Three songs

    A slow heavy beat starts to play. The lights dim, until only the mic is lit in a soft glow. Someone slips out from behind the curtains, slowly walking towards the mic stand. Everyone is silent as they slowly observe the singer calmly making their way towards the center. 

Have you got color in your cheeks?

    She starts to sing, grabbing onto the stand, while cupping the mic with one of her hands. Her voice is slow and sensual, dark hair blocking her face from view, but everyone is mystified.

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?

    She peaks up at the crowd now, standing straight and singing. Slowly she gets comfortable on stage, starts to sing confidently.

So have you got the guts?

Been wondering if your hearts still open and if so I wanna know

 what time it shuts.

    She starts to sensually move her hips, dancing with the mic stand and making eye contact with the crowd.

Crawling back to you.

    Here she locks eyes with a green eyed blonde sitting in the back. The words resonate through the two of them, before she moves on breaking the eye contact and calmly sashaying down the stage.

Do you want me crawling back to you?

    The music ends on a high guitar note and the stage goes black. The lights don't get brighter though, only the crowd slowly starts to thin. The blond stays rooted to his chair.
    The music starts again, a peppy beat plays and the stage lights up brighter than before. The singer's back faces the crowd when lyrics are sung.

Caffeine, small talk, wait out the plastic weather.  

    She swings her hips with a different energy, this time expressing happiness, before jumping forward to face the smaller crowd.

You know I talk too much!

    The brunets hair flips forward as she dances with the mic in hand. She's smiling openly now letting the beat flow through her. Jumping and dancing around the stage energetically letting the music carry her.

Silence is golden, but you've got my hopes up.

    Her she suddenly freezes, once again locking eyes with the blond. There are unanswered question in both of their eyes and the man looks to stand, but the brunet's eyes dart away going back to singing the song and entertaining the others.

You know I talk too much.

Honey come put your lips on mine.

    She teases the crowd dancing and laughing, enjoying the energy flowing through her while singing, trying to ignore the feelings slowly coming to the surface.
    When the song ends, the lights go out once more. Again people go, leaving only the blond and the brunet, hidden on stage.
    The music starts out slow once again, but the lights stay dark, hiding the singer in shadows. Still you can see her silhouette near the mic stand.

Hold on, what's the rush, what's the rush, well?

    Her voice cheery for the last song now sounds remorseful, almost pleading.

Hold on, I'll be here when it's all done you know.

    As the song continues she edges off the stage carefully making her way towards the sole occupant of the room.

You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me.

    She sings behind the blond, moving to stay out of sight each time he turns his head. When he tries to stand and turn to catch the singer she disappears into the darkness behind him.

And if I was running, You'd be the one who I would be running to.
And if I was crying, You would be lining the cloud that would pull me through.
And if I was scared, Then I would be glad to tell you and walk away.

    Suddenly she's back on stage and the lights burn just a tad brighter. He can now see her eyes again, slowly filling with tears as they gaze at each other. There is no dancing in this song, instead she tries to convey her emotions to him. Her eyes burn fierce for a moment pleading with him, but it only lasts just a moment.

I am just trying to find my way to you.

    The singer wraps her arms around herself dropping her mic, but still singing strongly despite the tears running down her face.

You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me.

    She finishes the song with a melancholy smile before slowly fading into the darkness, leaving the blond alone to his thoughts.

