When did I learn to lie?

When did I learn to lie?

  

   "Mat, did you do all your homework today?"

   "Ya, mom I did all of it!" I would say while starring at the ground and trying not to smile.

My mother would put on a knowing smile, "Look at me when you speak Mat."  I would huff look her in the eyes and break out in a smile, which I would than apologize for lying and run off to do my homework. 

   That's how it was for me for the longest time, until I was 17 that's when I started to learn. My father taught me the basics; don't be afraid to look them in the eyes, make sure your lie is believable, tell a half truth if you can. The most important rule he taught me, keep them simple in order to keep track of them. Since than I've added, cover up your answers with sarcastic humor whenever possible in order to allow them to interpret your answer. 

    That last one works best with family members.

   "Mat, how did your exams go?"

   "Good, I passed everything! Now I just have to see if I get into a university!" Spoken with false excitement while trying to ignore the pain in my chest and the heaviness of my eyes.

   "Well I'm glad for you! Congratulations!"

   I've had a lot of practice lying to family members, mostly my mother, and now I don't even panic when I have to make something up. 

   "Hello honey! How have you been?"

   "I'm good mom! Reading a great book at the moment than going for training. How about you?"

   "I'm alright. Do you meet up with your friends sometimes? Hows Marta doing?"

   I cringe at the name, but my voice is kept obnoxiously cheery, "I see some of my friends at least once a week!" I reply thinking in my head, more like once a month. "And Marta's doing great! We don't get to see each other often though, because she has a lot of horse competitions this month. The seasons just started so I won't get to hear from her often." Yes, the season just started, but I haven't had any contact with her for over 6 months. She got tired of my and stopped talking to me. 

   "That's good to hear dear."

   I use to only ever have trouble lying to my father, I realized that has changed. All day yesterday I had dead eyes and not once did my father notice. I easily kept up with our normal banter and added in sarcastic scathing comments whenever possible. He had no clue how much he hurt me on the inside not noticing or caring. I wanted nothing more than a tight hug and a few calming words whispered into my ears. "It's going to be ok, we'll get through this." Instead I hear some of the most hurtful words in existence, "I figured this is how it would be," deep sigh, " You should have studied more." 

   This broke me, but on the outside I kept a cool blank mask with only a hint of sadness in my eyes. What did he mean by he knew!! He knew what!? That I would just pass with average joe scores and yet he still heaps these expectations on me!? He gave me hope and than he just stuck me down with that single comment. It hurt as if I was hit by lightning. I felt rage for a moment, but it quickly passed. There was no point in hating my father. I let him down and that was that. Hopefully he'll keep his expectations to himself now. I don't want to hear you complementing me or boasting about me anymore. There is no more to boast about nothing left to tell, to say. 

   I feel dead inside now and a few tears have spilled as I wrote this and continue writing. It's been a while since I felt this dead, but it doesn't change anything. I'm going to have to live with this now. You know it hurts being an average joe. Someone useless to society that even your father doesn't want you. At least he has my brother, but I hate to put the burden of expectations on him. I'm such a terrible older sibling. 

   I sometimes wish I didn't have to wait eight years. 

   I ended up getting that hug that I needed from a close friend of mine- Peter. We always hug when we meet, most of the time it's him doing the hugging while I stand there somewhat awkwardly. That day though I hugged him back and held on for a bit longer and tucked my head into his shoulder.Pete just held me tighter sensing that something was wrong, but allowed me to decide if I wanted to tell him. I might have ended up crying if we weren't in a public place, but I stayed quite and was great-full for the hug. 

   I know my relationship with my father will be different now, he will never know it, but I will. He will still be my father and I will still love him, but he will no longer be the center of my world. That has been broken and I now have to pick up the pieces and see what I can salvage. I think I'll plant a dandelion in the middle. After all it's a weed that can get through thick and thin. Give it enough time and it can grow to enormous proportions with thick roots and thorns. Who wants to be a rose when I can be an even more threatening weed? After all no one expects much from them. 

       

