This week was probably one of the fucking hardest for me for the first time in a long while. I was stressed from Sunday to Sunday, my body was physically exhausted, I developed a fever during a pandemic which made my stress levels go even higher and my brother thought I forgot his birthday and there is nothing I can say to make him think otherwise.
To sum up this week has been absolute shit.
I was so excited for Friday evening, I'd finally get a break, relax with Aster, maybe drink a bit cause after all the shit I went through I just wanted to relax. Nope. The world went fuck you your shitty week is continuing. I hate this. Right now I almost hate you.
I come home, excited to see you and want to talk with you and hang out with you. What do I get? The fucking cold shoulder, because your angry at yourself that you messed up the rice. Thanks that made my mood instantly drop. Instead of slight joy all I felt was anger, sure you told me later why you did what you did but the damage was already done.
Now, well now I don't even want to tell you about my day. You didn't even ask so what would be the point in saying anything. We live together and this entire week I think you're completely unaware of what I went through. I really just wanted some support from you. You didn't care at all when I was sick, didn't even offer to take the dogs out for a long walk that day. You don't know about the fucking panic attack I had because another dog got loose and attacked Daisy and Bax. And all of Daisy's progress, all the work socializing her, went down the fucking drain. You don't know how my Boss made a complete and utter fool of himself in front of an important company, potentially losing us these clients; a group of people that I really enjoy teaching. You don't know about my nerves to present our idea for my final paper to pass college. You don't fucking know.
Because I haven't told you a damn thing.
I never feel like I can talk to you about mundane things. I've been taught to not speak about my troubles because my families only reply is 'Too bad. Suck it up. You have to finish school.' I know I have to finish school. All I ask for is some support. I'm not asking you to do my assignments or a go to lectures for me. All I ask is that you give me a tight hug and whisper 'Do your best. Keep trying. I know you can do it.'
It's not much is it?
Is it too much to ask?
Then again I can't even accept hugs anymore. I've just gotten used to not getting them. I don't ask for them. I don't want to ask for a fucking hug. Oh hey partner dear, could you move your ass and give me a hug cause I'm in physical and emotional pain here? No, ya that's fine I'll just throw myself in front of this truck. That will make the pain go away.
I've had those thoughts recently.
So I've been trying to stay away from busy streets.
It'd be so easy to just trip, wouldn't it?
Reading has been helping me a lot. When I read my mind is solely focused on the story in front of me. Everything else I'm thinking about just fades away. I wish I could write a story like that one day. I don't know if I'll ever write again.
This was written to just get stuff off my chest. I'm so stressed right now balancing work and school. I know I'm not the first or last person to do this. I know of plenty of students who are in the same boat as me. My respect goes out to them, because I'm only one month in and I already want it all to be over.
I can't think about Aster and my one sided relationship problems. Right now, unfortunately, that is not as important as finally finishing school. I need to be done with it. I'm tired of having the same conversation with him over and over. I begged him for more physical affection because I NEEDED it, it decreased so much that I feel like I'm forcing myself to have sex with him sometimes. FUCK, don't even get me started on the pregnancy scare I had recently. That was absolute shit. I wonder if maybe we're not cut out to be a pair. I still care for him and love him, but I feel like I'm doing so much work in this partnership, that it doesn't even feel like a partnership.
I want to sleep but I know when I wake up more work waits for me. More things need to be done. I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm such a weak willed person.
