The second time

This is the second time. 

    The second time I decided to be blunt, for once. What ends up happening? Less than a week later we get into something, I don't know what this is, that makes me want to delete my last post. It's the second time that's happened. It's not fun either way.
    I'm not going into details of what happened, all I know is that we were talking. I refused to tell him something cause it was embarrassing, than he left for over an hour and we spoke less than ten words to each other over the course of the next six hours.
    That hurts. The day it happened and we suddenly went into this weird limbo, where nobody acknowledged the other person, it felt like my soul was sucked out of my body. He was there, but he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't talk. I couldn't say anything, didn't know what to say. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't hear his laugh, see his smile. The only full day I get to see him and something happens that kills me on the inside.
    I'm not sure if it's my fault. If so what did I do? What caused this? Was he just having a bad day and wanted to be left alone? If so he could have told me. I understand bad days, everyone gets them. So what happened?
    Fuck if I know. All I know is that I feel empty and void. I'm moving and talking, eating and drinking, but it's done automatically. Without thought or meaning, there's no point. Because life has no point. This is what happens when your mental stability comes from a single person, that can easily slip from your fingers.
    I'm not doing too terrible, but I can already feel myself drifting away. Comedy mode is on whenever I'm with someone. When I'm alone I'm Mati, because Mati's single and they don't have to think about such stupid things. Do everything, just don't be yourself, because than I don't think about other things. Still it's Monday evening and my thoughts drift to a terrible realization. I have no reason to look forward to thursday/friday. What's the point if the person I was most excited to see, isn't speaking with me?
    I've got a whole week off at the beginning of May. I was hopping to get to see him for a couple days longer. Now, now that's all just maybes. Maybe one of us will break the silence by Friday? Sad to say it won't be me. I'm a coward. I wouldn't even know what to say to him. 'I'm sorry for whatever I did? If you would just tell me what's wrong we can try to work it out?' Please, I don't want to lose you. I'm such a pathetic weak human being.
    He should leave, he should find someone better. He should live his life so that he's happy. Me, well I'm used to being sad. I'll get used to the loneliness again, the emptiness, the dull feeling of constant boredom. The reminder that there is little reason for me to be here. I'll get used to it in due time. Live out my life till that golden deadline.
    I've already thought of running away. And isn't that stupid. My first instinct of getting into 'this' with him and I'm already thinking of how I can hide from him, how can I avoid him, how do I stay out of sight? There's just one thing though, he has the key to my house. That one fact is probably holding me together. He still has it, so that means he doesn't hate me, this can all still work out.
    Yet the sadness is still there. The emptiness has settled in once more, almost as if it never left. These are the feelings I hate the most. It's why I love to hug him, cuddle next to him when were falling asleep. It's the moments when we're together that I don't feel dull, void, left without purpose. Because when I'm with him, as fucking god damn cheesy as this sounds, life doesn't need to have a purpose.

I'm terrified to walk into my room and see a single silver key lying on my desk.

I'm afraid to walk into my room and find it already occupied by someone I know.

What I'm scared of the most though? 

Is once again being swallowed 

up by the emptiness.

Different Philosophies

    I feel like recently I've been posting a lot of lovey things. Which I apologize for, but I've found that thinking about him is a good escape from reality. I don't want to put words where there are none, but I just....
    Recently, I was out drinking with some friends. We were walking back home, it was late probably around 2 am. Aster and I were walking ahead while our two friends were somewhere behind us. Maybe it was the alcohol or the sleepiness in me but at one point I apologized to him. 'I'm sorry I joke so much about you going off to find the love of your life.'
    I've been making a lot of those jokes recently, in some way shape or form. Maybe it's me trying to push him away. Why? I don't know. Cause everyone always leaves, that's just how life works. Still he always replies with the cheesiest of answers; 'But the love of my life is right here.' or 'I'll never get bored of you.' And other variations. I tend to deflect them as easily as I deflect comments.
    Yet, when I apologized he said it was OK, because he understood where I was coming from. The fact that I know so many people that were in long and loving marriages or pairs only to break up after ten plus years. It sways my opinion, makes me believe that everything will end sooner or later. He on the other hand has a different experience. He doesn't know any divorced pairs or family members. His parents meet in college and love each other to this day. Our beliefs of love are the complete opposite of each other.
    He wants to show me that this could last, that this can last. While I smile and enjoy the time I have believing it will one day end. For all the outside voices say that the first never lasts. You're young, you should meet new people! I don't much care for there opinions, but I still receive them.
    Still after telling me it was ok and that he understood he said something. 'I take you and this relationship seriously.' It should be obvious, we want to move in together, we want to live on our own together. All the signs of a serious relationship, but to hear it out loud. For some reason I was surprised. I didn't say that though, instead I probably said the most sincere thing I ever have to him. 'I take this seriously too. It may not always seem like it, but I know if I did something to fuck this up I'd hate myself for a long time.'
    I quickly changed the subject and right after split from the group as we were near my house. Aster left the subject at that. I hope he never brings it up again.
    Still, I hate even writing this, but a teeny tiny part of me is starting to believe him. That same part paints that blasted picture inside my head whenever I go to bed. It wasn't always there, it just started popping up recently. I hate it. Yet it also helps me get through the week. Helps me get to Thursday evening where I can finally see him again. Ahhhhh, I fucking hate this I sound like a silly love struck teen.
    Damn it, Aster's recently been searching for this place. If he finds it and reads this he's definitely going to bug me about that picture. I really think I'd rather die than say it aloud.....