Pleading with yourself

    You're sitting at your desk, studying. Trying to focus on the notes before you. They're covered in pencil marks, squiggles, different math formulas. You try to focus on the definition that you need to remember for next weeks exam, but you can't.
    You constantly feel yourself starting to tear up, whether from frustration, exhaustion or stress you don't really know. You try to ignore it, after all there's someone else in your room, focusing on their own task, but you can't wish away the tears that keep trying to spill.
     So you give up, grab a bunch of tissues and silently leave the room. You climb the stairs to the most isolated part of the house and there you hide in the furthest corner. Tucking into yourself as you sit on the floor, you chin resting on your knees. There you finally let your tears fall.
    They come slowly and quietly roll down your cheeks as you try to keep the snot running from your nose off your jeans. It's a useless en-devour. In a matter of moments you start to speak to yourself, trying to comfort the soul inside you crying out. You ask why and what for, but soon it turns to desperate pleas.
    Your so very afraid of what will happen if you fail. It's not just about the consequences or the disappointment. You don't know what you will do if you fail. In fact you're so afraid of what you'll do that you hug yourself closer stifling whatever sounds you make as you quietly beg yourself not to do it.
    As much as you joke about it, as much as you thought about doing it in the past. At this very moment in time right now, you don't want to die. Yet you're so afraid that if you fail, you will do it. No matter how much you love the people around you, no matter how much you want to stay.
    If it happens you don't know if you'll have the strength to keep yourself from doing it. One side of you is screaming to not give in yet, there's still time and hope. Just focus and you can do this. But there's another side, a silent slowly growing roar that says enough is enough and it's time to go, we've overstayed our welcome.
    They both fight, one planning final letters to those you care about, another screaming to get up and go back to studying. They both overwhelm and terrify you. You're frozen in place, wishing the other occupant from your room would just magically appear and make it all better, make it bearable. They don't, you came here to be alone, so alone you shall be.
    You continue crying, speaking, no pleading and begging yourself to stop, to think, to not do it. It goes on for a little while, but you're finally able to talk yourself through it. That voice quiets down and you slowly stand deciding to wash your face at the sink.
    You take off your glove before you splash some water on your face. Eventually your hands stop shaking and you pocket your glove, trying to forget about the other voice the one that wishes so much for the end.
    Still you go back to your room slowly and walk in as if nothing had happened before sitting down and starting to earnestly study. This time the tears stayed at bay.

I can't do it anymore

    My favorite type of fanfiction were the ones where the main character went back in time and redid his story with his knowledge of past mistakes. It became my obsession for a long while and I found a lot of gems in that area.
    Still after a while I started to imagine what I would do if I ever got to re-do my life. At one point I let go of fanfiction and thus my obsession of re-doing things as well faded, but recently I've started to think about it all over again.
    What would I do? How would I act? What would I change? I always picture myself going back in time and pretending to be really dumb in school, but still passing while also playing with my brother more and doing more extra curricular activities.
    Advancing myself while I was still young, but I always get to a summer where my brother and I go to visit our grandparents in Poland and my daydream starts to sadden, because as stupid as this sounds I start to think of Aster.
    I think of our years together and how I was a total greenhorn at feelings and relationships, how we took it so slow that we didn't have our first kiss until our sixth month of dating. How he was so sweet and understanding and never pushed but patiently waited.
    Somehow over our time together we also grew into each other. I always stop my re-do stories when I get to Poland, because that's where I start to reflect, where I think about Aster.
    I know that if I ever had a re-do I would avoid him like the plague. Make myself as unlikable and uninteresting as possible, because then he'd never approach me, never ask that one question that started it all. 'Hey, where do you go during free period?'
    Once or twice I imagined waking up at a younger age and finding out that he's from the future as well, but I feel like that's cheating. Having your SO remember too, just because you don't want to loose the precious memories between the two of you.
    I try not to read into this too much. Would you give up some of your most precious experiences just to be able to start you life all over again? Food for thought.

Alone

Sometimes you just want to be alone.

    There are days where I can almost always be around someone and be perfectly fine. On the other side of the spectrum there are days where I just wish to be left alone.
    I don't feel like speaking, nor laughing, nor expressing my emotions in any degree. I just kind of want to feel numb for a bit. Just get a bit of alone time where my brain doesn't have to do anything.
    One of my biggest problems is over thinking things. I just think too much sometimes. Whether it's about a situation, person or action. My brain will take it and over analyze it to hell. When I'm tired or exhausted this becomes even worse, especially since I tend to lean on the darker theories more than the positive ones.
    That's why sometimes I just want to be alone for a bit. Just give me a week of solitude where I can sit in my room and not have to worry about others for a little bit. Where I can just empty out my thoughts and clear my brain of all the mush.
    It's probably selfish to do such things, purposefully isolating yourself from the world. It's something that I know is wrong, but I still do it. The bad part is whenever I do this I will sometimes have darker thoughts than entirely necessary.
    My mind whispers that hey maybe it's a good time to break it off with Aster. I'll think up scenarios where I die and than wonder who I would speak my final words to, what I would say. I cry, I wallow, I let myself feel my self-hatred I drown myself in my negative emotions, all the while ignoring the cancerous voices in my head.
    Because when I do this, it's not to make myself feel bad or terrible, it's more of a catharsis than anything else. As fucked up as that sounds and as strange as this is going to seem. Sometimes just like how I need my solitude, there are times where I just need to delve into my negative emotions. Acknowledging them and accepting them.
    That way I can keep expressing the positive emotions to others while keeping the negative ones to myself. One day this will probably get me in trouble, but for now I'll continue this cycle. As long as it keeps me stable I should be okay.

