess piece- a pawn. I don't remember exactly when I found the pawn, just that I was coming back from school and picked it up without even thinking about it. From then on I carried it in my jacket, just to remind myself not to get too confident, too cocky. To remind me that I'm just a chess piece waiting to be used. This upset me, but it was the truth. There are so many people out there in the world and that means not everybody can be the best. Not everyone can be kings and queens, but that doesn't mean we can't try. So this is my new theory- Everyone starts off as pawns, because without them there is no challenge, no game. That doesn't mean a pawn can't become a queen, knight, tower or bishop. They just have to work hard to get across the board to reach that goal. So for now I'm a pawn, getting in the way of my enemies, making sure I help my team, keeping life interesting for others while I slowly make my way across the board to see what I become. To make sure I don't forget this theory my black pawn now has a 'Q' carved on it's bottom.

   My friend said a few more things that made me change my views of myself and those around me. Ever since I left my brother I've kept minimal contact with him and was thinking about almost completely cutting ties with him. Morgan made me realize how stupid of an idea that would be. I found out that the reason for my existence are two people. Two people that I love and care for deeply. My last post was that of my lost virtues. My empty existence. This was brought to my attention after reading and discussing the drama "Kordian." I found that I could relate to the character very closely and on closer inspection I found the two of us very similar. Our biggest difference Kordian followed his emotions to a fault, while I half the time don't understand my emotions and tend to pick at them in curiosity. We both lost our virtues and found it difficult to move on, but in the end we both found something to keep us moving, For Kordian it was his home country which was taken over and split into three. Therefore it didn't exist, except in the heart and minds of it's once citizens. He made it his goal to help bring it back. While my goal is to live for my brother and sister. I know it's not something that will get me through my whole life, for eventually we will all drift apart, but for now it helps me wake up in the morning. I wrote there letters on my hands, the area where the thumb meets the hand to be exact, on my left hand there is a capital E while my right has a capital M. It's a good thing I did it, because I've caught myself countless times thinking terrible things about myself and then I glance at my hands and Morgans words come to mind specifically "One more thing, about your best not being good enough: it just has to be good enough for you." Thanks to them and her words I'm a bit more content then I once was. I look at the world in a lighter tone and after calling my brother and hearing the happiness in his voice I know that at this moment my life isn't awe full or terrible. My existence isn't worthless or pointless. I have a reason to get up and move forward to keep the fog from surrounding me completely again. All because I opened myself up to a dear friend of mine. Now I've taken my first step and I don't know where it will lead me, but for now I don't mind, because I'm going to focus on those single steps of mine.

Maybe I'll see you around.