Begining of my last summer

    For once this isn't gonna a be a screwed up story where the narrator is constantly changing their gender or just the little story I've been writing on here. Although I do want to get back to that. Anyway as the title states this is my last official summer vacation. I graduated from high school at the end of April. Wrote all my matura exams in May and by the 21st I was pretty much home free. The only thing left on my conscious are my exam results and if I'll be accepted into university. I really hope I'm accepted, sigh, that is a topic for another time though. Although knowing me I won't touch it with a ten foot pole. Luckily I don't know anyone that tall.
    Cheesy jokes aside  wanted to write about two events/trips that happened to me these past two weeks. It's just gonna be me talking about them and my feelings blah, blah, blah. I just don't want to forget them too quickly so I'm writing them down in order to prolong them, hopefully.
   Ok, on to the topic! On Friday the 29th of May I went on a trip with my class, sort. It wasn't everyone in my class just 20 of them and two boys brought their girlfriends, plus it was after graduation, but one of the girls organized it since we never had a class trip during our three years of high school. Those who were interested went on a four day trip, in the countryside, next to a crystal clear lake. We rented three cottages from this center that had about a dozen or so of them, that were right next to a lake near a town called Łączyno. The town was over an hour away from where I lived and instead of going through the trouble of going by bus I was like "Hey, I got my license not too long ago why not make use of the sucker?" This caused my father to have a mini heart attack and he gave me driving lessons almost everyday until the trip. I thought it'd be a nice and calm drive down to the meeting spot, but my friend asked me how I was getting there and I had to tell him by car and that yes I had room to take him as well. Once I told him I knew I'd end up taking the rest of his/ our(?) friends as well. Here's the thing I don't mind driving Aster. I've dove him home a couple of times and he doesn't make fun of my driving skills. Now when it comes to Bell, General and Bas uuuhhhhgggg, no fucking clue. I guess I was more nervous of driving with a car full of people than anything else, while at the same time knowing one wrong move could kill all of them. That would send me straight to the seventh circle of hell. This helped to improve my driving skills, because I drove practically everyday.
   Well that fateful friday came and we all agreed to meet at my house at 2:30, aside from Bas who would be using my taxi service on the way back. Unsurprisingly, Aster came early and we sat and talked on my front steps since it'd been a while since we last saw each other. We talked till the appointed time and again unsurprisingly Bell texted us he'd be late, of course. I think it'd be against his nature if he was on time for once. By than my dad had gotten home and we loaded the car, set the gps and plugged in Asters mp3 player. Waiting, waiting and more waiting only to see Bell and General in the distance. Why did the walk instead of taking the tram? Asters explanation, because Bell's too much of a Jew to spend a few złoty. Sigh.
   The ride there was pretty calm and we listened to the beastie boys and the red hot chili peppers. Once we arrived though I found out we were only the second ones there and the rest would probably get there within the hour. I was in a different house than the others filled with three other girls (Ola, Dariah and Anii) and two boys (Kass and Kuba), all of which I got along with well enough. Although I have to admit as soon as I picked my bed, the only single in the house, and dropped my bag on it I was off. As in I disappeared for the next hour to explore the rest of the area.
   The land near the cottages was very hill with a lake not 50 feet away and a long dock. There were two fire pit sites, a basketball court with one hoop, a volleyball sand pit and a nice playground. There were a lot of stairs and things to jump over as well, so I got to use what little parkour skills I knew. While exploring I found out all the other houses were empty, meaning my classmates could be as loud as they wanted and not worry about grumbling neighbors. When I told them that I think I gave them an excuse to be even louder. Why me? By the time I got back to the others another car had arrived and I sat down with a few people (Michał, Patrycja, Maciek, Dawid and Krzysiek) and got free meat from there grill. This was the beginning of my survival on grilled sausages for the next two weeks. I ended up hanging out with them until the final car came, but I got bored so I disappeared again and didn't really show up until Aster dragged me to where everyone was gathering.
    They were all sitting on the biggest porch of our houses and grilling, listening to crappy music and drinking. I didn't take part in the drinking, cause I just didn't feel like it, but I socialized, which was surprising in and of itself. It was weird and funny. Bell and the General got drunk and passed out somewhere around nine. The morons drank a whole liter of vodka in 15 minutes. Sigh. It was kinda funny though. At one point Bell just stood up and ran to the bathroom. Where the toilet was his teddy bear till late into the evening, when some of his friends tucked him into bed. It wasn't so easy with the General. He started blabbering and at first it was funny, but than he thought he was at war and he started tumbling and pretending he was in a trench. Whenever he saw a girl he told them to run and save themselves, which earned him some points from them and in general thats where he got his nickname. Creative, I know, but it's funny.
   Once he passed out and was tucked into bed things calmed down, a bit. This is where I found out that one of the guys brought marijuana, that guy also lived in the same house as I did. Luckily he slept in a different room than and had the windows open when he smoked inside. Some of the guys thought it'd be fun to try, so they smoked a joint. One of them threw up and than went on about spoons for two hours before he just spaced out for the rest of the night. During this time everyone just drank more beer and there was a dance contest and mingling in general. I nodded off around 11:00 or so and headed back to my bed. No one made any rude comments about it though and when people came in to use our bathroom they were quite or at least tried to be. Although I was woken up at four in the morning because my housemates decided to play makało (a card game) I nodded off after a while though.
   The best part about going to sleep early is being the first one up. I quietly made myself a coffee, grabbed a muffin and my book and went to read for an hour on the dock. When it got cold though I went back inside and found everyone just waking up, so I continued reading. Once everyone was more or less awake I became a designated driver because I hadn't drunk anything the day before. So the girls made a list of things they would need and me and three guys (Kass, Kuba and Igor) drove to the store. They wanted to go to a specific supermarket that was a few towns over so I drove while Igor gave direction. That was a mistake. He had a map on his phone, but we still got lost three times! Honestly, it's really hilarious and something he was teased about once we got back. An interesting trip where we talked about american donut shops and how it's not surprising they have a problem with obesity there.
