Its a stupid and impulsive decisions and for a split second as I hurl myself into a deep ravine, I try to grab a branch to stop myself from falling. It slips through my fingers though and I'm left tumbling downwards for who knows how long. At one point I pass out as my head smacks into something rough while continuing my fall.
I'm such a fool.
I think as I'm starring up at the darkening sky. Can't even choose a proper hole to kill myself in. Still I can't move and all I can do is think, the one thing I don't want to do right now. Trying to stand is futile, one of my legs is definitely broken and I can't move my left arm.
The tears that roll down my eyes aren't from pain, instead they mock me and my stupidity. I just wanted my thoughts to stop, for everything to stop. Instead of going to someone, talking with them I unsuccessfully throw myself off a fucking cliff. Too hurt to get up and too lost to call for help. Fuck, Zin and Larkspur are going to kill me if I don't die from exposure first. And what about Az? Fuck, I'm leaving behind people that actually care for me, because the one I cared about most doesn't give a shit about me.
The wail I let out when this thought surfaces is heartbreaking. Fuck, I'm a terrible human being. I'm going to die here for them?
No.
I'm dying here because I thought I wouldn't be able to continue living without them. Now, now when it's too late I realize I lived without them before and I can live without them again. I have precious people that I care about, even if I am shit at showing it.
My laughter bubbles up and I choke on tears, or no that's blood. Fuck can I bleed out faster? Am I even bleeding? Hopefully internally. I'm a stupid human being.
I don't deserve to live.
Maybe I can reach my phone? I wiggle my one working arm and clench my teeth as pain shutters through my body barely pulling my phone out of my inner sweatshirt pocket. How it survived the fall I have no clue, but I can see five missed calls, three from Aster, fuck them right now, and two from my dad.
Shit, how long have I been down here? Who should I call? What do I say? Do I just call an ambulance? But I don't even fucking know where I am! Maybe I'll just not call anyone. Let myself lie here as I try to convince myself that my attempted suicide wasn't a spur of the moment thing.
My thoughts are broken up by the ringing of my phone. Without looking I shakily swipe my phone, please just don't let it be my boss. I'm not in a good head space to deal with him right now.
"Nast?"
I hear the one voice I can't deal with right now and I close my eyes in rage as tears start to spill.
"Ya," I choke out suddenly noticing how difficult it is to breathe.
"Where are you?" They ask frustrated and worried, psh ya right they're worried.
"No clue." I cough out, "Why need your maid to clean something for you?" I ask with venom in my voice. I'm still pissed at them.
"What?! No, stop. I told you I care about you! Stop thinking that you're just my maid!"
At these words my simmering rage bubbles to the surface and I'm unable to hold my tongue as it lashes out. "Oh really? You care about? That's really fucking hard to believe considering you're actions say something completely different."
"What do you mean? Stop this, just come home and lets talk about this." At this I laugh and tears gather in the corner of my eyes, my laughter doesn't last for long though as I fall into a coughing fit which turns into groans of pain and sharp breaths.
"Wait, Nast whats wrong?" The voice on the other side of the line panics and I can here them shuffling about.
"Just a bit more broken than usual," I answer once I get my breath back, the pain is worse than it was before though.
"Nast, please come home. Talk to me, tell me whats wrong."
"Oh, are you actually going to listen to me? It's too fucking late Aster. I can't come home."
"What do you mean you can't come home? Then I'll come get you. Where are you?" I hear them grabbing their car keys and I start to cry in earnest.
"Even if you wanted to come get me you couldn't, because I have no clue where I am and I can't move. Just leave me alone Aster. We're over. You never cared about me to begin with."
"Don't hang up. First of all I DO care about you and second what..." I cut him off before he finishes, unable to hold back the rant that's been brewing inside me.
"Oh, you care about me do you? You keep saying you do, but your actions say otherwise. I was sick yesterday. Had a fever, was sweating, weak and everything. If you cared about me you would have offered to take the dogs for a long walk, not let me do it. You would have told me to get some rest before work and that you could handle everything because your job isn't as demanding as mine. No instead you let a sick person you 'care' about go and exhaust themselves even more. Not even trying to help lighten their load a little. And then when we were finally going to sit down and talk about vacation, something I've been super excited about for over a month you kept cracking jokes and making me feel like you're humoring a child. Then you ask me for details, details I have been telling you about since the beginning of the month all we really needed was a date. That was it and you claimed that I had nothing planned. And to top it all off. You promised we'd watch Fantastic Beasts together and I see you watching it the next day on the computer by yourself. So fuck you. You don't give a flying shit about me." I finish my rant, unsure of when black dots appeared in my vision. It's getting harder and harder to talk.
The voice on the other end is quiet, so I continue ready to finish this call. I don't want to die with regrets. Even if I do regret dying this young. "As for whats wrong, right now I'm lying in a ditch, after a failed suicide attempt in the forest behind our home. No clue where I am though and I'm about to lose consciousness. Hey, think on the bright side at least you no longer have to deal with me and my bullshit. Find yourself someone who you actually care about Aster. Tell Zin he's amazing. Apologize to Larkspur for me and take care of Az, I don't want him to end up like me." I finally stop talking, feeling lighter and a bit better.
Now I can die.
"Nasturtium! Don't you dare lose consciousness on me! Keep yelling at me!" I hear their voice breaking up on the other side.
"Don't blame yourself," I lie as it becomes harder and harder to think. "This was my own fault."
"No, stay awake! Nast!"
I continue to hear them shout my name over the phone, but it starts to feel farther and farther away. When did the pain disappear? After all that shouting I think it's time to go to sleep.
Goodbye.
