Talk and Change

I don't really write here anymore. Not because I don't need to, but because I don't want to. Things still plague my mind, never as bad as it once was, but they are still there. Instead of writing here though I let it build up until I end up writing a letter inside of an old notebook. I've written three of them in the past 6 months, only one was shared to the addresse the other two still gather dust in that innocent blue notebook lost among school notes and math calculations.

The main reason I don't write here is because I don't want to talk about relationship problems between Aster and I. I want to preserve the beauty of me falling in love with them on here and not the slow downfall of our relationship. When I read old blog posts I want to cry tears of joy, not bitter regret.

Although that isn't the main excuse. Why don't I write on here any more? Because I'm afraid that people will read these posts and think I'm in a toxic relationship and urge me to break up with Aster. Which isn't the case. Our relationship isn't toxic, but filled with miscommunications and misunderstandings. Some of them are the result of a culture and language barrier, others stem from neither of us being able to express ourselves or our emotions. And when I do get the courage to talk or say whats wrong things change for a day and then go back to normal.

Sometimes I feel like when I do talk it's not heard or understood.

While I feel like you don't talk enough.

I wish we could both just talk and listen and change together.

One Of My Favorite Weekends

Aster and I have been living together for almost a year now. We've had our ups and downs, and we're still figuring things out, but for the most part it's good. But this post is dedicated to a single weekend that happened a few months back.
So Aster has weekend school that happens ever other weekend. One weekend though he overslept a bit, decided to skip the first lecture since it wasn't that important and then show up for the rest of the classes. I was like that's okay to do every once in a while, so I decided to make breakfast a bit early so that he could eat something concrete before the rest of his lessons.
He hangs out with me in the kitchen, Bax of course is there as well wondering if we'll put anything in his bowl. We chat casually about everything and nothing until eventually Aster admits he doesn't really feel up to going to school at all today.
I look him over and can tell he's feeling drained. He's trying his best, but work and school seem to be tiring him out. With my mind made up I give him the push he needs to make his decision. "Well as long as you don't make this a habit and you have someone you can get notes from, then it should be ok."
He looks at me, a bit relieved but also feeling guilty, knowing his parents would be worried that he's going to drop out again if they find out he's skipping. But he'd been going dutifully to all of his classes so far and I found little reason to force him to go if he felt he needed a break.
So we eat breakfast together and Aster asks me what my plans were for the day. I told him I was going over to my dad's house with Bax to hang out with everyone since I hadn't been able to go during the week. I ask if he wants to tag along, expecting him to say 'no,' but surprisingly he agrees. So we head out around 10:30 to my dad's place.
That whole weekend ends up being we do everything I want to do. It was fun for me. Saturday we spent some time with my family than went for a long walk with Bax before I cooked up some dinner and had a chill evening. While Sunday Aster, my brother, Bax and I drove to a beach a bit farther out where Bax got to run free and really get rid of his energy.
That weekend felt very domestic and we still have those moments, but that's what they are moments. I wonder if I can get away with that kind of day on my birthday. Instead of a present you have to hang out with me all day! That'd be fun, for me at least. I don't think Aster would mind too much, but I also know he can be a lazy bum when it comes to certain things.
I know I've been quiet for a while. A lot of things have happened that I'll talk about in another post or two, but for now I wanted to start of with something light. Just to help me get back into the swing of writing, since it has been a solid two/three months since I've written anything at all. I know here it's been like four, but I write stuff that doesn't show up here! More positive stuff thank you very much.

