You know it's bad when your avoiding this place.
You know it's even worse when you can't sleep at night
Which just makes everything worse, just makes you feel worse. I didn't think it was this bad, but then things started pilling up and I kept pushing them to the back of my mind. A few days later one drunken comment from Aster causes me to spiral downward.
It was a late Saturday evening, we were hanging out with friends. The boys were drinking while I was snacking on some cookies in order to stay awake. We were in the middle of some shitty conversation when Aster turns to me and says 'And your just shoving sugar down your throat.' It wasn't meant to be a harmful comment in any way, more poking fun since we were all doing that to each other, but with everything I had on my mind for the past week, well it hit me differently.
Instead of a joke, I heard and you're just a fat ass eating sugar. Follow this with the fact we hadn't been intimate with each other for almost two weeks and it felt like a stab in the heart.
I was pretty subdued after that, we went to bed immediately after we got home. The next day I didn't have much of an appetite and was generally pretty quiet. Aster asked if everything was okay and I lied, telling him I just didn't get enough sleep. So I tried to be a bit more lively, make more jokes and comments like I usually do, but they were all half-hearted.
That night I lay awake, unable to sleep at all. I tried snuggling with Aster, it usually chases the sadness away for a little while, but for the first time ever it just made the sadness worse. So I shyed away, turned my back and tried to fall asleep. It was in vain so after a while I got up to write in my journal, Aster followed shortly after and we talked for a little bit. About some of the things bothering me and what I could do about them. It didn't really work. I still felt like I wanted to cry, still do.
Next day is just as depressing, except it's getting easier to pretend although I think Aster still feels like somethings off. That night sleep is still a struggle, but I refrain from getting up and roaming like I wish. Instead I lay awake until sleep takes me fitfully. I awake earlier than I'd like, after having slept less than 5 hours the night before I was hoping to get a full 8 on this one. Seems it was all in vein.
So I finally sat down to write, even though I'm still tip toeing around the topic. Maybe it's just my hormones, making this bigger than it really is. Maybe I need to have sex with Aster once a week or else I start doubting if he's attracted to me. Maybe it's my usual summer blues that show up every single fucking year.
Who fucking knows, all I know is that I'm so used to being sad that after trying to cheer myself up with a multitude of things and none of them working, well I'm fine with just staying this way for now. Cause you know how my self destructive nature works, once I'm sad I want everything around me to crumble.
Let me be alone with my sadness.
Let me be alone.
Let me die alone.