   Now I don't quite remember what I did, but I know I got back to see the end of a poker game which Aster took part in. I found out Bell was up and breathing, along with General. Once the poker game was over Aster, General and I went for a walk around the area. We went to see some horses that were farther down the road and walked through the forest. In the mean time General supplied us with plenty of babble about plants and animals found around us, while Aster and I made sarcastic comments and lazily tried to ditch him in the forest. I didn't work, but once we got back to the area where all the other cottages were we sat on a comfy porch in a different house, a bit farther away from our cottages. Mindless conversation ensured with Bell texting Aster where we were. He came brought food I left and brought more food and we had a mini feast. We sat there for a while, but it was pretty peaceful actually. Until Bas came along and informed us that there was a grill and if anyone wanted food they should come down to one of the houses. The General did, but Aster, Bell and I went back to my empty (yay) cottage and drank tea, where we finally came to the decision to hang out with the rest of the people there. I think we all ended up going to the grill where they were playing dark histories, mythical and regular version. I finally ended up drinking, but only a glass, my mother ended up calling at some point and she kind of ruined my good mood. When it comes to drinking my father has two rules- never drink alone and never drink when your sad or in a bad mood. These rules are golden to me and I'm gonna follow them. Off topic though.
   At one point I'm pretty sure Aster got bored and he noticed my bored so he said, "Walk?" To which I laughed and made my way away from everyone. I'm certain it was getting dark at this point, so at first we walked around the area where the houses were, bothered some cows, before deciding to leave the fenced in area again. At some point I'd gotten cold and hooked my arm around Asters for body heat to which he took it and put it around my shoulders. I think I almost squealed/fainted/ other when he did that. Also I know this sounds super cheesy, but ........ we fit really well together. His arm easily drapes on my shoulders and I can comfortably put my arm around his waist. Squealing aside We had a peaceful long walk and came back to find everyone cramped inside a dark house playing music. It was around 11 when we got back, so I just said goodnight and returned to my bed.
   The final full day was interesting to say the least. It started just like the day before, except instead of reading on the dock I read for two or more hours on the porch that the boys and I had our 'feast' on. I think I returned and made conversation with the people that were up when Aster came up and was like "walk?" To which I agreed and we left the compound/ area where our houses were at and made our way towards one of the villages we hadn't yet been to. This was the beginning of a long walk. We just kept walking on the dirt path and at some point Aster put his arm on my shoulders again. It was really comfortable, peaceful and I enjoyed it a lot. At one point we got to a city and asked for directions on how to get back to Łączyno. The lady said go left on the first crossing, what she should have said was the second crossing. We ended up getting to a place called Kamienne Łączyno, which is close in name but not the same. At this point we were both a bit tired and hungry and luckily Aster noticed a small hut in the distance that was one that we'd passed on our walk yesterday. We went through a few farming fields and one giant mining sand pit, but we finally returned! I think we were gone for almost four hours, so we gladly returned to find everyone laying on blankets outside, playing dark histories again.
     I plopped down on a blanket with tea, a sausage and some cookies. The cookies disappeared fairly quickly and after eating I just sketched for a bit while taking part in and listening to conversation. At one point  got bored again and disappeared for an hour to practice Kata. When I'd returned I asked Aster if he was up for another walk. We had a really strange conversation than where I brought up the subject of 'what if Bas and Bell where in a romantic relationship together?' That brought up a few wonderful laughs.
   We also decided to make a real bonfire since it was the last night. I'd asked everyone earlier if we would have one and it seemed everyone was eager, just no one wanted to do the work. So Aster and I stole some wood from one of the fancier cottages and set up the pit. I ran over to get some fire and once everyone found out what we had done they brought there blankets inside and slowly gathered by the fire. Not everyone went though, because a group of boys had been doing vodka shots for a while and were perfectly fine with doing there own thing, although they did come eventually.  I'd brought real american marshmellows and taught everyone how to make smores which was a blast. We also ate sausages since there was still a bit left over and just sat and talked around the fire till around midnight. This was my first real bonfire in the longest time. The last time I had one was most likely before the move. It was nice.
   Since it was the last night I decided to stay up a bit later. Aster helped me with this although at one point I'm pretty sure I dozed off on his shoulder. The class decided to play Hunters at one point. It's a game where there are two groups the hunters and the hunted. The hunted make clues that slowly lead the hunters to where they are. Our group was the hunters first and I came in handy with my knowledge of the area. I was also the only one who knew there were cows near the cottages and t was nice being helpful. Although it was funny how everyone was like 'so when you disappear you're just exploring the area?' Yup, we found the other group fairly quickly and my group was planning a sweet revenge on the others, but I was pooped and headed off to bed. I lasted till 1;30 though which was past my goal- midnight. I was woken at four in the morning though again. This time I kindly asked them to quite down which they then decided to go to sleep.
   The next morning passed quickly. I helped with clean up and just organizing the general chaos, until 12 or so where my group of misfits headed off. We were the first to leave since everyone else wanted to hang out at some lake not to far off, nobody in my car was interested though, so off we went. We drove back listening to rage against the machine and motorhead and dropped everyone off. When I got home I was pooped and ended up taking a nap and just sleeping on the couch for the rest of the day.
   All in all I had a lot of fun on this trip and honestly, I expected it to be a lot worse. I just took my fathers advice go with the flow and don't force anything and maybe it won't be that bad. It wasn't and I think it's something I'll look back fondly on. I wanted to also write about another trip that happened not two days after this one, but maybe that will be my next post since this one is already so long.