I wish my thoughts would stop

    I wish my thoughts would stop, but they don't. Sometimes they take a small break, fall into the background for a little while, but they always come back, rearing their ugly head. I hate them. I wish they would go away, because they show off a terrible side of myself I wish wasn't there.
    I didn't have them until we started to live with each other, then a few months passed and now they pop up every time we go more than a week without having sex. Ya, warning for those not interested in a strangers sex life, go now or continue reading this, your choice.
    Since we both started school these thoughts pop up often, even though logically I know they aren't true and I shouldn't even think such things. They still appear, they fester in my brain until finally we do the deed and they disappear for a short time.
    I hate that this happens, it's making me sound like some kind of sex driven whore, but it's the truth and I can't just continue to ignore it. I enjoy sex with my partner, a lot. It makes me feel like we're one being for a short period of time, which sounds strange but that's just how it feels for me. Not to mention I'm a very touch driven person, something that I didn't really get after I moved. Hugs from family slowly became less frequent, eventually turning into occasional pats on the head or shoulder until finally touch became strange and foreign to me, something I no longer wanted from family, because it just reminded me of times long past.
    Then Aster came along and suddenly I was happy to get a hug again. When we leaned against each other or I put my arm around his waist it felt wonderful and I was reminded how much I missed platonic loving touches. Until finally I was introduced to more sexual touches which really blew my mind. Although my favorite thing is just hugging each other naked, it makes me feel like the most content being on the entire planet and for just one moment everything is OK.
    But we don't touch that much anymore, most of it has become something that only happens when we're having sex, which seems to happen less and less.
Which causes my dark spiraling thoughts of what if he's seeing someone else? Whether at work or maybe school, what if that's where he's getting his touches from now? Maybe he's no longer attracted to me? He's found some other cute boy or girl that he's spending his time with and just hasn't told me that he want's to break up.
    I HATE these thoughts. I KNOW Aster wouldn't do this. I trust that if he truly no longer felt anything towards me he would just break up with me instead of stringing me along like this. But my thoughts still go there, our lack of touch still causes this sadness to well up within me. It sounds so stupid, but I found out about the 5 languages of love; spending time together, gift giving, touch, doing things for each other and compliments/romantic gestures. And I took the quiz and had Aster take it too and surprise surprise Touch was practically equal with spending time together. I think Touch scored a 10 while spending time scored an 11. So they're practically interchangeable. While Aster scored an 11 on spending time, 9 on doing things for each other and then a 7 on touch. Some of the numbers may be off but the order is correct.
    It was good to find out that touch isn't at the very bottom for Aster otherwise I think we wouldn't work out, but he still complains or moves away when I try to touch him. I know most of the time it's a joke since he makes some kind of joking comment or has that 'I'm playing a trick on you' smile, but it hurts sometimes.
I just want to cuddle for a bit, but because I feel this way instead of just cuddling up to him in bed I stay I on my side, because I feel so cold that I don't want to be burnt.
    For the small percent wondering if I initiate sex. I try sometimes, but I'm so terrible at conveying that I want to do it through body language that I have to just outright ask for it sometimes. Another thing I don't enjoy doing because whenever I do ask I feel like a dog asking its master for a treat, who than sighs unzips his pants and goes okay, but only a quickie.
    I just wish I wasn't so touch driven. Then maybe I'd stop having these terrible thoughts and I'd just be happy with what I have. I'm just a whore, a stupid fucking whore.

I can't do it

I can't do it

I can't do it

 I can't do it 

I can't do it

I can't do it

I shouldn't be doing this

I shouldn't be doing this

This is not going to end well

What the fuck do I do with my life?

Do I have to start over again?

What if I don't want to? 

What if I can't?

I can't do this

I can't' do this

I can't' 'do this

I can't' 'd'o this

I can't' 'd'o' this

I can't' '  '  ' '

          ' '  '  '  ' '

Surprising Disappointment

    I'd never thought I'd be disappointed in a friend, especially not this friend. Sure I expected to occasionally be let down, but never disappointed. Our friend group has gotten into a bit of a fight, nothing so serious that no one is talking with each other, but more of a one person is angry with another and is willing to break off their friendship with them just like that.

    Maybe I'll try to be less vague. Friend B is angry with Aster because he's distanced himself a bit from our friend group. I was never super close with anyone, mostly just talked when we met up, but Aster would always hang out with them on discord and now he doesn't really do that. So a bit of a rift has opened up between him and the group, but it's not so large that it's impossible to jump.

    Saturday friend B blew up at Aster and me, saying we've been aloof and passive aggressive and they're sick of our bullshit. The two of us were genuinely confused, because we never meant to come off as passive aggressive nor were we trying to be mean in any way. Still we were at a party and after friend B shouted at us we quickly left.

     The subject sort of dropped from there, with friend A trying to figure out what was going on since they were left out of the conversation at the time, but is one of the core members of our group. Me and friend A talk over the next couple days and they say friend B is willing to talk with me first before talking to Aster.
So I go for this meeting and they're both kind of shitting on Aster a bit, although it's mostly friend B, because friend A has noticed a change in Aster, but figured he was just going through some stuff and they valued their friendship more than these little misunderstandings that were popping up. I talked with the both of them, and explained a few instances that they interpreted incorrectly, but I realized there was no point in me just sitting there protecting and explaining Asters behavior to them. So I told them, friend B just has to go and talk with Aster on their own, since it doesn't make much sense for me to be here since it turns out friend B really didn't have any gripe against me.

     Still finding out that a long time friend of yours is perfectly fine with just dropping our friendship instead of working this out, well it's disheartening to say the least. Something I never thought they would do, because we've all acknowledged how had it is to make friends with people when you don't go out often.

     Tomorrow Aster and friend B are suppose to talk it out. I'm not sure which way I want it to go. On the one hand I want all of us to stay friends, but on the other after hearing that they don't really value our friendship, well is there a point in being friends? Even if we do stay friends, I'll probably end up distancing myself from the group, because that thought will always be in the back of my mind.

