Conflict or Revelation?

   I used to think I was a loner, someone who can live without people and be perfectly happy, but that's not the case anymore. Well not fully at least. My father left this early morning for a business trip. He'll be in Finland for a good two weeks leaving me mostly alone for some time. I'm not completely alone, but my grandmother and dog don't really count. Why? Well my gram has her own part of the house and there are times where we go days without seeing each other and my dog well he's always with my gram. So you see how it is. It's depressing coming home to a empty house that has more rooms than inhabitants. It hurts even more, because at one point this place was alive. Bustling with noise and life. Now though it's just an empty shell made of concrete walls and a tiled roof.
   I know I'm not a people person, because social events drain me. Coming back from school I tend to be super tired sometimes even down right exhausted. Thursdays are always the worst for me leaving me drained completely. So I know that I'm not a social butterfly, but I never thought I was so dependent on my family. Before the move I had lots of friends and my family. They were both important to me like they are for most people, but after the move all I had was my family. While my brother filled in a bigger role over time I became dependent on my family. They were the only thing I counted on in this strange semi familiar yet different new place. Then slowly that too fell apart. It started with my mother which I new was coming and at some point I might have even encouraged, but then my brother was taken and it became a lot harder. I latched onto my father like a life boat, because he was the only thing left from my past.
   When someones last life line dissolves into thin air life becomes sadder. Sitting here in this empty house is slowly driving me insane and the fact that I can't stop this on flow of thoughts that are making it worse, well let's just say it's not fun. I can't help but keep thinking "A year ago I could open my doors and hear my brothers voice on the other side of the door across from mine." or "A year ago I'd be able to go into my brothers room and spend some time bugging him to pass the time." Or one that tears me up no matter how hard I try to push it back: "I wish he was still here to pop into my room when he's bored to bug me."
   These thoughts prove that I was dependent on my brother the most and that now that he's gone and now that my father is away. I can't help but think what's the point anymore? So often I've caught myself thinking "What am I doing?Why am I here? What's the point of this all? Why am I wasting space and air for someone who could probably use it so much better then me." I'm looking into a well to find the answer in the pitch black, only to find my search in vain for there is no answer. That's what depresses me the most. The fact that I can't find pleasure in my life, aside from little things that help me get by. Kids having innocent fun, the color of the morning sky, the beginning of blooming flowers, seeing my breath on a cold morning or evening and the sound of falling rain. These little things I find bring a small smile to my face, but at one point it just what be enough, so what then?

I probably won't see you around, but if I do then 'see ya.'