Maybe, I'll see you around?

                       

Drugi

   Once everyone had drunk their coffee, they quickly dispersed. Aleks went off to the sewers and who knows where the purple-head went. What does he do for work anyway? Egh, who cares. Long as he doesn't get in trouble. Shrugging his shoulders Mat got dressed in loose dark gray jeans, a navy blue long sleeve shirt and a thick light grey scarf, that wrapped around his neck twice and still hung to his waist. A plain worn leather messenger bag on his shoulder and he was out.

   Instead of leaving through the window like most residence of the town he left through the front door. I'm still too sleepy to be running across rooftops, probably slip and fall with the way I am now. It was early enough in the morning that most of the residence of Czapla were just waking, making it a peaceful morning. A few cafes and other business were open though including the one I'm headed to. It's a small cafe that difficult to distinguish from the others surrounding it, aside from the daily specials bored and name 'Not Athens.' 

    The cafe is your typical run of the mill coffee shop run by a friendly young couple Jack and Peter. You wouldn't know it by just looking, but the shops been there for a good 80 years or so, before the prohibition started and all that other bullshit. Jack's grandparents started the shop, his parents took over and finally Jack and his lover started running it a couple years back. The founder old lady Yama is still around, but she helps out in the back. 

   Entering I'm greeted by Jack, "Morning Mat, how are you doing?"

"Lot better than you. You my friend look like shit."

Jack just sighs at my language while preparing my usual, "Well when you get as much sleep as I did yesterday, what do you expect?" 

"Guess your right," I sigh. Looking around I notice the shop is empty allowing us some freedom of speech. "So did they get anything from the back?" I ask worried about my friends and Sam.

"Doesn't seem like it," he answers, "but Sam, Peter and the old lady are looking over everything to be sure."

"Was anything stolen?"

"Nah," shrugged Jack, "seems like some punks wanted to test our security and locks. They didn't get in though just set off the alarm. Though everyone's checking just in case. "

"Better safe than sorry." 

"True that my friend," smiled Jack. This brought some sparkle to his grey eyes, although his shoulders still drooped a bit and his fire red hair was in a messy high ponytail. The tall man still looked tired but less stressed at least. 

"Mind if I check on the char?" I asked using the code word to get in back.

"Go right on ahead," smiled Jack as he let me through and turned to greet some more customers, regulars by the sound of it. 

   Making my way through the back I made a few turns before happening upon a 'dead end,' which in actuality was a hidden door, the handle to get in was just in the floor. Entering today's code into the key pad the door slid open and I walked through a holographic wall made a few more turns, walked through another wall and finally found my way to the hidden library. Library's have long since been a thing of the past, with only a few speak easy in every city. This was one of the bigger, older and more well stocked ones. All thanks to old lady Yama, speaking of her, where is she? Looking around the front entrance I found it empty, so I started to make my way farther into the maze of illegal books and written works. Not all books are illegal, but anything made over 100 years ago is, while books written today have to follow a set of guidelines. The guidelines are total bull though and don't allow authors much freedom, so a grey market was formed. It works closely with the black market, but is still a separate market of it's own.     

   After a few minutes of walking I happened upon a grumbling Sam kneeling on the floor. "Morning alarm clock!" I say cheerfully, causing her to grumble and glare at me in annoyance. "Hey, that's no way of treating someone who brings you coffee." I whine, "maybe I'll just give it to Peter."

  I didn't get to finish my sentence, before Sam swiped my coffee and greedily drank it down. "It's nice to see you too log pillow," she finally spoke after a few moments of silence. The red head took a few more gulps of coffee before handing me back an empty cup. "Arigato," she spoke in her native tongue, "I'm not sure how much longer I would have lasted without the gods mixture."

  Chuckling at her joke I reply, "spoko, figured you could use some after leaving in such a hurry. So what's the sitch?"

"So far everything seems to be in place. Peter and I have gone through everything on the ground and upper floors, but Yama-san is still checking through the restricted section." I nod and listen while we make our way towards the back of the shop. Sam sets up the coffee maker and starts to rummage through the fridge looking for food. "Where are the other's?"

"They both had work to get to, so only I came."

"Mhmm," Sam just gave me a questioning glance while making herself a sandwich.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing at all." she smiles.

"I'm on top of my work, don't worry." I roll my eyes, "Please I'm even ahead at the moment, but I will have to come here later to work with some original texts. Having trouble translating something."

"You ahead and having trouble, wow." replies Sam as she takes a bite of her sandwich.

"Cut the sarcasm Sasha, you know my native language is screwed up. Honestly, I'm not surprised so few people speak the damn thing, but kurwa sometimes it's difficult to translate."

"I know," she sighs, "I've seen some of the texts before and they go completely over my head, but they're important."

"Yup," I sigh, "if they weren't I'd be without a job."

   "You'd probably end up working here," says Peter as he walks in, "hello by the way. My sides all clear." He say's directing the last part towards Sam, she nods and say's the same. Peter looks just as tired as Jack, so I quickly pour him and Sam a fresh cup of joe. I get a thank you from the both of them and Sam stands to make more sandwiches. Peter sits at the table his orange colored hair looking as if he just got out of bed and his green eyes looking drained. Poor guys probably been up longer than Jack helping the old lady. 

   Think of the devil and he will come or in this case she. Old lady Yama looks ancient, but she's in good health and full of energy. Her long silver hair was up in a messy bun, while her eyes usually filled with green mischief now looked worried. "We are missing a book." Silence filled the room and no one dared speak, so she continued on, "the book 'When the sky was blue..' is gone." This only caused confusion for me. It's bad that a book is missing, but I didn't recognize the title and I knew all of the rare and valuable books that were found here.

    Looking to Sam I could see that she too was confused, but Peter had a worried look on his face. "Shit," he said as he gripped his coffee tightly. "This is bad, that was a book that explained quite a bit of our past history. It told of times before the prohibition, before everything changed. That book was one of the few texts that allowed us to understand our past and allow us to form our own opinions of it. There are very few of them left, less than twenty I think. This is bad, we have to get it back Yama-san."

"I'm aware of that," she spoke, looking towards Sam and me she commanded, "call the westerner. Tell him we will pay anything to get that book back." Sam was on the phone before Old lady Yama finished the sentence.      

