I feel like utter crap.
On the inside and the outside.
I've done none of my school work so far, which isn't new, but if I don't pass I get kicked out. Meaning I should be doing my school work, but every time I sit down and try to do it I feel like stabbing myself.
I've come to the realization that my father and brother really don't care about me or need me. Which hurts on a whole other level and makes me want to just crawl into a hole and never see them again.
I've started avoiding people again, although it's hard because I now work as a tutor so I still have human contact, but I pull on my best mask and just get through it.
There are so many things I'm emotional about right now, so many thoughts going on in my brain. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm lonely and even though I know I should just reach out to someone, I don't. Right now I just want to hide away in my room while I still can. I haven't reverted back to 17 year old me, it's not that bad, but it's been a while since I've had this type of onslaught of stress and feelings mixed into one.
My relationship with Aster isn't helping one bit at the moment. For the past two weeks we've only seen each other for a few hours on Saturday and we aren't alone but drinking with friends. Each of those meeting have ended in me doing/ saying something that cause us to part on neutral or bad terms even though during the week Aster writes to me just like he always does. Meaning nothing was taken to heart, but I'm still left feeling like shit.
So I'm hiding from him, because if luck will have it we won't meet up this weekend since he's got a work thing Friday evening and I can always lie that I'm busy on Saturday. I'm doing that stupid thing where I'm lonely but I still want to be alone.
I haven't written much of Monster in the past two weeks either, maybe a thousand words max. Which is stupid of me because I'm so close to a 100 pages and this is my baby and I want to finish it, maybe one day even get it published. Once I fix all the stupid mistakes I've made in it.
This is literally just me venting/ ranting/ getting things off my chest. Sorry about the stupidity. Here to make it up to you listen to the song Someone to You by The Banners. Sort of sums up how I'm feeling right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeLaiL9tk68
