When did I learn to lie?
"Mat, did you do all your homework today?"
"Ya, mom I did all of it!" I would say while starring at the ground and trying not to smile.
My mother would put on a knowing smile, "Look at me when you speak Mat." I would huff look her in the eyes and break out in a smile, which I would than apologize for lying and run off to do my homework.
That's how it was for me for the longest time, until I was 17 that's when I started to learn. My father taught me the basics; don't be afraid to look them in the eyes, make sure your lie is believable, tell a half truth if you can. The most important rule he taught me, keep them simple in order to keep track of them. Since than I've added, cover up your answers with sarcastic humor whenever possible in order to allow them to interpret your answer.
That last one works best with family members.
"Mat, how did your exams go?"
"Good, I passed everything! Now I just have to see if I get into a university!" Spoken with false excitement while trying to ignore the pain in my chest and the heaviness of my eyes.
"Well I'm glad for you! Congratulations!"
I've had a lot of practice lying to family members, mostly my mother, and now I don't even panic when I have to make something up.
"Hello honey! How have you been?"
"I'm good mom! Reading a great book at the moment than going for training. How about you?"
"I'm alright. Do you meet up with your friends sometimes? Hows Marta doing?"
I cringe at the name, but my voice is kept obnoxiously cheery, "I see some of my friends at least once a week!" I reply thinking in my head, more like once a month. "And Marta's doing great! We don't get to see each other often though, because she has a lot of horse competitions this month. The seasons just started so I won't get to hear from her often." Yes, the season just started, but I haven't had any contact with her for over 6 months. She got tired of my and stopped talking to me.
"That's good to hear dear."
I use to only ever have trouble lying to my father, I realized that has changed. All day yesterday I had dead eyes and not once did my father notice. I easily kept up with our normal banter and added in sarcastic scathing comments whenever possible. He had no clue how much he hurt me on the inside not noticing or caring. I wanted nothing more than a tight hug and a few calming words whispered into my ears. "It's going to be ok, we'll get through this." Instead I hear some of the most hurtful words in existence, "I figured this is how it would be," deep sigh, " You should have studied more."
This broke me, but on the outside I kept a cool blank mask with only a hint of sadness in my eyes. What did he mean by he knew!! He knew what!? That I would just pass with average joe scores and yet he still heaps these expectations on me!? He gave me hope and than he just stuck me down with that single comment. It hurt as if I was hit by lightning. I felt rage for a moment, but it quickly passed. There was no point in hating my father. I let him down and that was that. Hopefully he'll keep his expectations to himself now. I don't want to hear you complementing me or boasting about me anymore. There is no more to boast about nothing left to tell, to say.
I feel dead inside now and a few tears have spilled as I wrote this and continue writing. It's been a while since I felt this dead, but it doesn't change anything. I'm going to have to live with this now. You know it hurts being an average joe. Someone useless to society that even your father doesn't want you. At least he has my brother, but I hate to put the burden of expectations on him. I'm such a terrible older sibling.
I sometimes wish I didn't have to wait eight years.
I ended up getting that hug that I needed from a close friend of mine- Peter. We always hug when we meet, most of the time it's him doing the hugging while I stand there somewhat awkwardly. That day though I hugged him back and held on for a bit longer and tucked my head into his shoulder.Pete just held me tighter sensing that something was wrong, but allowed me to decide if I wanted to tell him. I might have ended up crying if we weren't in a public place, but I stayed quite and was great-full for the hug.
I know my relationship with my father will be different now, he will never know it, but I will. He will still be my father and I will still love him, but he will no longer be the center of my world. That has been broken and I now have to pick up the pieces and see what I can salvage. I think I'll plant a dandelion in the middle. After all it's a weed that can get through thick and thin. Give it enough time and it can grow to enormous proportions with thick roots and thorns. Who wants to be a rose when I can be an even more threatening weed? After all no one expects much from them.