Pierwszy

     I played with the cigarette in my hand while staring out the small window. It was ajar, allowing the smoke to leave the room. Aleks hated it when the room smelled like smoke and I didn't feel like hearing his shouting first thing in the morning. Then there was Mat who always smoked with the window closed. This caused quite a few quarrels between the two. Luckily Sam convinced Mat to just go outside when smoking. How she did that I'll never know, but the flats a bit more peaceful thanks to her.
     Staring back out at the window and taking a deep drag from my cancer stick I took in the view. As was customary for this hour the sky was a deep dark purple, although you could see brighter spots around the edge of the horizon. The sun would be up in an hour or so turning the sky lavender instead. Hopefully there'll be some clouds. Their navy blue color will keep the sky from being a total eye soar. If I'm lucky it'll rain, but it's not the season for it so I doubt it. The bare black barked trees lined the paved streets, standing out thanks to the fallen snow. The street was empty, all the shops were closed, no living soul seemed to be out. Only the occasional vehicle disturbed the silence, that and the strange noise that the deaders would occasionally give off.
     After a while I could hear the other tenants start to rise from their covers, so I finished my last stick and started the coffee machine. We were all assholes without coffee, myself more so than the rest. That was one of the reasons I woke the earliest, well that and I just enjoyed the quite in the morning.
     "Morgen," yawned out Aleks as he walked into our main room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He was still in his ocean blue pj's and his navy blue hair was a total mess. I handed him a freshly brewed cup of Joe and he nodded in thanks, before taking a seat at the dining table and zoning out the window. Aleks the youngest out of all of us, but he's the most athletic and is just as good with people as Sam.
      I hear a thump from upstairs while cooking breakfast, but pay no mind to it. Mat either rolled out of bed or Sam kicked him out of it. Either way someone was coming down the small spiral staircase. "Dobry," says Mat as he shuffles to the table and plops down next to Aleks who's finally starting to wake up. "We having eggs for breakfast?"
"Yup," I reply slicing up some zucchini. "Can you make some toast Aleks?"
"Sure, want some coffee Mat?"
"Please," the lazy green headed boy says.
With breakfast done we dig in. "Is Sam showering?" I ask.
"She had to get to the library before it opened," replied Aleks.
"Something happened?" questioned Mat chewing on some egg.
"I think she said something about a break in, but I'm not sure."
"Why not go see?" asked Mat, polishing off his plate.
"Can't," I replied, "I've got a job to get to in an hour."
"I also have duties," spoke up Aleks, gathering the plates and refilling our mugs with coffee.
"Guess I'll see what's going on by myself than," shrugged the greeny.
     With that we drank in a comfortable silence before getting ready and setting out for the day.      

Ornaments

"What a coincidence that out of all the days of the year the first snow day happens today." Sighed an averaged sized brunet. Looking out the open window while drinking coffee with a smoke in hand. "I love snow, but today I'm just not in the mood for happiness."  Wallowing in silence only frustrated the human, so grabbing his black jacket and sweatshirt he made his way outside.
   Going out didn't seem to lift his mood as he walked along the empty streets. Many people were in church or with their families today. Making her feel all the more isolated. "It's so quite, with only the crunch of fresh snow to accompany me. How sad." Her feet lead her everywhere and nowhere as the human made her way to the tram station. "Are they evening functioning today?" He asked no one in particular. His question was answered when a lone tram rode up and stopped. It wasn't one of those newer trams, but an old fashioned one with peeling red paint, squeaky doors and uncomfortable plastic chairs. He climbed in and noticed that this tram had no number unlike the usual trams.
   Getting in she was assaulted by a wave of warmth that made her shiver to her bones. "Can I get a ticket please?" she asked the conductor. "No tickets today," he replied. "Ok, where does this go to?"
"I'll tell you when it's your stop," smiled the kind looking driver. With that said the conductor started the tram and the brunet took a seat.
   It was strange for a stranger to know your destination before you yourself did, but at the moment the human was so lost he payed it no mind. He stared out the window, watching the scenery drive by and at one point started to wonder if the tram was moving or if everything outside was. "I haven't drunk anything and yet I'm having such strange thoughts." He sighed loudly and focused on the falling snow that was slowly starting to blanket the earth. "I'm going to end up in the loony bin for sure."
   Zoning out and just letting her thoughts wander allowed the human become just a bit more numb inside. It was broken after a while though when the driver called out "It's your stop." Seeing as she was the only one on board he got off only to sigh in annoyance. "I'm in Old Town just great. There's going to be people here, but isn't that what I want?" Slowly making way towards his unknown destination he only huffed in frustration. "I don't even know what I want."
   All city centers were dressed in lights at this time of year and this one was no different. Entering the center you were greeted by three giant, white, round ornaments made from lights. She stopped to observe the decorations only to notice the rest of the area. There were many white and blue lights all around the entrance and farther as the brunet continued walking. With the falling snow and eerily quite streets he made his way towards the center of the town with the knowledge that a giant tree was at the center of it all. "Old town is usually brown and red, because of it's bricked building, but today it seems to be lite like a pure white hearth." Once she reached Long street she found some people. Just a few couples and groups of families, but because of the dancing snow many of them were seeking shelter either in the small cafes or in their homes. "They seem happy," grumbled the human, somewhat jealous. "No banish those thoughts, bad bad bad."
   He did by grabbing a cigarette and lighting it as he stopped in front of the giant spruce tree. It was decorated in white and blue lights just like everything else with big ornaments and a star at the top. Around the bottom of the tree you could see people had hung up their own ornaments. They were different shapes and sizes, colors and made of different materials. Some people had even hung up chocolate and cookies. This brought a small smile to the brunets face, because around the tree was a metal fence about two meters tall and yet people still disobeyed the law. All so they could hang an ornament. "How silly."
   She was brought out of her thoughts by the ringing of the clock tower. "Oh, it's three, about time I head back." Instead of heading home though she stood there in front of the tree admiring the people who hung the illegal ornaments. He took a drag from his cancer stick and spoke in a soft whisper "I'm glad today isn't a miserable day for everyone. Maybe one day it won't be miserable for us either."
   With that the human walked on, back to the tram stop to return to an empty home.           
 

