Time to say Goodbye

It's been a part of me for so long, that I find it hard 

to look back on times when I didn't have it. 

It's a simple little thing, made from plain black cloth,

 but it represents so much, stands for so much, 

hides so much.

There are so many things it does for me and I've had it for so long.

 That I find it difficult to part with it. After all, it's a glaring reminder

 of what was once there, what I can still see,

 what only I can see. 

It's a black piece of cloth wrapped around my left hand,

 hand made, version 1.2. The originals long since worn to death.

 I've had it with me since high school, started wearing it for the most obvious reason. At first it was a cry for help, over time it just became my little secret. My comfort, then gradually that changed as well. 

It became a reminder. A reminder of what I had gone through,

 what I had done to myself and what I overcame. 

And it's stayed that way for the longest time. 

How many years have I worn a glove on a daily basis? 

It's probably been about seven. 

That's a long time to wear a glove over your left hand. 

Sometimes it's a wonder why no one ever really asked questions,

 but I guess people wear shoes for years on end, so why not a glove?

 

Still versions 1.2 are slowly wearing away,

 just like the originals and instead of making new ones once more,

 I continue to wear them. 

Why?

 Because in my heart I know it's time to move on.

 I've had them for seven years, 

used them as a shield as comfort as protection, 

but I know it's finally time to let go and move on.

It's silly, tearing up over a glove, 

feeling uncomfortable taking it off 

and just sad to let it go, 

but it was so much. 

It means so much. 

As much as it saddens me, it's time to enter a new chapter in my life, 

whatever it may be. This needs to be without the constant reminder of my weakness, without the gaping wounds I put into myself, without the sadness and insecurity it brought forth. 

Seven years ago I first started my fight with depression, 

seven years ago I found an unhealthy alternative to combat that depression, seven years ago I gave in to my weakness. 

I'm stronger for that now. 

As much as I hate myself for what I once was, 

I can't move forward with my safety blanket 

still wrapped around my wrist. 

So it's time to let go. 

Hang up the old gals, thank them for their time and support, 

because they helped me combat my bad habits, 

let me overcome them. 

I'm dragging this on, 

pulling on as many words from my feeble little brain as possible,

 because I'm scared to let them go, even though I know it's time. 

I've known for a while now. 

So just before my anniversary of birth I want to say

 thank you and goodbye.

x

o

 x 

My Dear Black Glove,

Thank you for hiding my mistakes from the world.
Thank you for protecting me from my weakness and insecurities.
Thank you for reminding me of my sadness and giving me strength.
Thank you for helping me move forward in life.

I won't let you be my crutch anymore.
I won't have you suffer through my sad days anymore, as they have become far and in-between.
I won't blame you anymore.

I have to move forward now, 

without you on my hand, 

but it's going to be okay. 

Over time I'll stop seeing the faded scars.
Over time I'll get used to my bare left hand.
Over time I will learn to stop thinking of my past mistakes.

I'm different now. 

I've learned to find happiness in the smallest of things.
Learned that silence and loneliness is not bad.
I've learned that I love to write and evoke emotions in others.

So thank you once again for seven years. 

I will miss you terribly, but I hope we never 

have to meet again in the same circumstances.

Goodbye
Thank you once again

from the once lost and lonely soul,

that's still lost, 

but no longer lonely  

Stressed more than I should

"I feel like your stressing about this more than you should."

It's a simple line, made in a serious type of conversation that could potentially change the dynamic of our relationship, while at the same time moving us forward for the first time in years. We've been in this rift for about two years now. Being together but not progressing forward, just sort of stuck in place. That was probably partially my fault, but also because we just weren't sure where we were going in life. Now there's suddenly a big step before us, something that could make or break 4 years of us.

And that, that absolutely terrifies me. It means we no longer have a safety cushion on. It will just be the two of us. Now I'm talking about this as if it's official, which it's not and if it does end up being true then it will be talked about, but just making the decision, taking the steps to get there. Well, they frighten and unnerve me. It's taking a literal leap into a pit of blackness and no one is going to open your parachute, except you. 

So to hear you say, 'Ya, no problem' in such a casual and laid back way, boggles my mind. Are you just that confident about this, about all of this? Or are you just willing to put in the work to make us work? It's something I'll probably never ask you about, just something to keep in the back of my mind. 

