I don't know how long it's been since I last wrote and it seems my mind is taking it's toll. My thoughts have all slowly piled up so much that I'm slowly going insane. It doesn't help that I'm stressed times ten, because of all the tests I have at the moment and the end of the semester is right around the corner. I have a big math test on thursday and a history test the same day. Sad to say, but history is my worst subject and I'm one grade away from failing, yet again. I've been in the same situation before, but either way it doesn't help me one bit. I'm not sure who I'm more annoyed at me, my teacher or my father. My father because he's so carefree about most of my grades when he should be stern or more father like. Getting angry at me because my grades are so low. My teacher because her test or so frickin hard that even if you do study your still not sure if you'll pass or not. Although I think I'm angry mostly at myself and not just because of history. There are so many things bugging me at this moment I'm not really sure where to start, so get ready for random floating colorful wisps of ciris clouds to suddenly become written words.
History, no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get myself to just sit and read the textbook and take notes. I know I have to study. I know I have to pass, but sometimes I just don't care. I'm tired of it all. School I'm sick of it. I just want to disappear. The fact that math class isn't offering me anything interesting isn't helping me either. Or the fact that during computers we started Visual Basic, but we're going at a snails pace because the teacher has other things she has to do to keep the school running properly.
My Diet. I'm trying to eat healthier and I was doing well for about a week then I suddenly cracked and scarfed down a whole bar of chocolate. After that it was downhill from there with me eating handfuls of cookies after dinner and other sweets. I'm so angry at myself and my weak will. I want to scream and rage in frustration, but I just can't. It brings me no satisfaction. And letting my emotions loose would be weird and bad. I rarely get riled up and when I do it comes in short burst that I real in quickly. So when I get a craving even when the supposed ten minutes later are up I'm still thinking about that chocolate or a cookie and I can't stop myself from eating. It's really bad when I'm watching Tv. I think I've gotten so used to eating and watching that even when I'm not hungry, but I'm watching something I naturally go get something to snack on, like a reflex. It's an awful habit that I need to brake and I have to! I want to loose weight. I want to be happy in my body and for once not curl up my lips in disgust when I look into the mirror. I'm not worried about exercise, because I'm quite active at least 3 hours a week. I need to try harder so I can let my bear free.
The holidays. I'm fucking sick of them and I want them to go away. The christmas songs are like mental torture. You hear it once and you will continue to hear it for the rest of the day in your head- whoopdy fuckin do. The fact that everyone is in shoppers mode doesn't help either as going to the store is the biggest pain in the ass ever. My father and I went shopping saturday, cause we wanted some new jeans and were almost trampled to death. There were huge crowds and getting out of the malls parking took a good half an hour. I was getting ready to shoot someone out of boredom. I've always disliked the holiday I just never enjoyed them as much as others and often found them pointless, but this year it's even worse. My father and I aren't celebrating christmas at all. Our house is clean of jolly decorations, no tree or christmas cheer in site. Thank god for that. We just aren't in a christmas mood this year and personally I don't think we'll be in one for quite some time or maybe even never. I think it's because whenever I think christmas I think family. Now looking around the only question that comes to mind is 'what family?' It's just me my dad and my grandma (who is like a ghost). We live in the same house, but I can go a week without seeing her. Our christmases were always big with our four person family along with my cousins four person family and someone else would always be there too. They were big and happy and for me I think that was the best part about christmas. Not the present (although those were a great plus), but my family all together (almost) in one place, happy. That's what I loved the most everyones joy in being together, now well, now it's just a father with his daughter and their ghost of a grandmother living in this huge empty house. With three empty rooms, without the life they once had in them gathering dust. I avoid my brothers room. It's right across from mine, but I avoid going into it. It feels wrong and terrible. It hurts to think that just six months ago he was right across from me and at random times during the day would barge into my room out of boredom and vis-versa. Now he's gone all because I was the dumbass that let him go. I hate myself for not fighting for him, damit! I'm so angry at myself and I don't know how to express it. It's easiest to do through writing, swearing and such. Drawing can be helpful too, but that's sporadic and they never make much sens to begin with. This is probably my best outlet to just get rid of everything from my shoulders, because it's easier to type it out then talk it out.
Sometimes I get these longings for a really close companion, friend, lover I'm not really sure, but just someone who can take the loneliness away. When I was talking to my mother she told me that sometimes she'd find Eryk with this sad look on his face and he'll be in this darkish, gloomy mood for the rest of the day. She says it looks like loneliness and longing. She claims it's his want to how things used to be four or even five years ago, before we moved when everyone was happy and blissfully ignorant. I understand him, because I get those moods too and I can't help, but bitterly think that I'll never return to those days. There are times were I wonder if I started my life over again with all of my memories in tack, what I would do differently. I'd probably start training kung fu early. Maybe take more pictures of the early times. Live my life just a bit differently, but almost the same. Would I try to convince my father to stay in the states? I'm not sure and I don't think I'd ever be able to answer that question, because truth be told the only problem in all of this is myself.
Maybe, I'll see you around?