Maybe I'll see you around...

And we all fall down........

   into the ground, with only the rain to get our asses into gear. Ok, random crazy quote, thing aside lets get to the point. That being said I've been meaning to write for so long, but I've either been to lazy too or swamped with work. Now instead of doing work I decided to procrastinate by finally writing! Anyway I have a lot of shit in my head at this moment and I'm going to try to write down everything, so that it can somehow organize itself in my head. So here's my warning this thing is most likely going to be long, chaotic and make absolutely no sense. Hell, if I come back to it say in two months time I'll most likely understand nothing from these rambles. Oh, well- shrug shoulders- what are you gonna do about it. Fucking nothing, that's what.
   Anyway, coming to my first point you have most likely realized I'm swearing a lot more than usual. There's a few reasons for this, the first being the literature I'm reading at the moment is not afraid to use profanities, but at the same time doesn't overuse them and they've just kinda sunken into my vocabulary. It's fine as long as I don't say something to terrible around my father. Luckily I seem to have a natural filter in my mouth, so when I'm around him I barely slip up. Even if I do I'm at the age where my father doesn't mind as long as I'm not cussing in every sentence. So, yay! I've also noticed that swearing along with masturbating is a great way to get rid of stress. There are plenty of times where a few females in my class will piss me off and I feel much better after going through a few colorful nicknames I have made up for them. I never say them out loud, because that'd be even more troublesome. Honestly, they give me enough of a headache as it is. I'd prefer that they forget about my existence as soon as possible.
   Swearing aside this seems to be the school year of 'make the emotionally stunted, shy genderless use all her abysmal people skills to get her life in order'- or MESSGUAHAPSLO. Eh, I'll probably try to come up with something shorter latter. Probably when I'm sitting in school bored out of my mind or just spacing out. Ya, anyway point being I have to do a lot of shit for this year, which bugs me a crap ton, but I know I have to do it for I can no longer rely on my father like a child. Legally I am now an adult and it's about time I started to be more responsible even if that involves talking with people and pretending to be social when in reality I'm thinking of ways to dissect the person in front of me as painfully and slowly as I can. Has anyone else thought of cooking eyes like marshmallows or making them into lollipops? Let's just say I don't lend people my notes anymore. Anyway it's all annoying with learning how to drive, calling banks, doctors and driving instructors, having my matura exams in less than eight months and being called in front during kung fu training to show something to the beginners. Uh, that last one is probably the worst. I was called up twice on Friday and on the outside I might have looked calm, but inside I was a nervous wreck and just wanted the ceiling to suck me up. Shoot me into the sky and then go plop. Maybe land on an unsuspecting annoying twat- yup, that would definitely ruin someones day.  
   Ok, just came back from a three hour lunch break- no I will not tell you how a one hour lunch break escalated into three, lets just say fanfiction and leave it that- and don't remember what my train of thought was doing, but lets just say the conductor took a day off and there's a circus on board along with a few asylum patient transfers.
   Now school started about two weeks ago for me, September first to be exact- a fucking monday!- and the start of the second world war. I always find it hilarious when school starts on the first. School can be a war zone for some kids with all the tests, homework, frickin annoying teachers and don't even get me started on moronic classmates- just no. Anyway, because it's my last official year in high school - fucking finally!!!!! I decided that maybe I should try to be a good student like in my innocent days- ehem jr. high. So maybe if I write down my goals here I just might kick my ass into gear and actually start to study, because if not then I'm screwed. Yay! No, I want to get into the university of my choosing so that I can become a computer programmer and eventually work from home. That is my dream- kind of- at this point in time. So my goal is to have a grade point average of 4.0 at the end of both my semesters! Something I came close to achieving last year in my final semester getting a 3,9. Oh so close. Not that it really matters, my father would be happy, but he's more interested in my Physics and Math grades, because I'll be writing the advanced exams for those subjects along with English (basic and advanced), Polish (basic) and I think that's it. I was thinking about writing the one for computers as well, but I heard it's crazy difficult and I may not be a total slacker in comp. class, but I'm no over achiever either. This means I have to put a shit ton of work into both math and physics  (damn that's annoying to spell I keep wanting to write fizyks) which I have not started doing yet. I also have that book assignment to read for polish class and I still haven't touched it yet. It's not that I don't like reading, I just have trouble reading things that other people tell me to read. Also fanfiction. It's taking up way to much of my time, I really have to try to curb that habit. I think that's everything when it comes to school so on to the next subject- driving!
   Which I have to say scared the hell out of me the first time I got behind a wheel. I officially started my driving lessons two weeks ago and so far have been doing ok, but it's still over whelming. After every driving lesson I come back with a stress induced headache with me wonder if I'll last till the end. I remember my first lesson where after five minutes of driving back and fourth in the parking lot my driving teacher had me go out on the streets. Lets just say the first thing to go through my mind was "No fucking way, you've got to be Jashin shitting me." Yup, crude language at it's finest folks. I continued to swear profusely in my head while driving on the road, glancing at the mirrors from time to time and trying to remember to switch gears. Ya, did I mention I'm learning how to drive a manual car or stick shift or whatever the heck it's called in english. I didn't do it on purpose, even though I wanted to learn on a manual, but it's still bloody difficult and nerve wracking when your starting the car or drive and you put the wrong gear on and the car turns off. Luckily most drivers know to be careful around the learning cars which tend to have a big blue L sign on top of the car and often on the sides as well. Conveying to other drivers 'Careful there's a high chance that the person behind the wheel barely knows how to drive.' Thank you magic L, thank you. So as you can see I'm having tons of fun learning how to drive.
