I tried to be the sun

I tried to be the sun once, a long time ago. 

    It was easier back then, even if I couldn't achieve the full effect with everyone I still did my best. Trying to bring everyone around me into a light that would bring smiles and cheer. It made me self centered, wanting the people around me to be happy and to get along. It took me a while to realize that, but I still choose to act like a sun, getting all my friends to orbit around me and themselves. I still do this with certain people, try to get everyone I care about included. Get them to smile, feel happy even when I want to jump into a pit.
    I don't do this anymore. Not to the degree I did when I was younger. Now I choose to single out individuals that are outcasts or merge with a group that has a dynamic and role I can easily fit into. For my drinking friends I'm 'the girlfriend' and 'the moron,' two roles that don't need me to be anything but myself.
    So it was surprising when I found myself falling into a habit that I thought I had dropped years ago. Yet here I am once again trying to be a sun. Visiting my mom always makes me feel like I've fallen back into a different time. I revert a little to that naive girl, for just a moment my brain thinks 'I'm with mama. Everything is OK.' That feeling lasts for days at best. Still it easily brings forth my terrible habit. Usually I notice it after a few days, but this time I'm here without my brother and because I have time in the middle of the day where I'm alone I never noticed that when I'm with my mother and Larkspur I put on that mask once again.
    I suddenly spent four days in a row with the both of them, Spur during the day and Ma' during the evening or both. At one point I felt exhausted even though I'd just been chilling all day with the two of them. The back of my brain though was hard at work, thinking about how to split my time between the two of them and what we can do together and hoping neither of them feel ignored. It got to the point where I just wanted to lock myself in a room all by myself so my brain would just stop racing.
    I should have seen the obvious clues, cracking jokes whenever, smiling often and constantly checking on my mom. My Gram' even commented that every time she see's me I'm such a 'happy child' and she's so glad.
    I want to laugh, because I am not a happy child. I have good days, of course, but more often than not I feel neutral. When I'm here in a place that has long since stopped being my home I feel empty, sort of dead. I try to find the good in my surroundings, but I hate being here. Now more than ever.
    I don't really care what we do. Sure let's go to the gym. Let's go for a walk. I'm up for watching a movie. Honestly I don't fucking care. Anything to make the time pass by faster. I will do anything to feel less like me. That's probably why it's so easy for me to dress up here.

I just want to go back to my home. 

    I want to enter the room and be greeted by an over excited basset hound breed. I want to pet him and say silly things to him that he doesn't understand while being watched by an amused long haired blond, who greets me after I finish adoring the lovable pupper. Then walk up to him and say a casual 'hey' before sitting down on the couch next to him with the doggo quickly jumping up to join us.

I want to go back to my home, not be stuck in an 

empty shell that has no life in it's walls. 

Just a few more weeks

    You lay down for the night. Bringing you're soft covers up to your neck and tucking it in around your body, warming yourself up in the chilly bed. You cuddle your dragon plush. It brings you comfort despite it not being your usual companion. The purple bear you tend to sleep with is back home, across the sea. Left home in fear of losing him on the plane.
    A mimikyu plush joins the two of you, watching over from the top of the pillows. All that's left before you try to sleep is the sweatshirt. It's not yours. Lent to you, by request. It's not something you wear, more of a sleeping companion then anything else.
    The first few nights you would smell their smell on it, but over time it faded. Now it's just another reminder of what's waiting back home. Still you tuck the sweatshirt between your pillows, pulling out one of it's arms. You wrap around it as if you were holding someones hand. Sometimes when you're on the verge of falling asleep you can almost feel their hand holding yours.
    After tucking yourself in and settling for a comfortable position you close your eyes, hoping for a quick dreamless sleep. You don't fall asleep immediately though, that's never the case. Now even more so. Instead your tired brain wonders.
    What are they up to? How is everything at home? How's the dog doing? When will I get to see them? Some nights are bad though, your brain descends into the darker parts that you try to ignore during the day. What if they found someone who makes them happier? What if they realize they don't love me anymore?

What if I come back only to discover my world is now gone? 

I try to forget about those night. 

    Still you sleep restless, light and on the verge of waking. It's like this most nights for reason unexplained. After a while your body finally gives out and you sleep normally, but once you're well rested it's back to the usual.
    It's only a few more weeks. You think to yourself, cuddling closer to the sweatshirt trying in vain to smell the familiar scent that has long since disappeared.

Just a few more weeks.

HomeSick

    I feel as if I've entered into another dimension. One where my family never moved to Poland, but my parents still got divorced. Where my brother went to college overseas just to get away from them both and I stayed behind, to keep my mothers abandonment issues from growing.
    I'm in a world where I live to work, because there's nothing else that helps distract me from the void I feel slowly consuming me. Everything is just like I remember it, but a fraction off, keeping me from seeing it until it smacks me right in the face.
    Illinois is a drastically different place compared to the polish coast. Everything is flat here, extremely so. You can drive in a straight line for hours without having to make a turn and you'll still get somewhere. The stores are all lined up in an orderly fashion. All of them have the same style store front, beige concrete with occasional green/brown accents. The only way you differentiate between them all is their signs. In order to get anywhere you need a car, unless you want to walk endlessly for hours in a straight line.
    I just look and I can't help but compare it to my home. Where's the forest that can be reached in less than three minutes walking? Where are all the tree's growing out of side walks or in yards, that make building occasionally difficult but people still keep them? Where are the hillsides that make you hate walking somewhere far? The buses and trams that save you from those walks? The friendly bike lines that allow bikers to share the road with cars? Nonexistent. All of it is nonexistent.

    Everything here is contained and orderly. 

Everything there is organized chaos. 

    The two towns that I know so well are separate worlds. No matter how many times I come here I can't seem to find a nook for myself. I can't help but feel displaced and lost. Counting down the days until I get back. Sure I distract myself with food, but everything is so much sweeter here. It makes me sick to my stomach. Family is always trying to get you to stay, even if it's just a little bit longer. Thus I've learned to tip toe around the subject like a mouse hiding from a cat.
    My mother told me I should try to date while I'm here. 'It'll get you out of the house' she said, despite knowing I've been in a relationship for as long as I have. I declined, explaining I would feel uncomfortable doing that, while trying to keep myself from being sick. Just thinking about doing such a thing makes me feel awful. Dating while dating someone else that you love is cheating, no matter how my mother tries to phrase it.
    I got hired by a coffee company. I guess that's a silver lining, although I have to wait for them to do a background check on me before I can be officially hired. Which can take anywhere from three days to three weeks. I just need a distraction other than reading, watching or family. Anything to keep me from thinking of home.
    It's been a week since I left, each day I only miss him more. His smell from his sweatshirt has almost faded, making it just a piece of clothing that reminds me every night of what I miss most. My brain keeps thinking about 'when I get back.' Dreaming up scenarios where he's at the airport with my family waiting to pick me up and as soon as I spot him I can't take my eye's off of him. Or where I get home on my own and find him in my room, waiting.
    I miss him, I miss Bax. They fill a void in my heart, because they are my home. If it weren't for them Poland would be just another more comfortable place for me to live.