Still if this comes to anything, I know this. I will try my hardest to make this work, because I want it to work. I already confessed my undying love to you in the last post, admitted you changed my mind about principles that feel as if they were engraved into me, so I guess taking this leap of faith with you is something that scares the ever loving hell out of me, but also excites me.

That's why I'm stressing about it so much, but you won't get to know that.

I'm Afraid

    I've been putting off writing this since the beginning of the new year, letting everything build up inside me, just like I used to do. I'd like to think it's different this time, that I wasn't running away, that I was just focused on other things. But that's a lie.
    Each time I though 'I should write something' my brain always found something better to do. Any distraction is better than facing on this. I don't procrastinate, I escape. It's something I didn't realize until just recently which is silly of me, but I find it difficult to differentiate between the two words. Still I know now that I take part in the school of escapism, distracting myself with anything so that I don't have to think about my life. And for the past few months I've been doing a lot of that. So much so that I hid away from the world for a little while. Fucking even now I'm trying to go around the problem, stalling because really there is more than one problem.
    I'm afraid right now. Of school, of my future and of Aster. Schools a given, it terrifies me, knowing that I shouldn't be where I am but I've already gotten this far so I should try to finish than do something else. It makes logical sense, but my brain just says give up now and run away. What's even the point? There isn't much else to say, I'm just tired of school. I want to be done, even though I still have a ways to go.
    Now this is hard for me to write, let alone say out loud. It seems so stupid, but by this point I feel as if I've been conditioned by the adults around me to not think these thoughts. Yet here I am thinking these awful thoughts.

I want to marry Aster. 

    I want to be with him forever, I'll even give the fucker a baby girl since he wants it so bad. Go ahead laugh, this isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to sit in the corner with my head hung in shame. It's so stupid to think these thoughts and be embarrassed by them, they're perfectly normal thoughts! Yet here I am torn in two, one part saying fuck everything anyone ever told me and the other saying I should break it off now because this will end in disaster.
    I think the thing that I hate the most though, is that even if I was 100% on board with these thoughts I wouldn't be able to say them yet. We've been together for years sure, but we haven't had the chance to live together yet and we're both still building our 'careers.' They're words that I can't say anytime soon and thus the other side will always be whispering to stop daydreaming.
    It doesn't help that last weekend I realized my mental health is based of off my relationship with Aster. I was so stupid! How could I make Aster my antidepressant? It's not like I did it on purpose. My worst and first depressive funk was escaped due to Aster, he took an interest, we started dating and I started to smile more often. Didn't really think too much on it, but last weekend I realized I made a mistake and now I don't know how to fix it.
    I was depressed for a solid two weeks recently, just kinda fell into it. It's that time of year where it tends to happen more often so I didn't really think about it, it usually passed after a day or two. It only got worse though and I slowly started to hide from the world. I stopped texting people completely and I stayed in my room as much as possible.
    My thoughts are never good during that time they always lead to self harm, this time though they skipped over that entirely and went straight to a more permanent solution. It was hard, because alone at night or early in the morning it'd be so easy to just go to the forest with a knife in my pocket. I listened to a lot of loud music to try to block some of those thoughts.
    During that time I hadn't really spoken with Aster, he sent a few texts that I half-heartedly replied or completely ignored, until one day I offered to meet him and go for a small walk with Bax. Middle of the week, late in the evening, just a walk.
    In that one hour I had talked more than I had over a week and I smiled and laughed and I felt better, I felt alive, as if I was reminded what the fuck I was living for. And that honest to god scares me.
    How the fuck do I explain to the man I love that 'hey the only reason I'm living is because of you, when we don't talk regularly I get sad because my brain thinks you've finally gotten bored and a tiny part of me wants you to find someone better and move on so that I can leave, because I'm a fucking broken mess.' Yup, no clue how that'd go down in a conversation.
    I don't know how to fix this mess I've made, no way to talk about it, nothing I can do. I keep telling myself to just stop caring because then everything will be easier, but it's not always the case. Not with Aster, because I want to tell him but I'm afraid, so instead I think I'll just cry. That always helps ease the pain a bit.