   Now this next topic is not as light hearted as the rest, but it's something I would like to write down so I don't forget it. First a bit of back story, about a week or so ago I had a strange dream. I don't remember all of it, but I remember that my father suddenly died for some strange reason and then a few days after his death my brother passed away as well. Now what shocked me the most was my behavior in my dream I was numb when I heard of there deaths and somewhat in denial, but I never showed any of this on the outside. Outside I looked like I was made of stone which caused my mother to say I was a heartless monster (again). I never shed a tear for them in that dream, even though I care for both of them, all I felt was cold and empty. When I awoke I was a bit surprised at what I had dreamed up, although I easily deducted that it was my fault for the dream, because I was feeling guilty for not spending much time with my father recently before I feel asleep. This strange dream brought up a lot of thoughts that rarely come up, but what frightened me the most was, would I actually not cry at my brothers and fathers funeral? Would I be so stone faced that my mother would call me emotionless (again)? Yes to the last one, but no to the first. I think I would be shocked and I would cry, but that's something I'd prefer to do in the confines of my room- alone. Sure that might be heartless of me, but it's not something I haven't done before (kind of).
   When my first grandfather died I was ten and I cried a lot when I found out, but it was mostly in my room when I was alone. I cried a bit in my parents arms to find comfort, but at the funeral I don't remember outright crying like my cousins and younger brother did. I remember being sad that I'd never see him again and I shed a few more tears as I said my last goodbye, but I don't think I cried that heavily there. My memory isn't perfect, but I don't think I'm wrong when it comes to this. I'll have to ask my father when he gets home (if he remembers how I acted then). When my second grandfather died when I was 14 I wasn't surprised he'd been in a partial coma for over a year after he'd gotten hit by a car and as cruel as this might sound I was expecting it. I think I shed a few tears for him, but at the same time I can't be sure if I cried at all. Yes, I'm heartless I'm aware of that, but ever since he was switched to the coma ward it just felt like only his body was left while his spirit had long since left. There was a time where he woke up- a couple of times actually- mostly when my grandmother visited him. Even though he'd awaken he would rarely speak, but he would look at his wife and squeeze her hand. I was privy to this once by chance. My grandmother and I went to visit him while my brother and father went to go find my uncle, who worked at the hospital. My grandfather awoke for a few minutes and held my hand while he stared at me and I looked at his milky blue/green eyes. He gave my hand a tight squeeze before he fell asleep and that was the last time I saw my grandfather, before my grandmother pulled the plug. Even though he died on that day, to me he died the last time I saw him after that last tight squeeze. I shed no tears on that day, but my heart felt heavy as I left the hospital. That is a memory that I will cherish.
   All of this self thought brought me to the conclusion that no matter how big of a pain in the ass it may be to watch a boring movie with my father or have to deal with my mother when I call my brother it's worth it. Adding that small memory to my brain, enjoying the happiness on my fathers face as we spend time with each other, either watching a movie or just eating breakfast together or talking about how annoying going to school/work is. Making sure that even though I'm not there for my brother I can still bug him on the phone, because one day someone will be gone. Out of everyone in my family ie: my brother, sister, father and mother I hope I'm the first to die. I'd rather not be called a heartless monster by those around if when it looks as if I'm not mourning, even though on the inside I am. Life is a fickle little thing, isn't it?
   Sigh, on that note I think I've gone over everything I've wanted to write about. Meaning I should start studying for my history test on wednesday, but ummm hmmmmm, maybe later. I think I have laundry that I have to do. What do you mean I already did it? Shut up Czapla, no asked for your opinion. Ya, well these aren't the states and you're not even a citizen! Ya, sorry about that he  occasionally pops up for no random reason, probably because I don't really have any friends my age.
Oh, I knew I forgot something! Friends I forgot about that wonderful sparkly atomic bomb of doom subject. Did I mention that the unicorns of Atlas mountains most likely control it- no- well now you know. So when I started school this year I made a rule for myself called the 'give up on friends' rule. Yes, yes it sounds harsh, but it's been put in place so that I don't come back depressed from school every single frickin day. ya, I'm done with the emo train. I boarded it, went through all the compartments, couldn't find a seat and promptly exited it while in transit to it's next stop. I fell off a bridge and landed inside a lake with a shit ton of broken bones, but I'm not going back. Those piranha got my ass into gear and fast. Sillyness aside I decided I'm not going to chase after people to try and befriend them, I'll give others a chance, but if they don't want it I'm not gonna try. No point in wasting energy, especially since I don't mind being alone and take pleasure just from looking at a beautiful blue sky or enjoying the wind or sun. That's why I'm done trying. If I make friends cool, if not oh well maybe another time. I'm alright with acquaintances and good books are even better. Or my brother and sister, but they're out of reach at the moment so I have to make do with what I have.
   Now on to my final note, don't worry it's pretty short, although I'm surprised you've lasted this long since Czaplas long since fallen asleep on the piano in the corner of my room- silly bird. I spend a lot of time on youtube, just like most teenagers these days. With this comes watching vloggers of all kinds and it makes me wonder if I should start vlogging. I'd most likely still write on here, because I love writing and sometimes its not the same as talking, but I'm curious. I think it'd be fun to start vlogging, but I don't really know how to do it. The thing holding me back the most though is the fear that if I post it on youtube someone that I know will see it and make fun of it, taunting me or just making my life miserable. At the same time I could where a mask or something, but I don't want to hide. it's something I've been thinking about doing for a while, but am at a stagnate as to what to do.
Hm, who knows maybe I'll make up my mind eventually.