One of my favorite things

    My eyes are closed but I can tell it's dark. Still I don't feel fear, instead excitement seems to be flowing through me, anticipation as if I were waiting for something. I can tell I'm sitting Indian-style on some cool grass, there are people all around me, talking and laughing. It's warm, a summer night.
    Leaning back I bump into someones legs, but they don't jump or move away, so they must not mind. I lean back on them and they run their hand through my hair. It's comforting and fills me with warmth.
    I continue to keep my eyes closed, until I'm startled by a loud singular bang in the sky. Quickly opening my eyes I look up to see a vanishing 'star.' It takes less than a second for three more gold fireworks to whiz up into the sky before exploding into showering sparks. A few more pop up right after, different colors this time, some red and a few others are green. A noisy one flies high into the sky making a loud whizzing noise before it disappears.
    My eyes are glued to the sky, for I finally know where and more precisely when I am. How long has it been since I last saw Ty's fireworks?

Year's. 

    It's breathtakingly beautiful and I soak in every 'shooting star' as they fly across the sky before disappearing. All the noise and the colors, the flowers that come into full bloom, but only for a second before they fade. The show last only half an hour, but I bask in it's beauty, not knowing when I'll get to see such a sight again.
    Eventually the finally starts and it's so loud and the sky turns so bright and colorful that it feels like it's daytime. My eyes, water up, because of course I'm going to feel sentimental about something stupid like this. This was one of my favorite things about living in america, it's amazing fourth of July firework shows. Still the explosive finally finishes and the sky returns to it's former dark self.
    The people around me clap and cheer, slowly rising from their chairs and gathering their things. The show ended so it's time to go still I don't want to move. I want to see more, but I can't.
    I turn around to talk to the human behind me, who I used as a pillow for a good part of the show, but find the chair to be vacant. Whoever was there is now gone. Guess, this just proves it was all a dream. I stand and stretch out my stiff muscles, thats what happens when you stay in the same position for so long. I feel myself starting to wake up, so I glance around one last time at my childhood home.

Till next time I suppose.

Am I okay?

I've become dependent on....

I can't go a day without thinking about...

I feel better, but...

Am I really better?

I haven't done it in so long.

Maybe almost two years now, maybe three? I'm not really sure.

Whenever I feel the need, I think about.....

The look in their eyes, having to explain myself.

Maybe what I'm most afraid of is them not noticing.

Just like everyone else.

Does it matter?

As long as I'm not doing it....

That means I'm okay.

I'm okay...

Am I okay?

It's normal to have quiet days.

To have sad days.

To not want to leave your room.

To hate going to school.

To keep smiling even if you aren't happy.

That's normal....right?

I've noticed that I have two types of loud laughs. 

One is my normal everyday loud laugh.

The other only ever seems to come out when I'm with.....

It's spontaneous and sudden, 

almost embarrassingly loud,

 but I feel so free when it happens.

Only ever with him.

Why is that? 

I look forward to those days, as soon as the week begins.

It's unhealthy, looking towards a specific day every singe week, 

because that's the day.....

I'm sane because of them.

I want to live because of them.

But there's a small part of me tucked away waiting for everything to 

be ripped away from me.

Waiting for them to say goodbye.

Another part of me wants this, 

because I fear this dependency.

I live because they haven't given me permission to die.

I live because someone makes me happy.

I live to see their smile and hear their laugh. 

What happens when all of that is suddenly gone?

I'll cry, 

bleed,

 hide away 

and loose a 

small part of myself.

But will I last?

I don't know.

That's why I ask...

Am I okay?