You're hurting me

It hurts.

It feels like I'm burning from the inside out.

It feels like someone ripped a hole in my chest and is now trying to rip me in half.

It's painful.

I try to ignore it, try to remember the years past where I dealt with a similar pain, but this one is so much worse. 

Before everything was numb. 

The world was cold and nothing mattered.

Now I feel like somethings trying to suck out my soul and tear me in two.

It feels like I'm being roasted over a fire, dipped in lava boiled alive.

My mind is constantly in chaos, thinking, wondering.

Trying to rationalize only keeps them at bay for a little while, before they come roaring back to life, stronger than before. 

I hate it.

This feeling in my gut, my head and my soul. 

It hurts so much and it's all because of YOU. 

You're probably unaware of what I'm feeling. 

As much as I wish to, I can't blame you. 

It's my fault.
 It's always my fault.

I just want to see you, speak with you for a little while. 

Yet at the same time I wish to run from you as far away as possible. 

You're what's causing this pain. 

If I leave it will go back to the numb feeling, something I know how to deal with. 

I understand why I'm being torn in two. 

One of me wants to run to you while the other wants to run away. 

You have no clue how much power you hold over me at this moment and it's absolutely terrifying. 

I should speak with you. 

Talk like normal humans do, but I know I won't. 

I'm a coward. 

I'm the bad guy.

 I'm a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be here. 

That doesn't deserve YOU.

People ask how do you know that you're in love?

It's when all those sappy love songs start to make sense.

Took me two fucking goddamn years, but they finally make sense to me.

Pointless

    I hate summer.
    Not only because the weather is constantly changing between rain or heat waves, but mostly because of the endless nothingness I feel during this time. For the past few years it's been like this, I look forward to getting a break from school, yet all too quickly I'm reminded of the emotional roller coaster that awaits me.
    If I'm flying to my brothers home I sort of cease to exist for a little while. Its all fake smiles, laughter, psychologist and good daughter acting. After all my mother only gets to see me so often, so shouldn't I be on my best behavior for her? Whenever I stay there around the end of my trip I can start to feel myself slipping and hating myself even more. Just be the daughter she thinks you are, there is no reason to cause any sort of confusion or stress for her.
    When my brother comes it's easier, but I constantly have to be on my toes. What do I have to do in order for my father to be satisfied? How do I respond to this situation so that everything doesn't go to shit? Usually it goes well, specially since I can escape to Aster's once a week, but this time, this time I fucked up.
    Worst part is, I can't really bring myself to care. I'm fine with my father thinking less of me and I think it'd be best if my brother grew more distant from me. Since during his stay here I learned one very vital thing from him, neither of us are able to understand one another anymore. He views me as a snobby spoiled rich kid, while I just think of him as the kid who picked the shorter straw. He's my kid brother and I care for him deeply, but it'd be best if we distanced ourselves.
    That sounds so stupid specially since we live on different continents, you really can't get more distanced than that. I know my father wants Azael to come for the winter holidays, maybe I can convince mother to let me fly over to her place. It'd be the first time the two of us would switch places like that and I would definitely piss off my old man, but I think it'd be a good idea. I'm probably just being selfish though and just wish to hide away from my father and brother when they're together.
    Still I'm getting a bit off track. To quickly sum up the above clusterfuck of information, a part of why I don't like summer is because I have to deal with the emotional roller coaster my family decides to put me on. The other reason is the long strings of absolute nothingness.
    I don't really have friends, so during the summer I need to find things to keep myself busy, such as learning a new skill, video games, exercising and so on. These things can only keep me busy for so long though, this year I decided to try to find a job, something that I could maybe do during the school year as well. So far I haven't gotten any calls or emails, but I've really only been searching for about two weeks. It would be my first official job, so I wasn't really expecting it to be easy to find one, but the fact that no one's called is disheartening to say the least.
    Coupled with the fact that evening always brings about a mental criss within me, doesn't really help matters. I'm going to be very honest and straightforwards for once in this entire goddamn blog, but this past month has been really hard on me emotionally and I have contemplated on more than one occasion about finding a nice tall building and just jumping off.
     I can't find a sense in my existence, no matter how hard I try. I keep trying to find something that will put meaning in my life, but everything always leads back to nothing! It's all just this empty goddamn tunnel with no fucking light anywhere in sight. I've pretty much just decided to curl up and hope something runs me over while I'm in there. The fact that I'm going through my room and getting rid of a lot of my old things probably isn't helping too much.
    I had a decent amount of old shounen jump manga about two an a half years worth (2008-2010), but I knew I couldn't keep them all. I ended up going through them and keeping about seven while putting the rest on a book crossing shelf in the library. A little bit of me died when I abandoned them on the self. I gave a lot of things away to the library this month. Tons of old books I knew I'd never read or had read many times before, gone.
    I got rid of a lot of things, clothes, jewelry, electronics, books, random shit, everything was looked through and purged. A lot was donated or given away, but in a way it still hurt. I got rid of a lot of things from before the move and seeing how empty my room has gotten just makes me feel like it'd be even easier to just say goodbye right now. A part of me is whispering to just grab a backpack and go while the other is saying to just jump.
    After all the numbness I so hated in high school keeps emerging after it's long hiatus, stronger than it ever was before. The thing is before I was drawn to my knife, now the only reason my knife interests me is to shove it straight through my veins.
    I wish I was strong enough to talk to someone about this, but I can't. I'm a goddamn bloody coward who dreams about getting hit by cars, forever falling asleep in a hole and just leaving behind this numb feeling thats sunken into my bones.

