I often find myself wishing that I was born in a different time, a simpler time. One where I don't have so many choices, one where the path seems to be so cloudy that even once you've made a decision you still doubt yourself. You still doubt whether or not what you are doing is right. It's why I love books where the main character seems to have a certain path set for him. They have their own destiny's that they can full fill. It helps them grow, mature and develop into this amazing person that you can't help but wish to be wish to become. It's easy for me to get sucked into a game where you have a clear cut goal and you know exactly what you have to do to achieve it. It's harder to complete something when your end goal is abstract or just not physical. My goal in life is to live a comfy and easy going life. One where I don't have to be too stressed about money or politics, one that allows me to just find and be myself to those I care about. It's simple enough honestly, but in this case the saying 'The simple things are usually the best,' well it doesn't apply here.
I wish I was born as a boy in a far away time, where I could inherit my families business or become an apprentice to someone and learn from them until I could take care of myself. I think I'd be happier without all the extra stuff. All the doubts, thoughts about life, mysteries and questions that you'll probably never be able to answer. It makes living now more difficult.
I sorta feel like a cat without an owner. Sure, I can live without one, but at the same time my life would be just a bit brighter with one. It makes me wish that my dad wasn't so ambitious. That he'd allow me to just quite and start at the bottom and slowly make my way up. I'd never get to the top, but I don't even want to get that high. Maybe if he pushed me and encouraged me I'd be able to get myself to do something, but he doesn't. He's just this big wall that blocks off a few paths that I can't take because he doesn't approve of them. Once I choose a path that is permitted the wall disappears and I'm to walk on my own. The first few steps tend to be the easiest, since they tend to be the most obvious, but after a while I get tired or bored and I start to look behind me wondering if any of the other paths were more interesting or the better choice. I'm left to my thoughts wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. No ones there to really give me a push and a few words of encouragement, to remind me that I can't turn back now or I'll never get anywhere with my life. I'll get stuck in that same place over and over again, until one day I won't be able to move, one day I'll just become an empty shell of a human being.
My friends always laugh at me when I call other people humans instead of assigning them gender roles and one of my friends always asks if I don't see myself as a human. To which I always laugh and say I do, but don't bother explaining myself to them. How long till I stop feeling human? How long till I start to let those thought in. You know those thoughts, the ones at the back of your mind that will occasionally slip through at random moments in your life. The ones that remind you that your life has no purpose not really, aside from the obvious mate so that the human race doesn't go extinct. I feel like that trait has gone dormant in some, because of overpopulation. It has in me I think. I find no reason to settle down, marriage doesn't appeal to me. And the thought of having a child terrifies me to the very core. I have had panic attacks when people teased me about having a child. The very thought made me want to throw up and hide in my room till the end of my time. People say that will change when I find the one and all that bullshite, but really? I tend to have difficulty believing in that load of bull since there is no such thing as the one. That's enough of a digression I think...
For some reason I'm starting over again, for the nth time and this will have to be my last, because if I can't bring myself to do something, then I think it could very well be the end. What's the point in trying to do anything else if your father won't allow you? Especially since he doesn't take an avid active interest in your life. Sure, he asks all the questions that he's suppose to 'hows school,' 'are you alright with funds,' 'are you feeling ok?' That's it though. I used to really enjoy the amount of freedom I have. It wasn't too much or to little and somehow I came out more whole then broken, even if there are a few scars. Now though when I could use some physical support, there's just no one there. I have all the spirit I need from Larkspur. She urges me to make the right decisons and helps me with all the emotional crap and I'm sure if there wasn't so much distance between us then she'd be smacking me every time I whined about a test or put off studying for to long. That's just the kind of person she is. It's strange to be asking for someone that is sorta like a mentor.
When I first started kung fu there was a man there that lead the beginners class that wasn't one of the founders of the school, but he had been training for over ten years and seemed to enjoy teaching, so the founders gladly gave him the newbies class. I think it's thanks to him that I feel in love with martial arts. For the first time in ages I really enjoyed a physical activity. He showed me that not all sports are dull and boring, but can be very rewarding after a while. He was someone I aspired to become. The way he lead the class was just amazing and I always look back on those first few years with a found smile on my face. I say look back because he doesn't teach there anymore. My friend told me that he got into a fight with one of the founders and they stopped speaking to each other, so now he doesn't go to practices anymore. I've now noticed that the school that I go to is slowly changing and I don't really like the changes I see. I can't say they are bad changes it's just I find myself lacking something after training. Where before I tended to come home exhausted and completely satisfied, now more often then not I find myself going out of habit. Because what else am I suppose to do on a Friday evening when I don't have plans? That teacher motivated me in a way, he set a goal for me that I never said out loud. To one day be able to have an even spar with him. I never got that spar and now even though I still train and practice, I still feel empty at times.
I guess this shows that it's easier for me when I can see my goal, even if it's in the distance. Now I've gotten to the point in my life where I wish my parents pushed me in some way. They only ever pushed me to go to swim classes cause my father said I had to know how to swim and my mother wanted me to do some sort of exercise. Maybe that's why sports are easier for me now, because that's what my parents pushed for. I can't live off of sports though, the body ages and it's a short career to begin with. Making me wonder why can't I bring myself to move forward? Stop reading fanfiction, stop watching hours of youtube videos, stop drawing for days on end, stop procrastinating.
One of the fanfics I read left something in my mind. the main character was surrounded by amazing and powerful people, but they themselves were average, nothing to note about them honestly. One day they decided if they couldn't be a natural genius, then why not be a genius of hard work? I wish I had the resolve of that character.
Maybe I'll see you around, but don't count on it.
