I wish my thoughts would stop, but they don't. Sometimes they take a small break, fall into the background for a little while, but they always come back, rearing their ugly head. I hate them. I wish they would go away, because they show off a terrible side of myself I wish wasn't there.
I didn't have them until we started to live with each other, then a few months passed and now they pop up every time we go more than a week without having sex. Ya, warning for those not interested in a strangers sex life, go now or continue reading this, your choice.
Since we both started school these thoughts pop up often, even though logically I know they aren't true and I shouldn't even think such things. They still appear, they fester in my brain until finally we do the deed and they disappear for a short time.
I hate that this happens, it's making me sound like some kind of sex driven whore, but it's the truth and I can't just continue to ignore it. I enjoy sex with my partner, a lot. It makes me feel like we're one being for a short period of time, which sounds strange but that's just how it feels for me. Not to mention I'm a very touch driven person, something that I didn't really get after I moved. Hugs from family slowly became less frequent, eventually turning into occasional pats on the head or shoulder until finally touch became strange and foreign to me, something I no longer wanted from family, because it just reminded me of times long past.
Then Aster came along and suddenly I was happy to get a hug again. When we leaned against each other or I put my arm around his waist it felt wonderful and I was reminded how much I missed platonic loving touches. Until finally I was introduced to more sexual touches which really blew my mind. Although my favorite thing is just hugging each other naked, it makes me feel like the most content being on the entire planet and for just one moment everything is OK.
But we don't touch that much anymore, most of it has become something that only happens when we're having sex, which seems to happen less and less.
Which causes my dark spiraling thoughts of what if he's seeing someone else? Whether at work or maybe school, what if that's where he's getting his touches from now? Maybe he's no longer attracted to me? He's found some other cute boy or girl that he's spending his time with and just hasn't told me that he want's to break up.
I HATE these thoughts. I KNOW Aster wouldn't do this. I trust that if he truly no longer felt anything towards me he would just break up with me instead of stringing me along like this. But my thoughts still go there, our lack of touch still causes this sadness to well up within me. It sounds so stupid, but I found out about the 5 languages of love; spending time together, gift giving, touch, doing things for each other and compliments/romantic gestures. And I took the quiz and had Aster take it too and surprise surprise Touch was practically equal with spending time together. I think Touch scored a 10 while spending time scored an 11. So they're practically interchangeable. While Aster scored an 11 on spending time, 9 on doing things for each other and then a 7 on touch. Some of the numbers may be off but the order is correct.
It was good to find out that touch isn't at the very bottom for Aster otherwise I think we wouldn't work out, but he still complains or moves away when I try to touch him. I know most of the time it's a joke since he makes some kind of joking comment or has that 'I'm playing a trick on you' smile, but it hurts sometimes.
I just want to cuddle for a bit, but because I feel this way instead of just cuddling up to him in bed I stay I on my side, because I feel so cold that I don't want to be burnt.
For the small percent wondering if I initiate sex. I try sometimes, but I'm so terrible at conveying that I want to do it through body language that I have to just outright ask for it sometimes. Another thing I don't enjoy doing because whenever I do ask I feel like a dog asking its master for a treat, who than sighs unzips his pants and goes okay, but only a quickie.
I just wish I wasn't so touch driven. Then maybe I'd stop having these terrible thoughts and I'd just be happy with what I have. I'm just a whore, a stupid fucking whore.