Scenes of Sound

    A long time ago I used to watch a lot of anime. We're talking about the early 2000's where the kings of Shounen  Jump magazine were One Piece, Naruto and Bleach. Those were the days of the classic shounen based anime where a boy had some kind of adventure or destiny ahead of him.
    They were amazing and thrilling and honestly the best way I could have possibly spent my time in my middle school years. I don't watch anime anymore, not really. Once or twice a year I'll sit down and binge watch something when I get sick or don't want to leave the house, but the days of me staying home for hours on end to finish the season of my latest favorite are long gone.
    It's stupid to say this but I'm overwhelmed by the amount of new anime out there and after having lost touch with it for so long I'm a bit afraid to delve back in. Still this isn't about that.
    This is about music, specifically the songs that take me back to the days of yonder. Even though I no longer watch anime I occasionally find myself delving into the soundtracks of passed anime. It's something I've been doing more and more ever since I started playing Persona 5, there's something I've noticed while listening to a few songs.
    The songs from past watched anime, that were loved and adored by my younger self, ignite feelings inside of me that I haven't felt in such a long time. Most of the songs are instrumental, but I find myself whistling or humming along anyway. There are some that bring me chills and if I close my eyes I can picture certain scenes from the shows.

Precipice of Defeat - Bleach
I picture the first time Ichigo and Rukia meet, both about to die. So Rukia holds up her sword and Ichigo pierces himself with it in order to gain her powers. Thus saving them both and becoming a substitute shinigami.

Battle Ignition - Bleach
Ichigo stands before the shinigami forces in soul society. Rukia at his side about to be rescued from execution, but before they can escape Ichigo has to face off once again with Byakuya Capitan of the 6th division. This time he can't loose, but his eyes are clear, his resolve solid. They will win and escape.

Soundscape To Ardor- Bleach
Orihime has to give herself up to the enemy. They want her healing powers for themselves. If she doesn't come with them, they'll kill her friends. She knows they aren't strong enough, so in the dead of night she surrenders herself. Knowing that Ichigo will come for her and the journey will make him strong enough to save her.

Never Meant To Belong - Bleach
Rukia is in a pure white tower. She gave herself up to the soul society so Ichigo would be spared. She's isolated in a tower, reminiscing about her time in the human world and not regretting her choices. Meanwhile she mourns for the friends she's going to lose, unaware that they are coming to get her back.

Need to be strong - Naruto
Naruto and Gara are battling it out just outside of the village of Konoha. Gara's bijju has completely taken over his mind, while Naruto fights to free him and prove that just because you have a monster inside of you doesn't mean you have to be evil.

Strong and strike & TurnOver - Naruto
The battle seems hopeless everyone looks like there about to give in, but Naruto is adamant about beating the enemy. He refuses to give in, because there is always a way to win. As always he gets out his rasengan and destroys them after a long and tiring battle.

Sadness and sorrow - Naruto
There's a little boy with bright blond hair and whisker marks on his cheeks. Swinging alone away from everyone, because no one wants to play with the monster of the village.

Loneliness & Nightfall - Naruto
He's gone. The only man who was like a father to him, his master is gone. Naruto sits on a bench staring at a blue Popsicle that Pervy-Sage would always split with him. He used to complain that they should just get two, that way they'd get more ice cream each. Now though, he just wishes he still had someone to split it with.

Despair - Naruto
A little boy with bright red hair is holding on to the last piece of his heart. Everyone in the village hated him and was scared of him, even his older sibling were afraid. His father thought of him as a tool and he didn't have his mother, but he had his Uncle who loved him and taught him and cared for him. He just stopped someone from assassinating him again, but this time when he peeled back the mask he didn't see another sand ninja, but his beloved Uncle staring at him with hate filled eyes. This is how Gara lost his heart.

Uunan and the Stone - One Piece
For once the crew isn't happy-go-lucky, no. They have to go and save one of their own from the hands of the government. Robin may have left them, but they refuse to let her sacrifice herself out of some wrong sense of justice. They are getting there historian back!

Departure of the King of Pirates - One Piece
It's time to say goodbye to a new friend. For his dream is to become a Navy Admiral while Luffy is going to be the king of the pirates! They'll still be friends even if they are on different paths.