See ya around, maybe...

                 

Four years

   Today marks the day of my four year anniversary. No, I'm not married. Exactly four years ago on this day I officially moved here. It used to be my brothers and my anniversary, but as of last year it's just mine. Is it a silly thing to remember? The day you moved out of a country into a new one to start anew, but not of your own accord. I remember when we first landed I was a bit nervous, but it didn't really feel like I lived here- not yet. It was the middle of summer, so it felt like summer vacation. Even if our house was being remodeled. My brother and I still shared the same room, we still spoke in a different language and most of the time it was just the two of us. Just like when we would come here for the summer, so that what it felt like. At the time I wasn't aware that I was keeping my emotions bottled up. My brother voiced his displeasure quite often, but eventually stopped seeing it was pointless. So I kept my emotions locked up, until one night I couldn't sleep, so I decided to read my friends present.
   About a week before my move I held a party at my house with my friends from school and they surprised me by bringing me presents. One of them was a trunk with letters inside them. Each letter was from one of my friends. They wrote them hoping I'd read them at the party so they could see me cry, but I tucked them away and said I'd save them for another time. They were of course disappointed, but quickly got over it.
   So there I sat looking at this small pile of letters, sometime in the middle of the night, and started to read them. They made me laugh, smile and cry. That's when it hit me. I would most likely never see most of these girls again. I'd never go to school with them or talk to them- anything. It felt strange and at that moment the dam just burst. I broke into silent sobs, but the tears streamed down my face. I remember needing to talk to someone-anyone- so I tried calling a few of my friends. None of them answered, except for Nikki.
   We talked for a bit, but not long. I think she was uncomfortable with the state I was in, but I told her I read the letters and I thanked her. After this I told myself to get some sleep and to get it together. My past was my past, now I have to look forward. It hurt to think like this, but over time the pain turned into a dull throb. I never read the letters again. I'm not sure why. I've looked over them, but never read them. I'm not sure if it's just to keep passed memories locked up or it's because I'm afraid of my reaction to reading them again.
   Anyway after that I started school and probably had one of the most stressful years in my life. That's an anthill I want to burn. Along with the next year too. I'm not sure if I wrote about this, but my first school in this new place wasn't a very good one when it comes to caring for the students. If you had straight As and perfect attendance than they treated you very kindly, but if you were an average student, just bringing down the grade average. They'd rather you transfer school than help you out. Honestly, that was a load of batshit and even thought those two years were my toughest I actually learned something from that fuckin sanatorium. That school showed and taught me first hand that life can be cruel, brutal and heartless. If it wasn't for my friend Marta I might have come out of that school even worse than I had. My father once told me that while attending the school I'd become a lot quieter, meeker and even more shy. I still am those things, but it's not as bad. I've rebuilt some of my confidence and now I watch what I say a bit more closely.
  After that the next two years weren't as stressful, but they were still tough. My mother left us, then I left my brother. I had a good awful summer last year and my hormones and emotions were so out of control for a good eight months after. Now though life's slowly calmed down. I still get the occasional blues, but it doesn't control me anymore. I've been looking into myself a bit and experimenting- kind of.
  A few months back I found this channel on youtube-a blog- of this boy called Alex. Well a couple of videos into the blog I realized he was actually a she and this channel was her way of document her life. She was a FTM (female to male [don't remember the technical term]). This interested me greatly, because I'd heard of cross dressing, but I never though people felt uncomfortable in there own bodies. This got me thinking about myself, because I have more than once wished I could be a boy. I'm just not feminine. I hate my chest, but I don't hate my body. I've learned to accept my body and I'm slowly falling in love with it. That aside I was interested in FTMs and I was curious whether I was one. After a week of searching on the internet for more information, trying out compression shirts and just reflecting I realized something. I couldn't give a bigger crap if I were a boy or a girl. I don't mind being mistaken as a boy, nor do I care if I'm called a girl. My names pretty, but sometimes I'd prefer to be called Mat. It was thanks to this tiny yet mind blowing revelation that I started to accept my body. I'm still not a fan of my boobs, but honestly compression shirts make me look completely flat (almost), so that's my compromise for now.
    Overall looking back at my four years they weren't the happiest, but now that I've gone through those raging hormones and some drama. I think I'll be able to handle it better next time I have to go through something similar. Hopefully.

Maybe, I'll see you around?