I wonder if something in me is broken?
Well there are a lot of things that are broken.
I can't always understand my emotions.
I take part in activities that are self-destructive.
I'm never confident in my relationship.
It doesn't feel like my partner loves me, even though they say they do.
Yet, I still feel like this is just a comfortable arrangement for them. Every time I bring it up they say its not like that and they'll try to do things differently so that I don't feel that way, but it feels like nothing ever happens.
That's another thing broken about me; I'm too needy.
I just... ugh. I don't even really know how to explain my frustrations. We went on a date yesterday. I planned everything they were just along for the ride. Good for them because they hate making decisions, but the entire time it just felt like they were humoring me. We dressed up nicely for this and I tried to make it romantic, just to bring some life back into our relationship, but sigh. I feel like I failed.
I feel like I'm constantly failing in this relationship. It feels like they aren't attracted to me anymore. They only do it with me just to keep up pretenses. They find me boring and not very stimulating to talk to.
It feels like I was the prototype relationship and now they need to find someone similar to me, but just smarter and better looking. Cause I feel like I'm just constantly disappointing them. And I know I should talk with them about it, but I've brought up the whole 'It doesn't feel like you love me' a few times and promises are made but are never kept.
Which just cements the facts that this is just a comfy arrangement.
So I wonder every time they come home if today will be the day they tell me, 'I've found someone else who makes me feel more love than I ever did for you. I'm leaving you for them.'
I know I can't just let these thoughts sit and simmer. I know I have to bring it up with them again, but I'm just tired of the 'ok, things will change,' but then they never do.
I keep wondering if I keep doing things for them that could make them happy, will they start to reciprocate, but its been months and honestly I don't even think they've noticed.
It might just be easier to go through the stages of grief and end this relationship.
Better sooner rather than later, eh?
Even that joke makes me want to cry.
I just feel like crying, but tears won't fall.
Still, it's raining somewhere.
