Run away....

It's cold and it's dark, but at the moment it really doesn't matter. 

Than again it hasn't mattered in a while. 

You stopped caring after your hope kept getting smashed to pieces. Each time you had a good day something knocked you down then kept you there. You thought it would get better, but it's only made you feel worse. 

You keep distancing yourself from everyone, playing a game with your outside emotions. Meanwhile inside all you feel is numbness.

It burns unlike the penetrating cold that greets you at night. It burns a hollowed hole inside you, reopening what was once sown shut. 

You can't ask anyone to fix it, not this time, not when you have to keep everything pleasant on the outside. You're so tired of keeping the peace, it's barely been two months, but all you want to do is run away from everything. 

Your soothing balm is out of reach. It's your own fault pushing him away, upsetting him, doing everything wrong. 

You always do everything wrong. 

While at home you tread carefully trying to keep a delicate balance. In your mind your trying to run from real life, looking for an escape. 

It's becoming difficult to cope. 

It's becoming harder to breath. 

It's becoming impossible to sleep. 

I want to run away from everything. I want to avoid everyone until 

I feel better again. Will I ever feel better again? 

All I know is that it hurts, right in the center of my chest where I feel a hole slowly searing itself into my soul. 

I'm a traitor and a coward. 

I just want to run away, break it off with everyone and never be seen again. That'd be stupid, wouldn't it? It still doesn't keep me 

from thinking about it though.

You should break up with me

You should break up with me.

    It's something I say to Aster at least once a month. We've been together for over three years now. It's both of ours first long and serious relationship, so I can't help but feel guilty in some way.
    We're both bi, we went to high school together, were in the same class. We started dating after high school and we've been together ever since. For the longest time now I've felt like we've been stuck in this weird limbo of wanting to take the next step but being unable to. So we just sit in this void.
    It's what makes me say 'you should break up with me.' It's not the only thing, still I think I say it too much. Especially recently, where I've been saying it almost once a week. He always gives the same answer when I say this, rolls his eyes and pretends to be annoyed. I'm glad he puts up with my bullshit, but I'm also scared that one day he will just say 'ok.'
    It's a day I'm expecting, because no matter how many times he says 'I'm in it for the long run' I will never believe him. Still if and or when the day comes that you finally agree to my absurd request then I want to have something to show you how I feel for you after three years of being together.

How could I prove to you that I love you?

I can't, not really.

Romantic gestures seem to elude me. Poetry, songs and chocolates always seem too cliche.

There is little I can do to prove my love for you.

I'm bad at expressing myself in your native tongue and I know I can't just say kocham cię.

So instead I'm writing it down here, where only I can read it. Because as always I can never be straightforward with you.

So how do I 'prove' my love to you?

    It's normal for me to feel sad. It's strange if I don't feel sad at least once a week. The sadness steams from a past I try to ignore, a future I pretend doesn't exist and a present I seem to constantly be struggling with. It creeps up on me during my day to day life, while I'm just trying to get by. Even when it's there I tend to be used to it.
    I'm used to being sad, feeling empty, putting on a mask and pretending every thing's okay. Sometimes though I have moments where I want everything to stop, suddenly right then and there. All it would take is a deep cut, an 'accidental' fall, a sudden sharp turn, it would be so easy and it can be very tempting. What keeps me from embracing the empty void that regularly calls me in my sleep?

You.

Because as long as we're together I would never be able to forgive myself for inflicting that kind of pain in you.

    I'm sorry it's not something more magical and flowery, but I'm not particularly good at that kind of thing. I apologize as if you'll see this. Maybe one day years after we've broken up you'll find this. If so, than Hello future Aster, I hope life has been treating you well and that you remember our time together at least somewhat pleasant.

    I apologize for the boring post, I seem to be having trouble writing much of anything recently. I'm gonna try to force myself to change that.