Angry - One Piece
They hurt Nami. They hurt his navigator and they made her cry. No one and he means no one treats his crew like that. So Luffy goes to the fish men base with a declaration for battle.

Tsuna Awakens - Katekyo Hitman Reborn
Tsuna has finally found his strength and is calm enough to focus  and use his flames to the fullest. He has no choice. He has to beat Xanus and become the next boss of the mafia family or else all his friends will die. It's do or die. And for once the nervous boy is calm and cool, ready to fight and win.

    There's so many more I could go through. Just picking pieces of music and letting my emotions wash over me, but I'll spare you. You've probably read more than enough. This is just something I wanted to write down in the hopes that I will remember this for as long as possible.

Run away....

It's cold and it's dark, but at the moment it really doesn't matter. 

Than again it hasn't mattered in a while. 

You stopped caring after your hope kept getting smashed to pieces. Each time you had a good day something knocked you down then kept you there. You thought it would get better, but it's only made you feel worse. 

You keep distancing yourself from everyone, playing a game with your outside emotions. Meanwhile inside all you feel is numbness.

It burns unlike the penetrating cold that greets you at night. It burns a hollowed hole inside you, reopening what was once sown shut. 

You can't ask anyone to fix it, not this time, not when you have to keep everything pleasant on the outside. You're so tired of keeping the peace, it's barely been two months, but all you want to do is run away from everything. 

Your soothing balm is out of reach. It's your own fault pushing him away, upsetting him, doing everything wrong. 

You always do everything wrong. 

While at home you tread carefully trying to keep a delicate balance. In your mind your trying to run from real life, looking for an escape. 

It's becoming difficult to cope. 

It's becoming harder to breath. 

It's becoming impossible to sleep. 

I want to run away from everything. I want to avoid everyone until 

I feel better again. Will I ever feel better again? 

All I know is that it hurts, right in the center of my chest where I feel a hole slowly searing itself into my soul. 

I'm a traitor and a coward. 

I just want to run away, break it off with everyone and never be seen again. That'd be stupid, wouldn't it? It still doesn't keep me 

from thinking about it though.

You should break up with me

You should break up with me.

    It's something I say to Aster at least once a month. We've been together for over three years now. It's both of ours first long and serious relationship, so I can't help but feel guilty in some way.
    We're both bi, we went to high school together, were in the same class. We started dating after high school and we've been together ever since. For the longest time now I've felt like we've been stuck in this weird limbo of wanting to take the next step but being unable to. So we just sit in this void.
    It's what makes me say 'you should break up with me.' It's not the only thing, still I think I say it too much. Especially recently, where I've been saying it almost once a week. He always gives the same answer when I say this, rolls his eyes and pretends to be annoyed. I'm glad he puts up with my bullshit, but I'm also scared that one day he will just say 'ok.'
    It's a day I'm expecting, because no matter how many times he says 'I'm in it for the long run' I will never believe him. Still if and or when the day comes that you finally agree to my absurd request then I want to have something to show you how I feel for you after three years of being together.

How could I prove to you that I love you?

I can't, not really.

Romantic gestures seem to elude me. Poetry, songs and chocolates always seem too cliche.

There is little I can do to prove my love for you.

I'm bad at expressing myself in your native tongue and I know I can't just say kocham cię.

So instead I'm writing it down here, where only I can read it. Because as always I can never be straightforward with you.

So how do I 'prove' my love to you?

    It's normal for me to feel sad. It's strange if I don't feel sad at least once a week. The sadness steams from a past I try to ignore, a future I pretend doesn't exist and a present I seem to constantly be struggling with. It creeps up on me during my day to day life, while I'm just trying to get by. Even when it's there I tend to be used to it.
    I'm used to being sad, feeling empty, putting on a mask and pretending every thing's okay. Sometimes though I have moments where I want everything to stop, suddenly right then and there. All it would take is a deep cut, an 'accidental' fall, a sudden sharp turn, it would be so easy and it can be very tempting. What keeps me from embracing the empty void that regularly calls me in my sleep?

You.

Because as long as we're together I would never be able to forgive myself for inflicting that kind of pain in you.

    I'm sorry it's not something more magical and flowery, but I'm not particularly good at that kind of thing. I apologize as if you'll see this. Maybe one day years after we've broken up you'll find this. If so, than Hello future Aster, I hope life has been treating you well and that you remember our time together at least somewhat pleasant.

    I apologize for the boring post, I seem to be having trouble writing much of anything recently. I'm gonna try to force myself to change that.