There's also that final message that I should probably leave so no one thinks I was murdered. Larkspur would know I wasn't though. She's the only one that knows I fight with depression. The only question I have is; who would I leave my message for? Would it be a text or maybe a letter? Who'd I address it to? What the hell would I even write? Well I'd probably write a physical note, but to whom? The obvious answer would be to family, but I might only write to my brother. He's to young though, so maybe I'd send him a package of a few things with a small note encouraging him and apologizing. I'd probably do the same for Larkspur, she deserves such closure if I did something like that.
That'd probably just leave me with the actual suicide note that I'd have to leave at the scene. Most likely I would put it under a rock with my wallet on top, that way the police could identify my body and my parents could have closure. Instead of being another Jane Doe in the system. The note would most likely be simple;
To whomever reads this,
I killed myself, because I couldn't live anymore.
Sorry for leaving such a mess.
zmk
Short and simple.
I haven't written such a dark post in a while, but that's because I haven't been doing well. Most days I'm pleasantly content with myself and my life. I'm comfortable with the routine I have and just the way my life is going in general, but today I'm having one of those bad days.
Do you ever have those days where you just want to curl up in a ball in a dark corner of your room, listen to music all day and just hope no one bothers you? You know those days where you have no appetite, don't feel like talking and just want to laze about all day. Those days where you try to stay away from sharp objects, cliffs, the edge of buildings, bridges, pills and ropes.
I'm having one of those days, although sometimes I feel as if I'm on the brink of tears as well. Today's just a bad day. I know it's bad when I've been listening to the same three songs over and over again. "I'll be good"- Jaymes Young, "One last time" and "Find a way" by Safetysuit. I find that these songs numb my emotions the most and make my day go by easier.
I guess the emotions that I've been holding back have finally pilled up and just emerged. I'm not surprised really, just amazed I lasted as long as I did. It gets tiring being the mediator or at least trying to be for my family. For my mother and my brother and for my father and my mother.
It's tiring and frustrating when one party wants some kind of compromise and conclusion while the other wants to make their lives miserable, in the case of my mother and father. Not gonna say who is who though. While it seems even more unbearable when the parties need to speak to each other so some sort of compromise can be made, but none are willing to be the bigger person and try. Or when one finally gives in and tries, usually from my pestering the other ends up belittling the first and everything runs full circle.
This is the case for my mother and brother, although for them it's crucial to make communication because they live with each other and I don't want them constantly fighting. I'm getting tired of all these emotions running haywire. I just want to sleep and actually feel refreshed in the morning for once. I'd also love a full body workout that leaves me gasping for air, trembling limbs and wonderful muscle pains the next morning. That would definitely get rid of some of my stress, cause that's what all this is stress.
For me stress tends to equal depression most of the time. It makes me fight with these urges and makes me wish for so many things; to disappear, to die, to never have been born, to be living a different life, to be a child, to be innocent, to be unaware of whats going on around me. Sometimes I wish for those things, today though I just want to take my last breath, although there's a small chance of that.
I have to try to last till my golden year than I can go. My brother will hopefully be through most of college and be working, Larkspur will have finished college by than and be living with her boyfriend, working and maybe even starting a family soon. If I die before I get to see her children would it be awfully selfish of me to ask to share one of their names? That way if reincarnation is true than maybe I could be born as one of her children, although that is really very creepy and probably something she doesn't want. So just ignore this sudden strange whim of mine.
I feel just a bit better now. Writing is always a wonderful thing that helps me unload all of the little thoughts running through my head. The one thing I question though is why I post this to the internet, a magical place where anyone can find this. Maybe it's because deep down I hope one day someone from my family will find this and realize that despite what I showed them I was suffering through this time of mine. That my life hasn't been a cake walk and that if I die before them, maybe this will give them some closure. It's that little needle in a giant haystack that you put all your hope in, but don't really mind if no one finds since you've already made your decision. It's a sad yet wonderful thing. I guess this measly blog will be my suicide letters.
Maybe I'll see you around, but probably not.