Aimless

    I'll do it tomorrow I think before snuggling into my covers and falling asleep.
Sleep doesn't last long as I soon find myself in a feeling of free fall. I try to open my eyes, to see if I can't grab hold of anything, but I can't open them. I have enough time to put my hands over my face and register that my eyes have been sown shut before I'm swallowed whole.
    Where am I? I struggle in the sluggish liquid trying to swim up, hoping I'm swimming up, but ultimately unsure. I can't hold my breath any longer. My nose tries to inhale much needed air, instead I feel the sludge rush inside me, fill me, consume me. My body coughs out of reflex and I end up inhaling more of the terrible sludge.
     It tastes like burning motor oil and I find myself slowly losing consciousness. Suddenly I feel something tugging at me, a large hand closes tightly around my neck and easily pulls me from the liquid. It then drops me right onto solid ground before I feel it's presence sink into the background.
    I puke as soon as I breath in a couple of mouthfuls of clean air and I can feel the sludge slowly draining from my system. It's exhausting and twice as gross feeling the heavy sludge type substance slowly crawl up my neck, protesting each inch, tasting even worse than the first time. By the time I've expelled most of the liquid from my stomach, I feel dizzy and nauseous. My body is shaking, my throat feels as if its on fire and I don't want to lift my head from the cool floor I'm slumped on.
    After what feels like hours I attempt to open my eyes once more, yet they are still sown shut. So I try to stand on shaky legs and stretch my arms before me, looking for some kind of wall I could follow, some kind of clue as to where I could be. It isn't long before I've managed to discover a wall, a very grimy and sticky wall, but a wall none the less.
     I walk forward with one hand on the wall and the other in front so I don't walk into anything, although I quickly learn this hand is useless, for everything is behind me, right over my shoulder. They whisper and giggle, I can't see them, but I can feel their piercing gazes. Don't judge me, please don't judge me! I can't take this pressure so I start to run, eventually my hand loses the wall, yet somehow I'm still able to run without falling over.
    This doesn't last for long because something tangles my legs and I feel myself starting to fall once again. I fall straight into IT. Even without my vision I know what it is, what it feels like and I dearly wish to be back in the sludge. It starts to tighten around me, slowly taking it's time, it knows I am unable to escape, for I am nothing without my vision.
    I stop struggling, succumbing to my fate, but for some reason this angers the serpent and it tightens itself even more. I feel it's tongue flick out and smell the air around me. It seems even more displeased than usual. I then hear it freeing it's fangs, before it lunges for me.
    Only for me to fall from my bed in a sweaty heap on the floor.