 They don't care about us.

Can't chase the sadness away

You know it's bad when your avoiding this place.

You know it's even worse when you can't sleep at night

    Or when you do get sleep you still feel exhausted the next day. Your eyes are all puffy like you opened them in a chlorine filled pool, while your head filled itself with water. All you feel is numbness, nothing seems to chase the sadness away even when you really try.
    Which just makes everything worse, just makes you feel worse. I didn't think it was this bad, but then things started pilling up and I kept pushing them to the back of my mind. A few days later one drunken comment from Aster causes me to spiral downward.
    It was a late Saturday evening, we were hanging out with friends. The boys were drinking while I was snacking on some cookies in order to stay awake. We were in the middle of some shitty conversation when Aster turns to me and says 'And your just shoving sugar down your throat.' It wasn't meant to be a harmful comment in any way, more poking fun since we were all doing that to each other, but with everything I had on my mind for the past week, well it hit me differently.
    Instead of a joke, I heard and you're just a fat ass eating sugar. Follow this with the fact we hadn't been intimate with each other for almost two weeks and it felt like a stab in the heart.
    I was pretty subdued after that, we went to bed immediately after we got home. The next day I didn't have much of an appetite and was generally pretty quiet. Aster asked if everything was okay and I lied, telling him I just didn't get enough sleep. So I tried to be a bit more lively, make more jokes and comments like I usually do, but they were all half-hearted.
    That night I lay awake, unable to sleep at all. I tried snuggling with Aster, it usually chases the sadness away for a little while, but for the first time ever it just made the sadness worse. So I shyed away, turned my back and tried to fall asleep. It was in vain so after a while I got up to write in my journal, Aster followed shortly after and we talked for a little bit. About some of the things bothering me and what I could do about them. It didn't really work. I still felt like I wanted to cry, still do.
    Next day is just as depressing, except it's getting easier to pretend although I think Aster still feels like somethings off. That night sleep is still a struggle, but I refrain from getting up and roaming like I wish. Instead I lay awake until sleep takes me fitfully. I awake earlier than I'd like, after having slept less than 5 hours the night before I was hoping to get a full 8 on this one. Seems it was all in vein.
    So I finally sat down to write, even though I'm still tip toeing around the topic. Maybe it's just my hormones, making this bigger than it really is. Maybe I need to have sex with Aster once a week or else I start doubting if he's attracted to me. Maybe it's my usual summer blues that show up every single fucking year.
     Who fucking knows, all I know is that I'm so used to being sad that after trying to cheer myself up with a multitude of things and none of them working, well I'm fine with just staying this way for now. Cause you know how my self destructive nature works, once I'm sad I want everything around me to crumble.

Let me be alone with my sadness. 

Let me be alone. 

Let me die alone. 

Everything Would Disappear

If one day all of us just stopped talking to each other 

or

If one day all of us died

or 

if one day all of us mysteriously disappeared,

Well then there would be no physical evidence 

of us ever having been friends. 

Sure there are online chat groups, but those can easily be lost 

in the hundreds of millions of groups found online. 

Not to mention you'd have to go out of your way

 to find it. 

So if one day the worst came to pass 

and all of us just stopped, well who's to say we ever 

really were to begin with?

No photos to sadly look back on with a melancholic smile on our faces. 

No notes that brought back memories of simpler times. 

No silly group accessory that clearly stated this is us.  

It's not something the others care about, the thought

 of suddenly not being friends anymore, probably doesn't 

even cross their minds, but to someone like me 

it's a somewhat regular occurrence.

I don't have many pictures, always getting lost with the flow of life, 

always thinking there's still plenty of time.

What's the point in capturing such a mundane memory?

That's the thing though, once time has passed and slowed down, that's what we'll want to reach for; the mundane. What were we doing on those lazy Sunday afternoons? It was so long ago I can barely remember.

That's why after our groups third trip to the cabin at the lake I can't help but reminisce and be slightly saddened that once again I forgot to capture a moment. 

Whether it was when Aster and I held hands again for the first time since we started dating. Or Bax who fell off the pier and landed in the lake, soaked to the bone. The silly alcho-olyimpics we randomly thought up, but only ended up doing two out of the nine disciplines. 

Out of all the things we did that week, if I could only capture one moment, it'd be our bonfire on our final night. Where at one point everyone is droopy eyed and slowly falling asleep in the soft glow of the crackling flames, no one willing to call it a night, for that would officially mark the end. 

Maybe next time, although knowing me I'll get swept up all over again and will once again regret not freezing a single memory.